//------------------------------// // The Coffee Button // Story: Compilation of Miscellaneous Typed Scribblings of A Random Guy // by A Random Guy //------------------------------// The Coffee Button By A Random Guy A magical glow suspended a bowl of olives in the air by Twilight’s head. Two of the little fruits jumped from the bowl and soared into her mouth. As she chewed on her little fruits, she observed Pinkie as the party pony dropped large box on the kitchen counter. “So, what’s in the box,” Twilight asked as she chowed down on another olive. “I don’t know. I just found it at my door this morning. It even came with a postcard.” A pink hoof shoved a picture of an old building in a tropical city. Written in orange cursive letters were the words “From Bronxico, with love”. A paragraph was written on the back of the card in Bronxican, which Twilight couldn’t read. She noticed that the paragraph ended with the phrase, “Hasta luego, your cousin, U.” “I didn’t know you had cousins in Bronxico.” “Yes you did. We went over this a few weeks ago.” Pinkie began ripping the tape off of the top of the package. “Or maybe that was Applejack. I forget.” As Pinkie tore up the tape, Twilight played a guessing game with herself over what could be in the package. Seeing that the box was about one and a half cubic meters large, she immediately deduced that the object inside was big. The box didn’t seem like it had undergone significant strain, so whatever was inside of it wasn’t heavy. The last of the tape fell from the top of the box. Pinkie got up on the counter to look down into the package to see what was inside. A warm heavenly light reflected off her face as she stared at its contents. “Ooh, pretty shiny!” the pink pony squeaked. Twilight stood up and tried to lean over the package’s side to take a peak, but her view was blocked by her friend’s fluffy pink mane. Before she could push her friends out of the way, something clicked inside the box. The cardboard panels that made up the sides started to fold outwards. The glow from inside grew. A song of an angelic choir echoed out from the void. Time slowed down as Twilight’s mind flooded itself with question revolving the box’s contents. With the light show going on in front of her, it had to be something important. The box’s light covered her forehead. It had to be some sort of magical artifact. Why would Pinkie’s cousin send her such an artifact from Bronxico? Did she send it as a gift, or is it something so dangerous that she could only entrust Pinkie to keep it safe? The box’s light covered her eyes, blinding her of the contents inside. But if it was a dangerous artifact, why would Pinkie’s cousin send it to Pinkie of ponies? What made Pinkie so special that she could be trusted to keep something safe? Was it something that was going to endanger the entire town in some way? The box’s light covered the entire room. The panels dissolved into nothingness, leaving the contents of the box sitting on the counter. The light soon dissolved into nothingness as well. In place of the package, on top of the counter, was the dangerous artifact Twilight was worried about. But she wasn’t thinking it was dangerous anymore, since it didn’t look like anything like an artifact. On her counter was a silver, vacuum sealed bag with the word “Coffee” written of the side. Next to this bag was a red plastic disk lined by a metal ring, a big red button. The unicorn stared at the new object in her kitchen. “An entire lightshow for a single button?” “Must be an important button.” Twilight studied the objects in front of her. “Well… Does it do anything?” “Let me check.” Pinkie did what one would do with any button and pressed it. After a moment, the button started blinking on and off, each blink taking a second between each state. Both ponies watched closely, waiting patiently for something to happen. Pinkie pushed her nose against the side of the device, her eyes daring it to make a move. Twilight mentally documented each blink as another hapless olive flung itself into her mouth. Twilight counted twenty-seven blinks before her friend started to fidget with her hair. At blink sixty-nine Pinkie began to occupy herself by spinning around on a nearby barstool. At blink one hundred and fifty four a fly landed next to the button. At blink two hundred and sixty three Pinkie fell from her barstool and complained about nausea. At blink four hundred twelve, Spike preformed a groggy waltz into the kitchen. His mouth opened wide to let a yawn crawl