//------------------------------// // You know when i said nothing went wrong today? Yeaaaa that was a lie... // Story: Misadventures In Equestria // by werebrony //------------------------------// This story has not been touched in over a year... let's change that... I have not been slacking at all its just I am too damn lazy to remember to write and I have no purpose other than to get attention so I digress... It was later that after noon that we decided to get jobs. Yes jobs. We were flat broke and living with the Apples because they needed extra farmhands...hooves...whatever... to help with the harvest. We were not the most motivated of groups but Granny Smith did make a mean pie, and soup...Mostly the pie. So before I go into working for the Apple's I want to talk about Rainbow Dash for a minute. I MAY have pissed her off by making her crash into her Cloud house. I swear on Luna's Ass that it WAS ALL WALLACE'S FAULT. The guy decided that flying a pig around was the best idea ever. He kind of stole one from Applejack's farm to begin with. So while Rainbow Dash is teaching us the basics of flying Wallace and Alex are having a sweet time plotting the destruction of something... her house was the nearest thing... So Rainbow Dash taught us how to fly first off and it took a few hours but we did pretty well. Then they tried making a tornado and causing lightning to strike buildings which in turn caught on fire and then the tornado became a Firenado and then there was traveling circus with dancing and singing sharks... then it became a fire-sharknado and then all hell broke loose... Literally. Alex stole a spell book and muttered an incantation and raised Cthulu from the deep... so yea... Something did go wrong today after all. So we kind of blew up half of surrounding area. No casualties except for sharks who nearly died while flying through the air... So that was around, what? two in the afternoon? something like that.... We get to Sweet Apple acres around 3 because we sort of broke a few laws: destruction of private and public property, arson, grand arson, bribery, corruption of a minor (Wallace said horse cock to a school filly and proceeded to mentally scare the kid for life by pretending to rape Alex), indecent exposure, prostitution (apparently demonstrating that in public is illegal), what else did that guard say? Oh yea he also rang up, racketeering, theft, grand theft, grand theft carriage, terroristic threats, attempted homicide (apparently playing darts hasn't been invented in Equestria... or the crossbow... or William Tell...), and finally breaking and entering (and leaving prison). So we said these are not the colts you are looking for and he bought it. Speech skill 100!!! Where was I? oh right on to Sweet Apple Acres! So we got to SAA (also a math term...google it...its real trust me) and we were greeted by Big Mac plowing the new orchard.... Then Wallace made a sex joke about plowing only his own fields... Big Mac calmly walked up to him and stared down into him. Wallace just put on a goofy smile to match the cold stare. The next thing I know is BM open his mouth and uttered those famous words of his... "Eeup, that's what your ma said last night too." Wallace dropped his ears and hung his mouth off to the side. Me and Alex were laughing at our friend and how much of a dumbass he looked right there. We then helped around the farm by picking up apples that didn't come off the tree. after 2 hours we only had to pick off one tree. Applejack's legs are probably made of titanium or something like that. So we all came in for dinner. We were all siting at the table and Granny Smith places apples on our plates. They were all generic apples... seriously? Do they only eat hay, grass and apples around here? So then I See Applebloom take a quick glance at my flank and look away. Now normally I have little kids back on earth stare at me because I have a slightly larger nose or something like that...It was a dodge ball injury... kid got angry at me and slams the ball in my face at point blank range. I digress... So while Wallace was enjoying some other jokes with Big Mac and Alex was having a somewhat decent conversation with Applejack, I was stuck with the CMC... great... "So mista' Jake, how come ya don't have yer Cutie Mark yet?" asked the annoying yellow question maker. "Is it because ya haven't found yer special talent yet?". For the record I do have a talent but if I told her about it I would most likely end up in prison and have a criminal record.... I pirate DVDs off the Internet... So I told her that I don't have one because I am not from this world and she seemed to buy it for a second. Then she asked why I am a pony then. Apparently AJ didn't mention to her sister that I am a human/ monkey man. It was a Friday and the Apples go into town on the weekend so we got the rest of the weekend off to do whatever... So what do we three decide to do? We decided to get drunk and party in town! The entire town does not have a single bar... Not even a dance club. So I head off to Twilight's and check to see if she can point us to the right places while Alex and Wallace do whatever. She suggested we go up to either Manehattan or Cloudsdale. There were a lot of