Handy didn’t normally dream.
Well, that was not entirely correct. He did dream, but he was the sort of person who immediately forgot everything he had dreamt about upon waking, making it seem, to him at least, that all he had been doing for the eight hours he was unconscious was staring into comfortable, warm blackness.
This time was different. One moment he closed his eyes and drifted off, the next he was wide awake. Dreamless sleep was a troll like that, making you feel as if you had just fucking time traveled in an instant, or where it was day when it had just been night-time. It was incredibly jarring. He had had them before—we'd all had them. However, he had never had a dreamless sleep where he, well, dreamed.
“Ugh… Turn off the sun.”
He had dreamed he discovered a village of colourful, small, talking horses, some of which could fly. There had also been a zebra witch, a monstrous living mouth that sought to eat him, a talking figment of Greek mythology, and a lot of pain and aches. Weird. He yawned.
“Welp… bluh… Time to go to work,” he said, pushing off his blanket, surprised to see he was wearing his shirt in bed. ‘Funny,’ he thought. ‘I never sleep with my shirt….’ Then he noticed his bed was a field, his shirt was torn, and his ‘blanket’ was his hoody. Trepidation crept along his skin. ‘Oh no…’
“You’re up early,” a distressingly familiar voice spoke up from behind him. He froze. He looked slowly over his right shoulder. Lying there, across from the smouldering remains of the fire from the night before, was the sprawled form of the griffon, Joachim. The feathery fallacy yawned widely before smacking his beak a few times, his eyes heavy with sleep. Handy’s mind whirred, processing it all one more time. Yep. He was still in the land of madness. It had all happened: the cockatrice, the ponies, the witch, the jaw, the briar, the river, the pain, the aches, and the hangover. He sighed in defeat.
“Bollocks,” he said.
“What?”
“Nothing, just an expression. I uh… Good morning… Jockam, wasn’t it?”
“Joachim.”
“Joachim, right, Joachim, sorry. Just… still recovering you know?”
“Mmm,” Joachim hummed, rubbing his eyes with a claw. “Satisfied you didn’t get clawed in the night?” he asked, giving Handy a withering look. Handy avoided his gaze.
“Look. I regret my words okay. It’s just.. yesterday was rough, aye? And I am not normally an open sort of man.”
“Whatever. In any case, come on. I’m hungry. We need to get some breakfast.”
“I normally skip breakfasts in the morning,” Handy said. Joachim raised an eyebrow, which Handy admittedly found impressive on what was essentially the face of a bird. He didn’t have an eyebrow the way a human would, but the muscle was there. The silver-black feathers which formed a pattern around his eyes accentuated his expression, allowing him for a surprising degree of facial communication.
“That’s hardly wise, and you say you travelled to your place of work? Surely you had time to take breakfast with you?” Joachim asked. Handy shook his head.
“Nah, only had a half hour to get to work most mornings, provided I got enough sleep, then I had to spend whatever time between arrival and my work’s start time preparing everything to work the way it’s supposed to.” Handy grimaced. Computers were such fickle things. Who needed a woman? Technology provided all the frustration to set a guy up for life. Joachim shrugged, missing the context.
“Still, that’s no excuse.”
“Probably isn’t, but this is pointless. It’s not as if we’re on a deadline. What did you have in mind for food?” Handy asked. Joachim stroked the bottom of his chin. Well, more like his beak. The strangeness of a gesture of a creature that had such a radically difficult facial structure amused Handy, but he figured it would be rude to point it out.
“Well, I was thinking of apples, although honestly? I could go for a daisy sandwich,” Joachim said. Handy blinked.
“Wait, what?” he asked.
“Daisy sandwich,” Joachim said with a contented smile. It looked odd to Handy, almost as if it was… forced. “Preferably with good, freshly-made wheaten bread and freshly picked flowers, although that isn't too important. Once you get used to it, squashing the sandwich down and keeping them fresh for the road, you can get used to the taste easily. However—"
“Hold up wait,” Handy said, holding up a hand to stop the griffon’s babbling. “Apples, perhaps, but daisies?”
“Uh…” Joachim said, blinking. “Yeah! I mean, hay fries are great and all, but you can’t really have something cooked in vegetable oil in the morning. It’s not healthy, you know?”
“Okay,” Handy said, smiling. “Wait, just… You ARE a Griffon right?” Handy asked. Joachim raised yet another eyebrow at him. His good wing ruffled in agitation.
“I believe I said as much last night, yes.”
“And you’re talking about eating… daisies?” Handy asked, a mirthful glint in his grey-blue eyes. Joachim took a breath. His expression darkened. “You sure you wouldn’t like something a little more… red? Juicy perhaps? I mean, you are basically a lion that is also an eagle, so—”
“Okay, hold up!” Joachim shouted, springing to his feet, his one wing flared. “I am not going to be putting up with any racism from you! Just because I am a griffon does not mean my mother rutt—“
“Easy, easy!” Handy said, raising his hands defensively. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.”
“You say that a lot!”
“Look I just thought it was strange. You are clearly a carnivore, and you were talking about eating daisies.”
“I am not a carnivore!”
“Sure ya aren’t, and I'm the long lost heir to the Han Dynasty of China,” Handy said.
“Look, is this going to be a problem!?” Joachim said sharply. “I’ve been here for all of six months and had to eat this awful horse feed all of the time, just so I don’t get in trouble with the locals.”
“What?”
“I’m a carnivore! I admit it, okay! I need meat to live!” Joachim said, rearing up on his hind legs to emphasis the point. “I admit it; I’ve had to go skulking in the woods to get a hold of some unlucky rabbit or badger that crossed my path every now and again. This isn’t the eastern border with Griffonia. Most ponies are certainly not that understanding of someone sapient needing to kill and eat something else to live. Now that you know the truth of it, are you going to give me Tartarus for it as well?” Joachim said, now closer to Handy and jabbing a claw at his chest.
