You know, it started out as such a good idea. Of course it did, it was my idea.
I'd gotten tired of bothering the Elements (Well, former Elements since the gems were locked away in that literal stick in the mud), popping around to see how things had changed during my tenure as a lawn ornament got old even quicker, and I couldn't go causing my usual brand of chaos because Celestia would just have to raise a hissy fit.
Oh, and Fluttershy would be disappointed and upset with me...Yeah...
Things used to be so much simpler, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, it's not my fault others couldn't appreciate my art. Now, though, thanks to those blasted ponies, I have this horrible, terrible affliction...
A conscience!
Can you imagine? I, who once warped the very fabric of reality at a mere whim, now can't because it 'makes others feel bad'.
...Okay, I still do the reality bending thing from time to time, but I need more.
But then, inspiration struck me when I was floating over the market after switching a few of Applejacks apples so they had orange insides, seeing the provision of services for money, it struck me-
I can't just cause chaos as I wish all willy nilly, but I can do it as others wish!
Oh, it had been so very, very, veeeeeery long since I got to play the part of the tricky genie.
Of course, I had to clear it with Lady High Sunny Butt herself first (You need the emphasis on that, she is the head Sunny Butt, after all), and of course she was strangely reluctant, but really, could she have any reason to bar a old Equestrian Citizen from providing his services to the youth of today? After all, I'm only trying to help.
...Yeah, she didn't quite buy that either, but she really had no legal hoof to stand on, not as long as I didn't do any permanent damage, there was nothing she could do. She did set a few rules, but as much as I felt rule should be a four letter word, it was nothing I couldn't work with/around.
So, the next day, the Ponyville Market had a tent set up (Which I will admit, was something like one I once saw a traveling Feline Fortune Teller use, but with my own spin on things), with a great sign above the entrance.
Want Your Wishes Granted, Desires Dispensed, and Hopes Handed to you?
Come see the Grand PuBaa of Chaos, Discord!
Prices may vary, all sales final
And so I opened shop and waited...
And waited...
And waited...
And as soon as they were sure the place wasn't going to detonate and scatter rum-cake batter across the town (I'm saving that for She-Who-Moons-The-World's birthday, and That emphasis is simply because I felt like it), my customer's began coming in, and I found a major flaw in my plan, something I realized long ago and didn't take into account...
Ponies just seem to have no imagination...
Over and over, so many similar wishes and requests that it was aggravating. The only repeat request I was really able to sew any sort of chaos with was the multiple request for the next winning lotto numbers (So many asked for that one that, after what they payed for the ticket, my services and the tax on winnings, everypony would end up losing money over it, I'm rather looking forward to seeing their expressions when they catch on. And no, I don't see the future, but I can rig a game better than anypony you know.)
I had so many wishes for money, which was against the rules handed down by Princess Rainbow Sherbert, something about not collapsing the country's economy. It was such a boring, repetitive and unimaginative wish anyways.
I got filly after colt after filly after colt coming in to ask for cutie marks as well, and the same three fillies coming in time and time again in poorly thought out disguises asking for it. As...interesting as it might have been to give them something less than ideal, that was another rule from miss Aurora Mane. No messing with Cutie Marks.
That said, I did get a few requests that were...interesting, to say the least...
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"I'm sorry, what was that?" I couldn't help but as the unicorn in front of me.
"I said, how much would it be to give me some sort of forelimb with fingers?" The minty green unicorn repeated, "Something like a dragon or a griffin, heck, I'd take something like those clunky looking minotaur arms."
Arcing a brow, I looked over the entirely serious looking unicorn, "Might I ask why?"
Don't get me wrong, it was interesting to say the least, and making a pony into some sort of chimera being sounded like fun, but I couldn't help but be curious.
She just turned to her side and pointed at her plot, "You see this? You see this cutie mark? It's a harp! An instrument designed and made by griffins." She then shoved her forehooves in my face, "You see these? These are hooves. Have you ever tried playing the freakin' harp with hooves?" She almost yelled before pulling back, "I can play with my magic, but the tones just aren't the same, the grip affects them and I've hit a wall. Now tell me how much it costs to get me some freakin' fingers!"
...Okay, I think I can work with this. Sure, Ponies weren't as fearful of Griffins as they had been back in the day, but I could at least have a little fun with this...
