Chapter One
April 13th 2012
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."-Jack Kerouac
I wake up surrounded by various clothes and junk that, to be frank, I refuse describe in any clear detail. The dirty eggshell white ceiling of the room greets me. I roll out of bed, over a few of my books and other paraphernalia, and rub the sleep from my eyes. I consider just going back to bed for a few more hours.
~Go ahead, crawl back into the bed, its not like you are going do anything today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or ever for that matter.~
The little voice in my head gives me my.
I sigh despondently.
Three months after I had stopped going to school I had begun to start talking to myself. From there on it was a steady decline into my current lifestyle, that of a recluse, shunning society in favor of the soul numbing escape from reality that is the internet.
Then came the self-narration, which I rather believe is rock bottom in these circumstances.
Sure my dad dislikes the fact that I never get out anymore, but he doesn't really do anything about it aside from having a few stern words with me in hopes that I will snap out of this rut of mine. Which I highly doubt of course
I know that I may have fudged up my life something fierce, but with each passing day I find it harder and harder to give a damn. Even my sweet succor, the computer makes me feel like I am going through the motions as I click the Stumble-upon button and navigate about the web like a nomadic Welshman. It's not my computer mind you, my dad commandeered that one for his own disgusting purposes.
Now that I have summarized my life so far, I'm going to act like a ferret.
"Oink." I don't know what ferrets sound like.
Sometimes I daydream. Okay, I daydream most of the time. It's one of my other escape routes from reality, escape from the daily humdru-
"Sweet spleens and sausages!" Gah! Lego blocks are the work of Satan! I am going to clean this room.
~No you aren't.~
Shut up I will to! Wait, what was I thinking about? Something about Sea Otters? I don't really care enough to try to remember.
I lurch forward to the computer in the odd little gait I have assumed to travel my meager living quarters. Which consists of me lightly maneuvering my legs as hard as I can as I traverse the minefield that is the bedroom. I tumble into the chair and stare at the screen, unsure of what to do next. Shall I check Cracked.com? Maybe read some web comics?
~Does your brain have sponsors or something?~
I shake my head as my foot starts to throb.
It has been a 3 hours and I am so bored, and my foot still hurts.
~And you are still self-narrating. Stop it.~
Glancing at the time on the computer I see that it is around 11:30 Am. I get out of the chair to pace around a bit, hoping to walk the pain off. Doesn't work, but that doesn't stop me. I pretend I am ferret scurrying about the room, which keeps me entertained for a few more minutes.
This room feels unbearably stuffy. I'd open the window if I wasn't so sure that it would break from the slight. Opening the door instead, I walk out into the living room. The small table where the TV once sat is completely bare. I sold it too pay for video games. I pace around some more as I decide what to do next.
I Could just go back to the computer, or make myself a sandwich perhaps? Learn to speak backwards in German?
Any suggestions, me?
~Go back to the computer. It beckons you.~
Who am I to argue with the voice in my head? Back to the computer it is.
*Click*
Please don't tell me that was the power. Please don't.
~Ha ha hahaha, it was the power. You dad didn't pay the bill again. You have no one you can rely on. Especially yourself. Now crawl back to bed and assume the position.
Alright then I... You know what? No, I'm not going to go straight to bed. I am going to do something today. I'm going to go outside!
~You must be ill, no good can come of this. Go to bed.~
What do you know? Nothing that I don't, so shut up.
~See? You're breaking narration!
And that's a bad thing? Now, let me see. That fedora is only partly sticky, those pants only have a few holes, and this shirt still fits. My shoes should be around here some- Oh my god!
Bacon! Hello sexy delicious, have you met Mr.fridge yet? I'm sure you will be the best of friends. Oh, there's my shoes, but why are they in the kitchen sink? Whatever, they'll do.
Before I go out I check myself out in the mirror.
~Ah, that's more like it.~
My unbrushed, brown hair is a mess, I don't smell that good, and my current disposition makes me look and feel like a hooligan. I couldn't care less. I open the door that I have been ignoring for weeks now, and step through.
