Cultural Artifacts

by Dan_s Comments


27) The Goat of West Point

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - The Goat of West Point

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 47

      "Good to see you, Captain Alfalfa," Blueblood said of his officers of the North Border Fusiliers as they and the cadre entered the banquet hall. The meeting room in Dodge Junction was the same as the one he'd used earlier to meet with Grass Lights. The refreshments on the side tables were being approached more cautiously. Blueblood nearly smirked as one of the senior sergeants had tapped all the cider barrels, and brought Blueblood a tankard with a little from each barrel. "Oh, thank you so very much," he said and drank a healthy draught.

      That let the others begin. Fortunately for Blueblood, pride warred with amusement, so he was able to easily maintain his supercilious tone. "Our part of the operation will fortunately be minor. The Big Guy and Auntie Celly want to 'send a clear message'," he said and rolled his eyes, "All we have to do is rescue the prisoners."

      "Drive a mine right under the prisoners' enclosure without them sallying to deal with us?" the captain said. She'd had to 'adjust' her Colonel's plans on numerous occasions. Blueblood thought the mare enjoyed the challenge. That and Blueblood never hit on her 'for fear she'd hit back' which made her more tolerant of his other flaws.

      "Ah, we have a secret weapon," Blueblood said enthusiastically, "The Great and Powerful Trixie."

      Trixie entered, and accepted a mug of cider and a sandwich. She was clearly not happy at being up with the dawn. "Yes, observe," she said and flipped her cape to accentuate the spell.

      Everyone in the room vanished.

      "That's . . . impressive," the captain said, "I don't hear anyone either." She and her troops reappeared.

      "The Big Guy and the Great and Powerful Trixie taught me how to use that spell to disguise the entrance to our mine, and how to disperse the dirt so even the ponies on the ramparts won't see it. Isn't that wonderful?"

      The captain saw the showmare making placating gestures. The captain just nodded. She'd been here before. "Sir, after casting the spell, are you going to be helping us with the digging?" she asked.

      Blueblood looked positively horrified, then he laughed. "Oh captain, you are such a tease! I will be there when we break through. After all, I have to be there to lead my brave troops at the decisive moment." Blueblood appeared to completely miss the captain's absolutely neutral expression. "Although I understand Captain Armor will also be there. But the glory of this will go to my, I mean us, our regiment." Blueblood raised his mug, which was suspiciously being kept full. "To the glory of the North Border Fusiliers!"

      That got an enthusiastic response, as it always did.

      "Let's go over the rest of the Big Guy's plan. I understand Aunt Celly was positively horrified by it, so it has to be fun," Blueblood said.

      The captain took a long swig of cider, then concentrated on the maps and timetables for the action. She was amazed that it actually looked like competent work. "A bit theatrical."

      Trixie cleared her throat.

      "Beg pardon ma'am," she said, "But the stage is not the same as a battle field."

      "Yes, you don't have to impress your audience," Trixie said, "You just have to beat them, or in this case, terrify them."

      "I hope they're half as scared as I," the captain muttered.
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      Trixie looked at the regimental orchestra. They were bivouacked in town, now they were assembled on the theater's stage. The stage manager watched in confusion as Trixie passed out sheet music that was to be a major portion of the upcoming battle.

      "I know that ponies sometimes use music for celebrations," the stage manager said, "But to win a battle? I don't think those bandits are going to be the sing-along type. And if they are in a magic-free zone, wouldn't the magic of Harmony have a light hold on them."

      "The Great and Powerful Trixie will show you," the angry at being awake before noon Trixie told her, "From the top, so you can see too."

      The orchestra began. Explosions wreathed the Great and Furious Trixie, then she walked towards the stage manager. The mare's eyes widened and she retreated. Trixie didn't speed up, she walked in time with the music. The stage manager's ears flattened back and she began searching for an escape, but she was facing a relentless, tireless and pitiless foe.

      The mare scampered away, and Trixie just turned to continue her steady pursuit. The manager retreated to put the orchestra between them. "I just wanted to know," the normally unshakeable mare shouted.

      On a column of lightning and fire, Trixie leapt over the musicians. The stage manager's eyes shrank to pinpoints as she tracked the caped death descending on her. She threw her self on the ground and covered her head. "I just wanted to know!" she wailed.

      "Beep," Trixie told her as she touched her nose, "Now, imagine the Ponyville Monster advancing on you with that accompanying."

      The stage manager stood and shook herself. The musicians were laughing, but she didn't care. "I'll be having enough nightmares about that, thank you very much."

      "Trixie can sell it better," Trixie told her, "Now, if you think you can stir up the regular band, don't you think they'll want to be in on this?"

      "Yes," the stage manager said, eager for anything that let her get outside under the sunlight, and away from that terrifying music. "And coffee, for everyone, right?"

      "That would be appreciated," Trixie said, and the musicians also nodded.

      The stage manager ran off.

      "This was the Big Guy's idea?" the conductor asked as he took over leading the orchestra.

      "You know how Celestia dislikes anyone harming 'her little ponies'," Trixie said, "This way he doesn't have to touch them. If they surrender to your regiment, then that's done."

      The others nodded. And the conductor selected a few musicians to lead a few sections.

      So the seeds are sewn, Trixie thought, He's doing all in his power to not hurt these outlaws, but how does that fit in with the entire game. I have a feeling he's playing stage magician himself. Distracting us all from the obvious.

      She found the temptation to 'stalk' to the music almost overwhelming. 'Kirk Does it Again,' Trixie doesn't think that sounds like religious music, Trixie thought, Unless they have the weirdest churches imaginable.
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      Pinkie was laying out the tools and parts when she heard somepony knocking on the door to the shed, her secret workshop. For an instant she considered acting like no one was there, but she'd been making enough noise that anything with ears could have heard her. She sighed. "Coming," she called, trying to sound her usual happy self.

      Sunshine was out there, and he nodded to her. "The Cakes mentioned that you sometimes putter around here after the breakfast rush."

      "Uh, yes," Pinkie said nervously.

      "Is that a flying machine?" the old griffon asked and walked up to the rebuilt Pinkie Flier.

      He actually likes it? Pinkie wondered as the griffon looked at the blades and the pedals.

      "I'd heard some pony in Ponyville had actually built one, I am glad it was you," the griffon said.

      "Really?" Pinkie asked, and fought back her grin so she wouldn't scare him. From the Big Guy's reaction to her, she realized she could overwhelm people, and that some liked her as quiet and thoughtful.

      He walked around the Pinkie Flier, touching it here and there, and giving an occasional brief smile. "Yes, I fooled around with a completely different design as a fledgling. I was a late flier, like your friend Fluttershy. I thought if I could build a machine, I could figure out what I was doing wrong. I never got it to fly, but I did figure out what I was doing wrong with my wings."

      "Oh," Pinkie said. Her nervousness at having someone else examining and judging her toys kept her from her usual boisterous enthusiasm.

      "I have sent for my papers. Perhaps if I still have the old designs, you and I could go over them. It was two large blades, rather than your blade and rotor design."

      "Did they rotate the same way?" Pinkie asked.

      "No, I fixed that early on. But I could never make the gears work for very long," he admitted as he ran a claw over the blades of the rotor.

      "I saw a picture of one in one of the Big Guy's books, but it had two rotors separately on the body. It made it look like a flying banana, but it worked," Pinkie said.

      "Should we go over to the library and look at the papers?" the griffon said.

      "Sure," Pinkie said, brightening considerably, "Ah, you sent for your papers?"

      "Our diplomats were unhappy I didn't win," he explained, "So I was exiled here. Temporarily. Best thing really."

      "Oh," Pinkie said and grinned, "I can throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!"

      "I perhaps can teach you how to throw a low-key party, enhance your skills and expand your repertoire."

      "Getting a little fast on our first date aren't you?" Pinkie teased.

      "I am a perfect gentleman, I assure you," he replied and took a haughty pose.

      Pinkie giggled, and the griffon smiled slightly.

      "What do you think of the little prank war that's been going on?" Pinkie asked as they headed towards the library. "I think it's Rainbow Dash, but she says it's me."

      "Has anyone considered it is the Big Guy?" Sunshine asked, "Stress can make people do strange things."

      "True," Pinkie replied, "So you've met Twilight at the capital."

      "Twikky Tickey Boom Boom?" the griffon said and rolled his eyes, "Oh yes." The pair shared a laugh.
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      The pair looks more like a pair of snakes trying to strangle each other, Tom noted of Celestia and Discord sleeping peacefully.

      Celestia woke first, enjoying the warmth and feeling of being held, then realized who was doing the holding. Fury vanished to be replaced by terror as she remembered what she'd done the previous night. Discord woke as soon as Celestia started moving, and helped her disentangle her mane and tail from his spikes and horns.

      "Discord, I -" Celestia said as she stared at him in terror.

      "Nothing happened that had a permanent effect on me." He said, taking advantage of her near paralysis to sneak a kiss on her forehead. "Of course, I can now say you treated me like crap. Poor Tom is never going to get those stains out."

      Celestia fought unsuccessfully against a smirk. "I also seem to remember you saying you deserved it."

      "And I will admit, I did," Discord said, "Being on the receiving end of helplessness at the hands of someone truly capricious has opened my eyes to how your ponies must have felt."

      Celestia bowed her head. "I didn't intend for any of this to happen."

      "Then quit trying to stage-manage it. You're smarter than this. If you really wanted him gone, then blast him. If the Elements wouldn't do it, then turn him to stone with a cockatrice. Or use a dozen guards with crossbows, or vaporize him yourself. Or just let him be. You keep trying to turn this to your own advantage. It was already completely to your advantage. Nightmare and Tirek started trying to get his help to deal with me, by the time they released me, they were certain they'd need me to deal with him," Discord said, "Congratulations, you have the perfect sword to dangle over everybody's head that everybody already thinks you have but aren't dangling. And he can also be the goodwill ambassador for you. If someone displeases you, he can go talk to them and negotiate, with the threat in their mind that he'll exterminate them if they step out of line."

      "How can you even think like that?" Celestia asked.

      "How can you not?" Discord asked, "Like it or not, that's how you maintain your hegemony over the other empires. Celestia the White was only the gentle half of Nightmare Moon. And that you defeated her so soundly, the ponies may have forgotten, but the griffons and dragons never did."

      "So I would just put another monster for them to fear in my place," Celestia said despondently.

      "But a monster you could trust," Discord told her, he sighed like a silly filly in a saddle-ripper, "And all he needs is your friendship." His tone returned to sarcastic normal, "Too bad you don't actually believe that drivel. It might have actually worked on him."

      "What?" Celestia.

      "They speak Equestrian in 'What'?" Discord asked, while wearing a poofy wig. "What is, that he was lost, frightened and confused, beset by ponies on all sides, and as the God-Queen, you could have cleared them out, gone in, done a little tea and hugging, and let him adjust to the new world slowly. No, it was hammer him into a pony shape from the first." Discord stood up and stamped around. "If you couldn't do it for his sake, why not for you own. When you had no way to deny how lonely you are, you went even more nutso that Twilight Spackle did. He didn't know you were the queen, all he would know is you are a merely friendly horse in a land full of overly friendly ponies. You didn't even have to talk, you could have played chess or cards or done math puzzles together, but half-an-hour a day and you would have had the release and support you both needed. But no, you turned him over to Spackle the Unrelenting and your sister who can't bear to think she might be surpassing you!"

