//------------------------------// // Chaotic Plumbing // Story: Compilation of Miscellaneous Typed Scribblings of A Random Guy // by A Random Guy //------------------------------// Chaotic Plumbing By A Random Guy Warning: Fuel for dirty minds. Innocent minds shall be left unharmed. Rainbow Dash wasn’t a plumber by trade, nor did she think she needed plumbing skills since she lived in a cloud house. Her skillset pertained more within the realms of racing and sleeping. However, she did have a knack for knowing when a problem with her plumbing was going on, for she lived in the cloud house long enough that she could sense when something was out of rhythm. There are also other obvious signs to pipe issues other than sensing it, such as nearly getting mauled by giant spider legs coming out of the toilet. She was just brushing her teeth after breakfast when, suddenly, arachnid were limbs flailing about in her bathroom. Despite all her bravado, she felt that this was a job for a hapless plumber. When she described her situation to the plumbing service over the phone, they put her on hold for an hour before saying they were sending over a specialist. The specialist came. Now she was “fixing the toilet”, Rainbow Dash was told. Apparently “fixing the toilet” required a duffle bag with a variety of medieval weapons sticking out in all directions, which the specialist left outside the door. The pegasus had been waiting outside the bathroom for an hour, holding an ear up to the door for the entire duration. She was listening to the specialist’s “fixing”, which had a sound akin to an army attempting to slay a dragon. Roars and screeches frequently bombarded the other side of the door as an arsenal of battle implements clashed together to subdue them in combat. Rainbow would jump back every time something slammed against the wall. There would be an occasional pause, in which the specialist would open the door and ask for Rainbow to pass her a monkey wrench or an Ottoman battle ax. It was after an hour, and one loud BOOM, that Rainbow had to cover her ears as a final death shrill blasted its way from the interior of the restroom. Silence rolled in shortly afterwards. The door opened as the specialist, a blueish-grey earthpony with magical butterfly wings and a shotgun slung over her shoulder, walked out with the stench of victory and sewage hanging over her head. “So, what happened?” Rainbow asked. The specialist tossed the shotgun in her duffle bag. “Turns out the bugger only wanted some monetary incentive to leave, so I bribed it with bullets.” “So, it’s finally gone?” The specialist zipped up her duffle bag and flung it over her shoulder. “Not exactly. The reason you had a giant spider in your toilet in the first place was because some temporal vortex ended up in the u-bend. I got rid of the vortex, but I think little pieces of it broke off which could be temporal passages to that bugger’s nest. They’re probably flowing all around in the interior plumbing. If you don’t get rid of the pieces, then you may get oversized arachnids coming out of the walls later on.” Rainbow Dash saw where this was going. “Fine, how much am I going to have to pay you to clear it out, Miss…?” “Call me Flux. And I only work with anomalies in toilets. I have to call HQ to send in a guy to snake through that plumbing and clear out the paradox goop.” “Can you call him?” “Already did. He should be here right about”- The doorbell echoed throughout the house. The specialist walked with Rainbow Dash for the door. When the pegasus opened the front door to let the specialist out and the new guest in, she was rather surprised over who she met. “Discord?!” The aforementioned chimera, who was wearing work overalls, looked down at the resident with feint contempt. “Oh, hello Rainbow Dash.” The specialist walked out the door and nodded to Discord. “Have fun, she has giant spiders. Remember to bring out the artillery.” “Oh fun. And you remember to enjoy your daughter’s Cute-señera.” “You know I’m going to.” And the specialist flew off into another universe, leaving the dragonequus and pegasus alone at the doorstep. A freezer covered in post-it notes popped out of nowhere to break the ice. Discord leaned against the freezer as a finger from his hawk hand traced the words on one of the notes. “It says here you have a pest problem in your pipes. That’s an easy problem to solve.” A white envelope popped into existence above Rainbow Dash, which proceeded to fall down and hit her head before ending up on the ground. Written on the envelope with big red letters, the word “Evicted” blared at the pegasus. She offered a scowl to her guest. “It was you, wasn’t it? You messed up my toilet!” “Who, me?” Discord put on his best innocent face. “I don’t know why you would even suggest such a thing.” “You’re Discord. This has you written all over it.” “Rainbow, my dear, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, I couldn’t put a nest of giant black widows in your toilet. I’d be fired for it.” “Why would you care about a job?” Discord chuckled as he floated on his back and backstroked his way into the cloud house. “Even spirits of chaos need financial support in a tough multiverse such as this one. Just don’t tell the Discord of this universe I’m a plumber. He’ll never stop with the crappy toilet humor.” “Of this universe? There are more of you?” “Oh, yes, about one for every universe out there.” A cuckoo bird popped out of existence, which began to fly around and tap random parts of the room. “We even have our own bi-annual convention.” “That many Discords sounds horrible!” He swiveled a lion paw in the air. “It’s a fifty-fifty thing. Fifty of them are tyrannical overlords, fifty are obsessed with burning everything to the ground, and the rest just want to have chaos. I can guarantee you the Discord in this universe has a one third chance of being in one of those categories.” After tapping several places around the room, the cuckoo began to fly around in circles. After sufficiently making itself dizzy, it zoomed for a particularly blank wall where it splattered against it in an explosion of petunias. “Ah, I think I’ve found your problem.” The dragonequus grabbed the side of the empty wall and tore the cloud plaster off like a band-aid. As he tore, he revealed another wall made of brick. After he finished tearing, he rolled up the cloud plaster and stuffed it down his gullet. “Ah, there it is.” In the middle of the now exposed wall, there was a large metal circular door, similar to the one a bank would use. “Discord, what’s behind the door?” “Probably an army of giant mutant ferocious hungry spiders that are ready to pounce on anything that walks in.” “And how are you going to get rid of them?” Discord pulled a bunny out of the void, which he used to pull a top hat out of its mouth. After tossing the bunny out of the window, he pulled a small metal ball out of the top hat, and then threw the top hat out of the window as well. He showed Rainbow Dash the metallic ball in his hand, which had a ring dangling from the top and had yellow lettering written on the side that read “M-8008135”. After pulling the ring from the ball, he opened the vault door and tossed it inside. He slammed the vault closed and kept his back against it. “Is that it?” “Wait for it.” Rainbow Dash waited, then heard a muffled *boom* come from behind the vault. Before she could say anything, the walls around her burst apart as water pipes hidden behind them exploded and released a torrent of water, drenching the pegasus in H2O. “Discord! What did you do?!” “Hey, if this happened, then whatever was in there must be dead.” “Well, fix the room now!” With the snap of the fingers, the room returned back to normal. “And everything is fine. Happy now?” The pegasus tried to squeeze leftover water from her mane. “Are you finished?” “Not quite yet.” Discord pulled a slip of paper out of a pot of flowers on a coffee table. “This is your bill.” Rainbow Dash snatched the slip and began to read the numbers printed on it. “34 bits doesn’t sound too bad. What’s the catch?” “The catch is that I’m not ending it with a joke.” “That’s a catch?” “I have a job. There are other water systems I have to reverse in polarity in other universes. You’re not the only one, Rainbow. I can’t always finish off in a joke. Just remember to call me if something like this happens again. Have to go, adios.” And just like that, the brave plumbing dragonequus flew off into the multiverse void to fix the problems of other mares’ plumbing.