This wasn't the Celestia I’d ever thought I’d meet, and frankly? I’m surprised I didn’t fill my pants. All I could think to do was reply with as much earnest respect as I could muster. “Of course, ma’am.”
Her eyes narrowed. It felt like her glare might pierce my skull, as though she were trying to read my brain by sight alone. “What are you?”
I had the distinct impression she was starting off with the easy questions, possibly to get a feel for how I answered before diving into the real meat of the matter. Since my life was on the line, I answered as honestly as I could with as many details as I could remember. Sadly, the result was more like word vomit instead of a proper answer. “Human. Evolutionarily related to chimpanzees. We call ourselves Homo sapiens sapiens in our scientific nomenclature.”
Where Twilight was animated, Celestia was like a statue as I answered. She was silent for a moment, then asked her second question. “Who are you?”
...Great. The name question. Here was one of the most powerful entities I had ever encountered, and if the tiny little voice of reason screaming about fae lore in the back of my mind was right? If I answered truthfully she would be able to exert her will over mine without batting an eye. But if I didn't, she said she would kill me. So, as cold sweat trickled down my spine, I answered truthfully and prayed I was wrong about names being a source of power. “My name is Stephen Coleman. I’m a student at Sonoma State University, currently studying mechanical engineering and industrial design.”
The statue that was Celestia moved, ever so slightly. One eyebrow arched upwards, but this did nothing to diminish the force of her presence. Frankly, I was surprised I was still able to hold myself upright under the stress of being so close to her. Then came a third question. “What is it you want?”
My mouth got away from me at that point, scurrying away like a panicked animal. “I want to get home, take a shower, and pretend none of this ever happened. I want to get hilariously drunk and pass out in my bathroom so I can forget this whole day. I want to graduate. I want to be remembered. I want-”
“Enough.”
There was a distinct clack as my jaw snapped shut. At the time, I thought I might have chipped a tooth.
“What is it you want from Equestria?” I could feel my sense of self stop cowering as her voice approached conversational tones. There was still certainly a hardness there, and she was still putting on quite the show, but there wasn't the same preternatural force behind her words. “Why are you here?”
“Nothing, though it might be nice to make some friends.” I actually managed to shrug, though I knew for a fact I was shaking. Probably a side-effect of the adrenaline coursing through my veins. “As for why? As far as I can tell, an accident. I certainly didn’t intend to come here.”
"Do you intend to return?" Her voice was like ice down my spine, and right about then is when I had an epiphany. This was Celestia preparing for war. She didn’t want it, since she was asking questions, but she sure as hell was ready to do anything to protect her domain.
“I might like to, if you would allow it.” I like to think I sounded more confident than I felt. “Your people - your ponies, rather, seem friendly enough.”
That’s when the world noticeably relaxed. As Celestia’s horn dimmed, I heard birds off in the distance for the first time in what felt like an eternity. The shimmer of distortion playing across her coat disappeared as the heat I’d been engulfed by was replaced by a crisp autumn breeze. Then she sighed, wings folding up against her barrel as her ethereal mane and tail calmed themselves. “My apologies. The last time an incident such as this occurred-”
“What do you mean, ‘the last time’?” Twilight’s voice broke in, with all the grace and subtlety of a bulldozer covered in strobe lights. “You never told me about anything like this when you briefed me on the nature of ongoing threats to Equestria!”
“Excuse us.” Celestia’s horn flickered, and I felt my scalp tingle. Then she turned to Twilight… And all I could hear were horse noises. Fucking magic, am I right? Without anything else to do, I just sat there and watched the conversation. From the rapid-fire nature of Twilight’s speech, as well as the rather impressive gesturing she was doing with her hooves and wings, it didn’t take a genius to guess she was well and truly annoyed. There was a moment where she turned to me, probably asking a question, only to round on Celestia with a renewed vigor as she realized the comprehension spell had been dismissed and I had no way of knowing what was being said.
To her credit, Celestia weathered the tirade with the look of one used to such outbursts. She didn’t raise her voice, she didn’t gesture wildly the way Twilight was, she just waited for the younger alicorn to tire herself out. Then they exchanged words, Twilight much calmer than before, before they both turned to me. Celestia’s horn gleamed for a moment, and I felt the prickling of the comprehension spell settle across my scalp again.
“Now that we've settled that misunderstanding,” Celestia glanced at Twilight, who at least had the good sense to look a little embarrassed, “I do believe it’s time to get our guest home.”