      Celestia recoiled at the furious outburst from the Draconequus.

      Discord visibly controlled himself. Steam stopped wafting out of his ears, and he went from cherry red all over to his normal coloring. He snapped his fingers and Celestia was lying on a leather couch. Discord was seated in an overstuffed leather bound chair.

      "Ve tak aboot, oh hang the accent, we'll talk about your childhood. Does anyone besides Luna know what a wild child you were? Or have you always been just the serene Highness with a prankish sense of humor?"

      "They don't know."

      "So you go from a hell raiser I would have loved to hang out with, to desperately trying to be the most boring pony in Equestrian history. Ironically, I know what happened. You only seem to be aware of events."

      "And how would you become an expert in me?" Celestia said sweetly.

      "Two bachelors, having woman troubles, with the same woman, but from opposite sides of the spectrum. Of course we'd talk about you and Celly," Discord said dismissively, "And there's only one thing that explains both of your behaviors. You're both terrified of adolescence."

      Celestia cocked her head and stared at him.

      "Think about it. Celly's doing what you did, and what she did a thousand years ago, trying to become a 'grown-up' as fast as possible. The fastest way is have a foal. That's what both of you did, and that's what Celly is doing again. You, on the other hoof, are afraid of what he'll do to your ponies, to wit, change them from frightened children, to adolescents, to adults. You're afraid he's going to take your entire civilization through the agonies of adolescence, and you want to put a stop to it."

      "That's preposterous!" Celestia insisted, "And I've groomed Twilight and Cadence through their troubled times to do much more than anyone could ever expect."

      Discord seemed to be dry washing his hands. He spoke with reluctance. "I think you will find that Shining Armor and Sir Eagle Belle did that job with Cadence, and the 'Mane 6' did that job with Twilight. You took them to the brink, but not that one last step. Because you couldn't see anyway of becoming a mare, except the way you did. The way he did. Surrounded by dead friends and the enemy coming at you from all sides. And that is what happened to Twilight. But not Cadence. She was the daughter Twilight and Armor's family raised. She came to it more slowly, more gently. That was, is, his plan for Equestria. He's raised his own children, some of his own grandchildren, and his youngest sister. All of them grew into exactly the kind of people you'd want your ponies to be. That's why you're trying to drive him out. You don't want your ponies traumatized into adulthood like you and Luna were. And I apologize for my part in that. But you also can't accept that this pitiful alien without magic or a thousand years of love and adoration, just might do successfully, what you've been terrified to even try to do for a millennium. Cadence and Twilight aren't the daughters you raised. Luna is, and still it took Twilight and her friends to finish the job you started."

      Celestia stared at Discord as he withdrew. He has to be lying, he has to be, Celestia thought desperately, This can't be what's really happening. I'm not like that. Celly's not like that. It's his plan.
------------------------------

      In the throne room of Equestria, under the gaze of the compassionate Solar Diarch, in full sight of her sun and guards, murder was being plotted by a dozen minds. The small circle of nobles grimaced and grit their teeth as the confused suppliants came to them instead of the Diarch herself. Over their shoulders, the Solar Diarch radiated her beneficence and tolerance down on them. If not for the ever-present and very observant guards, regicide would have been a distinct possibility.

      "You see, her hayfries taste exactly like mine!" one irrate chef told one trio of nobles as other trios worked other cases throughout the room.

      "You coat yours with sesame flour, I fry mine in sesame oil," the other chef replied, "It's not hard to believe they'd taste similar." She turned to the trio of nobles. "So there's no reason for this case to even be brought."

      "You're stealing my business," the first said, "That's why the suit is being brought. You heard, she stole my secrets and figured out a way to copy them. She's deliberately infringing on my signature taste."

      "Your restaurant is on the south side of Canterlot. Mine is on the east. Nopony is going to spend forty minutes walking to your restaurant for lunch, when they can reach mine in five. Just like the reverse. I don't get business from the south side because they go to yours."

      The leader of the trio looked over at Celestia, who simply beamed back at him. In an even darker mood he thought, Why can't I just roll both of these fools in sesame flour and fry them alive in sesame oil, to see if they'd taste alike.

      "I'm certain that similarities in taste are not uncommon," one of the other nobles said firmly, "Unfortunate but true. As long as your restaurants stay separated, I see no problem with you both existing."

      "But if I want to expand?" the flourer asked, his whining tones grated on everypony.

      "There are the north and the west, as well as many other cities," the leader offered.

      The flourer looked aghast. "Offer those uncultured palates such a delicacy?" he asked. The horror on his expression in marked contrast to the oiler's calculation.

      Maybe this job isn't so bad. I'll be impartial, but there is still money to be made, the leader realized.

      "I think we are in agreement," the last of the trio said, "As the situation stands now, there is no conflict."

      "I will appeal this to Celestia herself!" the flourer demanded.

      "That is part of the standard procedure," the leader said, and the five ponies approached the throne.

      The leader looked at Celestia's grin and wanted to punch her so badly he could taste it over the horrific aftertaste of the two brands of hayfries. I always hated sesame anyway, he thought as the quietest of the trio approached the throne and laid out a thumbnail of the case and their decision.

      Celestia nodded. "Well done, my little ponies," she told them and grinned.

      The chefs went away, one grumbling, the other heading towards the leader's secretary for further consultation.

      "Whatever we did to deserve this," the quiet one murmured to his two comrades, "Let's either find out and make recompense, or slit our bellies after lunch."

      "Anything but hayfries," the leader said, then brightened, "What about that recipe her Highness won the contest with. I heard some of the chefs have figured it out."

      "Eat with the rabble?" the second noble scoffed.

      "Just once. Besides, franchise rights?" the leader said. The visions of bits dancing before them warred with snobbery. None of them knew it, but they'd been chosen for the day's experiment, because their entrepreneurial spirit would tear their snobbery a new one in each of these three ponies, as well as every other nobles in the test.

      They all missed faux-Celestia's grin as three venture capitalist were born. Without ever realizing the midwife had it all planned.
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      "Why did you decide to watch this?" Woona asked as she ducked back behind the sofa so she couldn't see the images on the cinema machine. The ottoman stacked in front of the sofa seemed an inadequate barrier.

      Why are we watching this? Celestia in the Big Guy asked Discord.

      "I made a mistake, Black Lagoon, Creature from the Black Lagoon they're similar," Discord said.

      "Go out and get the remote to turn this off!" Celly ordered.

      "I didn't drop the remote when the shooting started! You get it!" Woona shouted back over the gunfire in full surround sound.

      How long is this show anyway? Celestia asked.

      "I think the last episode on this disk is Hansel and Gretel, that's a fairy tale, so that should be a calm time to go get the remote," Discord told her, "Just another couple of episodes."

      Didn't you say the kids tipped the old witch into an oven? Celestia asked.

      "Yes, but that can't be worse than what's going on now," Discord replied.

      "We could have been watching that western, Cowboy Bebop, but nooo," Woona accused.

      "Keep talking, then I can't hear what's going on on the screen," Celly replied.
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      Luna had taken the day court for a while, and with Selene, oversaw the new experiment. Only approving or disapproving the decisions of a commission of nobles. Faux-Celestia was walking down the stairway, past the Ponyville door. Three feet of steel reinforced concrete had been violently shoved aside, and the door at the very bottom of the hall stood open.

      This is not the smartest thing I've ever done, the Big Guy thought, But if I want answers, this is where to get them.

      Beyond the door was a lake, the surface's glassy smoothness disturbed by the occasional ripple.

      Assuming those came from a point source, they are from a long way away, he thought, then looked deep into the water. A set of railroad tracks led from a dozen feet from the door and disappeared in the distance. The clarity of the water was amazing. As he looked around, he noted islands in the distance. Those aren't islands far away, he thought as his eyes adjusted to the light, Those are individual pillars coming out of the water. Some are brick, some are marble, all are broken off near the surface. He squinted and saw that further on, the pillars climbed higher. He put a hoof down on the surface of the water, and when it merely dimpled the water, put more and more of Celestia's weight on it.

      "Okay, Discord should love this place, but he only teasingly mentioned it, like he was afraid of it." He stepped onto the water and began walking. " 'When you go home tonight, you must take the long way home.'" He quoted the opening of the Supertramp song. He started at a canter, then transitioned into a full gallop. The water easily supported Celestia's body. He stayed above the railroad tracks just to be safe.

      When the railroad simply stopped, he extended Celestia's wings and took to the air. There was an 'island' a short distance away. I should be able to navigate back, assuming someone doesn't rearrange the topography.

      The island was a Tuscan column with a base set on a weathered brick foundation. He landed beside it, and realized he'd misjudged the distance and the scale. The column was over a hundred feet in diameter and seemed to reach up into the sky.

      If this place drove Discord mad, he thought as he placed Celestia's hoof on the pillar, and then another, a third and finally was standing sideways on the barrel of the column. He set Celestia's body to cantering up the side of the column. The bell of the column was quite a distance. He paused on the assent, from this level, he could see a long ways. I also see the pattern to the columns. This one was part of an arcade, but the capping arches have fallen away, along with whatever they supported. Those are clearly to support an entablature, but it's missing. And those in the distance, whose must be huge. They must have supported the outermost structures. But what was this place? It couldn't have been a structure on Equestria. It's too huge. Gravity seems a surface phenomenon, and those were clearly railroad tracks right down to the wood ties and the spikes. He looked around. What is this place?

      Rested and curiosity inflamed, he had Celestia's body gallop to the bell at the top of the column. What he saw there confirmed some of his suspicions ever since he'd heard that Tartarus could be reached from near Ponyville.

      The skeleton was massive, curled tightly in on itself, it still covered the top if the pillar. It was a true chimera. As he flew over it, he saw the body and head were horselike, but the neck was a humanoid torso, with four limbs arranged in pairs. The tail was the body of a snake as large as the largest python he'd ever heard of, save it had no less than six pairs of arms. Human, something clawed like a bear's, a set that suggested flippers, another the seemed a bird's wings, but far too small and inconveniently placed to lift such a creature. The last was another set of additional snakes, these being typical limbless structures.

      Okay, that makes no sense, just a series of long, thin bones with no digits at the end, he thought as he flew close and examined them. Like a tail, but those are made of vertebrae, not femurs and tibias, he thought, And what's holding it together, the ligaments are long gone, unless it's a carving of some kind. From this vantage, he could see the tops of several other pillars, yet none of them had a skeleton or any remains perched atop them.

      "Confused?" a little girl asked, standing within the human torso's rib cage.

      Considering she's speaking English, I should be, he thought.

      "Not really. After you accept that this place is impossible, you accept it as it comes," he told her.

      She shied away for a moment. "You aren't Celestia! What are you doing here?"

      "Talking to a little girl who pops up in the middle of a giant skeleton. And no, I'm mentally not Celestia, She swapped minds, without my permission and much to my displeasure."

      "You should go, it was not you who were invited," she said fearfully.

      "So, I guess that nixes the idea that you are the Seekers I've been hearing about."

