Whirlwind wiped his eyes, trying to maintain his composure their laughter escalated. “A-and then… the bull charged back into the room…” The stallion leaned over the table, afraid to look up at Cheerilee. He was going to lose it if he did anything but stare into his plate. “…but this time, he had the chaps stuck on his horns!”
Cheerilee burst out laughing, cupping her hoof beneath her nose as she accidentally snorted out a bit of her wine. “He did not!”
Whirlwind nodded. His face was beet-red as he gasped for air. “I swear to Celestia he did!”
The teacher collapsed over her plate of braised switchgrass, howling. “How?” was all that she could manage before the giggles set back in.
“We don’t know! We could never figure it out!” The stallion tried to pour himself a little more wine, but his hooves where shaking so badly that he missed the glass entirely. For a moment, they both stared at the spreading puddle in shock before looking back at one another. As their eyes met again, all restraint was lost again.
Cheerilee pressed her hoof into her aching side, trying to massage out the stitch that had set in there. “No… more! Please! I can’t… breathe!”
“You should have seen that…” Whirlwind’s voice tapered off as he squinted at the window behind the mare. “Just a moment,” he said, rising and closing the rich, velvet curtains in his dining room.
“What’s the matter?” Cheerilee asked, glancing over her shoulder as the stallion pulled the next set of drapes shut with a flourish.
Whirlwind rolled his eyes before smiling ruefully. “Oh, just some unpleasantness outside. I’d thought that it might happen tonight. It’s never a good scene.”
Cheerilee craned her neck, attempted to see past the stallion as he fussed with the curtain’s ties. “What is it? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain it all in a moment, but first…” Whirlwind winked at her, a small smile creeping across his face. “… I have a surprise for you. I really think you’re going to like it!”
Cheerilee’s brow furrowed as she looked between the curtain and Whirlwind. “Not tonight!” she said, rising from her chair. “I’m tired of this happening!”
Whirlwind frowned, blinking a few times as he tried to catch up. “Pardon? I’m sorry, but I’m not following.”
Cheerilee pulled at the ties, wrenching the curtains open. “Never mind. I wouldn't be able to explain it anyway. Whatever this is, though, I’m going to send it—what in Equestria?!”
Several dozen stern policeponies stood in a loose ring around the house. As the curtains opened, one stepped forward and began barking into a megaphone.
“We know you’re in there, Whirlwind! Come out with your hooves up!”
“Whirlwind, what is—oof!” Cheerilee crashed onto the hardwood floor as the coils of rope cinched tightly around her legs.
“Surprise!” Whirlwind said with a grin.
Cheerilee wiggled furiously on the floor. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“Well, I had the feeling that they might be coming today.” Whirlwind gave the rope a final yank and began tying an intricate knot. “They’ve been watching Ponyville’s exits for days. No way in or out.” Picking the teacher up, he deposited her back in her chair. “Honestly, I’d thought that I was done for, but then I met you at Sugarcube Corner! You seemed like such a sweet mare, and I thought maybe we could get to know each other a little better. You know, some dinner? Maybe a tense hostage situation? A, forgive me, whirlwind escape from the law… perhaps in a stolen hot air balloon? That sort of thing.”
Cheerilee thrashed, rocking her chair back and forth as she struggled to free herself. “You invited me over just to be a potential hostage?!”
Whirlwind shook his head, staring at the floor for a minute as he collected himself. “You know, that’s pretty hurtful,” he said, frowning. “I’m just trying to make a connection here. Wasn’t dinner nice? I thought you were having a really good time.”
“I was!” Cheerilee yelled, baring her teeth at the stallion as he crossed his legs tightly across his chest and looked away. “Right up until the part where you tied me up to use as a equine shield!”
“Last chance! Don’t make us come in and get you!”
Whirlwind held up a hoof. “Excuse me for a moment.” Hopping off of his chair again, he trotted to the window. The stallion gave Cheerilee a wink as he ducked low and cracked the window open. “I’d really like us to move past this, but I just need to take care of these officers first. Just hang tight.” Trying to stay below the window, the stallion stretched his hoof out, dragging Cheerilee’s chair into view. “Don’t get any funny ideas!” he bellowed. “I've got a hostage here and she won’t make it out alive if I see any of you guys move one inch toward this house!”
Glancing outside, Cheerilee could see several of the worried officers huddling together. “Get in here and help me!” she screamed at them.
“Cheerilee, please don’t be like that,” Whirlwind said with a sigh. “I don’t want to have to gag you. Let’s just try to have a good time with the rest of our night. There’s no reason this needs to change things between us.”
Cheerilee glared at her date. “Have you totally lost your mind?”
“Look, is this about the ‘doing you in if they approach’ thing?” he asked, trotting into the kitchen. “That’s just hostage talk. I don’t really want to kill you.”
“Oh, that’s very reassuring,” Cheerilee called after him. After straining against the ropes a few more times, she finally gave up. “I almost can’t wait for our next date. I can see it now! You: Fleeing from the law! Diving into bushes and sneaking onto railcars to escape over the border. Me: Hooves tied, stumbling, starving, but madly in love as I’m whisked away on a terror-filled adventure! What more could a mare ask for?”
“Oh, thank Celestia!” Whirlwind replied, trotting back into the dining room with a large butcher’s knife. “I was so afraid that you’d take this all the wrong way, but—”
“I am, you dolt!”
“Oh,” Whirlwind said, hanging his head. “You know, you could be a little more understanding. I’m doing my best here. Do you need anything, by the way?” He grinned, holding up a hoof before she could answer. “I know, I know. Freedom!” He rolled his eyes. “Anything besides that. Water? Backrub?”
Both ponies squinted as the room was suddenly filled with blindingly bright light. “We’re sending for a negotiator,” the officer called out from around a large spotlight. “Don’t do anything rash!”
Whirlwind held out the knife for the officers to see, waving it threateningly close to Cheerilee’s neck. “Don’t push me! I swear I’ll do it if I see one of you get anywhere near this house!” Leaning over, Whirlwind whispered into Cheerilee’s ear. “Not that I want to. You seem like a really great mare, and I think once we talk about this for a little while, we’ll be laughing about it just like we were earlier. We just need to get through this whole negotiation/escape thing first.”
Cheerilee sighed, shifting her position as best she could and wishing she could scratch the persistent itches that seemed to be plaguing her now. “And how long is that, usually?”
The stallion shrugged. “Eh, usually a few hours. Sometimes a couple of days. It really depends on the precinct.” Trotting to his chair, he brought it over and placed it nearby. Sitting again, he gave the teacher a hopeful smile. “But now we’ll have lots and lots of time to share with one another! You know, to really bond.”
Cheerilee leaned back in the chair. Staring up at the ceiling, she wondered what she’d ever done to make the universe hate her so much. “I can hardly wait,” she finally answered.