//------------------------------// // Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 78: Dan Vs. Challenge // Story: The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship Chapter 78: Dan Vs. Challenge -ooooooo- As the California sun continued to descend in the late afternoon sky. A short, black-haired, bearded man slowly pushed open the door to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins and hobbled in on brown, gnarled cane. He adjusted his red bow-tie and smoothed out his a brown suit as he got in line, patiently waiting until it was his turn at the counter. “Afternoon, sir!” Dan greeted with uncharacteristic cheeriness as the bearded man approached the register. He leaned his arm on the register and smiled at the bakery patron, “What can I get for you?” “Oh you know…the usual.” The man narrowed his blue eyes at Dan and grinned wickedly, “Vengeance.” “YOU!” Dan cried pointing an accusatory finger at the bearded man. “Hey, uh… Dan…” Chris said as he spotted the man with the cane, “Nice disguise.” “Thanks, Chris,” Dan* replied, “I needed something to go with all the painful bruises and cracked ribs. I thought the hobbled old man look would work perfectly.” Chris nodded, “Definitely a smart choice there.” “Chris! Stop being so nice to the guy!  Ever since we saw him he’s done nothing but…uh…” Dan* cocked an eyebrow, “Get pummeled mercilessly and violently thrown out of places?” Dan rolled his eyes, “Sure, play the victim here! Those where all things you could have avoided.” “Uh…except the first time he was thrown out,” Chris pointed out, “Pinkie didn’t give him much of a choice.” “There you go reminding me she’s not here, again!” Dan said. “Greeeat, now I’m lonely with absolutely no one I actually like to keep my company…” Chris folded his arms, “It’s been nice spending the day with you two, Dan.” Dan’s eyes widened slightly, “Oops, sorry buddy, present company excluded…” he replied. Chris’s expression went from irritated to shocked as if the tall man had just been electrocuted. “…Dan did you just retract something mean you said about me?” he asked. “Yeah, sorry buddy. Kinda having an off day without Pinkie around,” Dan said. D.H. approached the group from behind the counter. “Does that mean you don’t like me?” She asked as she puffed out a quivering lower lip and fire a double shot of watery, crooked, puppy dog eyes at Dan. “Alright, fine,” Dan sighed out. “I may find your absolute patheticness oddly charming,” he said as he waved a hand in D.H.’s direction. “Yay! I’m pathetic!” D.H. cried as she threw her arms into the air triumphantly. “What about me, boss man?” Crunchy asked as he approached the counter from the dining room area. “…You’re tolerable,” Dan said, “provided you’re not talking about hippy garbage,” he qualified. Crunchy smiled, “I’ll take it, brah!” Chris and Dan paused as they noticed a peculiar grinding sound. They both turned towards Dan’s disguised imposters and cocked an eyebrow. “Dude, are you grinding your teeth?!” Dan asked. “May-be,” Dan* said through gritted, grinding teeth. Dan and Chris exchanged confused glances. “Uh, look, buddy I get you have this really creepy grudge obsession with me,” Dan began, “but if you haven’t noticed, walking right into the middle of the bakery and waiting for me to ‘slip up’ isn’t really paying off… you know… unless you’re trying to accumulate as many savage beat downs as possible in a single day. In which case, there are probably easier ways to go about it. Watching you get thrashed time and time again is starting to make me feel sorry for you,” Dan said as he tilted his wrists inwards to point to himself with his fingers, “and I hated you with every iota of my being at one point.” Dan* narrowed his eyes at his apron wearing double, “You don’t get it, do you?” Dan folded his arms, “You’re upset because you figured I was destined for a life of lonely misanthropy, but you soon discover that I have a steady, decent paying job, friends, an attractive, loyal girlfriend