      The little girl burst out laughing. "The Seekers, us? Would the Seekers have allowed this?" She swept her arms to point at the cyclopean ruins surrounding them on all sides. "Would the Seekers have permitted what passes on Equestria to come to pass?" She laughed heartily some more.

      Go from 'flee before he comes' to laughing at the naif, he thought, Interesting.

      "No! He comes! Hide!" And the little girl was gone.

      One half-kiloton total conversion weapon in the corner pocket, he thought as a pegasus so large faux-Celestia looked like a Dinky would compared to Celestia herself, except this one was built more like the white stallion with the tiny wings.

      "You were not summoned," the pegasus said, "Where is Celestia?"

      "Not available. She swapped minds with me. If you want to speak with her, I can take you to where she is."

      I'm not bringing anyone here without some heavy magic, especially flight powers. I have the Alicorn Amulet, but I don't think I want to teach her how to use that, he thought, then concentrated on the pegasus, and elements that he could swear were anomalies like bad CGI, or mistakes in animated cartoons. I've seen those inconsistencies outside, but I always thought it was a side-effect of the magic and my own mental state. With those under control, I shouldn't be seeing this. And unless he's from the Fluttershy school of flight, those wings should have scoured the top of this pedestal already, me included.

      "You will fetch her," the pegasus thundered.

      "Old man, why don't you drop the disguise and the attitude, and let us talk? The Titans were greater than the gods, and for me all Titans are good for is NRO launches."

      He had Celestia pick up a bit of dust from the pedestal. The spell flashed it way. In the distance, he set up a paradox with one solution. Two bits of matter cannot coexist in the same piece of space-time, but two quanta of energy can. The Einstein equation described the elegant solution. And the little girl and the massive pegasus stared at the fireball in the distance.

      "Now that the preliminaries are over, why don't we talk? I have been jerked around by every piece of fluff on this planet, except Discord," faux-Celestia said, "I am rapidly losing my good disposition. I'm like John Sheridan, I'm willing to talk and reach an accommodation in good faith with darn near anybody, but you would not like me when I'm angry."

      "Imminent worm, my power spans this world and beyond, what do you have that can compare?" the pegasus thundered.

      Oh come on, I can see your disguise! he thought angrily.

      "You also have a very bad case of the stupids," faux-Celestia said.
------------------------------

      "Is it over?" Celly peaked over the couch at the screen showing the DVD's credits.

      "Less Talk! More acting!" Woona shouted as she darted out, hit the stop on the remote, hit the power off button, then unplugged the player from the wall. She fell onto her back. "Somepony tell me how watching that was supposed to be fun!?"

      "I enjoyed it," Discord said to Celestia in the Big Guy's mind.

      Why am I standing here, when that show gave me so many good ideas? Celestia thought in reply.

      "Uh, 'Tia, joke. You know funny, ha ha?" Discord said as he walked after the mare, "Just some teasing between friends."

      Celestia turned and laughed at him. He decided to quit following her.

      "I have the visas for Abu Dhabi, and our luggage packed," Tom said as he dropped off a pile of suitcases, "I think we can get there before she's finished."

      "Good plan," Discord said as he, Tom and the suitcases vanished.
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      The little girl whimpered under Celestia's wing. The little, ancient pegasus who looked like Derpy's grandfather lay among the bones of the corpse. He was also crying, but was too frightened to come out.

      "The city of pillars, like a version of what you have here, only with the roof still on," Faux-Celestia said.

      "Hippoastrumpolis, Star Horse City of the pre-empire," the ancient pegasus screamed in agony.

      "A place that looks like the ruins of Dream Valley," faux-Celestia said.

      "Dream Valley, gone, with all it's dreams and ponies," the little girl snuffled.

      Faux-Celestia gathered her more tightly against her flank and let the girl cry her heart out. "Another door is underwater, I couldn't go very far," faux-Celestia said and waited for a reaction from either.

      I think I over did it, the Big Guy considered, I guess I just have to wait.

      "Is there more?" the ancient pegasus said as he approached, "More evidence we've been fools and dupes for a thousand years or more?"

      "There's the sidedoor to the garage, a city preserved ice," faux-Celestia said, "That's all I found in the Deep House."

      The ancient pegasus prostrated himself. Faux-Celestia immediately collected him and placed him next to the girl under his wing. He felt the old ponies quiet sobs.

      "There is still power there," the old pegasus said, "If you could find it. I offer all I have."

      "I will do it, what I ask is you forgive me for the pain I've caused you," faux-Celestia said and hugged them tight, "I came seeking answers, I had no idea they would hurt you all so badly."

      "Serving mere echos for untold time, is a pain that cannot be erased," the little girl said, "We have failed."

      "There are ponies who will need you desperately, very shortly. Give up on your old masters, what you know, what you can do is needed. I assure you," faux-Celestia said, "I really will take Celestia the message. Or she's just outside the door and down a short - corridor," faux-Celestia called in her most soothing tone.

      I almost said hallway, that would have been bad, he thought, I have to start remembering to bring a book and a thermos of tea for these little excursions. The waiting is the worst part.
------------------------------

      "Hello?" Dinky called as she came through the front door. "Is anypony home?" She didn't hear any of the various machines washing clothes or dishes. She didn't hear dinner being prepared. She didn't hear any chatter that seemed to be as much a pony characteristic as breathing.

      This isn't right, she thought as she crept in, closing the door as quietly as she could. She stood in the front hallway and listened as hard as she could. Nothing, she thought as she walked in.

      The bright numbers on the cinema machine were off, and the plug was out of the wall. The lights were off in the living room and the kitchen, and she heard no one moving about. The ottoman was overturned and she looked at the small space behind it. Big enough for a pony, she thought, and looked at the ladder and the bookcase, Nothing wrong there. She slipped among the furniture and looked at the cavern out the back door, while occasionally glancing behind her. I don't like this, she thought as she briefly considered getting the team of soldiers at Nistag's lab to help search the place. She ignored that to check deeper into the house.

      "At least you're still here," she told Hotaru as the big dog slept on the laundry room floor, lost in a doggy dream she was obviously enjoying.

      Dinky searched the other rooms in the house, but found no evidence of anypony else in the rooms, the closets, or even in the garage.

      As she returned from the last, she realized she'd woken up Hotaru. "Sorry, you were really enjoying your dream," she said.

      The huge dog seemed to smile, and again, as soon as she started wagging her tail, she'd look at it as if it were an alien creature who'd attached itself to her. It always made Dinky laugh.

      The dog nudged her out of the laundry room and into the guest bedroom. There Hotaru pointed a paw at the hatch in the ceiling.

      "Why are they hiding in the attic?" Dinky asked.

      The dog replied with a quizzical expression and returned to the laundry room.

      "I guess I cook dinner," Dinky realized and headed for the kitchen.
------------------------------

      Luna raced through the open door, and looked around the rather modest home, and the three people having tea. She had gone from terrified to completely confused as fast as she'd decelerated. "The, the, and the," she gestured, to indicated the massive and unearthly ruins that had previously occupied the space behind the door.

      "Very difficult to have a proper conversation there," faux-Celestia said, and sipped her tea.

      The little, human girl looked at her. "She really is Luna. Welcome back Luna!" she told the Lunar Diarch cheerfully, "We have the kind of tea you used to like so much." She pouted. "I understand you can't get it any more."

      "That is what we were discussing. Ancient history, forgotten prophesies, all the good stuff," faux-Celestia said.

      Luna stared, then took the seat that hadn't been there a moment before.

      "We aren't the Seekers, despite what you and Celestia had convinced yourselves of. Just what's left of the last time," the pegasus said. Luna thought he looked like Derpy Hooves' grandfather.

      "Last time?" Luna asked, sipped her tea, and encountered a taste she was sure was lost beneath the ice and snow of the ponies' first home land. It was all she could do to drink it slowly, before letting faux-Celestia refill her cup.

      "I wish you wouldn't treat the prophesies so disrespectfully," the old pegasus said.

      "If they were any good, they'd have mentioned me," faux-Celestia said, "Sloppy work invites criticism. But you do agree, with my interpretation of events."

      "Yes," the girl and pegasus intoned. Then looked thoroughly disgusted.

      "I'm an engineer. I also did a fair amount of contract work. It's my job to figure out how to make things work, physically and legally," faux-Celestia said, "You asked about 'Last Time', evidently your world has existed before. At some point it stops, and later it restarts. Sometimes similar, sometimes different. My own world has a similar concept, the Heartbeat of Brahma, and the Big Bang/Big Crunch. It seems that one of those cycles is, was coming up. It isn't now."

      "What did you do?" Luna asked.

      "You have no need to know," faux-Celestia said, "You didn't have the contract with these people, the Solar Diarch did. You get the world of dreams, and she got the world of higher realities. It does explain things, with humans, dreams are how we reach for the greater realities. Waking dreams and somnambulant dreams. Anyway, on a topic you should be more interested in. You still object to my plans against those bandits?"

      "Of course I do, and so will Celestia," Luna said, feeling reality back under her hooves for a moment.

      "Well then, sign this," faux-Celestia said and hooved over a paper. "I know you don't approve of executions, and the Element of Harmony won't work on me. So that seems to be the strongest option you have left."

      "This is a writ of exile," Luna asked as she skimmed it, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

      "Sign it," faux-Celestia said, "You object to what I have planned, when I switch back, and carry it out. You toss my ass out of your country. It's as simple as that."

      "I thought you were going to keep Celestia's form, leave her trapped in yours," Luna said.

      Faux-Celestia's horn glowed, and Luna's hoof came down on the document. "Thank you. Talking with these two changed my mind. You need Celestia back, the real one. And I have other things I need to look into that have been neglected far too long." Faux-Celestia collected the paper. "And I don't need either of you."

      "What?"

      Faux-Celestia hovered the paper. "You object? Then take it, tear it up. I won't stop you. This is put up or shut up time. You want me to bow and scrape and do whatever you want. I won't do it. Now either you're going to punish me for my defiance, or you're just going to whine about it. Let me remind you, I lived on my own, without you, without your sister and without all your little ponies. I don't need you, and I'm sick of pretending I don't resent the Hell out of the little games you and your sister play."

      Luna stared at the paper, and the thing in her sister's body. Then the paper moved and slid into the satchel faux-Celestia carried.

      "Fine, that's done. You get your sister back, and I get out from under your thumb. And don't hold Selene hostage, if you wanted me to be a part of her life you might have brought her into my life, or let me into hers, but instead you and your sister decided to place games. By the way. I learned there'll be an invasion of Canterlot in the future. Supposedly, I was prophesied to destroy the queen leading the invasion. Considering I'm not going to be around, maybe the invasion won't even take place. If it does, you'd better be on your best game. Because I am not going to rescue you and your sister. Maybe Discord might, but I am going to be free of this place, free of Celestia's little games, and free of you. Maybe I am in Hell. The way I've been treated sure points that way. Enough good people to think I might build something and give me hope, only to have someone a lot more powerful steal it all away. If the game is to play take away, I'll throw it all in the fire and walk away."

      "Are you going to burn down your house, your library?" Luna asked.