I squint my eyes. I'm barely able to see in the sunlight, having spent so long with flickering florescent lighting. Stumbling down the street, I do my best not to scowl. I brush my hand along one of the many murals that were to be found on this side of the downtown art district.
There are many perks to living in an art district. Scenic views, well-cleaned streets, and of course, cozy cafes' within walking distance. Cozy cafes' with internet, I think with a smile.
~You should really stop self-narrating. It's weird.~
I would if I could, but I can't, so I shan't.
I stop in front of the pair of giant, copper giraffe statues, my favorite decorations on this block. I crane my head to follow the network of welded seams that lead up the neck of the first giraffe.
*Flash!*
The sky is pink. Why is the sky pink? I'm sure it's not supposed to be pink.
~The end is nigh! The end is nigh! Quick! Go lick the giraffe!~
Now I can smell fudge. Why am I smelling fudge? Am I having a stroke? I'm having a stroke!
~ You should have licked the giraffe while you had the chance. Enjoy being a vegetable.~
...
Nothing else is happening. I don't appear to be convulsing... I could be hallucinating, but since this street is deserted I have no one to confer with about this. I'm sure I can rationalize this. The sky is pink because... aliens! Good enough for me, but what about the fudge? I am going to find this fudge!
~No you won't nutcase. There isn't any fudge to find.~
You could say that my interest is piqued, but that would be an -flash- understatement. I was consumed with the obsession of finding that treasure trove of aromatic -flash- fudge!
~It is probably going to be poisoned... Why would you even eat fudge that you just "Found"? ~
Damn that little voice, it's always against me! I'll show it! Errr... Me! -flash-
I follow the smell back up the street, each step a reminder of my foolish waste of energy. -*flash*- Why did I rush down street like that? Stupid stupid stupid!~stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid ect. ect. ect.~
Walking toward the statues expecting fudge, I let out a loud -flash- gasp of disappointment, for I saw no fudge! Nothing but... some dude planking on the left-most statue? ~He dare plank on sweet, dear Mangolia?? Stab that motherfucker!~
What the hell is wrong with me?
I am Intrigued, so I wait for him to slide off the statue. You never know, he might just be keeping a plate of fudge in that coat of his.
~ Oh, and he might have the cure to cancer in his sock! What a delusional twat~
If he doesn't have any fudge, then -flash- that's the weirdest case of B.O. I have ever smelled!
~ Is he even awake? Holy shit! He is not even conscious! Steal that sweet-ass coat of his!!~
But he's like a foot taller then me. Damn! And that coats not -*flash*- even a coat! Its like... some kind of hybrid abomination of evening wear and party duds.
~ Does that make it any less cool? He looks like a pretty old dude, I'm sure that even you could manage to overpower him.~
I am not going to rob an old dude! That's something I just won't do, Me!
~That's what you thought when you refused to punt that cat over that fence! Pussy!~
That was a kitten!-*flash*- fuck you, me! I'm going to wake this dude up, just to spite you.
I stare -flash- at this complete stranger. A stranger that, although smelling like the best fudge ever made, will probably stab me for waking him up from his weird sleeping spot.
Meh, I've made worse decisions.
Three flashes later I give out a strangled cough, and tip toe to the statue. I manage to get a closer look at his crazy ensemble. Is that a bath robe? High heels and an old fashioned boot. A Fingerless glove paired with an old timey driving glove. I can't find a single thing that matches on this dude!
Am I shaking? Why the hell am I shaking?! Oh cheese nuts I touched him! Oh damn, damn, damn! He is moving. He's moving! He is going to reach out and stab me!
-flash-
Or he could just fall off the statue. Okay, now he's moaning and he does sound pretty old, but not grand pappy old. More like a grizzled sensei I guess. I don't want that sweet ass coat anymore now if it means fucking with this guy.
~Pansy~
" Um, are you okay dude?" I wince at the sound of my voice. It sounded like a hung chicken foot scraping across the ground. Then I realize that this is the first conversation that I have initiated, by myself, with a complete stranger, for the first time since I have left school. FUCK! I can feel my throat clench shut -*flash*- like the anus of a fat prisoner who dropped the soap.