out as he climbed up the barstool next to Twilight. He mumbled something unintelligible as his head slumped against the counter, to which Twilight responded with a “good morning” greeting. Twilight almost choked on an olive at blink four hundred twenty six. At that particular blink, the button stopped blinking. In the same moment, a steaming cup of coffee materialized on top of the red dais. Spike’s head perked up as the aroma of the hot liquid reach his nose. His hand reached over to pull the cup towards him. The young dragon slurped as he took a long sip of the caffeinated drink. “That’s some good stuff. Thanks for making it, Twilight.” “You’re… welcome. Pinkie, you saw that didn’t you?” Pinkie waved from a fold-out chair she had pulled out earlier. Her eyes were covered by glasses with circle lenses and she wore a black beret on top of her head. She pressed a button on a cam-recorder in her hooves. The party pony responded in a fake fancy accent. “Magnifique. It was the epitome of my career!” Spike looked at the ponies with confusion. “What? Was there something in the coffee?” “No. Or, maybe. We don’t know. It just appeared out of nowhere after we stared at a button for a few minutes.” Spike nodded as he took another sip. “Seriously, Twilight, siempre haces cosas locas.” “Excuse me?” “Siempre haces cosas locas. ¿Fue ofensivo?” “Talk Equestrian. I can’t understand you.” “Sí estoy. ¿Qué otra lengua hablare?” “When did you learn Bronxican?” “No hablo Broxican. ¡Pinkie, dale que yo no hable Bronxican!” “Twilight, Spike isn’t speaking Bronxican.” “Wait, why can you understand him but I can’t?” “Because I speak Bronxican.” “¡No hablo Bronxican!” “Okay, there definitely was something in that coffee.’ The bag of coffee beans floated over to Twilight. “Bronxico Royal Blend,” she read off of the package. “Pinkie, does this blend usually have anything weird in it?” “Nothing that I can think of, although it’s too heavy in caffeine for me. I usually go with the Ponygal stuff, has more taste to it. But sometimes I need a pick-me-up so I mix it in with Coltumbian beans. And don’t get me started on Braztallion coffee.” “¡Basta con los juegos de palabras sobre poni y países!” “Sorry Spike, I was just getting carried away there.” “Well, maybe it has something to do with the button then?” To prove her theory, Twilight reached over to press the button. The button’s reaction was similar to the time before, it blinked, though it only took five blinks for the next cup to appear. “That was fast.” “¡Ay caramba!” “Interesting.” The unicorn poked the cup of joe off the button, attempting to see if anything interesting would happen. “We’re going to need more experimentation on this thing. Nopony touch this until I figure what it”- Pinkie snatched up the button before Twilight could finish, flipping the cup of coffee off the table. “Free coffee for everypony!” Twilight watched as the pink party pony ran out of the library on two legs while holding the button in the air. “… What it is… Spike, should I go after her?” “Ella es tu amiga. Va y da un revolcón.” “You’re probably right, she’ll be fine. You, on the other hand, should start speaking something we can understand.” “Solo si sé sobre que hables.” The little dragon turned to walk out of the kitchen. “Gracias para el café. ¡Viva la Uva!” Twilight was left alone once Spike left the room, left to think about what the little dragon said. Unfortunately, she couldn’t get far with his words, since they were in a language she couldn’t understand. “Eh, I’m sure it will sort itself out at some point. Twilight, being the studious mare she is, knew about many of the ailments that plagued the ponies living in a modern Equestria. Most were due to not bothering to take care of their own bodies when they were younger. She tried to take care of herself to beat the threat of sickness in old age. She usually had an hour of exercise or a healthy bowl of salad to thwart off the enemy of illness. However, there was one illness she didn’t have a cure for, old age itself. She considered this a serious problem, since most ponies ignored this problem until the last minute, and at that point the metaphorical/literal train had already passed and they didn’t get off the tracks in time. Since she had already prepared for the hypothetical event of standing on the wrong side of a moving train, she committed herself to solving the problem of old age at a relatively young age. It started out as a boiling passionate search for immortality, but after the