(((())))
I will say, Miss Heartstrings seemed rather pleased with her new set of griffins claws (Although, personally, I think her confectioner 'roommate' enjoyed them more, once she clipped the talons back a bit), and the sight of a griffin-clawed pony seemed to finally instill some imagination in the ponies. Body Modification quickly became a big thing, apparently (Although Princess Celery put the kibosh on making any more pegacorns, although...technically she only said I couldn't give Pegasus Ponies Unicorn Horns and I couldn't give Unicorns Pegasus wings...She didn't say anything about, say, Thestral wings or changeling horns...Maybe something to think about...), but the next big surprise was a relatively simple change, but with so many possibilities.
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I looked at the stallion before me for a few moments, more than a little surprised at what I'd heard. In fact...
I took a moment to pop off my ears, dropping them into the trash before pulling a couple new ones out of my desk. Testing them with a couple snaps, I looked back to him, "Could you repeat that?"
The stoic stallion looked me in the eyes without hesitation, "Ah said ah want you to make me into a mare."
...Oh, there were some prime jokes I could make here, 'Sorry, but I think we should just be friends.', 'Shouldn't I take you out to dinner first?', 'Oh, what would our friends think?', 'What would my/your parents think?' and of course, 'Sorry, but I'm waiting until marriage.'
But again, I could only ask, "Why?"
Not that it mattered, I'd still do it, but again, curiosity.
"Ah, Ah've never felt quite right like ah am, like ah was never right in mah own pelt. Ah checked every book in the library an' Ah even checked with the doc' at the hospital, but he said there weren't nothin' they could do fer me. So ah...Ah just came to accept Ah was stuck like this, feelin' like a stranger in mah own body. Ah tried to forget it in mah work but..." The crimson stallion hesitated, looking around for a moment before looking at me with watery eyes, "But then one day ah met him and...and..."
Oh please, no... I thought, already feeling the headache coming on.
"Ah love 'im!" The stallion broke down in sobs, wrapping his forelimbs around me, "Ah loved 'im the moment Ah saw 'im, but he, he's into mares! Ah kept seein' him makin' eyes at her an' it hurt so much but then I heard what you can do an'," He started sobbing again as he started to squeeze, "An' it was like a gift from Celestia, Ah could be set right, be what Ah was s'posed to be, an' Ah, Ah Might be able to..." Okay, I'm pretty sure I felt something pop that's not supposed to pop, "Ah need this! Ah know he might not choose me, but Ah wan' a chance! A chance to be right an' a chance to be with 'im Please, Discord, ya gotta help me!"
"All right, all right!" I yelled, popping out of his grip. I don't deal with crying well and, seriously, I think he crushed a vertebrae or something. I really hope whoever he has his eye on is a sturdy fellow.
Taking a moment to realign by spine, I looked at him, "Call me a romantic, but I'll do it," Maybe I am a romantic...Or maybe I just want to see his sister's face when she sees him next, and whoever this stallion is, his reaction would probably be even better.
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After that I went to work smoothing him over into a her, shifting around a few internal organs and, of course, replacing certain organs with certain other organs not present before.
It took me about ten minutes...
What? I'm an artist, I take my time when I'm sculpting my work.
And I apparently did a rather good job, given the looks the new mare got as she stepped out of my tent. Hanging up an "Out for lunch" sign, I popped to a prime viewing spot, grabbed some popcorn and watched as my latest creation turned heads all over, some by unknowing stallions, some by mares who seemed to recognize her cutie mark.
A few of those mares screamed in despair towards the sky...I guess she was pretty popular as a he.
"B-Big Mac'!"
My attention was immediately drawn back to my latest work (She may have to change her name, I think something like Red Gala would probably be fitting, or maybe Macarana...Sure it has nothing to do with apples, but it fits the nickname and it's a fun song, so sue me!).
I was right by the way, the look on Applejack's face was absolutely priceless! The shock and disbelief in her expression was just to die for.
The best seemed yet to come, though, because Mac trotted her way right past her sister, right past the equally surprised Twilight Sparkle and Rarity, right up to...
Oh, now this was just perfect!
The entire marketplace seemed to go quiet as she marched right up to Sparkle's young assistant whelp and planted a big, wet one right-on-his-lips!
That moment, that moment right there!
After the monotonous, unimaginative wishes, the barely worth my time mane changes, all the tediousness was worth it just for this moment!
At that moment, I was content with my business...
Oh, what am I saying, it could be better, it can always be better...Maybe I can open up shop in Manehattan...