~That's strangely specific isn't it?~
Shut up, he's grumbling something!
"Confound these ponies, they drive me to such... Chaos!" He muttered, giving -*flash*- a low chuckle as he lays almost motionless. His eyes are still closed for some reason. I cough loudly. He rouses further out of his stupor. I lean closer to get a better look at his face...
~Alright here are some Pros and cons about this dude: He doesn't have any visible prison tats, so you got that going for you. He is too well groomed for a hobo, and smells like fudge to boot. The only things wrong with him are the fact that nothing he wears matches, and his coat is a patchwork of crazy fabrics.~
Yep, totally legit. I prod him with my sneaker. -flash- Shit his eyes are open now! And he looks... surprised? Why does he look like I just gave him a present? I back-track nearly tripping over a random granite statue. Where the hell did that statue come from?
"Ummm.... Hi?" I say awkwardly. ~Quick! Assert your dominance in this conversation! Fuck that giraffe!~ He is ignoring me, what the hell is up with this guy?
He begins to get up, but when he sat his eyes upon his clothes, he gave a small frown. Still ignoring me he pats his chest and looks at his hand with a mixture of disdain and intrigue, as if they weren't his own. ~Oh hell he's an alien. Or you are just reading way to much into this shit! Do you want to repeat that balloon boy incident?~
-*flash*-
"This won't do, no no no, this won't do at all," He said in a nonchalant yet unamused tone as he shakes his head. Staring into the pink sky, he lifts his arm and snaps his fingers. Oh-Fuck-a... lemon? For some reason that snap terrified me! ~ Maybe because your a sniveling coward? Yea, that just might be it.{~
-Flash-
What the snap did to me was nothing compared to what it did to the strange man. I could actually see the blood draining from his face. He sits up, staring at his now shaking hands. -*flash*- He began to snap his fingers furiously, snap snap snap! Each snap affected me less and less, but affected him more and more, until he had a full blown scowl across his face. Oh snap! He's a looney! ~Maybe he is just practicing for a role in Westside Story! Doesn't he just scream Jet? You should totally ask him about it!~
He stares at the -flash- sky. Is that smoke coming out of his ears? No, that is ridiculous, I am being stupid, but yes, he looks mighty pissed off for some reason. Perhaps if I just. stand. Completely. Still. Wait! It looks like he sto- Oh shit he's looking at me. Did he just notice me? I would have been irritated if I wasn't about to piss myself in terror.
"Well hello there... little... thing?" He said, giving me a look that looked like a mixture of gleeful interest and cold calculation. ~ And this is the part where I leave you to your horrific fate~ He is starting to get to his feet.
"I, um, er, uh" I stammer. What does one say in this kind of situation?-flash- He wobbles on his feet, taking an uncertain step in my direction.
"So what exactly -flash- are you?" said the weirdo calmly, as if we were having an interview or something instead of having this creepy ass encounter between two giraffes while the sky goes bat shit crazy above us. He takes another step... It looks like he is getting the hang of walking. The outcome of this conversation is starting to look bleak.
"I, er, Uh..." Strike two,-Flash- I begin to sweat bullets. He closes the gap between us with a few strange, lunging steps. He grabs my shoulder. By now I am beyond panicking, my eye starts to twitch.
"Whats wrong little thing? Manticore got your tongue?" he asked -flash- cheerfully, sounding curious as he tilted his head, but he was still looking at me with those hungry mismatched eyes. The smell of fudge intensified.-flash- How can someone that smells so delicious be so damn creepy? "Oh come now, Its not like I am going to bite you!" He exclaimed, but then he leaned his face closer to mine, flashing me the sharpest snaggle tooth I have ever seen. "Then again, I just might!" he says, laughing as he wrenchs my shoulder, sending me spinning toward the other giraffe. Colliding with it knocks the wind out of me.
He manages to close the distance between us before I could respond. For someone who could barely stand up awhile ago, he was a pretty freaking agile! "Ha! First encounters can be such fun! Wouldn't you agree?" He guffaws, and something just clicks in my head. Do I know this guy?! He feels so familiar.