Handy only sat there and stared at the griffon in confusion. That was absurd. Like it or not, how could anyone expect, for all intents and purposes, a flying lion to survive by eating plant life? Looking at Joachim in the glare of the morning light, he noticed several ribs were poking unhealthily from his sides. Handy took a breath.
“Look here, fella,” Handy said. He pulled open his mouth and showed Joachim his teeth to the bird of prey, pointing a finger at his canines, then to his incisors and to his molars. “Do these look like the teeth of a herbivore?” Handy asked as he let his mouth go. “Humans are omnivores, but even so, we eat a heavy diet of meat, or we try to at least. Our bodies need it.” He raised his hand again in a placating gesture. “We recognise predators when we see them was all, which is why I was laughing before. Relax, you won’t be judged by me.”
Joachim looked surprised at this before letting out a rather explosive sigh.
“Oh thank the Maker,” he said before looking at Handy apologetically. “Sorry, it’s just… It’s safer to assume something that talks is a herbivore. Especially here in Equestria, double especially if you’re all alone with a broken wing.” He grimaced. Handy noticed he had teeth for the first time. More and more oddities. How do you even grimace with a beak anyway? His beak was surprisingly fluid compared to the hard appendages that most birds back home had. “Things that eat meat are usually wild animals, so meat eating has… connotations here.”
Handy shook his head in understanding that he was clearly faking because this was just layered insanity after layered insanity. Though he supposed, on an intellectual level, that if he walked into a nation ruled by vegans and shot a pig so that he could have bacon in the morning, he’d face at least a hefty fine.
Or, you know, be lynched. Depending on the crazy of course. Either way, he could sympathise with Joachim.
“I miss having actual beef sandwiches in the morning anyway.” Joachim looked up at Handy at that. “Beef, delicious chunks of meat. I personally like mine half cooked so that they are not entirely rigid when you bite down into them,” Handy explained. Joachim shook his head.
“Don’t think I’ve had that before. What do you hunt to get it?”
“Cows,” Handy replied. Joachim blanched visibly, even with his feathers.
“You’d kill somepony in order to eat them!?” he shouted, rather shocked.
Somepony? Featherbrain here needed a grammar lesson.
“No, not someone. Cows are animals where I come from. Don’t tell me they’re thinking, reasoning creatures here?” Handy asked.
“Yeah,” Joachim said. Handy blinked.
“Well shit, if that’s the case, then I guess eating beef very much sounds like cannibalism.”
“W-What else is an animal in your homeland?” Joachim asked, squinting at Handy suspiciously.
“Well horses for a start. Ponies too; same thing really.” They were not the same thing but close enough that Handy didn’t give a shit. He tapped his foot, his sock wet and heavy, and he noticed he couldn’t actually feel his foot. Not good; he’d need to do something about that. “Are sheep reasoning creatures here too?” Joachim nodded. “Damn, there goes lamb.”
“W-What… What don’t you eat back at your home?” Joachim asked. He was on his feet now, his good wing slightly raised and right claw slightly off the ground in a defensive posture. Handy noticed none of this and shrugged.
“Damn few things really,” Handy said before quickly adding an amendment with a wave of his hand. “Oh, there’s restrictions sure—religious, cultural, moral, and whatnot. The country where I come from, for example, considers eating horses to be tantamount to grievous sin, which is odd as we have no religious compunction against it. However, a short jaunt across the open sea, one of our neighbours considers horsemeat a delicacy.” He shrugged. “I know in some countries eating insects is popular, healthy even, but the rest of the world would find it disgusting. One eastern country considers eating beef sinful in accordance with their religion.” Handy frowned. “Now that I think about it, we humans have a lot of weird rules about eating.” As he mused, he turned his head back to Joachim. He rested it on his hand which, in turn, rested upon his raised knee.
Joachim’s eyes were wide, and his pupils became pinpricks. His good wing was fully flared, and his right claw was splayed and ready to lash out in a slashing motion. Considering the context of what he had been saying, Handy quickly resolved to calm him before he did something both of them would regret.
“Whoa, whoa there, Joachim! I am not a cannibal! I wouldn’t eat anything that thinks or talks! Look, back where I come from, humans are the only things that can talk or rationalize. We don’t need to worry about such things. Sorry if I scared you.”
“Y-You swear to that?” Joachim asked, now stepping back to put a bit of distance between him and the creature whose race he was now imagining as a voracious horde of insects, consuming everything in their path.
“Yeah! Jeez,” Handy said, standing up to his full height, causing Joachim to look up. That did not help matters as Handy cast his shadow over him, and his eyes seemed to grow even wider. Handy sat back down. “Didn’t mean to scare you like that. Look, I can say for the sake of your sanity that we don’t eat griffons,” he said with a gentle smile.
“How do I know that?”
“For one thing, there are no griffons where I am from. Oh, we know what you are, but no one’s ever seen one back home.”
“But if they were, how do I know you wouldn’t eat them?” Joachim asked, cocking his head and squinting his eyes in suspicion.
“For another thing, we don’t eat lions and eagles. We like eagles far too much, and lions put up far too much of a fight. Not worth the effort honestly.”
Joachim glared.
“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just the nearest comparison I have for you!” Handy groaned. “Look, forget it; we’ll deal with it later, yeah?” Joachim growled lowly.
“… Right,” Joachim agreed, finally relaxing his wing and putting both forelegs on the ground.
“Now, what you were saying about breakfast? And no daisy sandwiches this time,” Handy said. Joachim looked back at Handy for a moment, as if studying his face.
“How do you feel about fish?”
--=--
It took the entirety of the day before the pair made it to the town Joachim had been talking about. Spurbay was its name, a quaint little harbour town – white-walled buildings with sloped blue-tiled roofs nestled at the apex of a round bay, with artificial walls forming an enclosure to protect boats from storm waves. It lay in the shadow of a mountain that was visible for miles. It was not often one got a mountain at the seaside all on its own without being part of a mountain chain. Handy paid no mind to the oddity, however, for it was just another point to the crazy list.