At that point Celestia turned to look up the path, lighting her horn as her head swung around. Without a single bit of fuss, a semi-circular plane of something that resembled the surface of a soap bubble flicked into being in the middle of the path. It was easily tall enough for me to walk through standing upright, and behind the diffraction-shimmer I could see the trail I’d been on earlier. It was like looking through a window, albeit one in desperate need of cleaning. Now I’d seen enough levitation to get used to the idea, but this? This was magic, pure and simple. I had to struggle to keep my jaw from swinging open.
“Wait, you’re just sending him home? That’s it?” And there were Twilight’s trademark diplomatic skills at work once again. “Celestia, we could learn so much from his species. They clearly have advanced metalworking techniques, and their understanding of electricity and its potential applications is so far beyond anything anypony has even thought of-” She stammered for a moment, then pointed a hoof at me. “The...the device with the touch-responsive surface!”
“My phone?” I patted myself down to find my smartphone, then pulled it out. “This?”
“Yes! That!” There was a note of desperation in her voice. “You said it needs an electromagnetic signal of some sort to function properly, right? Well, light is just visible electromagnetic radiation, and the portal’s letting that through! See if it’s working!”
I glanced at the status displays, and sure enough I was receiving enough of a signal to pull down something from the internet. “Twilight? You probably get this all the time, but you’re a genius.” I’m pretty sure I was grinning like a maniac as I tapped away at the screen. I knew exactly what I was looking for, bandwidth caps be damned. “You remember how I told you that we sent explorers to our moon?”
“Yes, and it’s impressive you did that without magic, but what does that have to do with anything?”
I grinned incrementally wider as I found the video I was looking for. One tap made it fill the screen, and I turned my phone around so the two alicorns could see. “This is footage of a man named Neil Armstrong. He was the first human to walk on our moon. Now, the video quality’s nothing to write home about, but it’s all we had to work with about fifty years ago.”
I pressed play, and a familiar voice came out of the phone’s speaker. ‘That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind...’
Twilight was absolutely enthralled for the next minute or so, and I could tell from the cant of her ears that Celestia was giving the video her undivided attention. When it was over, the pair looked at each other.
“Celestia-”
“Twilight-”
Celestia ceded her position to Twilight with a gesture, and the purple mare took full advantage of it. “If they could do that fifty years ago, just imagine what they know now! We have a chance to learn about sciences we've barely even considered before, from a culture that’s taken the time to explore them in depth! Just think of all the advances we could make in communications, transportation, virtually every one of the materials sciences…” Twilight stopped to take a much-needed breath before finishing. “The list just goes on! We’d be foalish not to learn all we can from them!”
“Well spoken, Twilight, though I urge caution in your research. If knowledge truly is power, as some philosophers have claimed over the centuries, then this species has power we know next to nothing about. That we seem to have established contact on neutral,” Celestia smiled, sparing a moment to glance at me. “hopefully even friendly terms is miraculous on its own. As I have no authority over you or your studies, and I do agree that we have much to learn from this culture, I wish to offer my services to you as a mage. I do happen to have some experience with sealing inter-dimensional gateways such as this one, and I would be more than happy to help you secure this gate in such a fashion as to allow your guest to pass while preventing others of his kind from accidentally stumbling through into our domain.”
Twilight opened her mouth, as if to launch into a prepared rebuttal, then her mind caught up with what was just said. I could hear the gears in her head grinding to a halt. “You… But I thought… After that display…”
“I’ll tell you about why I did that later.” Celestia just kept on smiling, warm and enigmatic. “My only condition is that you take responsibility for the actions of your guest while he’s here. If you won’t, then I shall seal the portal permanently.”
“Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Twilight started bouncing in place, wings fluttering slightly, then she promptly shattered any sense of decorum she had left by wrapping her forelegs around Celestia’s neck. Yup, she just straight-up hugged the solar diarch that had oh-so-recently threatened to kill me. “I promise, I’ll take full responsibility for anything he does while he’s here.”
“I don’t think you’ll ever earn a title more fitting than ‘faithful student’, Twilight.” Celestia allowed herself a light giggle as Twilight went back to all fours. “You’re always finding new things to learn, and from the most unlikely sources. Now let’s see about getting a proper filtering gate set up on this portal, shall we?”
While they set about doing things I had absolutely no ability to understand - over half of the things I overheard were either gibberish-English or native Equestrian, presumably due to the comprehension spell not being able to cope with high-density technical jargon - I leaned back in my bike seat and stared at the sky.
I was alive, and I was going home.
I decided this was worthy of a reward, so I reached back and fished an energy bar out of my bag to chew on as I let the adrenaline wear off.
I could come back.
That hadn't quite sunk in yet. I was sure it would, at the least-appropriate time, but for the moment? I could sit back, relax, and enjoy the colors of Equestria in autumn. In the middle of my reverie, however, Celestia’s distinctive mane wafted into my field of view. “Yes, ma’am?”