"What's your name?" I ask, quite proud that I manage to form a coherent sentence. Looks like he was slightly taken aback by my question. Well... Not the question itself, but the fact that I managed to talk at all I guess.
"So it speaks, Amazing! Here I thought I was in the land of 'Duuuuuh'." Although they way he said it was admittedly hilarious, I couldn't help but be insulted.
"So dude, could you please tell me your name?" I asked again. All this weird shit has officially sucked all the fucks out of me. All of them!
"Well my little... 'dew-ed', I go by many names" he said as he began to walk in that strange lope of his around me, rattling off a list of terms that seemed to fit him to a 'T'. "Oh, I have been called a tyrant, a monster, a freak of nature, an abomination, a big meanie. You however-" I hear him -snap- his fingers behind me, causing me to flinch. I feel him grasp the back of my shoulders as he craned his head over mine until his face was just inches away from mine. I could smell his breath. It smells like... chocolate milk?? Oh balls.
"...can call me Discord!" He hisses through his smile, and then starts to laugh, laughing as if he had won a game ,or more likely, brought Frankenstein to life. The sky flashes back to its regular, dull pale blue for the last time. The smell of fudge vanishes from the air. And worst of all? ~What? No flash of lightning as he laughs? I certainly feel gypped!~
Laughing nervously, I say,"What", dumbly, as I smacked his hands away from my shoulders and turned to look at him smiling at me.
"I suppose that 'dew-eds' wouldn't know about the spirit of chaos would they?" he said in good humor.
"Humans." I say correcting him, realizing that he might actually be the spirit of chaos, humanized. ~He is just a crazy fucking hobo that passed out on a giraffe statue!~
"Hmm?" He tilts his head quizzically, his smile lessened.
"We are humans." I say in a deadpan voice, adding,"So, uhhh... I take it that you are the cause of the freaky pink flashes?" ~Oh, so your going to try to out crazy this hobo then? That is certainly a valid tactic!~
"You mean that flashing pink sky isn't natural?" I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not."Then this world is more boring then I thought. To answer your question, I suppose I am responsible for the flashing sky, and that fudge smell as well."
"Wait, So you smelt the fudge too", I gasp," So I'm not going crazy?" The foreign feeling of hope growing inside me.
"Perhaps you are, maybe you aren't.." Discord says as his eyes look up in thought, then he narrowed them at me, flashing another creepy smile." Who's to say your not?"
A wave of realization washes over me as my mind begins to rationalize this. This explains the flashing pink skies, the fudge, this hobo Discord... hell, it even explains my idiotic obsession with mangoes! ~ Nothing explains that and you know it.~ Everything makes so much sense now! It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The realist in me popped up and pointed out that my foot still hurt like the dickens, the buzz killer that it was. No problem then, I must be having really, really, really vivid hallucinations, most likely caused by internet withdrawal. I think I may have just a tiny addiction to it. ~They'll have to pry Miss Izzy from our cold, dead, atrophied fingers!~ Discord looks like he is taking great pleasure in my internal struggle in comprehending what is real and what isn't. Figment of my imagination or not, its time to knock him down a peg.
~ It is a manifestation of a part of your psyche, so technically you would be putting yourself down a notch wouldn't you?~
Arrrgghh! Go fuck mysel- errr... fuck.
Filled with the new found confidence gained from the knowledge that I was talking to a hallucination I say,"I haven't told you my name haven't I? It is Colonel Pimp Daddy Z. Ramses Akbar..." Discord snorts in frustration, probably dissatisfied that I adjusted to his little mindfuck so quickly. I poked him in the chest. "But you can call me Ashton." ~ Instant suave, just add crazy!~
I just realize something else... Have I been standing between two life-sized giraffe statues, basically talking to myself, for a good 30 minutes now? An intense heat forms on my face.Yep, I have been outside long enough for today. I see Discord straddling the copper giraffe. Make that for a week or two.