He had spent the day reassuring Joachim for his earlier mishap of sounding like a cannibal that would eat anyone he came across. He eventually gave up and started teasing him about ‘How he now knew how the ponies felt about griffons.’ That soon shut him up.
“Right, there it is,” Joachim said, cresting a hill as the daylight faded. Lights were popping up here and there in the town below them as the town came alive as the sun died. “Now you’re sur—”
“For God’s sakes, Joachim!” Handy groaned. “If you ever, EVER see me so much as willingly lick up a speck of pony blood, I’ll be your personal manservant for a month. On pain of death even! Swear to God, right here right now, hand over heart!” Handy said. His left hand was indeed over his heart as he raised his right hand up to the heavens. “Now will you please shut up? I won’t eat anyone, so let’s just… let’s just get down there,” Handy said as he marched on ahead. Joachim shrugged.
“Fine.”
--=--
“Absolutely not!”
‘One inn.’
“Sorry, we’re full.”
‘Two inn.'
“Ain’t got no room, sorry!”
‘Three tavern score!’
“You picked a bad time to look for rooms.”
‘Four inn.’
“Keep moving.”
‘Five inn.’
“Sorry!”
‘Six halfway house more!’
“This is ridiculous!” Joachim exclaimed, wing flared, forelegs grasping his head. “They can’t all be full up!” Handy looked around. He was uneasy. There were an awful lot of colourful ponies in this town, and more than a few of them were casting curious glances his way. To be sure, the two of them were strikingly different from everyone else here, but he had the uneasy gut feeling that it was him they were looking at more than the griffon. ‘They’ve at least heard of griffons before,’ he thought, feeling eyes boring on the back of his head.
Well, that and neither of them looked in a respectable condition, what with Joachim’s bandaged wing and the ruination that was Handy’s clothes. His jacket had been savagely recycled. He had cut off large strips to wrap around his foot, which was now, thankfully, much warmer as a result. The rest of his jacket had been MacGuyvered into a makeshift belt using the remnants of his actual belt to support it. Handy was not the best at improvising, but a country boy life had prepared him to make do with what he had at hand. Often, the results would be described, if one was charitable and had low standards, as charmingly ghetto. It did not help that the salamander salve hadn’t finished its business, and the majority of Handy’s skin which was showing, meaning his arms and face, were still covered in criss-crossed cuts which must look like scars rather than the healing minor lacerations that they actually were.
That was probably the main reason why the ponies were giving them a wide berth in the cobblestone street, and why a particularly gruff-looking stallion in barding was giving them the evil eye from down the street. ‘They must think we’re troublemakers.’
“I dunno, Joachim,” Handy said. “I heard one of them mention there was a market festival happening soon, and a lot of ships have been arriving in port recently. Probably why all the rooms are taken,” Handy offered to try to calm his companion down. Honestly, he didn’t believe a word he said. But he couldn’t really blame the pony landlords from coming up with an excuse not to put up with the pair of them given their appearance.
“Still, there’s bound to be somewhere with space!”
“Can I help you gentlecolts?” an elderly voice spoke up from behind them. Joachim and Handy both visibly jumped. The voice came from a short yet rather elderly-looking light grey unicorn. Handy was still getting used to all the definitions and tell-tale signs. Unicorn, pegasus, earth pony, stallion, mare, filly, colt, foal… He probably should have listened more to his horse breeding neighbour back home when she had gushed about her favourite topic in the history of forever. The pony was bald; he had no mane apart from the errant white hair here or there, though his tail had two tones: grey and fading black. The image on his flank, his cutie mark—more terminology Handy had to learn—depicted what appeared to be an opening door.
“Oh yes, hello there,” Joachim said, recovering first. “We’re trying to find a place to stay for the night, but nowhere appears to have room. Could you point us in the right direction? We’d rather not sleep under the stars again.”
“Oh, but of course!” the elderly pony said, chuckling, his light blue eyes twinkling with kindness. Handy noticed that and found it odd, but he couldn’t place why exactly. “Ah figured you young’uns were looking a little lost, and well, I’ll be if I didn’t see nopony try to help you or even ask if you needed a hoof. Why, it seemed as if they were trying to avoid you,” he said, loud enough that it could be overheard. Several ponies shied away at that and averted their gaze. Some held their heads down low a bit. The guard pony from before suddenly found something else to draw his attention. Handy looked back down at the old pony. ‘Impressive.’
“Now come with me, for ol’ Welcome Sight will see ya right. Can’t have ponies be talking about Spurbay not welcoming fine folks such as yourselves when they’re in need. Come along now,” he finished as he turned to trot off. Handy and Joachim shared a bemused glance before following after Welcome Sight. The pair followed their rescuer through the winding streets of the harbour town, listening to him as he chatted his mouth off about this bit of history, or how good such and such’s shop did its business, or how that house had looked so much better before its owner painted it a slightly duller shade of white. Handy had tuned it out long ago, but he was starting to notice the ponies of the town were no longer giving them as wide a berth as before. He was still getting odd looks, but it was no longer the suspicious, worried stares of busybodies. It was a warmer curiosity, and several of them no longer looked away or pretended to be doing something else when he turned his head their way.
They made their way to a bed and breakfast near the edge of the town named The Shady Bough. It was a small, humble affair and clearly had seen better days. Welcome, well, welcomed them in and set them down at a long table that served as a counter.
“Now then,” Welcome said as he walked behind the counter and smiled warmly at them. “Can I get you fellows anything?”
“Um, n-no. Thanks, I’m good,” Joachim said, trying not to seem ungrateful by asking for anything.
