On the red leather chaise, talon crossed over paw I reclined, unsatisfied.
"Hmm." Was Celestia's ambiguous reply, but I can't fault her too greatly, I suppose. While it was I who'd turned her throne room into an impromptu head shrinker's office, replete with shelves of leather bound volumes and dark paneling accented by luminous rays cutting through the blinds and spangled with motes of dust drifting slowly through the still, silent air, I had to give her credit.
She'd taken the role on without question or complaint and sat compliant in the wing chair that had once been the very seat of power that held all of Equestria in it's thrall, now become a secular confessional for one wearily befuddled draconequus. Assuredly everypony else already knows this, but she is, in the end, the brightest and most astute practitioner of this 'magic of friendship,' notwithstanding her little protege in whose torment I had so recently been engaged. Possibly this very wisdom is what informed her actions, kept her response restrained, knowing as she did that I needed a listening ear in lieu of either harsh judgment or advice.
In truth, I think she was a bit miffed, but that was to be expected. In any case she kept her silence for such a length, lavender eyes boring through me, unblinking, that I began to feel awkward and was spurred on to continue my monologue, "Listen, Tia, may I call you Tia? I've already apologized, made amends for the error of my ways and all that sort of happy clappy trappy. I've even gone so far as to wholeheartedly accept the magic of friendship into my life, but honestly, how could I be certain that your glowy rainbow anointed student was as earnest as I?"
"Trust?" I queried, and indeed she likely would have said just that had I not beat her to it. Trust is the very heart of friendship, I've been told. The quickest way to lose a friend is to break their trust, but I'm afraid I just couldn't see it, I produced hand puppet appendages that multiplied to account for the mares who embattled me. All, save for a pale yellow one with a serene smile bordering on sadness yammered away angrily, nonsensically and I turtled down into my neck to shield me from the onslaught. Mouth barely protruding I spoke, "It's hard to trust that they're my friends when none of them seem too especially pleased when I pop in for a visit."
The nattering peanut gallery abruptly turned their backs on me with a collective hmph and vanished in a puff and I was once again armed only with my very own arms. In my talon lay the vacated sock puppet that had represented my kind friend, the only one I well and truly could believe in. With an awkward grin and a little huff I let her likewise fade back into the aether. When I looked back up, Celestia had met my eyes with a knowing look.
"Yes, well Fluttershy's different...and...and she's not the one I'm talking about, so, just don't even go there with me, Princess." I spat venomously. If only she knew, and maybe she did...but that's beside the point, "What I am trying to get across to you is that I didn't believe that Twilight Sparkle is anything in the way of a true true friend to me and in spite of what I told her up on that hill, I suppose I still don't."
"It seems to me, in fact, that I am beneficiary of the transitive properties of friendship at best. For instance, that little sewing circle tolerates me only because Fluttershy insists upon it." A tiny origami representation of her emerged from Celestia's notepad and winged it's way over to nuzzle my neck and perch upon my antler, "Rarity and Applejack..." Whose folded paper avatars crawled from behind the chaise to perch above me, looking down with angrily drawn eyes, "...Would have helped me, but only to keep me out of Twilight Sparkle's nerdy little mane. Now what kind of kindness is that? It's quite the opposite of kindness, I'd think, to represent me as a burden to be borne. For the sake of their friend only, with no true regard for me whatever." Dutiful little martyrs that they are, I plucked them silently screaming from their perch, wadded them up and tossed them in the wastebasket.
Rainbow Dash was at least honest, though tactless would fit just as well. When I conjured a sleeping version of her on my eyebrow, it slowly awoke, yawned, stretched, and instantly upon realizing whereupon she stood rather than a cloud, was off like a bolt, recklessly unfolding back into a paper sheet to slip beneath the crack of the door. I shrugged to Celestia, what more needed to be said.
From the very flowing mane of that regal alicorn, standing proudly resolute, the epitome of friendship, rose a tiny pink paper pony. Celestia quirked an eyebrow, as if to say, well, what about her then?
As with her real life counterpart, I did my best to ignore her, even when she pronked her way down into the office supplies and pulled out a notecard upon which she'd scrawled a hasty plea for my attention in orange crayon. It was most irritating the way she waved it around, hopping madly and I found that I could overlook her no longer, so I didn't. I snapped my talon and the crayon she'd been holding, a head taller than herself, grew a lit wick to become a birthday candle, since I knew how she loved parties. Then, tragically, the tiny conflagration flit from it's perch and touched off the pink party pony's poofy paper pompadour. Well, I'm afraid her miniscule mane took the rest of her with it and when the combustion was complete, little remained but a puddle of orange wax and a bit of a soot stain. Stick in the mud that she was, Celestia glared and gave me an angered little scoff.
"Yes...well...she doesn't count." I spat a puff of air across the room and even the soot stain dissipated, "Honestly, I think that pony would be friends with a bucket of turnips given the chance. I'm not entirely convinced that she hasn't suffered some type of traumatic brain injury."
"The nut of my problem..." Which was a lavender walnut which I produced by sleight of hand and rolled over to reveal a six pointed star emblazon upon it, "Is that your student, meant to embody, embrace and exude the very virtues of friendship, who if I've understood her recent leveling up correctly was given a royal makeover entirely on those grounds," The walnut grew wings and a tiara and I held it flat upon my palm for the barest second before I squeezed it in my fist with a gruesome crunch, "Not only doesn't like me, she doesn't really try to hide her distaste nor does she attempt to nurture any connection between us." From my closed palm a green tendril shot, quickly maturing into a bonsai tree of some variety or other which upon reaching it's full, stunted size, bloomed with tiny heart shape flowers which let loose an effulgent steam of sparkling pollen and tinkling notes sounding through the air. The delicate effect was much hindered by the rotten meat smell they produced. I opened my fist, splaying my talons wide and let the tree dissolve into moths and smoke which faded into the background of the dimly lit room.
