The Mailmare
By theamberfox
Chapter 2
Yes, of course, it all made perfect sense now. I am Twilight Sparkle.
This revelation actually explained a lot about my life. Most notably, it explained the nonsensical thing called sleep. Every day, when the sky grows dark and the lights begin to turn on in ponies’ houses, I start to feel strangely fatigued, physically tired regardless of what I had been doing that day. But what use was there in always tossing away the night, the beautiful starry sky, the radiant moon, the peace and quiet, and all that time I didn’t have to spend working at my job? What use was there in lying on a soft surface with my eyes closed and my mind slipping out of consciousness for all those long hours? Those questions had always left me flabbergasted, but now I felt like I finally knew the answer behind it all.
I was the normal, boring Derpy Hooves during the day, but at night someone else, or something else, took over and I became Twilight Sparkle. And this mysterious pony, my unknown alter ego that ruled the hours of darkness, was most likely going on amazing adventures and attending wild parties while I was left with only a fading, surreal recollection of these experiences. I used to call these bizarre memories ‘dreams’, but now I believe they were actually hints to my secret Twilight Sparkle life. These fabulous reveries, where I rode a dragon, ate a muffin the size of a small cottage, and battled intensely with the villainous ‘Salmonella’, were all hints to the alternate reality that encompassed every second of my nights.
But that wasn’t all. I had also realized something about the taxes I had paid over my lifetime. Why in the world did I ever have to pay taxes? Could Princess Celestia, whom I understood to be the most powerful being on this planet, not pay for our roads and racetracks? Could she not feed the poor and save the orphans from a life of misery all on her own or did she really need my two bits? I had always believed that my tiny contributions were meaningless to the princess, but now I understood. I understood that this money was not going to the princess, but instead, it was going to Twilight Sparkle, to feed her insatiable desire for excitement, adventure and what I could only assume was a prestigious and exhilarating life.
And I must admit, at first this train of thought had forced a gleeful admiration of Twilight upon me. She got to have all the fun while I did all the hard work. I longed to trade places with her, live her life instead of mine. But it wasn’t soon after that this admiration turned into pure hatred, for I began to realize that Twilight was truly an evil, despicable creature. She got to have all the fun because she was stealing all the fun out of my life and I wanted it back.
Steaming with rage, I threw the letter on top of the table nearby, ran up the stairs of my house, and darted towards my bedroom door. Twilight Sparkle only took over at night, but if I could fool her into believing that it was now night-time and that, like usual, I was fatigued from a long day of hard work, then perhaps I could bring her out of hiding, catch her by surprise and confront her once and for all.
But as I neared ever closer to the door of my bedroom, which stood only slightly ajar, I began to have second thoughts and my pace slowed to a crawl. I realized I was going up against an unknown foe and I had no idea what to expect from her, or it. I didn’t even know what she really was. Was Twilight a magical being or a wizard, casting a spell on me when the moon arrived in the night sky? Was she a ghost or an insect? For all I knew, she could be some kind of grotesque, anthropomorphic potato with a ravenous appetite for blood!
I knew that any of these things could lull me to sleep, work their way into my head and take absolute control while I lay unmoving, unaware of their presence. The very thought of a potato crawling into my head at night, digging and chewing on the soft and fragile tissues of my brain sent cold shivers down my back. My hair rushed towards the ceiling, desperately trying to free itself from my body and the perilous unknown that lay ahead. Shamefully, I too was preparing to turn around and run away, but soon stopped myself, for I knew that I had to confront whatever was on the other side of that door or I would be forever condemning myself to a life of boredom and oblivion. And that was a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.
Well except for Tuesdays, anyway. Tuesday was couch potato night and boredom, oblivion, and frightening amounts of nachos are all essential components of a successful couch potato night. But on every other day of the week, I can plainly assure you, boredom and oblivion are part of a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.
Breathing deeply, I gathered what little courage I had mustered and gently pushed the door open. It creaked loudly as it gradually swung inward and my eyes grew wide with wonder and even fear as, little by little, more of the quiet room inside was revealed.