second incident of a giant killer spider apparently mysteriously appearing in Rainbow Dash’s house, it died down to a simmering interest on the back burner. Before Pinkie showed her the miracle that was the button of coffee, Twilight had been occupying her morning in making her latest experimental Bottle of Youth. Since it was rather early in the morning, she didn't feel like setting up anything complex, so she had decided on playing around with her latest promising endeavor: olives. Olives were possibly the miracle fruit she was looking for. Although they didn't seem to have any qualities to suggest they were a fruit that added time to somepony’s life, in fact pickled olives may actually shave off a few years, they were so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that they may just ironically do something special over time. At least that’s what Twilight was telling everypony. In all honesty she just wanted to eat some dang olives without being questioned why she had a sudden love for them. Couldn’t a princess of Equestria eat without being put on trial for her eating habits? It was some time after Pinkie took off with the button when Twilight found out she ran out of olives. Being Twilight, she made sure to double check, then triple check, that she was out of the succulent fruits. After tearing up the library looking in each nook and cranny, then tearing up the fridge, then cleaning up the pile of torn up metal that used to be a fridge, then tearing up a couch after finding out the fridge didn’t have insurance that covered “violent magical tearing”, she determined that there was, in fact, no olives to be found in the house. Since there were no olives in the house, she would need to put olives in the house. And to do that, she would need to go to the market. There wasn’t anything wrong with going to the market, it was a necessary chore. A trip to the market only meant that Twilight would get her saddlebags, close up the library for an hour, and have a nice walk in the town. She never knew what could happen in those town walks. Usually the trips were uneventful, and this trip started off seeming uneventful as well. She smelt the flowers, she admired the cloudless sky, and she said hello to passing ponies. The only odd thing so far on this trip was that ponies were suddenly donning a new mane style, a style that composed of an excess of dark green dye and hair clumping that made ponies’ manes look similar to a bush. On her way to the town center, Twilight came across a newly constructed vender’s stand. Bent nails stuck out all over the rotting wood of the stand. White paint was haphazardly splattered across the boards. A sign above the stand had large black letters painted on that read “Free Coffee”. A line of ponies extended from the front of the stand and snakes between the nearby buildings. Behind the stand, the premier party pony of the town passed out cups of coffee to anypony who walked up to the stand. Twilight, deciding a side conversation was worth her time, cut in front of the first pony in line to confront her friend. “Pinkie, are you using the coffee button irresponsibly?” A large bulky stallion shoved past Twilight as he retrieved his complimentary caffeinated drink. “This is responsible, silly.” Pinky smiled as she passed along her product. “You can’t hide a wonderful invention like this from the public. It’s bottomless coffee, Twilight, bottomless coffee!” “I can see why ponies would want that.” Twilight watched as the stallion took a big swig from the cup, and then proceeded to shatter the cup on the ground once its contents were empty. “But you should be telling these ponies about what they’re drinking?” Suddenly, Twilight found herself being stared down by the above-average-in-size stallion. “Is there something wrong with my coffee, ma’am?” The unicorn reeled back with each breath the stallion let loose. “N-no sir, nothing in your coffee. It’s all good in the hood, as they say.” “Good to know.” A small wooden branch, such as the one from a young sapling tree, sprouted from the stallion’s forehead. The branch swayed as he turned his head to face Pinkie Pie. “Gracias para el café, señora. ¡Viva la Uva!” “My pleasure. Viva la Uva. Next!” The branch on the stallions head bounced up and down as the massive horse walked away. “Uh, Pinkie, how long has that…” “The plants on ponies’ heads? Oh, that started happening when I mixed the generic brand. Some ponies couldn’t handle such a dark coffee like Bronxican coffee.” “Pinkie, you’re