“Oh come now, look at you. Have you had the chance to take a shower recently?” Welcome asked. Joachim’s mouth gaped. “Oh no, no, you don’t smell, but your wing is injured. My wife was a pegasus you see. You need to keep it relaxed and clean if you want it to heal well. You’ve clearly been traveling for a long while.” Welcome smiled, heading off Joachim’s concern. “Feel free to use the restroom if ya need to. Go on now, up ya get. I’ll have some warm tea for you when you come back down. Go on.”
Joachim’s expression was somewhere between surprise and… gratitude? Handy looked at him as he got up “I uh… Thanks,” Joachim said as he made his way to the stairs. “Up here?”
“Yes, second on your left,” Welcome said. Joachim looked up the stairs for a few seconds before turning back to Welcome. “Yes, it’s fine. Go on now,” Welcome said to Joachim’s unasked question. After Joachim had reached the top of the stairs, Welcome turned his sights to Handy. “Well now, you seem to be a long way from home. What’s your name, stranger?”
“Handy,” Handy said.
“Well, I won’t hear a word about it, so as soon as your friend’s done, it’ll be you next. But can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Perhaps you’d like something stronger. I saw your hoof wrapped in a bandage—might ya need it for the pain?”
“Just water, uh, I mean, thanks,” Handy said. Given his first day in Equestria, such kindness was rather jarring. In truth, he was still in pain: his leg throbbed at times, the aches in his bones made him feel stiff, and more than once he heard his neck crack alarmingly as he turned it. He also had a cold coming on. He had been feeling worse and worse since that morning. As if on cue, he clasped his hands to his face as he sneezed rather explosively. He shuddered. He saw a handkerchief floating in the air above him. “Thanks,” he said, taking it and using it to clean up. It was then he noticed that the handkerchief was floating. The unicorn before him had used magic to levitate it over to him. Joachim had told him about unicorn magic, and he had seen little snippets of it since he arrived at Spurbay, but he still couldn’t really believe it actually happened.
Welcome seemed to notice Handy’s discomfort. “Something wrong, Handy?” he asked, concern showing in his eyes.
“No, no just… feeling under the weather,” he said as Welcome smiled and turned away. “Actually,” Handy began, stopping the unicorn before he left the room, “could you… make me a cup of tea? I’d uh… I’d appreciate it, but I don’t want to impose.”
“Not at all. I’ll get you some now.”
--=--
‘He’s taking his sweet time up there,’ Handy thought to himself.
“—Well that would explain your cuts. The Everfree is not a good place to find yourself after a rough night,” Welcome said, chuckling softly. “You should be more careful when you drink. You sure you don’t know how to get home?”
“Well, I didn’t know Equestria existed until I awoke yesterday, so I guess no, I don’t think I do,” Handy answered, having decided to go for the ‘My country is so far away from here that I don’t know where here even is!’ explanation, rather than the preposterous ‘I am an alien from another world! I also eat a lot of meat. You’re meat, but don’t worry, I won’t eat you!’ explanation for why he was now in Equestria. Once Joachim got down, he’d get a hold of him and set him straight with the ‘correct’ story, just in case he went talking to anyone else about Handy. He had seen the griffon’s reaction when Handy had told him only the slimmest information about his world, and he didn’t want the dominant species to start unleashing manhunts to rid themselves of him.
‘Joachim’s paranoia is infectious it seems.’
“Ah well, I’m sure you’ll find your way back. Is that why you’re here? To get a ship?”
“Well no, but now that you mention it, are there any ships that go across the ocean?”
“Not these days, no. In Spurbay’s heyday, there would be oceanic ships arriving in the harbour, but times change. ‘Sides, with the Saltwater festival coming up, I’d imagine all the ships arriving are likely to be staying until its end. Or a few days after once their crews sober up,” he said, laughing again. Handy smiled. This pony made a great bartender.
“Worth a shot to ask,” Handy admitted as he warmed his hands around the cup of tea. “Honestly, I’m here with Joachim because of the mine nearby.” Welcome’s ears flicked up.
“What do you want with the mine?” he asked, a slight tremor in his voice.
“Well, there’s the reward for evicting the diamond dogs. Me and Joachim need the money.”
“So you’re not here for the wishing stone?” Welcome asked. There was a strange twinge to his voice.
“Well no,” Handy admitted. “If there really was a wishing stone, wouldn’t the diamond dogs have used it by now?” Handy asked, not knowing what in the hell a diamond dog actually was. ‘Maybe it’s literally a dog made of diamond,’ Handy mused. ‘Wonder how much one would sell for?’ Welcome’s sight dropped at that.
“Yes… Yeah I guess they would’ve.”
“Why do you ask?”
“Well my son was working the mines. Always a dreamer that one… he heard the legends about the buried gem and had been working the mine for the past few years.” Welcome sighed. “He got bitter about it after I told him not to go chasing after it. His cutie mark is in working an inn. We haven’t spoken for a year now. I heard the miners evacuated and abandoned the place after the diamond dogs took over, moving on to another mine,” Welcome said. “He didn’t even say goodbye.”
‘Oh… ouch,’ Handy thought sympathetically.
“Well… Maybe he’d come back if the diamond dogs leave,” Welcome said. His voice picked up a bit with hope, but he still looked down, studying the contours of the table. Joachim came down the stairs then.
“Shower’s unoccupied now; thanks for letting me use it,” Joachim said as he sat back at the table.
“It was no trouble. Tea?” Welcome asked.
“Oh, yes! That would be great,” Joachim said. Welcome looked at the kettle.
“Hmm, seems to have run out. Hang on, I’ll be right back.” He turned away and made his way back into the kitchen. Handy turned to Joachim.
“By the way, Joachim...”
“Mm?”
“If he asks, I’m from a faraway country, not another world,” Handy said. Joachim scoffed.
“Of course, like I’m going to want to be the one to explain that when you still aren’t so sure yourself. Next I suppose I’ll tell him your dietary requirements.”
“Hey, piss off; I was just trying to be clear.”
“Oh calm, I was just teasing. You ask about staying yet?”