“Our last visitors weren’t as peaceable as you are, and I had to take certain steps to ensure my little ponies would be safe.” There was a brief shuffle of her wings as I sat up and looked over at her. “I’m sorry I frightened you. I wish I could say it wasn't my intent, but…”
“The way I understand it? Something similar happened in the past, it was bad, and you were afraid it was happening again.” I shrugged. “You were acting in the best interests of your population with the information you had available.”
“Exactly.” Celestia nodded, a thin smile gracing her lips. “If it’s any consolation, I would have felt absolutely horrible if I’d had to incinerate you.”
“I’d say I would've felt horrible too, but I somehow doubt I would've felt anything aside from a very brief flash of heat.” I couldn't help but grin. “And for the record? If you feel I have to go for the good of your nation, I won’t take it personally. Just make sure I don’t see it coming?”
“Fatalistic much?” Celestia glanced over to see if Twilight was still working on the portal, then she stuck her tongue out at me. Just long enough for me to notice, without risking Twilight picking up on it too. “Apologies aside, I did have another reason for speaking with you. May I see the ring you’re wearing?”
“My ring?” It took me a moment to realize she was talking about the dice ring on my left hand. It was a simple steel ring with a pair of smaller free-spinning bands on it, and it was imprinted with the right dividing sections and numbers to serve in place of a set of FUDGE dice. I’d picked it up ages ago, and had worn it so long I’d forgotten I was wearing it. So I held up my hand, confused. “This old thing?”
“Hm.” There was a tingle of static as Celestia’s magic engulfed the ring, then slid it off my finger. “Steel, as well as a touch of your essence, and the elemental purity is more than sufficient to make it an excellent carrier for spellwork.” Her horn flared, setting the ring spinning freely in space. “It will make a fantastic passkey.”
I blinked as she settled the ring back on the appropriate finger. “So...what? In order to come back, I just need to be wearing my ring?”
Celestia nodded. “The spell is keyed to your unique biological signature, and will open the portal when you’re near it. Only you and any inanimate objects with you will be allowed through.”
“Done!” Twilight announced from her position by the gateway. “Did you find something to use as the key?”
“Indeed I did, Twilight. You were right, by the way. Their metallurgy is quite impressive.” Celestia glanced up at the sky, which was just starting to dim. “Goodness, the time got away from me. Lulu will be terribly mad if I’m not back in time to watch her raise the moon. I trust you can take care of matters from here?”
“What’s there to do? Hold his hoof while he walks through?” Twilight gave a dismissive wave of a wing. “Go, be with your sister. Heck, read that dossier I sent. The whole thing this time, Celestia. Not just the summary on the first page.” Twilight smirked. “It’s quite informative.”
“With you, I would expect nothing less. I look forward to seeing both of you again, under considerably less distressing circumstances.” Celestia treated the both of us to a genuine smile, then disappeared in a flash of light and a gentle pop of air rushing to fill a void.
Twilight visibly sagged. “I’m sorry about all that. I've never seen her like that before, not even when changelings tried to invade during my brother’s wedding…”
“Hey, it’s alright. All three of us are walking away unharmed.” I blew out a sigh, finally standing up from my bike and extending the kickstand. I considered myself lucky that there wasn't a wet spot. “Not that I wasn't worried, though. Geez, she’s intimidating when she wants to be…”
“No, I’m serious. I didn’t know that side of her existed.” Twilight kept shuffling and re-shuffling her wings, like she couldn't get comfortable. “I thought for sure-”
“Twilight.” Yes, I dared to interrupt her. After facing down The Unconquered Sun, I think I was entitled to at least one breach of etiquette. “It all turned out okay. Right now, that’s what matters. Not what could have happened, but what did happen.” I stretched, popping several joints in the process, then set about the busywork of clipping all my various night-riding lights to my bike. “You are the first pony to find a naturally-occurring dimensional portal that doesn't have an outright hostile race on the other side, and if I’m reading the subtext of your conversation right? You - not any other pony, you - have free reign to learn about us. Imagine the papers you could write on how we've adapted to a magic-free lifestyle.”
“Y’know, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound that bad at all.” Twilight giggled, even as she watched in fascination as I turned my bike into a rolling rave. “I wouldn't blame you if you need some time to think about coming back. Take however long you need. The spell on your ring is self-sustaining, and the barrier on the portal can run for thousands of years between recharges.”
“Good to know I have options, kid.” I could feel the adrenaline crash creeping up on me, and it was all I could do to not run screaming through the portal. Instead, I knelt down. “C’mere. After all that, I think we could both use a hug.”
“As long as you don’t grab my cutie marks. Spike thinks it’s an absolute laugh riot to make me jump like that.” Twilight rolled her eyes as she walked over. “So, uh, how should this…?”