who will commit violent acts on my behalf, and most of all, that I accomplished all this without significantly altering my behavior or approach to…” Dan paused briefly and thought about this, “…well, pretty much anything.” Dan* stared at Dan and blinked a few times, “Uh…” Dan continued, throwing a glance towards the ceiling and holding a palm upwards, “Furthermore, to keep ahead in life, you have to constantly move from person to person, searching for and taking the place of any friendless shut-in who happens to look like you, and then proceed to play Mr. Nice Guy to a ridiculous degree just to make sure you have enough plausible deniability should your target decide to fight the hostile takeover of his life.” Dan* scratched the back of his head, “Well… I mean…” “In conclusion,” Dan said as he placed both hands on the counter and leaned forward, “the fact that a guy like me can accomplish so much while hardly lifting a finger and even force life to conform to my whims while you have to slave away just to get by drives you batty.” Dan held his hands up vertically and motioned them forward, “It’s infuriated you to the point where it’s rekindled your obsession with taking me down a peg as I’ve become the antithesis of everything you are, and am somehow doing really well for myself regardless. All of this is compounded by the fact that your attempts at running afoul of me seem to backfire more often than not, leaving yourself far, far in the red as for as the vengeance scoreboard is concerned.” “Wow Dan,” Chris said, “I can’t believe you actually put together a theory that doesn’t involve aliens, monsters, or the supernatural and actually makes sense! But, remind me to get you a book on metaphors, or something…” he added. Dan grinned and waved his hand dismissively, “No need, Chris. I’m like a shark!” “…You have to keep moving?” Chris asked in a confused tone. “No, you imbecile!” Dan replied in an irritated tone. “I have razor sharp teeth and when I bite, my victims often die of massive blood loss.” “I…wait…are you talking metaphorically?” Chris asked as he raised an eyebrow. “Chris,” Dan replied, “if you just stopped being stupid for five seconds, you’d see the answer clear as…” “…Alright, maybe you do get it,” Dan* interrupted. Dan turned back to his disguised double, “Get what? Oh right! You’re motives that keep you walking into here so you can get the tar kicked out of you.” He shrugged, “When you’ve been in the vengeance game as long as I have, you develop a nose for these things.” Dan* narrowed his eyes at Dan and smirked, “Alright my delightfully insightful double, if you’ve figured out I’m hell-bent on ruining this life of yours, what’s to stop me from going to your apartment at Casa Paradisio and targeting that sweet girlfriend of yours?” Dan rolled his eyes, “Because that wouldn’t prove anything. If you wanted to harm my property or the people I cared about directly, you would have done it already.” He refocused his eyes on his bearded double and pointed an index finger, “No, what you want is to prove my way of life can’t last and that all it takes is the slightest slip up from me and everything I have will fall apart so you can sleep nice and sound in your little bed and remind yourself that all the fake smiling and helping the needy you do is necessary,” he said in a mocking tone. “Especially if you don’t want to end up like me...erm… past me…” Dan qualified. “If you hurt Pinkie, you’ve only shown you can hurt me if you resort to depths even I’m above…” he held a palm up and leaned an arm on the counter, “Besides, she’s stronger and crazier than you… though you’re starting to bridge the gap in the latter category with all this stalking... Anyhow, best case scenario she beats you up and calls the cops, and that’s not exactly a likely Pinkie Pie reaction when she’s confronted by someone she has good reason to loath,” Dan said matter-of-factually. To Dan’s and Chris’s surprise, Dan* smiled and began to softly golf clap, “Alright, you’ve