“No, not yet,” Handy said, chewing the inside of his mouth. “What am I even going to pay for it with? I got nothing.” Joachim rolled his eyes.
“I’ll put you up for the night,” he said, waving dismissively with his claw. “Now get cleaned up. You stink.”
“Cheers,” Handy said, letting the insult slide for now. He finished the dregs of his cup before getting up. Joachim watched him get up.
“I’m surprised you don’t hit more doorframes,” he said jokingly.
“I have excellent depth perception, thank you very much,” Handy said before going up the stairs as Welcome came back into the room.
--=--
They made ready to leave the next morning. Handy initially questioned how creatures with an apparently medieval level of technology had access to indoor plumbing, but considering they were creatures with hooves capable of smithing form-fitting metal barding, if the guard was any indication, it was not too much of a stretch to imagine a particularly determined pony inventor figuring out the rigours of getting hot water from point A to point B. The Romans did it after all. But then again, they were Romans and were ridiculously overpowered in a lot of ways, so it was an unfair comparison. He figured he was overthinking it and pushed it to the back of his mind.
Now the bed sizes were a different matter.
Handy didn’t care what species you were, you always wanted a bigger bed. The beds Welcome had, God bless his soul for trying to accommodate, were woefully undersized to fit Handy’s embarrassingly lanky frame. He literally had to curl up into a fetal position to ensure his legs didn’t fall over the edges. ‘Inexcusable,’ he had decided. If there was one thing he loved in life more than coming home with his wallet filled with that month’s paycheck, it was beds, provider of the only consistent comfort in life: a good night’s sleep. Well, so long as you ceased giving enough shits about life that you didn’t let stress get to you. ‘I’ll BUY him bigger beds if I have to.’
That would prove to be something of a problem even if they had the bits to rub together. As it was, Welcome refused any such payment Joachim offered for letting them stay the night. Joachim was flustered and kept on insisting, but Welcome was having none of it. The two of them were politely shown the door after they were ready to leave before Welcome caved to their insistence on paying for his services and kindness.
“How much does a sign cost, you reckon?” Joachim asked.
“What do you mean?” Handy asked, raising an eyebrow. They were on their way out of town now, following a rocky path to the mine by the mountainside.
“Well, Welcome’s sign seemed pretty rickety. Could do with replacing…” Handy laughed, understanding Joachim’s intention instantly.
“Charity has a way of shaming folks who have means to pay their way. Welcome is just the sort of guy who lends people a hand, whatever their position in life,” Handy said, an odd look darkening his brow for a brief moment. “Even if they really should just take the payment.”
“I know. But still… I feel bad.”
“I know how you feel, our fella.”
It took them nearly an hour to get to the mine. It was little more than a gaping hole at the foot of the mountain, with a wooden wall preventing wind and rain from falling into it, and a large door built into a frame. All over the place were crude signs that were, to Handy’s surprise, written in English.
‘DU NUT ENTHER!”
Bad English, but English nonetheless.
“So what’s the plan here?” Handy asked. He had managed to find a few flat pieces of metal to slip into his makeshift shoe for his left foot, protecting his sole from stepping on something sharp. He had a club that was little more than a rather large and sturdy table leg someone— oh, terribly sorry, somepony left in the trash. Joachim laughed comfortably.
“Watch and learn,” Joachim said, flashing his claws as he sharpened them on a whetstone.
‘Ah,’ Handy thought. ‘So that’s why it felt like shaking hands with a scythe.’
“I don’t need anything other than these beauties and my own wits to evict them. You’re just here to look pretty and work their machines as necessary, remember?” Joachim said, smirking. Handy rolled his eyes.
“Are you sure? Barging in there? Just like that?” Handy asked as he cast an incredulous glance at Joachim, who proceeded to puff out his chest.
“Oh, don’t worry yourself! Diamond dogs are nothing to me. I’ll keep you safe. We’ll be over and back at the Shady Bough by dinner time,” he said. Handy frowned in annoyance.
“In that case, age before beauty. Off ye go.”
“Hey, I am not that old.”
“Get!” Handy said, gesturing to the door with a huff.
“Oh get over yourself," Joachim said. "It’ll be good exercise. ‘Sides, you could use it.”
“Oh, just get on with it!”
“Puleease,” Joachim said as he grasped the handle of the door. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
--=--
So it turned out diamond dogs had body types ordinarily reserved for gorillas.
“Watch and learn he says— HRMFH!”
And rather easily trounced the two of them as they foolishly rushed into their canteen, flailing limbs.
“I don’t need a plan he says— Yeah, hold it right there a second while I get this.”
Clapped them in irons and shoved pick axes into their appendages.
“Get over yourself he say; it’ll be good exercise he says— Watch it!”
And now they had been working the mine for the past week, getting precious gems for their new canine overlords. Considering the fact that this mine specialized in extracting metal ores, it was, understandably, slow going.
“What’s the worst that could happen he says? Haha! He says that, he actually says that!” Handy exclaimed.
“I’m standing right here, you know!” Joachim shouted, bringing his pick down on the wall the two of them had been digging for the past day and a half.
“No talking! More digging!” the scratchy voice from the mouth of the new tunnel shouted.
“Yes, boss dog sir!” Handy shouted back down before grumbling under his breath. “Well, at least Welcome’s son didn’t skip town on him.” You see, it had been of no benefit to the diamond dogs to chase the miners out. After all, ponies were useful for pulling heavy carts around and good for using powerful earth pony bucks to get that last stubborn gem out of its nook. So naturally, they enslaved as many of the miners as they could. The ones who got away foolishly assumed their fellows got out as well.