good bars and night clubs in a few hours at either place and it only took a few hours on train to get to either. I then told her that we are flat broke and had no money. She laughed and said that she could get a free sky carriage for us at a moments notice. I thanked her and went back to find Alex and Wallace. We arrived in Manehatten in style with a stretch carriage and new outfits thanks to Rarity. Oh man did we look dope! I was slapped upside the head when I said that aloud. First impression of Manehatten; HOLY SHIT ITS NEW YORK BUT WAAAAY COOLER AND NO DRUG ABUSING MINORITIES!!! So we walk around the city looking for a good bar/ night club. All you see are ads and tall apartments. We did manage to find a pimped out night club called "Club Pegasus"... disappointing name but a club non the less!!! Remember that book that Wallace stole? I MAY have done something with it as well... It isn't like I made a brew with a little help from Zecora and made potion to give to Wallace and Alex to make them more accepting to life in Equestria... That's definitely not what I did...I made an assimilation potion AND a Viagra potion on top of that. accidently spilled it on myself while Zecora was helping me stir the brew and I MAY HAVE Jungle Fever because of it...I fucked Zecora... I digress So I slipped the Viagra into all our drinks and we were partying hard and getting hard. We found Rainbow Dash and the Twins with her (The Twins being Cloudkicker and Flitter). It was awesome because we had boners that shook mountain tops and DJ Pon-3 was the MC for the weekend. We danced, Wallace broke shit as usually, Alex made a Molotov, and I danced like a white boy. Overall a pretty fun night. We left the club around 11 and we walked around the city with Dash and the Twins. Wallace fancied both girls and Alex was talking to Rainbow Dash about the Fire Sharknado thing he did. I picked up some mare with a light blue coat and curly black mane and tail. She said she 22 (Bullshit). She said her daddy was a palace guard (bullshit) and that they had an penthouse across town (not bullshit, really awesome decked out suite). So we head out with cocks as strong as mountain tops and went to the Pier. We had a few drinks along the way so none of us could fly there (I'm pretty sure that we would break another law on our ever-expanding list of charges) so we decided to trot our way there. It was packed with tourists and a lot long lines for the rides. There were a few games like duck hunter and knocking down pins. They even had a psychic unicorn who could answer almost anything ( almost anything because Alex was being a smart ass and asked him if a tree fell in the forest did it make a sound). Our "dates" were enjoying themselves and they were given some of my other secret potions I had made for such an occasion. I made more potions then I lead on to! I made potions for just about everything and the outfits that Rarity made for us were enchanted so I could store a shit ton of these vials in any pocket and find the right one when I wanted to. So this new potion was something I like to call Jungle Fever, yes this is what I slipped Zecora when she wasn't looking. It makes just about anything incredibly aroused, think of it as an elephant tranquilizer but dragon sized and its actually Viagra. So Wallace took off with the Twins and Alex went home with Rainbow Dash (the little bastard really likes her too much...) and I was left alone with my date... I gave her another potion that made her forget who I was then I dropped her off at her house... I asked the psychic if she was legal and he said no and that he gets that question every time... So I enjoyed the piece and quiet on the pier away from all the noise and fried foods and watched the ships sail by. I was almost beginning to miss home...almost... Next thing I know I took my special potion and then I blacked out. I wake up and my head is throbbing. Hangover, guess I took the wrong potion. I'm back at Sweet Apple Acres. I can't remember what happened after I took a sip of the magic brew I took but something or someone brought me back here. I feel something snuggle up against me and yawn softly. I thought I took that lying cunt back to her apartment? I look down I nearly shit myself... There, snuggling against me is Applebloom... Sweet Jesus Christ riding a fucking Dinosaur into my room preaching YOLO... I am sooooo going to jail this time. To make matter worse she wakes up and gives me a kiss on the lips... my internal self was pretty much going like this... FUCKYFUCKFUCKWHATTHEFUCKDIDIFUCKINGDOLASTNIGHT?!?!?!!?!IMSOFUCKED..FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKKERTONFUCKFUCK...yea that bad... "Ah had so much fun last night Mista' Jake" she says sleepily...(Sweet Fucking fuck fuck am I so fucked right now) "Although ah still feel a bit sore it was well worth it" (FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING CELESTIA'S ASS STOP TALKING CHILD!!!!). she gives me a big hug and trots out the door. I could help but notice her flank looked a bit red and she was walking funny... (WHY DOES GOD HATE ME TODAY!!!!!???) My face went white and my pupils shrunk to the size pinheads as realization hit me... I done fucked up big time!!!