      "Why should I? I could give you every secret I know, and a hundred years, and what would you make of it?" faux-Celestia asked, "You and your sister, not a thing. Maybe some of your subjects might, but that's just hoping."

      "If you hate us so much why don't you just leave?" Luna demanded.

      "Why leave, when you can be thrown out. Like I said, politics. 'Celestia' beat the griffon's challenge so badly no one will ever try that again, and in reply, the griffons' food supply mushrooms over night. Then with the diarchy having sole rights to determine my fate, they exile me. No other nation will touch me as long as I live."

      "Why do you sound happy about that?" Luna asked, "Not happy, triumphant."

      "Because I win. If you can't see that, then nothing I can do will make it clear. You have the perfect balance you wanted. Exact parity with your beloved sister, not a single hoof step ahead. And the one thing that might have cast your sister down, or catapulted you ahead, gone," faux-Celestia said, still in a jovial tone, "Congratulations. You'll get exactly what you want, in exactly the way you want it. Not many get such a wish granted."

      Faux-Celestia turned to the girl and the pegasus. "Thank you for the tea. I'll miss this place. Remember what I said." She stood and left.

      Luna bowed and followed her.

      "What now?" Luna demanded.

      "That's no longer your concern," faux-Celestia said, she whistled a song as she walked.

      Despite the jaunty attitude, the song sounded more like a dirge.

      "What is that?" she asked.

      "It's called 'Yesterday' by the Beatles. You can ask Princess Celestia for the words," faux-Celestia said and began whistling the sad, but catchy tune as they two alicorns walked back to the throne room.
------------------------------

      Blueblood noted the mine advancing steadily. The guards on the palisade might as well have been blind and deaf. He felt exhausted after the day's shows, casting the concealment spells and going over the details of the plan to find any flaws he, Trixie or the Big Guy had missed.

      He could just hurl rocks at them from here, but he won't. I wonder why? To safe guard the hostages? To prove something to somepony? Theater? Blueblood wondered. He retreated to a small shed, also concealed with the spells, to rest and sleep. The mine was well ahead of schedule despite having hit the boundary of the antimagic field and being left with swinging picks to cut through the packed earth.

      Not tomorrow, but early the next day, Blueblood thought, And then we shall see.
------------------------------

      Selene looked at the ruined blockade, and the open door at the bottom of the steps. I would never have thought to just slice through that knot, she thought, Now everyone is free to move again. But is that what mom and auntie want?

      She looked at the interior of the home. The young Earth pony doing dishes, and the older pegasus in a rocking chair. "Hello, may I come in?" she asked, she'd seen where intruding unannounced had gotten her aunt and mother.

      The Earth Pony filly looked up from her chores, and looked at Selene. The downcast filly immediately brightened. "Are you one who needs our help?" she asked as she dried her hooves and trotted over.

      "Maybe, I don't know really," Selene replied, "Your door was open, so I came in to check."

      "To check if you need help?" the Earth Pony asked and grinned, "Oh, I'm Spinner." She showed her loom cutie-mark. "He's Mister Tenth, and not in a very good mood."

      "People to have that happen when encountering the Big Guy," Selene said.

      "That's who is in Celestia?" Spinner asked. "What were they thinking? What was she thinking?"

      "I think I don't know what she was thinking, but it wasn't the best thing to be thinking," Selene said, "But I think there's going to be a lot more thinking before the whole thing wraps up."

      Spinner stared at her. "So, what kind of help do you need?"

      "Do you know any games?" Selene asked.

      Spinner stared at her and Mr. Tenth raised his head to add his stare to the mix.
------------------------------

      Sergeant Milestone was used to summons by royalty. As a stallion who'd gained a reputation for staying calm and reasonable in the face of nearly any provocation, he was often called upon to back up more hot-headed officers, or on extremely delicate missions.

      He had never expected the particular mission from Princess Celestia of all ponies.

      "It's quite simple," the Solar Diarch said, "If he disobeys, the Big Guy is to be exiled. He understands this, and the threat hasn't altered his plans."

      "Highness, are you sure this is not simply a bluff or a misunderstanding? Our languages have translation errors. Even the written cannot be translated perfectly."

      "Don't do this or you'll be punished is clear enough," Celestia said.

      He admired both her solidness, and how brokenhearted she seemed by it.

      "Yes Highness, gently, I assume," he said.

      "Firm but gentle. He's losing his home, all his friends and everything he values. Also, I would appreciate if you never brought up this before me or my sister. And if you overhear others discussing it, please do not participate. It will be hard enough, without being reminded by one who actually knows."

      "I understand, no I don't, but I will obey. I have about a dozen ponies who can help. Two days after the event," Milestone said, "That's not a lot of time."

      "It should be more than sufficient," she told him.

      "Are you afraid he'll burn everything?" he asked.

      "I suspect that he'll simply cede the home and its contents to the Apples and leave. He is very afraid of me," she told him.

      "I will do my best. I thought the lad would have been smarter than this," Milestone said, lamenting that things had gone this far.
------------------------------
Day 48

      Celestia woke inside the Big Guy's mind. Discord was curled up a little ways away. It's a bit strange, having him watch me sleep, yet he doesn't do anything. She glanced at the stone sentinel.

      "Are you the chaperone?" she asked. Somehow she could tell Tom had turned his attention from Discord, to her.

      "Watching out for both of you," he replied.

      Celestia glanced around, then her eyes fell on the huge drum. "Tom's tom-tom?" she asked.

      Discord was awake and seemingly alarmed. "Uh, no. Just a little joke between me and the audience. Nothing to worry about. We weren't even going to play it. We weren't!" he insisted.

      Celestia left that as an example of Discord being Discord. The drum itself was superbly made. "Can I play it?"

      "Certainly," Discord said, "She's playing it! Not me!"

      "Discord," Tom said, "I think we've beaten that joke to death."

      "With a drum to beat, you're beating a joke," Celestia said and giggled. "You always overdo it, if you learned to appreciate others' creativity, you might be happier with yourself."

      "Very well, here," Discord said and snapped his fingers.

      "What did you do to my tail?" Celestia asked. Glaring at Discord and the strands, almost braids, her tail had been converted into.

      "Just try it," Discord offered, "Hit the drum with your tail. Gently."

      Celestia looked at him and did as requested. And stared at the drum, marveling at the sound.

      "Right back at you. There's a huge amount to learn from others," Discord said, "And I am learning."

      "Maybe I should teach you a few other things," Celestia said as she brushed her tail over the skin of the drum and listened. She grinned and levitated one of the padded mallets and began playing.

      "Told you," Discord whispered to Tom as he waited, and actually grinned. Not his often arrogant sneer, by a calm smile watching someone else enjoy themselves.
------------------------------

      With full wakefulness, Woona remembered the horrible cinema they'd watched the day before. She was still a little jumpy about loud noises. "Do you think that's how humans really fight?" she asked her big sister.

      Celly seemed more thoughtful than she had any right to be after that movie. "Have you seen the Big Guy do any of those things?"

      "No," Woona asked.

      "I've got a question for you," Celly said.

      "Go ahead," Woona said.

      Anything to distract me from remembering those poor children, Woona said and shuddered.

      "Why did he react to the cinema he bought and has presumably seen before?" Celly asked, "And yes, I'm thinking about that to distract me from how disturbing it was."

      I think I'll go back to thinking about the cinema, Woona thought, but watched the Big Guy more closely.

      "Because he was reliving some of his problems?" Woona offered.

      "Really?" Celly said, "I think we need to keep a closer eye on him. But I wonder if something else is going on."

      Woona nodded. At least something to think about, Woona considered, Besides the show.
------------------------------

      Celestia watched the Big Guy's hands go through the motions of loading the stripper clips and the magazines. If she just let it happen, the hands and fingers seemed to do most of the work. If she tried to duplicate the movements, the motions were clumsy. She was taking all these as ready ammunition. She had some food and water, a spare set of socks, and some warmer clothes.

      He's going to do something, probably today or tomorrow. Considering that Derpy is going on 'vacation' everything has to happen before then, she thought as she checked over the last of the supplies, If even Luna agreed to declare those villains 'outlaw' then the guard must be planning to move. And he doesn't seem to know or care what a risk open combat is. He's heard the Hearths Warming Eve stories, he knows what a major field action would mean, and yet, he's planning something. I have to be there.

      Once out in the corridor to Ponyville, she saw Hotaru, Celly and Woona waiting. None of them seemed likely to be put off, and all were equipped for a journey. "I guess I can't put anything over on you."

      "Hardly," Hotaru said, "You aren't going to charge off into danger, without us. We've all heard about Nistag's anti-alicorn monster, and how you tripped it."

      The stallion-sized dog that had once been Nightmare approached. "You've been acting more crazy that usual. Even your scent is filled with fear and combat, without you appearing afraid, or fighting anything."

      "It's been a hard couple of days," Celestia said.

      Do they know it isn't him in here? Celestia wondered.

      "Keep your excuses," Hotaru said as she walked behind `the Big Guy` and slipped her head between his legs, dropping the Big Guy's body astride her shoulders. "You wanna get there, fine, I wanna really run."

      Hotaru walked towards the door, and out into the small park outside of Ponyville. She took a deep breath, and swelled up to the size of a bear.

      "Discord said I'd have an equalizer," Hotaru said, "What an equalizer, put your arms around my neck. Let's run!"

      Celestia barely had time to command her borrowed limbs to do exactly that, before Hotaru took off at a dead run.
------------------------------

      Once they'd left the corridor, faux-Celestia slipped through the door to the royal chambers. Faux-Celestia touched the door posts carefully and concentrated, then with the other door. Faux-Celestia watched the doors fade away. It'll take Discord himself to restore those. And by that time, I'll be long gone, the alicorn thought, and trotted out of the corridor and out into Ponyville.

      The post office was closing down, faux-Celestia spotted Derpy. The mailmare bowed.

      "Dinky and I are all packed," Derpy said, "Are you sure he'll want to go on a vacation?"

      Faux-Celestia smiled. "I think he will. History is a passion of his." She leaned down and whispered, "Or you can convince him. He's very curious you know."

      Derpy chuckled, then bowed again. Faux-Celestia smiled and turned towards her next destination, Rarity's shop. A few more little details, and then all the solutions are laid out before me. 'Travel to the Uttermost West, and the Solar Diarch shall cease to be.' I cannot believe Celestia fell for that old chestnut. Of course if she simply melted all the ice, it would have caused a global disaster. But a few smaller steps over a century, and the problem is solved. And that stupid ceremony takes the sting out of the rest of the curse. Are human lawyers that devious, or did she just have so much on her plate she never saw the simple solution? the Big Guy inside Celestia's body approached the boutique. I guess adding saddlebags does disguise Her Royal Highness well enough to keep every pony from instantly recognizing her. After all, only working ponies wear saddlebags.

      The bell rang, and Rarity called 'Coming', from wherever in the boutique she was. Faux-Celestia simply looked at the failed humanoid figure with the removable internal organs that Rarity had used as a dress maker's dummy for human clothing.

      There are a few things and people I'll miss. But if even my own mind isn't safe from plundering, I need to get out of here, he thought and turned to face the unicorn who gasped on sighting faux-Celestia.

      "Are they ready?" faux-Celestia asked.