impressed me. I guess I’ve spent so much time trying to get into your head, I didn’t realize you were doing the same.” Dan raised an eyebrow, “Does this mean you give up?” Dan* smile grew malicious and he tilted his head down, casting shadows over most his features, “Not at all.” Dan sighed, “Look, I know this is unlike me, but I’m feeling pretty good about where things stand between us at the moment. I really think you should let this one go.” Chris paused, “Dan, can you wait a second?” “What is it, jerk-face?” Dan said as he glanced at Chris. Chris reached into his pocket, pulled out his smartphone, and faced the back towards Dan, “I want to commemorate this event in case it never happens again.” Dan rolled his eyes, “Fine, but make sure you get my good side.” “Look,” Dan* began, “all I want is one more chance, one more opportunity to prove you don’t have the restraint to pull off functional member of society behavior for an extended period of time and I’m gone.” Dan regarded his double suspiciously, “Really? You want to try this failed routine of yours one more time, and if you fail I can go back to running a crazy, yet successful, bakery and getting mad snuggles on with my girlfriend without catching you following us around like a lost, angry marmoset?” “…Seriously Dan,” Chris said holding up his palms in frustration, “would it have killed you just to say ‘puppy’?” Dan shot his friend a quick glare, “I hate dogs.” He turned back to Dan*, “What’s the catch?” “No catch!” Dan* said holding up a hand. “As long as you don’t mind special requests.” Dan knitted his brow and looked over Dan* suspiciously, “How special?” “I want you to bake me a pie,” Dan* said. “That’s it?” Dan asked in a surprised tone. Dan* nodded, “Yep, and I’ll even pay you for your services, too.” Dan grinned and extended a hand, “Alright, pal, you’ve got yourself a deal.” Dan* smiled and took Dan’s hand, giving it a firm shake. “One more thing,” Dan* said, smile still set on face. Dan frowned, “Hey, no curve globes, buddy…” Chris’s eye twitched, “It’s ‘curve balls’! How could you screw that up?!” “Heh, don’t worry,” Dan* said holding up his hand, “I just hope you don’t mind a little critique when I’m done.” Dan narrowed his eyes into tiny slits as he locked his green eyes on his double’s blue eyes. He stared long and hard, as if trying to view his counterpart’s motives by boring a hole into his double’s brain with his vision. “Fine…” he uttered out.   Dan turned and walked towards the kitchen, “Cross-eyed, Cripple, woman and man the register, respectively.” D.H. and Crunchy saluted. “Aye, aye,” they said in unison. Chris followed Dan, “Dan, are you sure this is a good idea.” “…Seriously, you’re going to object to me making a pie?!” Dan said in a shocked tone. “Well, no… it’s just…” “Hi Dan,” Wally interrupted as he emerged from the bakery’s office, “why don’t you call it a day? You’ve been here since morning and I can handle things.” “Can’t, pie challenge,” Dan answered. Wally knitted his brow from behind his glasses, “Pie challenge?” “Yes,” Dan replied, “I’ve been issued a pie challenge and I must make a pie if I want to live a life free of being stalked by a crazy lookalike.” “Uh… okay Dan… but… have you ever made a pie?” Wally asked. Dan opened his mouth and held up an index finger, then slowly closed it as his eyes drifted off to the side. “THAT!” Chris said. “That’s why I was wondering if it’s a good idea.” “Alright, so I hit a snag, I’ll figure it out…” Dan said as he rubbed a thumb and forefinger against his chin. “Well… he didn’t say it had to be a good pie,” Chris pointed out. “There’s not like there’s anything on the line, here.” “Uh, my pride as a master baker?!” Dan replied. “Dan, you’ve been working as a baker for about a month,” Chris said, “it’s hardly your most defining trait.” “And that’s exactly what my evil double wants to prove! That I can’t hack it in this zebra eat zebra world of baked goods.” “…Alright, now you’ve got to be doing it on purpose,” Chris