I knocked on the door of the boutique. “Oi! Get up, Rarity! We’ve got a vampire to stake!”
Sweetie Belle opened the door. “Hello Valiant. Rarity’s asleep right now.” She cocked her head. “What was that about vampires?”
“Nothing, forget I said it.”
“I can’t.”
I sighed. “Sometimes grownups say things that don’t make sense.”
“That’s why my parents say.” She smiled. “My parents are actually here right now. Would you like to meet them?”
“I really need to get Rarity moving.”
“I’ll get her for you.”
There was some rummaging around and the sound of voices. Eventually two ponies dressed for vacation came out the door. The parents, I assumed.
“Well, you must be Rarity’s friend!” said the stallion.
“No, she’s just my partner in crime.”
“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” He clapped me on the back. “Have a good time.”
Shortly after, Rarity came out. “I can’t go with you today. Sweetie Belle is staying with me while father and mother are on a trip.”
“You don’t understand. This bloodsucking mofo needs a stake.”
“Well, we certainly can’t take her with us.”
“I agree, but can’t you dump her with someone else?”
“It will take a while to find somepony who’s willing.”
“No it won’t!” shouted Sweetie Belle, who had apparently been listening. “If you want me gone, I’m going!” She marched out the door and went down the road.
“You’re letting me down, Rarity,” I said. “Either Sweetie Belle is a ninja or you’re the deafest vampire ever.”
She grumbled. “I wasn’t expecting her to be listening.”
“Well, either way, we need to get going.” We walked over to the CHOPA.
After the engine was spun up, I advanced the blades and the machine lifted off. It seemed sluggish, like there was extra weight on board. Probably just the Cutie Mark Crusaders stowing away. Rarity should probably know. Nah, I need a laugh.
We headed south towards Pensafoala, on the coast. There was a big navy base down there. Not sure why the ponies needed a navy. I wondered if they had the same perceived sexual preferences as human sailors. I shook my head to get rid of the thought. I did not want to think about gay ponies.
I flared the helicopter outside the city and gently hovered down for a landing. I saw a small shape separate from the helicopter’s shadow. Hmm, only one? Maybe it wasn’t the Crusaders after all.
“Where are we going?” complained Rarity. “The salt air is terrible for my mane!”
She hadn’t made the transition to whining yet, so I ignored her. I found my way to an apartment building where I’d discovered a vampire living.
“Got your raincoat?” I asked.
“After what happened last time? Absolutely.”
I knocked on the door. A pony answered.
“Hi there. We’re the blood ‘n guts inspectors. We’d like to see yours.”
The great thing about lines like that is nobody is ever sure if you’re serious. As the pony tried to work out what I meant, Rarity stabbed him with her horn. He blew up.
“Whew,” I said, peeling off the raincoat and dropping it on the floor. “Not bad for a day’s work. Let’s take his stuff.”
“I’m only just barely justifying killing by telling myself it’s for the greater good. I’m not comfortable with theft.”
“It’s not like he needs it anymore,” I said.
“Oh, but I do,” said a voice. Another pony stepped into the room. He had fangs.
“You didn’t tell me he had a roommate!” said Rarity.
“I didn’t know!”
“Well this is just fine and dandy. Now he’s got the drop on us.”
“Well if you weren’t the world’s worst vampire, we wouldn’t have this problem!”
“Take that back!”
“No. And furthermore…hey wait, where did he go?” The other pony was nowhere to be seen.
We cautiously walked forward. In the back room of the apartment, we found the other pony tied up and hanging from the ceiling. Somehow, that had happened while we were arguing.
“Huh,” I said. “That’s weird. Anyway, I guess I should stake him.”
The pony struggled to get free. “What do you mean?” asked Rarity. “Are you going to take care of this one just because it’s easy?”
“Are you accusing me of handing you the difficult jobs?”
“Yes. You only want to do this one because he can’t fight back.”
“That’s not true. You’ve handled all of the stakings so far. I almost feel left out.”
“If you would only step up and be a stallion!”
“Oh no you didn’t! Listen here—”
A stake flew in though the window and pierced the vampire’s heart. In the resulting shower of blood, I suddenly regretted taking my raincoat off.
Rarity giggled. “Oh, you look simply marvelous! Good enough to eat.”
I didn’t reply, but glared daggers at her. Then my expression changed and I threw up.
Several minutes later, and one digested meal lighter, we left. On the way out, I decided not to steal their valuables. I had no idea whether ponies knew what CSI was, but decided not to take the chance. There was DNA spread everywhere.
I had wiped off what blood I could, but it was going to be a long sticky ride back to Ponyville. I was going to have a very hot bath when I got back and then probably go to sleep and have nightmares. At least said nighmares would probably be about gore, rather than stallions making out like we had witnessed before leaving Pensafoala. I debated shoving a handful of cashews down my throat and praying that the allergy would kill me. There are worse things to suffocate on.
I was honestly sorry about what I had said earlier. Clearly, Rarity was not the worst vampire ever if she was also a successful vampire hunter. I did wonder, however, who had supplied the help that we had received.
Some sporting event called the Sisterhooves Social was that afternoon, but I declined to go. PTSD, not normally a laughing matter, was hitting me hard. Instead, I decided to work on the killer robot that I had recovered from the Everfree Forest.
Twilight was out of the library, which was good. She didn’t need to see this. The robot appeared to be a good replica of her. I had somehow, luckily, smashed the processor when I’d conked it on the head prior to dumping it in the forest.
I debated trying to get it working, but didn’t think I needed two Twilights any more than I needed two holes in my head. Instead, I delved deeper into the mechanics, trying to see if there was anything I could learn.
The eyes contained advanced optics. The movements were controlled by high-tech electromechanical systems. The processor, while broken, was like nothing I had ever seen before in Equestria.
So where did it come from? It was possible that someone, the Princess perhaps, had been keeping this technology from the general public. It was also possible that it was from the future. Once you believe in magic, time travel doesn’t seem so farfetched.
Could it also have come from a different world? I shook my head. No, this was a dream, darn it. But was it Twilight’s dream, or mine? Why would she have created a mechanical doppelganger of herself? Why would I?
I shook my head. Too many questions, not enough answers. More science, less speculation.
I checked back through the robot again, looking for any serial numbers or data plates. I spotted a small metal tag and leaned forward to read it. Property of—
Suddenly, I saw something moving along the rooftops out of the corner of my eye.. I looked up, out the window. It was a small pony clad in black. I saw them go in an open window on the upper floors of the boutique.
A filly pulled off the black mask.
Well wasn’t that something? Sweetie Belle was a ninja. She apparently hadn't attended the Social. Once you've got vampire slaughter down, your sisterly relationship is probably good enough.
I shrugged and went back to my work.