At first, I stood frozen, fixing my gaze into the messy room. I could see nothing peculiar about the place. And aside from a creative assortment of half eaten muffins haphazardly spread around the area, it hadn’t changed much since I first moved here. The bulky white dresser now had a bright yellow lamp and a small round clock on top of it. And the window, with its flowing blue curtains pulled aside, let in a fat ray of beautiful light from the sun that fell down upon the surface of the bed, its dull grey sheets and pillows bundled against one corner of the plush surface.
It had always been my sanctuary, a place of artistic expression even, but now it was, without a doubt, a deathtrap. But I was too determined to save my freedom from the clutches of Twilight Sparkle’s grasp and so I swept away all the last traces of my apprehension.
“Oh my!” I said loudly, glancing quickly into each corner of the room. “I sure am tired from all that hard work I did today!”
I closed the door behind me and rushed to the window. And after yanking the curtains closed, I watched the beam of sunlight as it vanished completely, shifting the atmosphere of the room from a happy sanctuary to a dark and ominous cavern.
Perfect.
“I am going to bed now, for I am most certainly fatigued!”
I lifted the sheets and crawled under the mess of the covers, resting my head against one of the pillows and closing my eyes. But though it was comfortable, I refused to relax, tensing my muscles and pinning back my ears for even the slightest hint of my evil oppressor.
The gentle ticking of the clock engulfed the room.
Tick tick tick tick.
“Where are you Twilight?” I whispered.
Tick tick tick tick.
“What are you?”
Tick tick tick tick.
“Are you going to attack me?” I asked, my voice growing louder and more panic-stricken.
Tick tick tick.
“Are you going to bite me?”
Tick tick.
My eyes opened. “She’s going to bite me.”
Tick.
“YOU’RE GOING TO BITE ME, AREN’T YOU!?” I screamed, throwing off the covers and leaping out of bed. “I’M SORRY, TWILIGHT! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”
I yanked the door open, ran down the stairs and immediately crashed into the large table near the kitchen, knocking it over and sending me, the table and the letter still sitting on top of it hurtling to the ground.
Dazed and tangled amongst the wreckage of the now ruined table, I rubbed my head with my left foreleg and simultaneously looked at my right. To my absolute horror, my leg was scratched and bleeding!
“WHY TWILIGHT!?” I sobbed uncontrollably. “WHY WOULD YOU BITE ME!?”
Part of being a mailmare was getting bitten by large, aggressive dogs and animals and acquiring an assortment of elliptical red owies, so I was quite familiar with the appearance of a bite mark. But upon closer inspection, my injury didn’t really look like a bite mark. No, this owie was perfectly straight. It looked more like I had scratched my leg crashing into a very solid table, which admittedly, I had just done.
And so, realizing that I probably hadn’t been bitten and that Twilight probably hadn’t come out of hiding yet, I casually stopped sobbing and glanced to my left. Sitting amongst the pieces of broken table was a letter. It was the same letter that had started all of this and yet, it remained unopened. I was determined to change that.
Carefully lifting the flap of the envelope, I pulled out the letter and set it on the floor in front of me so I could properly read its contents.
To my faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
I’m sure you’re curious as to why I chose to send this letter through the Royal Equestrian Mail Service, but I think that answer ought to be fairly obvious. And despite the rumour that the REMS is traditionally unreliable and slow, I have the utmost confidence that they will take better care of their princess’ mail.
I’m truly sorry to hear about Spike’s rather unfortunate stomach illness. And though I understand that you’re concerned about the dragon’s health, I can safely say that I did not need to know the finer details of his experience. Not now, nor ever, do I want to know what colour it is, what it smells like, how frequent it is, or anything else of that nature. And in regards to your enquiry, no Twilight. I absolutely forbid you from writing a scientific journal, a research paper, or anything else about the ordeal. And to tell you the absolute truth, I find the notion that you even considered creating such a thing, disturbing.