"How about we have a chat at my place?" I ask, trying to hide my silent pleading under the guise of nonchalance. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, possibly at the prospect that he is being invited by someone of their own free will perhaps?
His face shifts to mock horror as he says," I need an... Adult?"
"Well technically I am an adult" I say, biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing as I yank him off the statue and start jogging back to the apartment, sure that he can keep up.
Surprisingly, the walk was quiet. Discord seems to just be taking it all in, the new sights, sounds, and smells with a strange look on his face. It reminds me of the first time I adopted a cat, how it felt that it automatically owned all that it surveyed.
We reach the adobe apartments, and the alcove that led to the stairs leading up the shoebox that is my apartment. I swung wide the doors, knocking over the metal coat rack, which fell on the glass table, causing a crack as long as my arm to streak across its top.
Cursing the furniture gods, I grab a pile of clothes to cover the damage. I look back out the door to see that Discord wasn't trailing behind me. I sigh sadly as I turn to the empty roo- oh god he's on the table. The table was much to small to being laying so straight on. Well, That sorta reinforces the whole hallucination thing doesn't it? ~ No, You are just oblivious to most things. Like how much I truly loathe you.~
He looks at me with a sly smile. "Well, well, well 'Ashton', this place is pretty cramped, but the decor?" He gestured at all the junk that covered the floor. "Exquisite!" The table starts wobbling, but only for a second.
"Mmmhmm..." I nod as I walked to the kitchen, taking pains not to step on the slightly moist parts of the carpet. Dad has a tendency of ignoring ice cubes that find their way to the floor. I opened the fridge and pawed about in the darkness until my hand wraps around a can of coke. Sweet, delicious, sugary coke. I come out of the kitchen smiling, sipping from the can, since I am to lazy to rummage around the kitchen in the dark for a glass.
He is still laying on the table, but now he is reading a book, one of my own. It is one of the many manga that I own, a One Piece, and he was reading it the right way. Probably unintentionally for the most part. Realization dawns on his face, he wrinkles his nose in disgust as he tosses the book into a random pile. He turns to look at me.
I stare back at him. He stares at me. Then he broke the silence with a droning, "Well?"
"So how did you manage to get out of that stone prison a second time Discord?" I blurt out. Discords eyes widen in surprise. He fell from the small table with a thud. He looked up at me with a frazzled expression that lasted approximately three second before he pulls himself together and continued grinning, looking at me with renewed interest.
"You know more about me then I thought! How much do you know, I wonder..."
"Enough to know that the next couple of days are going to be interesting for me, to say the least." I murmur. "So tell, me, how did you get out this time? Did some fillies have quarrel? Because that would be plumb retarded of Celestia to put you back in the garden."
"Celestia isn't stupid Ashton, she had my statue placed in the lowest dungeon, in the deepest part of the Everfree forest, hidden behind not one, not two, but 47 false walls, which could only have been revealed when the 42 golden levers were switched on and the four headed statue of Armok was toppled." He said with a serious tone that was completely out of character for him. He stared at me with a serious expression, and then he burst into a fit of raucous laughter that scared the shit out of me! "Haha, no... She just placed me back on the same pedestal, in the same position, facing the same way for what she thought would be the next thousand years. What the spoil sport didn't take into account was The Unaligning."
"What, pray tell is "The Unaligning"?" I ask, encouraging him to spill the beans further.
Discord tsks, shaking his head before saying," But you know so much about me, and I know almost nothing about you!" He smirks. "Care to tell me a bit about yourself?"
I stare at him long and hard. I roll my eyes, saying," Well, let me get comfortable." I strip down to my underwear. He is generally unfazed by my disrobing. Thank the lord that he is only a hallucination. ~Its going to be so awesome when you finally realize that he is real, and actually a hobo who followed you home. It. Will. Be. Just. So. Amazing.~ "Well, I am one out of around... seven billion people." I gauge Discords reaction. He is freaking salivating.
"Think of all the chaos..." He whispers to himself in awe.