playing with a device that we don’t know anything about.” “Oh, I know all about it. The instructions were written on the postcard.” “You mean the postcard written in Bronxican?” “Yep.” “Out of curiosity, did it say anything about ushering the apocalypse?” “Yep, but don’t worry. It only happens in the afternoon when the five o’clock feeling kicks in. We have time.” “… You know what, I’ll worry about it after lunch. I’m really in the mood for some olives.” Twilight was used to having due dates pile up on her. She found that she could get a lot of work down with a deadline breathing down her neck, even if she found herself having a mental breakdown in the process. At the moment, her deadline was a natural and common one. It was an internal deadline, a deadline that everyone had. To simply put it, it was a deadline of hunger, a hunger that, if the deadline isn’t met, would lead to the mass destruction of civilization and life on earth. Fortunately, this hunger was usually fulfilled with a hearty lunch, such as a sandwich. All she could think of was having a nice olive sandwich, with sliced olives packed into olive bread, doused with olive jelly, all kept together with a toothpick with an olive impaled into it. She found it rather irritating that it was the only thing she could think of, but she didn’t think much of that since the olive sandwich was all she could think about. That’s not to say she completely shut out the world around her. Twilight considered it rather rude to ignore somepony that gave a greeting as she passed by. “Mornin’, Twilight,” a passerby would say. “Hey,” she would reply instinctively with a nod of her head. And then the thought of the passerby would immediately be replaced by the mental image of her ultimate prize. Oh, olives, how could be described? What is it that made you so delightful? What give you your magical charm in every bite? Is it- “Hi Twilight!” interrupted a passerby with plant-like hair. “Hey.” Where was she? Oh yes, magical charm in every bite. Was it how the juices formed the perfect combination of chemicals to create the perfect taste? Was it how the skin of the god of fruits broke apart as her teeth would rip through it? Was it- “Buenos días, Twilight. ¿Qué tal? ¡Viva la Uva!” another passerby interrupted. “Hey.” What about the color? Oh that color of all colors, the color olive. That color scheme just sets the standard all industry should follow. A red interior with an olive green outer shell, what could be more splendid? Nothing could- “Blaaarrrlllgllaaaa,” interrupted a passing giant pony-tree hybrid monstrosity thing as it stumbled into the side of a house, taking down half of the building. “Hey.” Wow, there were a lot of distractions outdoors today. Where was she? Olives, blah blah blah, magical charm, blah blah blah, juices, blah blah blah, industry standard or something like that, blah blah, blah. For some reason, she couldn’t remember where she left off, and for some other reason, she thought it had something to do with ponchos. “Excuse me, ma’am.” But why would she be thinking of ponchos when she was thinking of olives? She could have sworn that her train of thought was going somewhere groundbreakingly philosophical, but where exactly? “Ma’am, excuse me.” It didn’t matter where her mind was taking her. Olives were the only thing that mattered, and filling her empty stomach with a good meal of olives. How long was it going to take her to get to the restaurant? She couldn’t wait for olives forever. “Ma’am, everything is ready.” “Oh, what?” Twilight broke out of her olive trance and looked around her. She was, in fact, at the restaurant. It seemed that sometime in the last hour, she sat herself down at the restaurant, ordered an olive-tini for a drink, consumed several baskets of chips, and drew a masterpiece of an olive on a napkin with crayon. “Oh, yes, I’m ready. Ready for what, exactly?” “Your sandwich is ready, ma’am,” the waiter replied. He placed a plate with an olive sandwich on top of the table in front of her. Apparently, she also ordered her lunch as well without her knowing. “Buen provecho, señora.” “Thanks.” The waiter left Twilight in solitude with her precious lunch, the sandwich that was stuffed with the olives she dreamt about for the past hour. The consumption of such a heavenly relic couldn’t just be eaten without a care. It needed to be caressed, bathed in a ritual that would honor even the mightiest of gods. First, she centered the sandwich on the plate to ensure that her entire process would go flawlessly. Such a procedure needed a perfect foundation. Next, she turned the plate in a clockwise direction until the pointiest corner faced magnetic north. This would allow the good spirit of the olive god to smile down upon her as she feasted on her meal. For her next part, she put her hooves together and bowed her head in respect. She didn’t know why she did this, she just felt like she should go all the way with the ritual. Finally, the part of the ritual came where she could finally consume the olive goodness in-between two slices of bread. She engulfed the sandwich with her magic, which began to hover in the air. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth wide. Her magic propelled the lunch towards her mouth. When her magic felt it in between her teeth, she decided it was as good of time as any to take a bite. But when her mouth snapped shut to partake in her delectable treat, she couldn’t taste it. Switching to panic mode, her eyes shot open to investigate why she wasn’t eating an olive sandwich at that moment. Instead of floating pieces of bread with condiments in-between, all she could see was wood. She looked down the wood to see the remnants of what she used to call a sandwich being crushed by a tree stump. Her eyes followed up the tree stump and wood to find that the stump was larger than she had first thought. It merged with another stump to form a thick trunk. Farther up the trunk was the face of a pony that was twisting out from the bark. When she saw the face of the single pony, the thoughts of the olive sandwich left Twilight’s mind and were replaced by a single phrase that she felt needed to be voiced. “Dang it, Pinkie. What did I tell you?” “Pinkie, we need to talk.” The pink party pony looked over as a branch from a giant pony tree picked a cup of coffee that appeared on top of the red button. “Sure, what do you want to talk about?” “Stop giving away coffee. Its turning ponies into giant walking trees.” “They don’t seem to mind.” The pony tree moaned a long wail after flinging its cup of coffee across the town. “You’re welcome. Enjoy your day!” “Pinkie, stop it. Are you even aware of what you’re doing?” “The coffee is tuning ponies into plants. I thought it was obvious.” Twilight’s forehead made a thud as her hoof instinctively smacked into it. “Okay, let me put this in simple terms so you can get why this is a bad idea. This will end in an apocalypse. You seem to be fine with this fact, but if we all die by mutant pony trees, I’m going to lose a bet. The world is only allowed to end by giant squid.” Pinkie pressed the button for a walking bush. “Why does it just need to be squid?” “Because that’s what I’m betting on, only squid. If there’s anything else in there I have to clean the library for a week.” Pinkie passed the new cup of coffee for the bush’s consumption, which consumed it by letting it spill all over itself. “You should’ve gone with giant cockroaches. They don’t know it yet, but they’ll be the harbingers of the end of everything.” “Right there, you just gave more coffee away. You need to stop this!” “Even if you get me to stop, you still have your problem of pony-trees, which only you perceive as a problem.” “I know that. I’m trying to get a handle on the spreading of the problem.” The unicorn looked around at the town square, which at this point was full of pony-trees stumbling around the place. One stumbled over and tapped the coffee button. The handle of the cup hooked onto the branch as it appeared. The pony-tree lurched back into the square with its prize, crashing it another tree as it waddled along. “I don’t think you have a handle on this situation.” “Hush, let me think.” Another passing pony-tree stumbled along, scrapping the button and picking up its cup in a single motion. “Have you thought of anything yet?” “No I haven’t.” Pinkie watched her friend ponder about her predicament as several other pony-trees came by to pick up their brew. After the nineteenth one, Twilight jumped up in an “aha” moment. “Did you think of something?” “Even as trees, ponies are still coming along to drink coffee, right?” “That’s what’s been happening.” “And they became trees when you threw in the generic brand, correct?” “Eh, they were about as wooden as before. Why? Watcha thinking?” “Maybe, just maybe, we can reverse the polarity of the current coffee by throwing in another type of coffee to counter act the current effects.” “That’s a terrible idea.” “Giving away the dredge that comes out of that button