said. “Doing what, monkey?” Chris sighed, “Never mind…look, why don’t you just quickly bake something, take your licks and move on?” “Oh, and let that fiend know he’s better at me at something?!” Dan cried. “I won’t have it!” Dan said dramatically. “My victory over him will be complete he will rue the day he crossed paths with Dan… you know… as in me… me Dan.” “Yeah, I got it…” Chris replied. “Now, if you need me,” Dan said, continuing to walk towards the kitchen, “I’ll be baking my first pie, and it’ll be awesome!” Wally sighed and nervously glanced out the window as the sun continued to lower in the sky. “You think this’ll be trouble?” he asked Chris. “Well… the guy out there seems to be an expert at driving Dan crazy, so who knows what’ll happen.” Wally pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead, “I was afraid you’d say that…I better keep an eye on things. I just hope he wraps this up before it gets dark.” “Huh? Why would that matter?” Chris asked. “Uh…” Wally began to sweat profusely, “…nothing, no reason… just try to keep him out of trouble.” Chris nodded, “Of course.” -ooo- A pink crowbar slammed against the blue, carpeted floor with a resounding, ‘Thump!’, inches away from a TV remote the bounced up and hit the ground again. “HOWLD STWILL!” Pinkie cried, as she held the metal crowbar in her teeth and continued swinging her head up in down in attempt to end the offending item.  ‘Thump!’ ‘Thump!’ ‘Thump!’ “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” “Uh…Pinkie…?” Twilight called out from the mirror in the bedroom. “Everything okay in there?!” Pinkie spat the crowbar out of her mouth and snatched the remote in her forehooves. She zoomed into the bedroom and held the black, rectangular device up for Twilight to see, “HELP ME DESTROY THIS EVIL CREATION OF SCIENCE!” From behind the books and scrolls scattered in a semicircle in front of her, Twilight cocked an eyebrow at her pink pony friend, “Oooookaaaay… Do you mind explaining why?” “She mocks me with its tiny buttons and endless insults,” Pinkie explained. “Uh, Pinkie? I don’t think…she can talk…” “WHAT?!” Pinkie shrieked. “Are you kidding?! She won’t shut up!” Pinkie suddenly furrowed her brow and stared down at the item in her forehooves, “NO! YOU SHUT UP! … NO! YOU SHUT UP!” she screeched. Spike wandered up to the mirror, “Uh… hey Pinkie, you holding up alright?” “Well, I would be if the appliances weren’t plotting against me!” Spike and Twilight exchanged confused, concerned glances and looked back at Pinkie. “There are inanimate objects in your apartment… that are conspiring against you…?” Twilight said as she narrowed her eyes. Pinkie dropped the remote, zoomed up to the mirror, and leveled a forehoof at Twilight, “Don’t let the whole, ‘not actually alive’ thing fool you!” Pinkie cried. “The microwave has been waiting weeks for a chance to strike! Now that I no longer have fingers, it’s going to rally the troops… in this case the stove and stereo… and then BAM!” “Uhhhh…Bam, what?” Spike asked. “You know BAM! Something big is going to happen!” Pinkie insisted. “… Such as?” Twilight asked. Pinkie paused and tapped a forehoof against her chin. “Wellll….I’m not sure what…” she admitted, “but SHE knows!” Pinkie declared as she turned a pointed an accusatory forehoof at the remote. She dashed back and scooped the item into her hooves. “Tell me what you know! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!” she demanded in a shrill tone as she violent shook the remote back and forth. “Erm, Pinkie,” Twilight interrupted, “maybe we should try working on making you human some more…” “Whoa, you mean you’ve actually got something?” Spike asked. Twilight leaned down to the purple dragon and held up her arm to block her voice, “Not really, but anything is preferable to watching Pinkie slowly lose her already tenuous grasp on reality from across dimensions.” “Good point,” Spike replied. “Good idea, Twilight!” Pinkie said. “Whacha got?!” Twilight plastered on a wide, fake