"Okay...." I say, not just a little weirded out. This hallucination didn't reflect well on my psyche, not well at all..." I have recently left school an-"
"BOOOORRRINGG!" Moans the figment of my imagination, dramatically face-palming as he slouches in leather chair to my left. "Fine..." He sighed," Since you are obviously an egghead of the highest caliber, I should probably get the story of how I got here out, least you lecture me to death before I can!"
"...And that's how Equestria was unmade!" He gasps for air, finally finishing his story.
I slurp my fifth coke as I process this exposition story. I hadn't paid a lick of attention to most of it. The few parts that I didn't tune out sounded like some kind of half-baked excuse for a fan fic revolving discord. When he had finished his definition of what "The Unaligning", which was basically the complete opposite of the stars aligning to awaken an elder god, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It gave Discord some kind of huge power boost, and being the spirit of chaos that he is it makes sense. That was when he had went into excruciating detail describing the "Fun" he had with all the inhabitants of Equestria.
Then he had finally encountered the mane si- er, "The Elements of Harmony", and, surprisingly, the two alicorn princesses. It seemed that this time they were going to put a stop to him... permanently. He had decided that he had enough of equestria and had used the rest of the magic gained from "The Unaligning" to cause a change of scenery for not just him, but every citizen, creature, denizen, and monster in Equestria. That's what he had said at least, but I wouldn't put it past him that this was some stupid mistake he made.
It was at this time I realized that my mind must have manifested a fanfiction for me to take part in. Maybe if I just ignore it, it will just go away eventually, maybe in a week or two. ~Oh Ashton, you are so deep in denial that its adorable!~
Discord looks expectantly at me. What the hell does he want now? Hasn't he pestered me long enough? I suppose I should keep him talking or something... I ask," So are there going to be other humanized equestrians on earth, or are you the only one here?"
He strokes his beard in thought before saying, "Maybe yes, perhaps not, after all, the magic I used was quite chaotic, extremely unpredictable you see, a good chunk of equestria may have came with me here, and spread across the globe, having a variety of... effects on my Passengers." He finishes, smiling wickedly. What a vague prick!
I sighed, taking his bait by saying," What do you mean by different effects?"
He smiles," Well at best they are going to wake up extremely nauseous. At worst however..." He starts waving his hand in a circle."They will wind up naked in a ditch somewhere, their heads frazzled by their journey. Take from that what you will." He pauses." You know what? I am quite certain I am not the only one from Equestria here!" My ears twitch with interest. "Yes, That granite statue looked eerily familiar didn't it?" He said to himself, smiling. That was Tom??? I caught myself falling for this figment's mind games. He is good! "So Ashton, what exactly do you do?" he asks plainly, probably expecting another dull answer from me.
I look him straight in the eyes. He flinches at the sudden stare before returning my gaze in full. You could cut the tension with a knife. I say to him solemnly," I am... A Wizard!" Flinging my arms in the air as a sudden flash of light appeared from behind me. Discord yelps and tumbles out of the chair temporarily cowed in fear. For all intents and purposes I had predicted the exact time that the power would be turned back on because I was an actual wizard. Not because I was sad and petty enough to calculate the exact time that it would be switched on again, and use that to my advantage to impress someone who wasn't even real. Nope, that is not me at all. Not even close!
I heard the thumping of feet stomping up the stairs, It was most likely dad, but I was nervous none the less. Discord, cowering behind the chair, shifted his gaze from me to the door, and back to me. He slowly got out of his hiding position. I hear a key turning a lock. The door swings open as my dad lumbers in. He was a sweaty mess, his five o'clock shadow was grimy from a hard days work.
"Fucking crazy weather today Ashton, fucking crazy flashing pink weather..." He grumbles, rubbing his eyes with his shirt sleeves. He looks up at me, and then turns his eyes to Discord. "Who the fuck is he?" He says surprised.
Something inside me clicks. The flashing pink sky. The smell of fudge. Discord. The fact that this was all so completely lucid. This was all real! I wasn't hallucinating, I wasn't in a coma. I was just being fucked with! In the ten awkward seconds that passes by, I slowly turns my head to face the definitely corporeal human form of Discord with a look of complete and utter rage.
Bam! Cliffhanger!