"Why if it wasn't for Cadence admitting that she enjoyed her jaunt through my merrily chaotic quest, I do quite believe she would have told me off."
"It's most vexing." Now, strictly speaking I am not omnipotent. No one is so far as I've seen, which is fairly far. There are, however, loopholes enough that I'm practically unassailable by any but the most powerful magics and it seems they've been dispatched, for the time being.
"The very fact that I restrain myself to the role of merry prankster when I do so long to let my improvements reign free, should be sign enough that I am well and truly reformed and really do reproach myself most cruelly for all the minor inconveniences I've visited upon your philistines...er, subjects in the past. But I can't quash my impulses entirely, good and evil are such orderly concepts, I'm neither, it's simply in my nature to stir the pot and I'm both the frog and the scorpion, you see. You, above all ponies, must realize that?"
"Discord, that we allow you to roam at liberty though you sow chaos in your wake even now must account for something." A voice from behind me growled out, but ended in a purr.
"Ah, Princess Luna! You've been eavesdropping from the shadows. Well I do suppose that's in your nature as disorder is in mine." At least she had the decency not to invade my private dreams at night. Were she to do so, however, I can virtually guarantee nightmares would ensue. From my seated position, I looked over my shoulder to her standing by the door, taking in the situation. Her sister grunted to her in greeting.
"Indeed, I've heard enough of your mewling and the solution seems quite evident."
"I'm all ears." And then I literally was.
"Cute." She shuffled her wings uncomfortably, "We've ignored your recent escapades. No permanent harm has been visited on our subjects, but all merry pranks? I think not. It seems to me that all your actions carry the tinge of a threat. A cavalier testing of the bounds to which you've been restrained and an implication that more is to follow."
From a straight jacket I bellowed, "Restrained? After all these eons I'm finally free and there's nopony in the whole of Equestria who could stand against me! Not you, not your sister, the elements are gone. Harmony is only in ascendance so long as I stay my red right paw!"
Luna strode close and pinned me with a victorious smirk, "Oh, truly? Then why have we been spared the iron grip of your chaotic rule?"
I mumbled a non-response.
"What was that, I'm afraid I missed that?"
"You know why."
"Do I? A millennium on the moon must have addled my senses. Please do explain what holds you in check."
"Fine. I-don't-want-to-make-Fluttershy-cry. Are you happy, now? It's no kind of revelation, really. Everypony already knows that her kindness is the grace that spares you all from my ever so unstoppable, furious wrath." I snorted.
"Hmm." Celestia prodded. She was an expert, a kung-fu chess master, always using the minimum amount of force to get what she wanted. In this case it was a confession and I resisted. For zero-point-six-eight-seconds. For a semi-omniscient deity of chaos, that's nearly an eternity.
I sighed raggedly and finally stood so as to allow dramatic pacing. Luna wisely backpedaled. Celestia was stoic, unflinching, the image of dignity and poise, "If you're going to dig the truth out of me, Fluttershy's friendship made me realize how lonely I've been. Oh, not when I was encased in stone. I've imagination enough to create worlds upon worlds to entertain my wildest fancy, but true friends? I've never had one before, and now she's spoiled me. I'll admit it, I want more, but if ponies only tolerate me because they're afraid of me, what's the point? It just makes me feel, so, so..."
"Vulnerable?" Luna asked, a hoof upon my shoulder and I nodded, "It's to be understood, and we do." She looked to her sister whose eyes showed assent, "It can't be easy for you to trust anypony, but you cannot expect them to trust you if they feel their lives and homes are always in jeopardy when you come near."
"...And, again, friendship is founded on trust. Yes, I see your point. Maybe I could stand to tone it down, just a scosche." I held my talons an indeterminate breadth apart.
"Indeed."
"It does so hinder my chaotic vision if I've got to let everypony in on the gag beforehand." I grumbled.
"I know it doesn't seem like it, but working within boundaries tends to focus one's work and leads to inspiration that would have otherwise eluded you." Luna gently goaded, "Maybe just give it a try?"
"I...I'll have to think on it." I would too, even though I knew that I would ultimately cave into social pressures and become a good little lapdog. Conflicted, I was half disgusted, but I half longed for it besides. I nodded my goodbyes to Celestia, tipped an imaginary hat to Luna and departed in a puff of sparks.
I was interested in what she might say and though my instinct in this situation was to not eavesdrop covertly because I didn't want to weather the impending wrath of the lunar princess who took herself so very seriously even though she'd just done the same to me, I opted for a compromise. When I blinked from existence the left hoof guard in the suddenly restored throne room was augmented with my stylish beard and winking eyes well in view of Celestia, so it wasn't really like spying.
Much to my chagrin the dark alicorn seemed more amused than angered as she approached her sister's languidly reclining form, "I believe even you'll agree that was deftly handled, sister. Might I ask, though?" She gestured to the tentacled armchair which restrained the angrily squirming Celestia in place and held her muzzle fast, "Is this Discord's doing, or is this the sort of sport you're into these days?" She sighed in resignation as she started cutting them away, "This year has been just lousy with tentacles."
I blinked away before my laughter erupted. Even though it would be admitting what I'd done, that would most certainly be going into the next friendship report that I sent to Fluttershy.