That had been a week ago. There were a dozen diamond dogs in all, and most of them had armour on and everything. There was pitifully little Handy’s club could have done against that. Joachim’s cockiness had survived a bit longer than Handy’s, and it wasn’t until he had a meaty canine paw smash into his temple that he got a taste of humble pie. Since then, they had been using picks to dig up the tunnels in search of precious gems. They filled in the work rotas with the unicorns and the earth ponies capable of using picks, their specialised horseshoes having been confiscated. The tunnel they had been digging currently produced only slivers of gems but that was enough for Rex to put them on permanent mining duty for this sector. Apparently, he was desperate for any sign of a potential vein of gems which, to Handy’s bewilderment, came out of the walls freshly cut and polished. It made them easier to find for sure, but it was still ridiculous.
“Look, I made an… error in judgement,” he said, teeth gritted.
“Oh and then some!” Handy said. Grunting with effort, his stomach rumbled. They were barely fed as it was. “There better be a Goddamn mountain of bits ready for us if this scheme of yours works,” Handy said, referring to Joachim’s latest genius idea to escape. Apparently, he thought it up on their first day in bondage, but it had taken him all week to get Handy to the point where he would actually listen to him.
“Look, just follow it exactly and we’ll be fine. You know Happy Hour right?” Joachim asked, referring to the eternally depressed-looking pegasus pony who had no business being this far beneath the ground.
“What about her?” Handy asked.
“All I need you to do is start a fight with her at dinner,” Joachim said simply. Handy almost dropped his pick.
“Wait, what? I know the plan called for a distraction but why her?” Handy asked incredulously, picking up his axe and going back to work to avoid suspicion.
“Keep it down! And why not her?” Joachim asked. “She’s popular with the others, and everypony feels sorry for her. If they see you picking on her, they’ll jump right in, and we’ll have a riot to distract the dogs with.”
“Not that I am simply THRILLED at the prospect of willingly throwing myself in the way of miner-pony hooves thrown in anger, but I don’t hit women… mares… females! Whatever, I am not doing it.”
“I just don’t get what you have against it. I mean, it’s not right to attack anypony anyway, but I just don’t get why the gender mat—”
“It’s a human thing. Look, pick someone else.” Handy clicked his teeth as he worked, thinking hard. “How about Welcome’s son?” Handy asked, referring to the dark blue unicorn with the fireplace cutie mark. Warm Night had been doing the rounds of the prisoner pens, keeping everyone’s spirits up. He had a comforting demeanour and a strong voice that reassured many of the weaker-willed slaves. He had made his way over to the two of them once or twice. Turned out he greatly regretted not seeing his dad more often, especially after Handy had told him that Welcome thought he had just left town altogether.
He had given up on chasing after the magical gem. Turned out the miners hadn’t found it yet. Some smart pony in town hall decided to let it slip that they had to try to further entice adventurous types to evict the diamond dogs so they could get right back to making bits. And Joachim and Handy were the only two foolish enough to bother showing up. He had given up himself long ago and was merely working there because the bits were good.
He was a good guy, and all things considered, well liked.
“Yeah, he’ll do,” Joachim said. “But the others won’t react as fast if you pick a fight with him, and the dogs might break it up before you can get it going.” Handy’s brow furrowed.
“I’ll think of something," he said, swinging his pick at the wall.
--=--
A blow horn was sounded. Quitting time. The prisoners made their way to the large round chamber at the heart of the network of tunnels that made up the mine’s structure. Including Joachim and Handy, there were fifteen of them. Joachim made a show of giving a quick screech at Handy and moving off to another table with his tray of gruel held in his mouth.
Handy scowled at the griffon and moved to a table on the far side of the room. He looked down at the tray of gruel before him as his stomach growled. Not caring about the taste, he shovelled it into him. One way or another, he was going to need what little energy the horrible crap would give him. Looking around, only two other ponies sat at the table. He knew their names, but he was too tired to recall them right now. ‘Sides, no one here was going to waste energy on talking.
Well, almost no one.
“—It’ll be alright, you’ll see.”
Ah, target sighted.
“I haven’t seen my daughter in two weeks!” a slightly panicking voice said. It was the green mare with the yellow mane. Sunshine something or other. “Wh-What if she’s hurt or afraid? Surf Jumper isn’t due back in from the sea until the start of the festival; she’s all alone!”
“Hey hey hey, calm down. You’ll do her no good by worrying in here. You need to stay strong until we can get out of here. Alright?”
“I… Th-Thanks… thank you, Night.”
“Now, if you ever want to talk, you can always come to me, you hear? Now eat, keep your strength up.”
‘How terribly noble,’ Handy thought derisively. ‘Feh, if he was that considerate, he wouldn’t be here in the first place given how worried his father became over his obsession.’ Handy shoved the last bit of gruel into his mouth with his hand and looked around to the guards. He saw three of the dogs in armour growling among themselves and throwing dice in a cup over a pitiful pile of gems. One of them clearly did not enjoy losing and punched another in the face. Rex, tall bastard that he was, materialised behind them and immediately shoved the two apart. Usually when he saw fractious behaviour in the dogs, Rex would quickly squash it, and the dogs would whimper to avoid the wrath of the pack leader. But this time, a few growled and said something to Rex in an angry tone. Discontent in the ranks?
Handy’s mind went to work. He lifted his tray and took it over to the bin that would be washed as soon as the last pony finished eating, who was usually the one who got left with the duty. He glanced over at Joachim’s position. His wings had been tied by the dogs, much like Happy Hour’s had been, but he was subtly looking over his shoulders, keeping an eye on Handy and Warm Night, as well as the doors. Handy glanced back at Rex, who was busy shouting down a group of dogs. He couldn’t fight them, and while not the brightest, the dogs wouldn’t trust him long enough for a trick he could think up to work, so time to offer them something they might actually want.
“Excuse me, boss,” Handy said, approaching the group of dogs. The four of them turned around, and Rex growled.
“What do you want, baldy?” Rex asked, “You’re finished eating, so wait for the others and then go back to your pen.” He had an evil grin on his face. “Unless you want to do more work?”