      "Yes, I am wondering what they could possibly be for," Rarity said as the bundles levitated over, and a bag of bits levitated over in response.

      "Your Highness, your patronage," Rarity began.

      "Will not feed you or your sister, keep a roof over your head or your own creditors at bay," faux-Celestia said, "Besides the crown cannot be seen taking advantage of the Element of Generosity."

      Rarity decided to let that slide. "I do wish they'd come in for a fitting."

      "That would have ruined the surprise. After all," faux-Celestia said, "There are spies everywhere."

      Rarity giggled slightly and bowed. "Speaking of spies everywhere, there was a letter Twilight delivered to the Big Guy, she won't talk about it. Did you forbid her to?"

      Stardust Sprinkle had arrived, and froze when she saw whom Rarity was talking to.

      "No, but it may be getting out of hand. I was hoping the Big Guy would not exceed his authority, but it seems he will," faux-Celestia said, and sighed, "There's a problem that needs solving, but it has to be solved the Equestrian way, not like something out of the Classical Period."

      "Does he understand that?" Rarity asked.

      "There's understanding, and there's ignoring an order," faux-Celestia said, and passed through the door.

      The packages stowed, a quick survey of all the other items for the plan, and faux-Celestia took flight. Once far above Ponyville, the Big Guy let himself grin.

      Enjoy the accolades, and you're welcome to them, he thought as he turned towards the Baltimare woods.
------------------------------

      Captain Armor and a small detail of troops arrived at the edge of the outer works. "How can they not see us?" he asked the lieutenant with the tripod mounted binoculars.

      "This spell would fade the instant it got to the edge of their camp, but they figure nopony would come this close, and just stop," the lieutenant replied.

      Armor looked at the 'big ears' listening device and the telescopes and binoculars around him. What are they waiting for? Her Highness was very coy about this operation, and only had me bring in a platoon. That's not enough to assault these bandits, and not enough to dig them out of the old fort, if they make it there.

      "Ah, Captain Armor, you got called into the greatest theatrical performance of the age?" Captain Alfalfa of the North Border Fusiliers arrived and shook his hoof. "Crazy idea, damnable thing is it might be crazy enough to work."

      "Please give me and my officers a rundown," Armor said.

      "The Colonel cast the spells to hide all of this," Alfalfa said and rolled her eyes.

      Armor smiled, he knew who 'the Colonel' had to be.

      "We've driven a mine over from that hill right under the prisoner paddock, a few feet of earth and the wood floor are all the stands between them and freedom," Alfalfa said, "But we wait for sundown and night. We hit them in the dark, when most of them are sleeping."

      Armor groaned. "That's what she meant," he said, "You may be wondering how we're going to get the message to the prisoners."

      "It crossed my mind," Alfalfa said.

      Armor pointed to the lone Royal Guards pony marching up to the outer defenses. The pony called, "You of the Baltimare Woods bandits. I am Lieutenant Cowslip of the Royal Guard. I have been tasked to inform you that her Highness has informed the Ponyville Monster that you are no longer under her Merciful Highness' protection. To regain that protection, you need only surrender yourselves and accept punishment for your crimes. I await your answer."

      Their answer was a large net thrown over the pony, and a dozen toughs charging out and beating the pony, before dragging her into the compound. The two captains exchanged glances. They both knew there would be a reckoning for that.

      "Now we have our agent on the inside," Alfalfa said, "If they don't kill her."

      "There is that," Armor admitted, "How much trouble would we be in if we just charged that palisade right now?"

      "That palisade has a dirt mound behind it," Alfalfa said, "Your sister might be able to throw a boulder big enough to knock a hole in that, but none of us can. Without the enhancements our magic gives us, I don't want to charge that and try and get my troops over it under fire. Not when we have another way. Even if it's toss a manticore into the mine we've dug, and let it out amid the camp. Once those gates open, then I might be willing to charge."

      Armor smiled. Despite who their 'Colonel' is, having a force of pros here is reassuring, Armor thought, then watched one of the bandits walk right past the front of the listening post, and off into the treelines.

      "Yeah, they get that close, and they don't even see us. Or hear us. Considering how they stink, they don't even smell us," Alfalfa said.

      "What happens if they stray off the path?" Armor asked.

      "One of our unicorns is also an alchemist. She's got some skunk juice that'll scare off just about anything with a nose," Alfalfa said.
------------------------------

      Celestia hadn't felt like this ever. Feeling the powerful muscles of Hotaru, running flat out mile after mile, while she was immersed in the huge dog's soft fur. More importantly, Nightmare seemed to revel in the exertion. The horror of Equestria enjoyed showing off her power to the one she thought was her 'master'.

      This isn't a competition, this is the joy of exertion and displaying her power to a loved one, Celestia thought, Is this what she used to draw Luna in? Is this the tiny piece of empathy that she had with my sister?

      The dog halted at a small stream, and switched back to her smaller form. 'Celly' trotted up with 'Woona' on her back. The three of them drank heavily from the stream, so Celestia saw the bandits approach first, or she reacted to the bandits first.
------------------------------

      Hotaru had arrived at the stream in the dead zone, and was overjoyed at spotting the small pack of skulkers. Good, he's not giving anything away, Hotaru thought as the Big Guy slipped off her back and wandered a good deal more cluelessly that was strictly necessary to draw them in. Celly and Woona arrived and only had eyes for the water, apparently not noticing that the area was in a magic-dead zone. Hotaru reverted to her smaller form to conserve her considerable reserves

      I'll finally get to use that stupid speech he made me memorize, Hotaru thought, I swear, if I had to watch that dragon once more, I would have eaten the screen.

      "Oh, they must be lost," the largest mare outside the alicorn-sisters said.

      Please don't tell me that my delivery made me sound that stupid, Hotaru thought as she waited for the rest of the eight-pony team to reveal themselves.

      "Maybe we can escort them home, for a little cash," the small stallion with the mad eyes said, "Bad things live in these woods."

      He dies first, Hotaru thought as made sure the idiots were all in the clearing. Then she started laughing.

      " 'Bad things?'" Hotaru asked, "You? Ha!" She returned to her enhanced size. "I. Am. Dog!" Each stomp shook the forest floor. "I kill where I wish. I am strong. Strong. STRONG!"

      Already the fools are losing heart, Hotaru thought.

      "My armor is like tenfold shields." She bared her fangs. "My teeth are like swords." She tore a rock apart. "My claws, spears."

      "The shock of my tail." She knocked down a young tree with her tail. "A thunderbolt. My breath, a hurricane." She blew the closest back like the Big Bad Wolf knocking over pigs' houses. "Darn, I was going to tell them what part of me was death," Hotaru said in her disappointment as they ran away shrieking.

      She switched to the alien Equestrian the other three spoke. "Okay, you were right, I was wrong. That was lots of fun." She shrank down to her normal size. "But let's get out of this dead zone, before they find their courage and come back with their whole force."

      "Good thing is," Celly said, "With you and that act, I don't think they even noticed any of us."

      Hotaru grinned and trotted towards the border of the zone. She heard Celly and Woona chuckling but didn't care. It was fun, she mentally replied.
------------------------------

      The command post was abuzz with activity as the bandits' camp went to sleep. Armor marveled at the simplicity of the solution of having 'eyes on the prize' this close to the action, and not being discovered by even a cursory sweep.

      The trouble with feeling invulnerable, he thought, Makes you careless. We'd better not fall for it.

      Some distance away the orchestra was moving in. Both the regiment's and the band from the local theater. This is getting crazier and crazier by the moment, Armor thought as he looked over the camp, Even with guards half-asleep, I still don't like the idea of storming that place.

      He looked into the darkness and wondered where Celestia was. Reports had said she'd left hours earlier. Hopefully she's enacting her parts of the plan, he thought, This is too complicated. I know she'd never agree, but charging in there and busting some heads might be the cheaper and easier way to go.
------------------------------

      Celly saw Celestia and Milestone standing beside the gold chariot. The fact that Celestia was wearing a set of large saddlebags told her that something very serious was going on.

      They would have had a conniption if I'd even mentioned buying saddlebags, let alone wearing them, Celly thought.

      Celestia spoke to Hotaru, causing the dog to nearly panic. Then slowly as the explanation went on, the dog calmed down, but Celly felt her anger boiling.

      She looked at what she had assumed was the Big Guy, had assumed, and now reading Celestia's lips, she knew the truth.

      "Celly," Hotaru spoke.

      "I saw it all," Celly said as she stared at the Big Guy, or rather Celestia having stolen the Big Guy's body, "How dare you? How dare you? Have you cast away all decency, or is it because he isn't a pony that you feel you have the right to do as you please? 'All the good for my little ponies', and nothing for anyone who threatens them."

      "Celly, I can explain," the Big Guy said, "It was to help him."

      "I think it's more important to change them back, than thrash the body he wants to be in," Hotaru said.

      Celly stared at the dog.

      "Yeah, I can speak both forms of Equestrian, and understand them," Hotaru said, and scratched behind her ear. She looked back at her foot, and it returned to the ground. "It's a simple mind-exchange spell. You can undo it, he or rather they can't."

      Celly looked at the Big Guy in Celestia's form. He nodded to her. "This isn't over," Celly said, "Get over there." She gestured with her horn.

      The Big Guy looked at her with fear, then at her correct body who regarded the human form with disdain.

      "All right," Celly said and let out a breath, "Woona, give me a hand. I'm almost angry enough that this might pain someone. And since one of them doesn't deserve it, I need your help."

      "Done," Woona said. The icy tone made Celestia in the Big Guy flinch.

      "I was trying -"

      "Save it," Woona cut off the human's speech, "You'll distract us."

      "No, I want to say something while you can understand me," Celestia in the Big Guy's form said.

      The Big Guy in Celestia's form wrapped her mane around the Big Guy's mouth as a gag and made a hurry-up motion with a hoof.

      Their horns glowed, and both Celestia and the Big Guy staggered as they resumed their correct minds. While Celestia was reorienting herself, the Big Guy snatched a tube from her decorative pectoral and blew a handful of dust from it into the Diarch's face.

      Celestia gasped and collapsed. Milestone charged, only to be confronted by Celly herself. The Big Guy pulled a card from Celestia's saddle bags as he lifted them off. He handed the card to Milestone after showing it to Celly. It read 'Plausible Deniability'.

      The old soldier was not happy, but accepted the explanation.

      "Lift her into the chariot," the Big Guy ordered, "Gently."

      "After what she did?" Celly asked.

      "She no longer matters," the Big Guy told her, "I know about your deal with the Seekers for the location of the Tree of Harmony. Because of that, we have options. Vengeance will sort itself out."

      Celly relented and lifted the sleeping form of the Diarch into the Solar Chariot.

      "Okay, let's go," he said smiling to them. "If you want to take it out on someone, we have a whole slew of sentries to deal with." He pulled two costumes from the saddlebags. "After all, Mare-Do-Well and Batmare are the heros we need."

      Celly and Woona hugged him happily. "It really is you!" Woona exclaimed, "I thought you were acting funny, but you were supposed to act a little funny."

      "Let's just say I was tempted to simply let her little joke stand, then I found out a few things that are going to need untangling," he said, "But in the meantime, let's go after those bandits. I've got to brief you on the effect of that field. So we've got lots to talk about and not much time to do it."