is a terrible idea.” “Only you think that’s a terrible idea.” “Well, only you think adding in more coffee is a terrible idea.” “Touché.” “So, have any ideas for an extra blend?” “One word: Braztallion coffee!” “That’s two- forget it. Braztallion it is! It’ll probably be the best idea today yet.” “That was the worst idea today yet.” Just a few minutes ago, the distribution of the new blend was in full swing. It seemed that pony-tree monsters from all over town instinctively flocked to try out the new coffee. Twilight tried trying her best from getting impaled when a tree branch charged to pick up a cup. Fortunately for Twilight, they enjoyed the new stuff. Unfortunately for Twilight, the new stuff caused the pony-trees to spurt hot lava all over the place. Twilight and Pinky huddled together inside a magical shield Twilight threw up before a wave of molten rock cascaded over them. Both wore a pair of thick sunglasses to shield their eyes from the heat radiating through the shield. Their coats shimmered in the fiery embers of the liquid stone. “I told you that was a bad idea.” “Quiet.” Twilight concentrated on a single point of empty space. Nothing could break her out of her trance, not even the pony-tree that waded through the lava and tripped over the shield. “I was banking on that reversing the polarity. It was the only think I could think of.” “You know why it was the only thing you could think of?” The unicorn didn’t waver away from her stare into nothingness. “Why?” “You have the five o’clock feeling. It’s the time where everypony gets tired and dredge comes out of their brains.” “Well, good to know I have that. Is there any way I can get rid of it?” “Ya, just give me a bit to prep it up.” Twilight continued staring at the nothingness, ignoring the waves of lava that splashed over their protective sphere. “So, coffee… Coffee coffee coffee coffee. Why would coffee do such a thing as this? And why would it be so inconstant? Bronixcan made Spike speak Bronxican, generic turned ponies into trees, Braztallion made turned the trees into lava monsters.” “Here you go.” Pinkie held up a mug full of brown liquid for Twilight. “Thanks,” Twilight replied, her gaze unwavering, grabbing the mug with her magic. “Adding stuff to the blend is too risky. Maybe adding water will… No, that may just turn ponies into fish. Maybe adding cream? Cream makes coffee sweeter, so maybe that’ll work.” She took a sip of her coffee. “Maybe if we could reach the Elements of Harmony, we could fix all of this, but that’ll take time to collect them all. Maybe a quick visit to Canterlot for a shopping trip at the Magical McGuffin could work. I’m sure there’s something there that’ll solve this problem.” She took another long sip from her coffee. “Again, that would take time. Maybe if I make a contrived metaphor. My problem is like a… It’s like an alien invasion. Ya, that works. And during an alien, if you eliminate the leader, everything else goes away. So, if the coffee button is the leader, then we just need to eliminate the button. Aha!” She broke away from her gaze and swung around to give Pinkie a big hung, waving the mug through the air with her magic. “It’s genius! All we need to do is destroy the button!” Behind Pinkie, suspended in the air with a purple magical glow, was her mug, which she finally gave a thought about for the first time. “Pinkie, why am I holding a coffee mug with my magic?” “Because you were drinking coffee.” “What?!” The mug shattered against the ground as the magic hold released it. “You gave me the coffee that turns ponies into giant tree monsters?” “Yep.” “We’re in a magical bubble shield! I’m going to grow significantly and we’re going to be squished in here! Do you have any idea how dumb that was?” “Oh, relax. I had eight and I’m fine.” “Okay, well maybe it doesn’t affect the Elements of Harmony then. Guess that’s a perk of being a savior of Equestria. That’s good to know.” The lava slushed away from outside as a giant pony-tree came crashing against the shield. Pinkie waved at the new visitor. “Hi, Fluttershy!” It was at this point Twilight collapsed against the floor. “Oh, Luna, we’re going to be giant tree-ponies!” “Twilight, you may”- The unicorn rolled around on the floor as her legs flailed up in the air. “I’m going to be a pony-tree thing! It can’t end like this! It just can’t!” “Twilight”- “Goodbye, cruel world! Why have you forsaken me like this?” “Twilight, it’s alright. All you have to do is get up and look.” “I don’t want to look! I don’t