Handy held his gaze with the dog, which was a pretty unwise thing to do with a dog if said dog happened to be looking down on you. It was true in his world, and it was a bad thing, therefore it must be true in this world. Rex growled and grabbed Handy by the collar. Yep, bad thing here too. Excellent.
“Speak up!” he growled, spittle splashing into his face.
“I want to make you a deal,” Handy said. Eyes around the canteen were glancing their way, but the ponies quickly turned away once Rex cast a baleful stare over their heads.
“This I have got to hear. What could you offer me?”
“Something I know you and the other dogs want. In return, I get what I want.”
“Oh, and what could you want that I would actually allow you to have?” Rex growled, his green eyes almost glowing in the torchlight.
“Release. You see that unicorn over there? Dark blue, has a fire on his arse?” Handy asked, not pointing. Rex looked over.
“I see him.”
“I want you to let me kick his flank into next week,” Handy said. Rex looked down at him, eyes wide before roaring with cruel laughter.
“And why should I let you do that?” he asked, putting Handy back on the ground. He inwardly sighed with relief once both of his feet touched the ground once more. Rex placed his paws on his hips, awaiting Handy’s answer, the three dogs behind him snickering.
“Because I’ve been seeing you and your dogs aren’t terribly happy. You’re aggressive and bored. Hell, weren’t you lot shouting at each other before I came over?”
“Yeah,” one of the dogs spoke up. “We ain’t found no diamonds yet.” Rex growled at that, and the dog shut up but didn’t look away from Rex’s stare.
“Also, that unicorn prick has been chirpier than a songbird since I got here, and it’s really beginning to get at my nerves. I am offering you what you don’t often get down here,” Handy said.
“And what’s that?” Rex asked.
“Entertainment,” Handy said simply with more confidence than he honestly felt. “I bet you I could kick that unicorn’s flank in under three minutes,” Handy said, jabbing the palm of his left hand with his right index finger for emphasis. The dogs murmured to themselves but Rex looked upwards, rubbing his chin. He glanced about the room, then down to the bits his dogs had been gambling over, and smiled a vicious smile.
--=--
“Hey,” Warm Night said, his warm baritone heralding his approach as he trotted over to the corner Happy Hour sat at. The yellow pegasus with the blue and white two-toned mane perked up immediately as she glanced around at him.
“Night! Hi!” she said happily, her eyes lighting up.
“Just checking up on you. How’ve you been?” Night asked, smiling warmly.
“Oh, uh, just… you know, still going,” she said, giving Night a very unbelievable confident smile. Night frowned at that.
“Hey, Happy, listen…” Night said, a serious look on his face as he glanced around.
“Y-Yeah?” Happy said, rubbing a shoulder with one hoof as she sat on her stool, not meeting his eyes.
“I know it’s been rough for you, but we’ll make it. We’ll get out of this,” he said. Happy smiled ruefully. She believed him, but she had heard this before.
“I-I know we will, but it’s just...” She let out a breath through her nostrils. It was a defeated gesture. “I want to believe you, but the only help that came is now stuck down here with us. What… What if we don’t make it out of here?” she asked, finally looking him in the eyes, her own watering. It was clear she was on the verge of despair.
Night looked in those eyes for one second and knew that he would need to offer her more than just the usual reassurances. He looked down for a moment before placing his hoof on hers. Happy Hour looked down, her eyes widening a bit. “Wh-Wha—”
“Happy, listen to me. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I will make sure you’ll see the sky again. I swear to you.” Happy just stared into his eyes, not sure what to say. She realised her mouth was hanging open and that ponies were staring. She blushed furiously.
“I-I… Night.”
“You can count on me,” Night said, smiling softly. The room was quiet.
A cold, low cackle cracked through the silence. Heads turned to the source of the sound. Handy sat at his table, wiping his hands on a dirty cloth.
“Count on you? Does any one of you believe this?” Handy asked. Slowly and deliberately, he rose from his seated position and sighed. He tossed the rag over his shoulder. “You know, Night, I’m getting really tired of your shit.” Warm Night turned to look at Handy as he walked to the centre of the aisle between the tables that seated the prisoners.
“Handy?” he said incredulously. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your lies and empty promises,” Handy said. In a perfect world, the target would be in on the plan as well, but Joachim and he had both agreed it needed to look realistic, especially considering Handy’s latest improvisation of having the guards let him have his fight for their own entertainment. Glancing back, he saw Rex holding a bag open as the guards made bets. “Count on you? Really? You are the least reliable person here,” he challenged. Warm Night snorted in indignation as he trotted away from the table.
“Wait, Night,” Happy said, a worried look on her face.
“Just wait, I need to go talk to the new guy for a minute,” he said. He looked back at Handy. “Okay, Handy, I know it’s been rough down here on you. It’s been rough on all of us, but there’s no need—“
“Oh, there’s need alright,” Handy said, making a show of flexing his fingers into fists as he laughed darkly. “We are God only knows how far beneath ground, digging away for the dogs. We all have good reason to be here,” Handy said, waving to the other ponies. “Some of us are here because this is what they are best at, and it’s what they love. Others are here to support their families. Me? I’m a wandering vagabond looking for a quick bit; I make no secret of it. You, however, you are a liar and a scoundrel.”
“Scoundrel!?” Warm Night said incredulously.
“Yes, scoundrel. You know when you were walking about, checking up on everyone to try to cheer them up, did you happen to mention why you were here at all?” Handy said, breathing heavier and looking increasingly furious. “Any of you ponies care to take a guess?”
“That’s enough!” Warm Night said. “If you have a problem with me, we can sort it out in pri—”
“Ohohoho, no we can’t, good sir! We’re having this out now. Right. Now,” he said through gritted teeth, standing at his full height as he took a few more threatening steps to Warm Night. “Do you know what your obsession did to your father, Night? Hmm? Do you know what it cost him? Have you seen the state of his inn recently? What did you say to him I wonder, what did you say to him to make him think, that when diamond dogs take over the mine his son works at, the first thought is not that his son might be in trouble, but that you left him and skipped town for another job?” Handy smashed a fist down at a table, causing several ponies to jump and yelp.