      "I thought you smelled funny," Hotaru said, "You wanna ride?"

      "No, you're going to be busy too, so I don't want you to wear yourself out. After all, if my plan doesn't work, you're going to have to rescue us."

      The big dog laughed at that.
------------------------------

      Captain Alfalfa had seen a lot of ridiculous things in her life with the regiment. She'd even started rating the 'Blueblood insanities' on a scale of 1 to 10 on how stupid they sounded. She could usually pull them into something that wouldn't be a complete disaster with a little effort, so that didn't count. Watching Batmare and Mare-Do-Well taking out the vedettes and then the sentries was about a 15, but like too many other plans from her paymaster, it was working.

      "Please tell me I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing," Captain Shining Armor of the normally rational and upstanding Royal Guards facehooved on looking through the binoculars.

      "What that Mare-Do-Well and Batmare are taking out the sentries, or the idiots inside have seen it, and aren't raising an alarm?" Alfalfa said, "Oh that's three, Sergeant I don't care how much cider a trooper's had, if anybody downs one of our sentries, I want an alarm raised. I don't care who did it: the Great Pumpkin, Slendermare, or the world's shortest Ursa Major, I want it reported."

      "Ma'am," Sergeant Brushroot said and saluted.

      "Easy Captain, you're going to throw a shoe," Armor said.

      "Captain, your regiment has a long and glorious past, much to be proud of. Those of us in 'Blueblood's Own' can only take pride in our quality as soldiers." She gestured at the scene where a bandit watched Batmare take down the last sentry, and the bandit's reaction was to scratch himself and take a piss against a tree. "That others don't, is personally offensive."

      "I assure you," Armor said, "I've never thought of your regiment as anything other than good soldiers of an elite regiment, no matter who your colonel was."

      "Thank you. Okay, that's all of them, send word to the sappers, and tell the orchestra 'two minutes'," Alfalfa said, "See? Would the guard ever give an order like that?"

      "The Guard is not out in the hinterlands fighting real battles. If the Big Guy is going in there, we're only here for crowd control," Armor said.

      "I still haven't heard how he's going to get through that gate," Alfalfa said.

      "I'm more worried about the hostages," Armor said, "The guards around them aren't gone."

      "Those are our troops, Captain," Alfalfa said. She shook her head and explained, "While the sentries were going down, they, they were replaced by a butterfly."

      Armor sighed. "When this works, the first barrel of cider is on me," he said.
------------------------------

      Celestia awoke with a pleasured cry. She looked around, and realized the cries she'd been making in her dream had been audible and worrying to her close in guards. The two armored mares kept their stoic, watchful expressions. Their spears held at port-arms. Her tail was straight up in the air and bristling like a thunder head. Her rear hooves were hanging out over the edge of the chariot. She was instantly aware of what it looked like she had been dreaming of. Pity it wasn't, she thought, He has changed so in the last few weeks. I should be jealous, but I really should be grateful.

      "Oh guards, long, hard and sharp, am I still dreaming?" she asked, and the two guards blushed from the normal white, and nearly to Cadence's pink.

      'What kind of stallion would make the 'Solar Ice Queen' make those kinds of noises?' I can practically hear, Celestia thought as she looked over the guards' stoic expressions, I wonder how far it would spread and who it would scandalize if I told them I was being spanked, and was given good advice. And by whom? She grinned at the thought, further alarming her loyal guards.

      "Just someone giving me, ah, good advice on our friend in Ponyville. And a reminder that he's Luna's," she told the guards, and watched their eyebrows disappear under their helmets.

      I can't believe the advice was so cogent, and helpful, she thought, I also can't believe we all missed it. Not good, but I will just love seeing Luna's and Cadence's faces when I tell them. I should really include Shining Armor and Sir Eagle Bell. I wonder what it would take to crack the professional reserve of those two?

      She snickered as she rose and realized that it was going to take longer than usual to get her tail in condition for her to appear in public. "I think I'll need most of my maids," she told the guards, "And the Royal Hairdresser. But I think you'll have to do."

      "Highness," the senior guard said, then looked regretfully at the junior, who took that moment to faint.

      "My mane and tail aren't that dirty, are they?" Celestia asked as she pouted.
------------------------------

      Tom looked at Discord as he fitted a new paw to his wrist. The paw that had formerly resided there rested in the glass case. "What are you doing?" the stone sphere asked Discord.

      "That hand is restricted to a single use," Discord said worshipfully as he looked eagerly at his paw under glass.

      "What could you have possibly done that would make you enshrine, what did you do?" Tom demanded.

      "I came to understand someone a lot better," Discord said in distracted tone.

      "With your hand?" Tom asked, then it dawned on him, "I really don't want to know, do I?"

      "Well, not if you want to keep the 'Everyone' rating, but it was what she, er, demanded," Discord said.

      "Excuse me," Tom said, "I'm going to go have my brain dry-cleaned. Bleach just won't do it."

      Discord sighed happily, "Ah, the things we do for love." He hugged the case to his cheek.
------------------------------

      In the bandit camp, the prisoners had been gently prodded awake. They cleared the way for the diggers to cut through the last of the soil and wood floor.

      "Everyone who wants to leave, may now do so," Blueblood whispered, "Courtesy of the North Border Fusiliers." His coat was stained to gray and he helped herd the prisoners into the waiting arms of the soldiers who carried them from step to step if they were too feeble or injured to move themselves. If anyone would later ask why he didn't claim credit, he already had an airheaded speech about standing shoulder to shoulder with his soldiers in their hour of need and enough 'glory' tripe to have even the swivel-chair hussars rolling their eyes. But I am here, at this place, at this time, he thought, And nothing is going to take that away.

      "Sir," the poor sergeant they tasked as his babysitter said quietly, "They're all in, time to go."

      "Don't you want to sortie and just give them a good thrashing?" he asked and pawed the ground. He practically heard the old veteran roll his eyes.

      "Not when someone else is going to give them a thrashing beyond imagination, and we'd be in the way," the sergeant said the magic words that Blueblood and the soldiers of his regiment had learned. If they really wanted him to move, they suggested he was 'in the way'. He'd often launch into a lecture on how a commander should leave the tactics to his officers, and retire to 'manage' the battle. "There is that. Let's go." He hopped down the hole and began hopping from step to step to descend into the darkness and safety. Despite that, he heard the sound like ripping canvas, and the splintering of wood and stone, then a second splintering. He smiled at that. The Big Guy couldn't magic away the gate, but someone could magic a big rock that passed through it and through the rear palisade.
------------------------------

      Trixie watched from a hilltop and saw the Big Guy, with Hotaru flanking him, step into the opening. The entire camp was coming awake, and because it was 2:00 A.M. and most were drunk, hungover or both, they weren't at their best.

      She signaled the orchestra to begin. She smiled. Best seat in the house, she glanced at the stage manager staring through borrowed binoculars and grinning like a foal with her first ribbons.
------------------------------

      The strains of the orchestra echoed over the bandit camp Kirk Does It Again from the episode The Doomsday Machine. The Big Guy waited near the gap in the gate, as more and more of the ponies noticed him. Their anger at being awakened rapidly changing to fear as their main gate lay wide open, the sentries on the walls missing, and a gaping hole in the palisade in the rear.

      The bandit leader shouted orders, shouted at the missing sentries and shouted about the missing prisoners. Now the bandits ran in all directions. In time with the music, the Big Guy marched into the camp. His pace exactly synchronized to the 'heart beat' of the music.

      The ponies shied as another loud trumpet stinger sounded. "The Ponyville Monster is here to eat you," Hotaru said and kept an eye out for anyone raising a bow or missile.

      The bandit leader demanded his soldiers act. But whispers translated as 'the Ponyville Monster' kept the ponies who greatly outnumbered the lone attacker from any action. Infuriated by his cowed followers, the bandits' chief, a stallion almost alicorn-sized, raced back to the rear of the compound, then charged forward. He came straight at the Big Guy. The orchestra seemed to start a triumphal fanfare.

      Suddenly the two invaders separated and the four-foot long, one-inch diameter steel pipe with a pound of lead shot trapped in it swung out. Anywhere else in Equestria but a magic-free zone an Earth pony might have had the agility to dodge, or the durability to absorb the strike and only have the wind knocked out of him. The orchestral 'stinger' didn't help as the other bandits realized their defeat was choreographed.

      The bandit chief's shoulder blades cracked on impact and he flipped end over end several times before collapsing in a crumbled, screaming, thrashing heap. His bones ground together every time he tried to move, and standing was out of the question. He tried to rise on his rear legs and fell, wailing in the agonizing pain of broken bones grinding against each other if he tried to move.

      The Ponyville Monster took a moment to assure himself that the bandit chief would not rise. He surveyed the bent pipe and tossed it away. And, in time with the music marched forward. Beginning his methodical advance towards the 'inner circle' of the bandits. Most of the low-level bandits abandoned their posts and broke for the citadel. The Ponyville Monster ignored them, advancing with his pace in time with the beat of the music. The orchestral stinger cued him to unsling his rifle. He'd cut off the deputy leaders, all clustered together, as he headed for them. The bandit leaders began backing away, ears folded and glancing side-to-side for any path of escape.

      The extended flourish, and he grinned at them, still marching.

      The relentless beat of the music and the relentless march of the approach stole whatever courage they'd had. They backed away hurriedly, seeing their 'loyal' followers melt away. The enemy ignoring the small fry to focus on the leaders. Unlike any other predator, it relished attacking the strong. Such a creature was beyond their experience.

      A flourish and he unclipped the bayonet, and kept marching. A second flourish and he cocked the bolt. The metallic snap made the expressions of pony terror grow, they glanced at each other, for someone, anypony to tell them what to do. But all of them were terrified and retreating. Ponies' social norming took over from there. If all were frightened, soon all would be terrified.

      The bandits looked at the sky as the orchestral music seemed to prophesy their doom. The Big Guy took the opportunity to slip the rifle under his shoulder and slip the road flare out of his sleeve and light it. The terrified leaders met the wall of the stockade and stood their trembling, eyes white with fear as he waved the brilliant light over his head. The brilliant light would leave an after image so it looked like he had a lasso or spiral of light over him.

      The music seemed to anticipate and heighten their terror. And still on he marched. They hadn't noticed him sling the rifle and slipping the sparklers out of his other sleeve. As they desperately tried to back through the stockade, the sparklers flared to life in both hands. They he threw them at them.

      In a non-magical area, he covered them in burning sparks. They screamed along with the crescendo of music.

      As the orchestra played the denouement, he prodded the unconscious bodies, pulled the still burning sparklers away from them and signaled the regular military to come pick them up for arrest.

      Shining Armor and Alfalfa, the regiment's leader seemed vaguely disgusted by the entire episode. The Big Guy gave a thumbs up in what he hoped was Trixie's direction. Her theatrics had made the entire thing possible, especially only one casualty.

      "I think they'll forgive me that one," the Big Guy said to Hotaru as he headed out to meet up with Celly and Woona, and prepare their attack on the catacombs under the fort.
------------------------------

      Shining Armor watched his troops binding the still-trembling bandit leaders. Their boss had been taken away tied down on a stretcher. Aside from a few minor burns, they were unharmed.

