//------------------------------// // Princess Celestia Harrasses Some Constitutional Peasents // Story: And Now For Something Completely Different // by Eagle //------------------------------// It always gave Princess Celestia a sense of happiness and pride when she toured Equestria. She did not really do it for political campaigns or inspections, usually it was just to brighten up her subjects and see just how well things were going. And things were going rather well lately; everything seemed to be working in the way it should. There was plenty of food, the ponies were happy, and she had just acquired a new piece of land for her kingdom. In fact, that new strip of land was what she was going to go through today. Of course she had not seized it militarily, just bought it from a struggling little nation with some financial issues, a nation she had rarely personally been to. She was not exactly sure what to expect there. But that is why she was walking through it now; and for the most part, it seemed normal. Long green fields and a few stubble hills here and there made it a lovely place. All of its inhabitants had knowledge of the transaction, and did not seem to oppose it. Everything about it looked excellent; the only thing she was not aware of was a small stone castle a short ways off. She was not told of it beforehand. Perhaps some of locals knew who the structure belonged to. “Excuse me, old lady,” she called to a peasant pulling a cart. “Who’s-wait, what are you?” She noticed that the peasant was not a pony, but some kind of strange new creature. “What I am? What do ya mean what I am!?” he yelled. “I’m not a bloody lady, I’m a man!” “Well, I apologize; it was not easy to tell,” she said, keeping her composure. “But what I meant was, what kind of species are you?” “Oh what, you got a problem with what I am? You going to start restricting my rights because I don’t got four legs like you, eh?” “Restricting your rights? I assure you I am not here to do that. I only wish to know who lives in the castle over there.” “And I’m thirty-seven, for another thing!” he continued on, ignoring Celestia’s remark. “What?” “I’m thirty-seven, I’m not old!” Celestia was a rather unhappy with this one’s attitude; she only had a simple question, and now this new being was attacking her with nonsensical claims and for menial mistakes. “Well,” she sighed, trying to stay calm. “I greatly apologize for mistaking your age.” “That’s more like it. I mean how would you like it if I said you were over a-thousand?” “I actually am, you know,” she chuckled. “Oh, so you think that you seen everything because of your age?” he counter-attacked. “You think that because you live longer that you’re better than me?” “W-what!?” she gasped. “I said no such thing!” “No but you were thinking it, I know.” “Ugh,” Celestia sighed. She stopped and took a deep breath. Maybe she should just leave this strange creature alone; beyond being overly-sensitive and rather aggressive, he was not harming anything. No, this was a new subject of her land, and she wanted to take care of her subjects. She would bond with this one if it took a year. “Well, may I simply call you ‘man’?” she asked. “Well, you could say ‘Dennis’,” he replied. “Hasn’t got the wishy-washy razzle-dazzle of your pony names, but it suites me just fine!” “I think it is a lovely name,” she assured him in a motherly tone. “And I take it as my duty as Princess to know all of my subject’s names.” “Oh, you’re a princess, eh? Very nice,” he snarled. “And how’d ya get that; by exploiting the workers?” “I would never exploit my little-” “You did it by 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!” he interrupted. “If there’s ever going to be any progress with the-” “Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!” an old woman in rags called in a high voice from the dirt. “Oh, how d’you do?” “Good evening, lady,” Celestia responded. “Oh, so you can tell she’s a lady,” Dennis mumbled. “What? Did she call you a lady?” the woman asked. “It was an accident,” Celestia claimed. “I only wish to know whose castle this is.” “Who are you?” “I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.” “Princess of what?” “Equestria.” “What are Equestrians?” “Well, I am; and now you are,” she explained. “We are all Equestrians, and I am your Princess.” “I didn’t know we had a Princess,” the woman said. “I thought we were an autonomous collective.” “A… what?” Celestia asked before Dennis cut her off. “You’re fooling yourself,” he said to the woman, climbing down to the dirt as well. “We're living in a dictatorship; a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-” “Oh, there you go bringing class into it again,” the woman complained. “Well that’s what it’s all about,” Dennis retorted. “If only people would hear of-” “Please, please; I am in haste,” Celestia said. “Who lives in that castle?” “No one,” the woman answered. “Well, where is your lord?” “We don’t have a lord.” “What?” “I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune,” Dennis explained again. “We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.” “Well, that is quite-” “But, all decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting.” “That seems-” “Which is made up of a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs.” “Could you please stop-” “But, by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-” “Be quiet!” Celestia yelled, finally losing her temper. “I order you to be quiet!” “Order, eh?” the woman commented. “Who do you think you are?” “I am your Princess!” “Well, I didn’t vote for you.” “You don’t vote for a Princess!” “Well, how did you become Princess, then?” “Since Equestria’s beginning, it has been ruled by the two regal sisters who brought harmony to the land,” Celestia explained. “One, my sister, ruled the night and raised the moon, while I ruled the day and raised the sun. Ever since, I have raised the sun and brought light and warmth to the land and its inhabitants.” “Listen, having the job of telling everyone when the sun’s comin’ up is no qualification for being the leader of a nation,” Dennis retorted. “Do you doubt my powers?” “Bloody right I do!” he said. “Sayin’ that you’ve got the power to control the sun doesn’t mean you can control the sun, it means you’re a loony!” “Be quiet!” “Well, you can’t expect to wield supreme power just because you can tell when the sun’s comin’ up.” “Shut up!” “I mean if I ran around sayin’ I was emperor just because I could tell that it was dawn outside they’d put me away!” “Shut up, will you!?” Celestia yelled angrily, picking the peasant up with her magic “Shut up!” “Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.” “Shut up!” “Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!” Dennis yelled from his spot in the air. “Help! Help! I’m being repressed!” Celestia dropped the man back down onto the ground. “Bloody peasant!” she said, beginning to walk away. “Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about,” he called to the others in the field. “Did you see her repressing me!? You saw it, didn’t you?” As Dennis was running about in fervor, Celestia just decided to begin walking off. This little encounter had ruined her whole day; in fact, it had ruined the whole tour. And what if this whole land was filled with people like this? It would be rather difficult to work with them. “Ugh, now I see why they sold me this land so cheap,” Celestia sighed before continuing on.