It had the desired effect. Warm Night’s face was drawn, a devastated look haunting his eyes.
“Ah, only now you’re considering it, huh? All these years chasing a legend, and you forgot about those closest to you?” Handy threw his head back in dark laughter. Everypony was now focused on the exchange. Whispers were passing back and forth, and the dogs were focusing eagerly on the spectacle.
Joachim had disappeared.
“And you dare… You dare come around giving us reassurances and promises when all you care about is your own selfish ambitions. I call you coward and liar!”
“I DO NOT LIE!!”
Handy stopped. That was quite a shout. Warm Night was breathing quite heavily now, cold fury in his eyes as tears rolled down his face.
“I do not lie. I have never lied in my life. Not to anyone,” he swore, staring daggers at Handy and pawing at the ground in agitation. Perhaps he had pushed him too far? “I swore to my mother. I swore to her on her deathbed I’d get the stone. I’d wish her to be better… I’d make everything better for dad and her. I’d make sure they’d never need to worry about anything ever again,” he confessed. “That’s why I am here. That’s why I stayed here, all these years, after dad told me to give up the foal’s errand. I… I admit I may have lost sight of what really matters,” he said, looking down at the ground as he closed his eyes. “But that does not give you any right to come here and shatter our hopes when I am trying to keep everypony strong! I promised everypony we’d get out, that we’d see our loved ones again. I promised you all that everything will be okay, and I swear that I will see it through,” he said, glancing back at Happy Hour who was staring at him with hooves over her mouth. “No matter what.”
That should be enough build up. Time to open up the second act.
Handy grasped one pony’s tray, ignoring an indignant ‘Hey!’ as he swung it around, crashing into Warm Night’s head as he turned back to face Handy. The blow was hard enough to crack the tray in two and sent the pony reeling, stumbling over his legs. Audible gasps rose from the crowd not quite sure they saw what occurred.
“Like I said before,” Handy said, growling, “I am. Really. Sick. Of your shit.” He dropped the useless tray. The gruel that had been sitting upon it spread across the room in an arc, splattering across cold stone, wood, and pony alike. When his eyes stopped rolling in his head, Warm Night snorted, his eyes becoming pinpricks as fury overtook rational thought, and he charged at Handy, catching him in the chest and knocking him onto one of the tables, causing the ponies to scatter. The dogs howled in approval as chains rattled. Warm Night raised his hooves and decked the human repeatedly in the chest and head. Handy held up his arms to protect himself as best he could.
Warm Night’s horn lit up as he grasped another pony’s tray with his magic and raised it, preparing to drive its side home on Handy’s head. ‘That’s quite enough of that,’ Handy thought. He manoeuvred and got his legs underneath the pony and began kicking furiously, driving Warm Night off of him, but not before his magic swung the tray around and clocked the human on the head, driving him from his feet and knocking another pony over. Handy grabbed the legs of a stool and rose to his feet, giving a guttural roar as he held the stool overhead, preparing to strike down on the pony. That was when a brown blur crashed into his side as an earth pony intervened to prevent him from caving in Warm’s skull.
“Stop this, you mad bas—”
Now at this point, the earth pony had crashed into Handy just after Handy was in the process of swinging the stool, thus only having negligible damage inflicted upon said object’s momentum, only managing to change its direction instead. The stool flew over the ponies’ heads and crashed into the face of some poor unfortunate unicorn who hadn't the sense to duck in time. Said unicorn’s friend was furious and shouted at the earth pony, who was currently pummelling the human, and jumped up on the table to join the fray.
The dogs were loving the show. Even Rex was howling.
That was until he noticed more ponies were joining in. His little deal with the human had turned from quick diversion from the doldrums to a full scale riot. He smacked the back of the heads of his dogs and barked to get their attention, gesticulating wildly at the growing mass of violence and fur. The dogs hurriedly jumped into the mass of swinging and bucking hooves, rattling chains and swinging trays making an even larger chaotic mess as they struggled to regain control. Handy, meanwhile, was desperately dodging swinging hooves himself. An earth pony had clocked him in the face, and he knew he was going to be left with a black eye. He was pretty sure his leg, which at the start of the week had merely been sprained, was now properly broken. Wood splintered, ponies whinnied in fear and anger, and dogs barked. He ducked under a table to catch his breath as he observed the chaos emerging around him.
“Joachim, you fucking owe me…” he hissed. “I hope this works.”
--=--
“C’mon, c’mon!” Joachim said through gritted teeth. He had managed to sneak out of the canteen as Handy started his little performance. He had dodged a pair of dogs that rushed down the hallway as the sounds of fighting became quite hard to ignore.
He had managed to break into Rex’s room, which was the former mine forepony’s office. Within it, ignoring the bags of precious gems the dog had been hoarding for himself, he found a set of keys within a rather ragged and clawed-looking desk. He hurriedly tried each one on the chain holding his wings down.
‘Click’
“YES!” Joachim shouted in triumph before clasping a claw over his beak. He quickly poked his head out the door.
‘No one’s around. Good.’ He went back to work and looked at the mine layout Rex had on the desk. There was the canteen, there was the holding pen, that was this office, that was… a blue squiggly line… “The Tartarus?” Joachim said, squinting. “Oh wait, that’s the tunnel me and Handy were digging. Huh.” And there was the room controlling the dog’s iron door that blocked the exit. Joachim nodded with satisfaction. Rolling the map up and stuffing it under his wing, he made his exit and rushed towards the control room.
He skidded to a stop, hearing a strong, rumbling noise.
Backing up, he opened a large door that had been left ajar, entering one of the newer tunnels and gazing upon the haphazard monstrosity of moving parts and metal that was the diamond dogs’ drilling machine that they had, conveniently, left turned on.
Joachim smiled.