grin, “How would you feel about being 12 feet tall…” she asked cheerfully, “and also having two heads…and technically being an ogre?” “Wait, what?” Spike replied. “Hmmmm… well… none of my clothes would fit me… and the apartment would be a lot smaller… and I probably couldn’t go out in public still…” Pinkie grinned, “But, I’d have hands!” “Well, I guess that’s something…” Spike agreed. “Hands I could use to crush those conspiring items in the apartment!” Pinkie declared with a mad grin as she rubbed her forehooves together. “Uh… you know what? This was a bad idea…” Twilight said. “Change me!” Pinkie cried. “Pinkie, no!” “CHANGE ME!” “I said no!” “Come ooooon!” “Hey, maybe you should get a second opinion?” Spike suggested helpfully. “Oooo! Good idea! I bet Dan would love having a giant, two headed girlfriend,” Pinkie said. “I’ll give him a call,” Pinkie declared as she rushed off in search of her phone. “Phew…” Spike uttered as he wiped a claw over his forehead. “Spike,” Twilight began, “I hate to rain on your parade here, but Dan might actually say ‘yes’.” Spike’s eyes widened, “Uh-oh…” Pinkie suddenly zipped back into view, holding her smartphone up in her forehooves. “I CAN’T WORK MY PHONE WITH HOOVES! I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND! I CAN’T DO ANYEEEEETHIIIIING! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!” tears began shoot out of Pinkie’s eyes as if someone turned on two high pressure water spigots behind the optical organs. Twilight and Spike looked at each other and frowned then turned back to Pinkie with a sympathetic look. “Don’t cry Pinkie,” Spike said, “it’ll be alright…” “NO IT WON’T!” Pinkie insisted through her tears. “I CAN’T LEAVE THE APARTMENT WITHOUT SNEAKING AROUND, AND I CAN’T EVEN WORK HALF THE THINGS IN HERE, AND WORST OF ALL, I DON’T HAVE DAN TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!” “Any other bright ideas?” Twilight asked Spike in an irritated tone. Spike folded his arms and shot a glare at the purple alicorn, “Well it was a better idea than turning her into a giant monster!” “At least that wouldn’t have turned her into a heap of tears!” Twilight retorted. Spike rolled his eyes, “Right, like having her put another hole in her ceiling was going to improve things.” “AND NOW MY FRIENDS ARE ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAH…!” Twilight and Spike softened their expressions and turned back to the mirror. “Alright,” Twilight began, “let’s all…” “…HUAAAAAHUAAAAA…” “… just calm down…” “…HUAAAAAHUAAAAA…” “…and figure this all out.” “…HUAAAAAHUAAAAAHUAAAAAAAA!”  “She’s gone…” Spike stated exasperatedly. Twilight sighed as her ears flopped down and she lowered her head, “Yeah…” Pinkie suddenly paused, as her phone began to vibrate and an upbeat melody began to play from it. “…I can’t decide whether you should live or die...” Pinkie’s face lit up, “That’s DAN’S song!” “…Do we even want to know?” Twilight asked. Spike shook his head, “No…no we do not.” “... Lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride!” Pinkie began frantically poking at the device with her hoof. “I CAN’T WORK THE BUTTON.” “Uh, Pinkie?” Spike spoke up. “WHAT?!” Pinkie cried as she turned to the purple dragon. Spike tapped his nose with a claw. “Oooo! Good idea!” Pinkie grinned and raised the phone up to her face. “Hehehe…Boop!” she said as she poked the green ‘ANSWER’ button with her nose. “Heeeeeey~, Dan!” “Hey, Goofball.” Dan greeted, “How’s it… What’s that rustling noise?” Pinkie ceased cradling the phone against her chest, and returned to balancing it on a hoof as she leaned her head close to it, “Erm…nothing!” “…Were you hugging the phone just now?” “Uh…yeah…” Pinkie admitted. “Wow…that’s uh… incredibly adorable, actually…” Pinkie beamed, “Speaking of incredibly adorable, how would you feel if I were twelve feet tall and had two heads and was also technically an ogre?” “I…what?” Dan said as he cocked a confused eye at the Bluetooth headset in his ear. “Don’t answer now…but