“Forelegs up over my shoulders would probably be easiest.” I held my arms open as she reared up, unsteadily resting her cannons on my shoulders. “Relax, I’m not made of glass. Go ahead and lean in.”
Sure enough, I felt my knees sink into the dirt a bit as Twilight settled against me. “You were right, I did need this. Thanks.” I let my arms settle around her barrel, and aside from a few errant wing-twitches, she didn’t seem to mind.
I took a deep breath, slowly and deliberately fighting off panic. Oddly enough, it did help a bit, and I gave her a squeeze. “S’what friends are for, right?”
“One of many things, but I think that hugs are one of the more important ones.” Twilight giggled and returned the friendly squeeze, then disentangled herself from me with a few well-timed flaps of her wings. “You know, I’ve written a thesis on the magic of friendship if you’re interested in reading it.”
Oh shitsnacks. I was about to get a grad student talking about their thesis.
I could handle being thrust headlong into a magical land of talking technicolor ponies that I only thought existed in children’s animation. I could handle being interrogated by The Unconquered Sun. But getting a grad student going about their thesis? That was where I drew the line. “Sounds interesting, but maybe some other time?” I made a show of peering through the portal as I stood up and dusted my legs off. “I might have plenty of visibility lights on me, but I still kinda want to get home while there’s still some light in the sky.”
“Oh, I completely understand, I should get going too. Spike’s probably worried sick about me by now.” Twilight gestured to the portal with a wing. “Feel free to come back any time. The gateway spell will let Celestia and I know when you return.”
Right. Because knowing that was going to settle my nerves. I put the bike’s kickstand up, mounted up, and clipped a foot in to get ready. “I’m gonna be busy for a while, but I’ll see you when I see you. Take care of yourself, alright? No talking to strange hairless apes while I’m not here?”
“I’ll certainly try not to do that.” She giggled and took to the air, waving. “See you soon!”
I gave her a thumbs-up, purely on reflex, and shoved off. I was up to speed in less than a second, and through the portal an instant after that. Aside from a full-body tingle, there was no obvious sign I was back home.
Then I heard cars in the distance, and I nearly whooped with glee. A glance to the west showed the telltale haze of light pollution from sodium-vapor street lights. I’m positive that if someone needed to, they could’ve lit a stadium with my grin. Once I got back to the paved trail I stopped to turn my bike computer back on, and laughed triumphantly as it wasted no time getting satellite locks.
I was elated. I was the first person that I knew of to visit another world, face down an entity that could have killed me as easily as I kill bacteria when I wash my hands, and return. Hell, I even had an open invitation to come back! Sweet, sweet endorphins flooded my brain as I rode back home, easily keeping pace with the evening’s stop-and-go vehicular traffic once I got back to the road.
I had never felt better in my life. I was, beyond any shadow of a doubt, alive. I went so far as to tack an extra ten miles onto my route home, just for the sheer joy of it. If my life had a soundtrack at that point, it most definitely would have been a little something by a band called Queen. You may have heard of them.
When I got home, everything blurred together. I know I got my bike inside and stripped down, then I jumped in the shower. I’m not proud, I sang while I was in there. Yes, at nine at night. The neighbors could nut up and deal with it.
Then I got out of the shower and, in the middle of toweling myself off, caught a glance of myself in the mirror.
I looked like I was one small step away from turning into a psychopathic axe murderer.
That’s when it finally hit me. I nearly died less than three hours ago.
I took a deep breath, pulled on my lounge pants and a fresh shirt, and headed for the liquor cabinet. Once I was there, I very deliberately mixed myself a rum and rum. It’s like a rum and coke, only you substitute rum for the coke. After adding ice - you try drinking warm rum - I went to my desk and dug out a lighter and a half-empty pack of five-year-old cigarettes. It was a filthy habit, one I’d been able to get under control, but at that moment in time I just could not find enough fucks to give about my health.
Intoxicants in hand, I walked out onto my apartment’s balcony and collapsed into a time-weathered piece of patio furniture. Fall in California isn't terribly uncomfortable as long as the wind’s not blowing, and it wasn't. I set my drink on the equally-battered card table I kept nearby, stuck a cigarette in one corner of my mouth, and lit up.
I spent the next hour or two out there, alternating between puffs of cigarette and sips of rum, staring at the night sky and slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’d cheated death. I only came inside when I ran out of rum and cigarettes, and my bladder informed me in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t find a toilet soon it was going to open the very literal floodgates.
After taking care of business, I made my way to bed. Or rather, I stumbled into my bedroom and fell into bed. The instant my head hit the pillow, I was asleep.