      "Tell me you do this kind of stuff in the Royal Guard," Alfalfa said, in a happier tone than before.

      "I wish we did. This was just scary. But a good kind of scary," Armor admitted. In the background the orchestra was playing the North Border Fusiliers march, and a few other patriotic airs.

      "Well, you know he's harmless," Alfalfa said, "They didn't."

      Armor nodded, and his joy evaporated as he saw who was approaching. "Ponyfeathers," he whispered and nodded to Alfalfa. The other captain grimaced. Not at Blueblood, ironically that was a neutral thing. Major Grass Lights was the center of everyone's, even Blueblood's consternation.

      "I'm taking over here, Captain," Grass Lights said, "These ponies are outlaw, we don't have to take them to the capital, we don't have to do anything. Whatever we do is perfectly legal."

      Armor bristled at his tone, and Alfalfa glared at the Major. Blueblood spoke up first, "I think Auntie would want to at least give them a trial." He grinned meekly. "We have them, it all worked, shouldn't we take them and let her decide?"

      Grass Lights glared at Blueblood, who retreated a step. "Who was talking to you, errand boy?" The major missed Alfalfa's grimace.

      Errand boy he may be, but he's the regiment's 'errand boy', Armor considered.

      "Do you think these soldiers will follow your lead? They laugh at you behind your back. They also know that since you're exiled from Canterlot, I can assert my command anytime you're out of the way," Grass Lights told Blueblood, who shied as if struck.

      "They don't laugh," Blueblood said, but bowed his head, "They're good troops."

      I would have bet money nopony could make me feel sorry for Blueblood, Armor thought as his own anger grew, But I would have lost that bet.

      "You have something to say? Captain? Sorry, captains?" Grass Lights asked. When neither spoke, he turned back to Blueblood. "A coward like you should never have been allowed on this mission. These 'good troops' put up with their paymaster, and let you play soldier. But this is real. We don't have to let the Princesses dirty their hooves with these scum. We can deal with them right here and right now."

      "That's murder," Blueblood said, more a whimper than a statement.

      "Not against outlaws. If you're afraid to give the order fop, then I will, and if any of you are squeamish, I'm sure someone will choose doing what's needed over getting a court martial," Grass Lights said and stared at Armor and Alfalfa before returning his attention to Blueblood, "I'm amazed you even got yourself dirty for this. Dirtied your own hooves with the digging, or just ordered it and hid in your tent?"

      "I wasn't hiding," Blueblood said.

      "So prove you aren't a fop and a coward, give the order. Or are you afraid of getting a little blood on you? Poison and intrigue are your chosen weapons. But this isn't intrigue, this is a clear message sent to the scum all over Equestria that even if the nobles are whimpering lickspittles, their soldiers have the guts to deal with the realities."

      Blueblood looked up at him. The beaten stallion spoke softly, "Yes, all true and I won't deny a bit of it. I like my nice clothes, and hooficures, and I prefer a polo match with my troops over digging a trench or fighting a battle." Blueblood looked at Alfalfa searchingly, whatever she looked back with, he found the strength to go on, "But there is a factor you haven't considered, thank Celestia. I have friends, not many, but one just marched through this camp while we were rescuing you. They acknowledge all the weaknesses you have so helpfully pointed out. Yet they care enough about me to ensure that I could participate in their plan. In fact, they were counting on my weaknesses to help them." Blueblood seemed to be getting a real head of steam, maybe even getting angry. "You haven't done anything that hasn't been done to me a thousand times over by nearly everyone I've ever met, even my dear Aunt never fails to remind me. As if I didn't know what a disappointment I am to everyone around me. I might as well have a 'Kick Me' sign as my cutie mark. I am a coward, I am a poof, and I am arrogant. And when faced with physical danger, I'll cry and snivel and shy. I'm rather surprised I haven't wet myself during this operation. But while you have been enjoying replaying what I've heard a thousand times before, and not particularly well delivered by you, my friends have rescued all the hostages and done the real dirty work of trapping the bandits where they can be deal with easily."

      Blueblood stood up and stared at Grass Light, as if remembering that Grass Light was a major, and he was a colonel. "Now let me tell you what's going to happen," Blueblood said, "Yes, Celestia is weak. She hates raising her hand against any pony. What she had to do to her sister drove that spike into her heart deeper than any wound she's suffered at the hands of her foes. So she cannot bear to do 'what must be done here'. And I won't order my troops to do what you say needs doing. If you are so much braver and better, be the axe pony yourself. No?"

      Blueblood stuck his nose in the air. "You bore me. I shall retire to my tent. But I will do one thing."

      "Cry?" Grass Lights said.

      "Captain Armor," Blueblood said, "I order you to assume command of the North Border Fusileers on my personal authority as colonel of the regiment." He sighed and rubbed a hoof on his chest and frowned.

      Armor looked at Alfalfa whose eyes were nearly as wide open as his own.

      "You can't do that," Grass Lights said, craning his neck to look Blueblood in the eye, but the supercilious stallion had his eyes closed.

      "I accept authority and command," Armor said.

      "A major still outranks a captain," Grass Lights told them.

      "I have a direct order in front of witnesses, through my proper chain of command, that Captain Armor speaks for the colonel," Alfalfa said, "If you continue to interfere, I will have to place you under arrest."

      Grass Lights stared at the pair, having failed to get Blueblood to even look at him. He smiled. "You wouldn't dare, your career would be over."

      In the distance the two captains saw Celestia's chariot landing and the Solar Diarch disembark. Neither Grass Lights nor Blueblood had seen her.

      "We could always use another captain," Blueblood offered, "Then we could have a whole brigade, and I'd be brigadier. Both of you might make excellent colonels."

      "Sir," Armor said, "I suggest you return to the medical teams. It is clear your captivity has put you under undue strain."

      Grass Lights looked at Armor, then whipped around to look at Celestia and Milestone. "Fine, this round goes to you," he said, and hissed in Blueblood's ear, "And you, you useless fop."

      Grass Lights was escorted away by two soldiers. Celestia beamed at the three soldiers and trotted towards them.

      "Is he gone?" Blueblood asked.

      "Real gone," Armor said, and watched Blueblood faint.

      Celestia grimaced, then bowed her head and facehoofed.

      "You still have command of the regiment, and I think summary executions of the prisoners are off the table," Alfalfa said.

      "What exactly is going on?" Celestia asked. An explosion near the ruins cut off their replies.

      As they headed over to investigate, Milestone headed back to the chariot with a downcast expression.
------------------------------

      Celly looked around the mound that the old fort had been built into. The Big Guy had just dropped a lit firework into one of the four vent holes, and it had detonated with a bang easily heard outside on the mound. "Depth charges," Celly said as the smoke rose from the vent into the ruin's catacombs.

      "Exactly," the Big Guy said, "You saw how the ponies reacted to a depth charging attack on screen, imagine how they'll react to an actual one they're under."

      Hotaru returned from her job. "They've reinforced the barricade, so what those ponies thought would prevent ponies from getting in, now prevents them from getting out." She grinned. "Clever. How long are we going to keep them down there?"

      "I think after three hours, they should be ready to surrender," the Big Guy said and rolled a set of dice. "Okay, one charge in vent hole three, a banger, in 23 minutes."

      "All that from a die roll?" Celly asked.

      "It has to be random," the Big Guy said, "You ponies are worse affected by random behavior than ordered behavior. The one attack an hour trick in The Enemy Below wouldn't be as effective as this. Or I'm wrong, but I doubt they'll weather the action too much, after all, they were pretty shaken up when they ran in there. Knowing they still aren't safe will prey on their nerves."

      " 'They may come up and surrender, or at least shoot it out with us'," Woona said, "Quite a nightmare you've caught them up in."

      "Better these, than the alternative," the Big Guy said, "For everybody."

      "Since we have some time, what say we give Celestia what for?" Celly asked and pawed the ground angrily.

      "What for?" the Big Guy asked, "She's the lawful ruler, anything and everything in Equestria is hers. She merely extended it further than she usually does. Unless you plan to take the kingdom from her in a coup, you're better off letting it lie. I have a plan, but we'll need good timing to carry it out, and when Milestone left in the chariot, he set the wheels in motion. By midday tomorrow, there will be a triumphal parade marching the dazed prisoners through Ponyville, and the full power of the Ponyville Monster will be seen and understood by all."

      "You think that will affect Celestia?" Celly asked, "It wouldn't affect me."

      "Oh ye of little faith." He patted Celly's cheek. "I have already cast my barbs into her Highness, and as she moves, she will feel them all," he said, "It's us getting out of the way of the reprisal that will take the doing."

      "Care to share?" Woona asked.

      "Certainly, I am going to destroy her, by heaping her with accolades," the Big Guy said, and grinned.

      "That doesn't help me at all," Woona admitted.

      "Watch and learn," the Big Guy said and scratched Woona behind the ears.
------------------------------

      Armor shied away from the entryway into the catacombs. The cries from the bandits to accept their surrender, have mercy, and let them out poured out piteous and unceasing. Armor had gone to plead, or demand the Big Guy cease, but he'd been adamant that three hours minimum would be required. There were at least fifteen minutes to go, as he and each of his associates dumped a smoke bomb down all four of the air vents.

      "Gives me the chills," Alfalfa admitted, "But not half as much as going down there to route those ponies out myself. This is outside the magic zone. That trick with the pipe won't do buffalo flops down there. We're damn lucky he's on our side. Where the heck did he learn all this stuff?"

      "From battles that were enough to frighten even Discord and Nightmare Moon," Armor said, " 'I shall fight no more, forever.' We certainly haven't made that easy for him."

      "Where'd you hear that?" Alfalfa asked.

      "From her Highness when she briefed me and the team on this mission," Armor admitted, "To have seen such Hell, and just want some peace. That's what Equestria's supposed to be about."

      "If you believe that, come out to the border marches sometime," Alfalfa said, then got a funny look on her face.

      "Trouble," Armor asked.

      "Just, we 'caught' our colonel out there in the northern patrols. Of course we filled him with hot soup and bundled him in blankets to ship back to his mommy. But, after one trip out there, he'd know how awful it was, why was it so hard to find him the second and third time? He should have been kvetching up a storm."

      "Maybe he actually believes that 'fortitude and glory' stuff," Armor said.

      "Captain, if you ever get up north, you'll learn the cold and ice doesn't give you glory, just frostbite, snowblindness, and frozen piles," Alfalfa said.

      Armor and Alfalfa tried to fix the captain's comment with everything everyone 'knew' about the prissy, self-absorbed clothes horse who was still Canterlot's most eligible bachelor.

      The Big Guy had to wake them up from their brain freeze to tell them they could release the prisoners.
------------------------------

      Celestia watched the bandits come out of the catacombs they had thought were an absolute defense. The mighty whimpered and the foals cried out at the sight of all the guards. She watched Armor, Alfalfa, even Blueblood simply asking if they surrendered, then putting them under arrest and thus under Princess Celestia's personal protection. Often the succored rushed to her and offered thanks, praise and pleas to keep the Ponyville Monster away from them.

      Over and over, "I promise," she said, and let the guards escort them away.