just think of how great it would be if I crushed the microwave with my bare hands!” Pinkie said, hissing the words ‘bare hands’ through gritted teeth as her face contorted in wild anger. “…You’re having a bad day, aren’t you?” Dan asked. “You have no idea…” Pinkie replied. “Hey Dan,” Chris said as he walked into the kitchen, “Da…er… other you was curious as to when you’d be done with that pie.” “I’M WORKING ON IT!” Dan shouted. Chris stared at the lumpy mass of dough that Dan seemed to have savagely beat with a rolling pin, “Uh… right…” “…Having a bad day, too, huh?” Pinkie asked. “Yeah, everything’s kinda off without you around,” Dan admitted. Pinkie merely puffed out her lip and whimpered in reply. “Uh look…as great as it sounds to have a giant girlfriend that can crush my enemies and chatter her nonsense at me in stereo, I really like you the way you are.” “Awww, you always know…” Pinkie paused, “Wait… you meant, ‘the way you were’, right?” “Pinkie, I’ll listen to your adorable pony chatter later, but I don’t have time for cute antics!” Dan declared. “We have a crisis!” Pinkie gasped. “A bakery crisis?!” she replied. “Of the foulest sort!” Dan declared. “You’ll never guess who came to the bakery this morning.” “Chris!” Pinkie said. “…Okay, well yes… but that’s not who…” “D.H.!” “Uh… also true, but…” “CRUNCHY!” “Alright Goofball, I need you to shut up and focus here.” Dan said. “Right! Shutting up and focusing!” Pinkie said as she sat on her haunches and held still. Twilight narrowed her eyes. “…How’d he do that?” she asked motioning out to the now substantially calmer Pinkie with both forehooves. “Guess Dan just knows how to handle her,” Spike mused. “My would be imposter tracked me down to the bakery,” Dan exclaimed. “That fiend!” Pinkie cried. “Oh, if only I was human…” she narrowed her eyes as her expression went dark, “they’d never find his body…” “Yeah, his plan is to basically stalk us until he catches us doing something he can turn us into the cops with,” Dan explained. Pinkie gasped, “He’s figured out our achy cheese wheel!” “…It’s ‘Achilles’ eel’.” Dan corrected. “HEEL!” Chris cried out.   Dan put his palm over his Bluetooth headset and glared at Chris, “Did you just talk to me like I was a dog?!” “No Dan,” Chris said irritably as he stood with Dan in the bakery kitchen, “it’s ‘Achilles’ Heel’ you know… as in Achilles’ weak spot?!” Dan paused for a moment and thought about this, “Well that explains why I could never find any stories about Achilles’ pet eel when I looked up Greek myth…” He removed his hand from Bluetooth device. “Anyhow, I get the bakery customers and then some cops to beat the heck out of my creepy twin,” Dan said as he continued his chat with Pinkie. Pinkie paused “…Neat!” “Yeah, but now he’s back and wants a pie.” “THAT FIEN… wait… what?” “Yeah, he wants me to make a pie for him so he can eat it while telling my how bad I am at making pies.” “…THAT FIEND!” “Right, that’s where you come in, can you help me make a pie?” Dan asked. “Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied. “I mean, it’s my last name!” “Great! What do I do first?” “Uh, have you made dough for the pie crust?” “I mixed water, flour, and butter then realized I had little to know idea what I was doing and savagely attacked the mass with a rolling pin… does that count?” “…No, no it does not,” Pinkie replied. “Just a sec…” Pinkie looked up at the mirror, “Hey guys, do you mind if I work with Dan for a bit on something?” she asked Spike and Twilight. Twilight smiled, “Not at all. I’m just happy you’re a lot calmer now…” Pinkie grinned, “Don’t worry, as long as I have Dan to keep me from going crazy, I’m sure I’ll be fine!” Twilight and Spike turned to each other as Pinkie once again focused her attention on the phone in her hooves. “Wow…even I can’t believe we’re relying on Dan to keep Pinkie sane,” Spike said. Twilight sighed and went back to pouring over the spells in front of her, “It’s the blind leading the blind alright… they’re doomed…”