want to see myself end up like that!” “Twilight, as one of your closest friends, I say this with all the love in my heart. Grow a pair and look around.” “Huh?” Twilight ceased her flailing and looked. She braced herself to be blinded by the embers of lava, or to feel the vertigo of suddenly finding her head a mile high pushing a forest of foliage out of her hair. Bu she didn’t have foliage for hair, she just had normal hair. And there weren’t embers there to blind her. In fact, the lava around her was completely gone. The giant pony-trees were gone, replaced by a crowd of ponies gathered huddled outside the shield. A yellow pegasus waved at the her friends trapped inside the bubble. “Uh, Pinkie, what happened?” “You drank the coffee and opened your inner eye.” “What does that mean?” “It means that, no matter how much we change, we’re still the same ponies.” Twilight looked down at her hooves to ensure that they were still hooves, which were, in fact, still hooves. “So, nopony was ever a giant pony-tree monster?” “Silly Twilight, we all are monsters on the inside.” “I guess that’s philosophical, in a pessimistic way.” “You’re not getting it. We all are monsters on the inside, literally. Everypony is still a giant pony-tree monster.” “But, they’re all normal looking.” “Ya, well, the perception of one’s self can alter the perception of everything else.” “You know, that is probably extremely thought provoking, but I don’t want to think about it. I’m going to get an olive sandwich.” “Do you want to have some coffee with that?” And on that day, the cops counted exactly seventy three witnesses that could testify against Twilight for charges of excessive assault with a button-like object. Deep within the interior of the border state of Equestria, Bronxico City sat seemingly unaffected by the events of Ponyville. Little linked the Bronxican capitol with the Equestrian village. However, one relationship existed, sustained within the postal system through postcards. Near the center of the city was the Casa Rosada, a grand pinkish building that hosted the core of Bronxico’s politics. It served as the office for all of the politicians on the highest level, serving as the home of the country’s president. The current president, Uva Pastel, a purple earth pony dressed for business, leaned back in her chair as she shifted through the important mail that her secretary organized for her. Most of the letters were pre-opened, having been searched beforehand to determine importance and potential risk. There was one unopened letter, however, that was heavily labeled with the necessary documentation to classify it to only be viewed by the president’s eyes, and her eyes alone. The return address pinpointed its origin to the small village in Equestria, Ponyville. Uva Pastel found a postcard when she opened the envelope. On the face of the card, a picture of Canterlot at sunrise was displayed with the words, “Canterlot, where the sun always rises.” On the back of the card, several paragraphs in Bronxican were written with neat penmanship. If those paragraphs were written in Equestrian, they would read as follows: “Hiya, cousin. Has anything happened since you last sent a postcard? I met another pony who likes to party who may party harder than me! He was nice about it, though, and we held Rainbow’s party together. It was the best birthday party she’s had ever! But I know that’s not what you really want to talk about though. Shame we never talk about the nice things in life. “The hallucination potion, like you said, did work. I wasn’t happy with slipping Twilight that nasty stuff, but it did work. She kept on eating the olives and she ended up having a mental breakdown. The Bronxican coffee did clear her up. I hate using my friends as test subjects for your experiments, but what needs to be done, needs to be done. “I heard that you’ll be shipping out the olives to the Equestrian public soon. The coffee buttons are going to follow, aren’t they? I know that you’re trying to build up your finances, but making these buttons for profit seems like a step in the wrong direction. I don’t know why, but I have a bad twitch about that, and you of all ponies should know that my twitches should be taken seriously. “Anyways, I hope it’s fun being president. I’ll see you on your next fundraiser tour. From your cousin, ¡Viva la Uva! with love, Pinkie Pie.” The president put down the postcard on her desk. There wasn’t really much else to do now but lean back, wait, and smile. Viva la Uva indeed.