      The Big Guy and his partners had made themselves scarce as soon as the three-hour bombardment ended.

      Aside from the smell of smoke and fireworks, they are untouched, Celestia thought of the collection she had left alone when the military leaders had told her the cost of defeating them, especially the cost to any hostages they might have held. Yet, with more 'stage magic' than real magic, they are defeated and even eager to rejoin pony society. I owe them all a great deal of thanks. I just can't bring myself to give my blessings to such an operation.

      She looked at the guards, and their pity for ponies who would have fought them tooth and hoof before midnight yesterday. But as the sunrises, they are all alive and the threat is gone, Celestia thought, Why can't I simply accept and get beyond this?
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      The Big Guy collected Celly, Woona and Hotaru and led them back to where Trixie waited. The mare was away from the others, and had tears running down her cheeks.

      "She asked if she will ever see you again," Discord said, seconded a few moments later by Hotaru.

      He nodded and hugged her. She nuzzled him gently and held him for a long while. When she broke away, she moved to and hugged Celly, Woona and even Hotaru. The dog looked at her strangely but seemed to enjoy the affection.

      Trixie wiped her eyes and took up her aggressive, even arrogant stage persona. She wove her arms around and covered them with a flurry of fireworks.

      When the smoke and flash cleared, they weren't there.
------------------------------

      Derpy answered the door to her home and saw . . . herself on the doorstep.

      "The Big Guy sent me," doorstep Derpy said, "May I come in? I'm here to help with the luggage."

      Derpy stepped aside and let Derpy in. "Are you Trixie? The one who was masquerading as Trixie?" Derpy asked.

      "Yes," doorstep Derpy said, and found Derpy hugging her.

      "Thank you, we were so worried about him, and then you came and he got better," Derpy told doorstep Derpy.

      "I think I should come clean," doorstep Derpy said, and in a flash of green light she appeared, "This is what I really look like."

      "Cool! A giant bug!" Dinky announced and rushed over to meet her, "Are you really a bug, do you fly, can those fangs go through stone and metal, do those holes hurt, can you look like the Big Guy, can you look like Princess Celestia, can you look like me?"

      The changeling vanished in green fire and Dinky looked at Dinky. One filly raised a foreleg and the other mimicked it.

      "Ha, you've got a cutie mark," Dinky said. The other Dinky looked, and Dinky laughed.

      Derpy hugged both Dinkys.

      "Aren't you scared?" one Dinky asked.

      "The Big Guy's friends are all a little scary, but not to each other," Derpy said as both Dinkys settled in her arms. Derpy set both Dinkys down. "So what do we call you?"

      "Sapphire Trinket, I'm a changeling," one of the Dinkys said, then in a flash, the bug-pony was back.

      "We could really use some help with the luggage." Derpy waved at the huge pile of suitcases in the corner.

      Sapphire facehoofed. "Well, I think I can change into a small elephant, even then, nopony would see me."
------------------------------

      The quartet appeared outside the door in Ponyville that led to the house.

      "What is that?" Woona asked of the sheaf of official papers taped to the door.

      "The proclamation of Celestia's heroism. It also means we need to collect Dinky and Derpy, and be out of here quickly. I've got to make a delivery to Spike, and give some papers to the Apples. Then, we're gone."

      "What?" Celly demanded, "When were you going to tell us?"

      "A few hours after you and Woona decided to tear Celestia to pieces. Unless you plan to include Luna, and Selene, and then take the thrones and their roles in raising and lowering the sun and moon?" the Big Guy asked, "No? Then we follow my plan. That's a Writ of Exile, for what we just did. We let them toss me out of Equestria to great fanfare."

      Woona and Celly stared at him. Hotaru was too busy chuckling.

      "You can come too, just because you aren't banished, doesn't mean you have to stay," he explained.

      "When did you come up with this plan?!" Discord asked.

      After I saw that little curlicue you threw into the house, he thought with a jovial lilt, then added in cold tones, And after Celestia decided highjacking my identity without even a by your leave was acceptable. I also found out what she agreed to to get the knowledge of how to stop you in the first place. That's something that needs a stake driven through its heart a lot more than your would-be girlfriend.

      Discord retreated from the cold fury of his response.

      The Big Guy walked inside, leaving Celly and Woona behind to gape at the 'charges' and the resulting justification for the Writ. They sputtered angrily as they read.

      Boy are they going to be mad when they realize I wrote that, that's why I left them off, he thought as he collected the books and took the paper he'd carefully written while he was in Celestia's body.

      He put the books in a small box and added the paper. He passed between the two absolutely furious Alicorns.

      "You did not 'draw me into darkness'!" Celly fumed, "I chose to do what I did."

      "Then I wouldn't tell her. You can come back, after you've cooled off," he said, "Besides, I wrote all of that, so you two could come back. If you wanted to."

      Celly and Woona turned on him as one. "Why would you say that we were no more than your pawns? We are old enough to decide our own fate and our own actions!"

      "True, but I need to get away from their Highnesses, and frankly, I want to hurt them both very badly. If I do that, there are very few places I can run to. Now, I need to deliver these before I run away. If you want a longer explanation, you'll have to follow me into exile, at least temporarily. If you're not here when I come back, I understand."

      He left the two, stunned Alicorns as he headed for the library. He had at least one debt he had to repay in full before he left. He watched Dinky and Derpy heading towards the door with a huge pile of suitcases following them. Ponyville, he thought and knocked on the library's door.

      Spike hadn't been expecting him of all people to be arriving at the library. The letter and the gift of the books seemed to surprise the little dragon. Spike read the letter, the Big Guy could almost gauge where he was in the text by his reactions.
Spike,

      Enclosed are several books on dragons from my world. Understand, that all dragons in my world are fictional. But they still span the spectrum from the blackest-hearted villains, to the most upstanding of heros. Most importantly though it talks about dragons being who they choose to be. In that way, you are like me, a human. Neither of us have cutie-marks to direct us in our destiny, nor do we have it to leash us to anything. We can be saint or monster, we can be scholar or athlete, we can be scientist, poet, philosopher or fool.

      Spike, we can be all of those things if we choose. And we are allowed to choose year by year, day by day, moment to moment. We can be anything. There is no 'right' way to be a human. There is no 'right' way to be a dragon. Read the books, and decide what you want. Then stand with your friends, or stand alone. Study philosophy, or the migration or birds, or ice cream, or all of it. No matter what you do, some will support and applaud, others will try to tear you down. Accept that who you are is only dependant on whom you want to be, and the only failure is to fail to be a better you than you were the day before.

      There are dozens of books on philosophy in my library, and all ask the question of man's relation to the world, to his fellow man, and to the powers that be. But all of them expect and demand that a person keep asking questions, and from those questions become better than they were. Accept that you will never know how to 'be a dragon', because no dragon knows how to be a dragon, they already are. Everything they do is being a dragon, and the same goes for you. Everything you do, is what a dragon does, because a dragon (you) is doing it. But never flag in your desire to 'be a better Spike'. In the quiet times, you can look back on your path, and you will see where you stumbled and fell, you will see where you despaired, but you will also see all of those with the eyes of one who survived and prevailed, even if you ran away at the time.

      Good luck on your quest, I envy you your uncertainty.
The Big Guy.


      At Spike's signal, he knelt to let the little dragon hug him. He didn't know if Spike was thanking him, or telling him he was crazy, but he accepted either. They parted and Spike was already starting to look at the volumes he'd been given.
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      Celly was in a fury when the Big Guy returned. Several other ponies had glimpsed the paperwork attached to both sides of the door, and run off. Hotaru had brought Dinky and Derpy, and their self-mobile luggage. Both mother and daughter were clearly packed for a trip of some length. "Does everypony know about your plan but us?" Celly asked, causing Derpy and Dinky to shy.

      "No," the Big Guy replied, "Look, I'll admit, I'm angry and I'm not sharing as much as I could, and a lot of this is haphazard, but if you want answers, you'll have to follow me."

      "Follow you where?" Celly said, "You act like you stuffed Celestia's nose in a beehive and you think you can run away from her? There's no place you can go that she can't find and follow you."

      "There are places she will not go," the Big Guy said, as he hugged the frightened Derpy and Dinky, then started helping them with their luggage. For some reason they stopped him. He shrugged and headed through the door, holding it open for them, and their pile of luggage.

      "I want answers," Celly said as she followed him through the door, then stopped. "Where are the doors to Canterlot?"

      "I erased them," the Big Guy said as he closed the door after Hotaru and Woona passed through, "The closeness that Discord wanted to foster between myself and the Pony Sisters will not be taking place with the Pony Sisters of this world."

      "You're being irrational," Celly said as she entered the house and followed him through the French doors to the cavern of crystals. Normally its beauty transfixed her, now she ignored it. "Unless you attacked Luna or Twilight, she will forgive whatever you've done. That Writ is as fake as a lead bit, and you know it. As soon as she knows about it, she'll repudiate it."

      "And admit she stole my body? My identity? My life? That won't happen, not now, not ever. You keep thinking of me as equal to a pony," he said as she arrived at the front walkway of the house. "She doesn't. I'm a thing that might be a hazard to her ponies. That's the difference. She wants me gone, and I'll going to grant her wish."

      "By what?" Woona said as she approached the group, "Circling the house. If that Writ of Banishment is real, coming around like this won't have any effect."

      "Have you ever been through this particular door?" he asked, and gave his 'I have a secret' grin.

      "Until you smiled like that, I was going to say 'yes'," Woona said.

      He pulled a different key chain than the one he used to unlock the front door in the corridor. "With the key to the other front door, you'd be right, this would just be another way into the house." He unlocked the door and pushed it open. He helped Dinky and Derpy move all the luggage into the living room, revealing the rather small and embarrassed elephant at the center of the pile. He raised an eyebrow, and waved the others forward. "But with the other key, we're here." Once Hotaru, Woona and Celly were through, he closed and locked the door.

      "And where is 'here'?" Celly asked, cornering him so he couldn't get away.

      "Oh my Night and Stars!" Woona said as she stared out the French doors.

      Celly snatched the key from his hand and dashed to the doors, she gawked at the ancient cyclopean structures outside the doors.

      "Here, depends on which door you leave from. But I call this 'The Deep House'," the Big Guy told them, "Out there is Hippoastrumpolis, Star Horse City of the pre-empire. Through the big garage door looks like the ruins of Dream Valley. Out the French door of the bedroom, is underwater so I didn't explore very far. But what's outside the side door to the garage, and our real destination, is the ruins of the Classical Period Unicorn capital. Not ruins, the city itself, preserved under two miles of ice."

      "The homes of the Seeker!" Woona said, "Discord did this? Set up this second house, this Deep House, leading to all the Seeker's homes?"

      "He did indeed," the Big Guy said, "But he got one thing wrong, which my explorations hint to, but I need to prove out."

      "What's that, more important that confronting Celestia for what she did and setting things right?" Celly asked.

      "Yes, from what I can tell, the Seekers are dead, and they've been dead a long time," the Big Guy said.

      "You are going to explain how that all relates," Celly growled.

      "Sure, while were helping Dinky and Derpy unpack," the Big Guy said, "And look into something equally important: Why are there no Windingos out there? Where did they go?"