At any rate, I wish Spike well. Just tell him to stop eating rocks and I’m sure he will get better very soon.
As for you, it’s quite obvious that you could use a holiday. So contained within this envelope are two tickets to the Annual Magic Users Convention to be held at 5:00pm, the 23rd of April, here in Canterlot. It is a prestigious event, reserved for only the most reputable and influential unicorns, alicorns, and other magic users. And after all the amazing accomplishments you have made, I think you’ve earned the right to attend.
Please remember to wear the proper attire for the event and don’t forget to find someone to look after Spike while you’re away.
Your devoted mentor,
Princess Celestia
There were two things that became immediately apparent to me after reading that letter. The first was that my alter ego, Twilight Sparkle, was being invited to another undoubtedly awesome party. The second was that I needed to learn more about Twilight, so that I could impersonate her and go to this party myself.
I learned that she was Princess Celestia’s student, which was a very prestigious responsibility. I also knew that she was looking after or had otherwise enslaved a dragon, which was yet another awe-inspiring characteristic of my evil counterpart. And finally, I knew that she was a unicorn, alicorn, or some other competent magic user that had made numerous significant discoveries or accomplishments.
So basically, I learned that my doppelganger was awesome. Unfortunately, I already knew that. So if I wanted to attend that party, I would still have to find out what she looked like and what she actually did. Then I could properly masquerade as her and take back some of the priceless fun and entertainment she had been rudely stealing from me.
Well, surely gathering some light information about her won’t be a problem. I have lots of time. After all, the 23rd of April is…
I looked at the calendar hanging on the wall.
…today.
Today was indeed the 23rd of April, which meant that I had less than a day to prepare for the party. It also meant that the REMS had, unfortunately, been very careless with the princess’ mail. To me, it was almost unbelievable that they had done such a poor job of delivering such an important letter, but it was delivered to the right place in the end, so I suppose it was a forgivable mistake.
Pulling myself out of the wreckage of the table, I glanced over to the clock on the wall. It was early in the morning, but I would still have to be very efficient if I wanted to attend the party. I needed to find some way to gather enough information on Twilight, disguise myself as her, and arrive at Canterlot for five o’clock.
Of course, the fastest way of obtaining information about Twilight would be to ask the all-knowing pink demon, but I wasn’t willing to risk my life like that again. Instead, I opted to ask some of the other ponies around town. If I was fortunate enough, I would still learn something about her and have enough time left over to prepare for the party.
So with not a moment to lose, I slung the mailbag back over my back, placed both the letter and the two tickets inside of the bag, and wandered out the front door. To my surprise, standing directly across the street from my house was a light blue pegasus with a striking, multicoloured mane and tail. This mare was better known around town as Rainbow Dash, vigilant spectator of the skies and obnoxious protector of egotism.
And while my description of her is perhaps proof enough, I confess I was never incredibly fond of Rainbow Dash. She was a show-off, always trying to make it look like she was better than everyone else. However, that part of her personality wasn’t actually what bugged me. It was something else, something tragic and heartbreaking that happened nearly a year ago.
I was going to the local bakery, a pleasant little shop owned and operated by the equally pleasant, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Regrettably, that sinister pink witch of a pony also worked there from time to time, making my weekly visits a life-threatening wager, but as long as I arrived during her absence the journey was always worth its weight in gold and my fear of the pink pony would quickly slip to the furthest reaches of my mind. My visits were so valuable to me because that bakery, Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s beloved bakery, was the only place in Ponyville that I could find my one true love. Inside that bakery was something so beautiful and amazing that even Celestia herself could not compare. Inside that bakery were the most delectable treats in the world… muffins.
And Mr. and Mrs. Cake baked the most undeniably scrumptious muffins! They were incomprehensibly amazing, much better than anything I had ever tasted! Soon enough, it had become a weekly necessity for me to buy dozens of these muffins in all sorts, shapes, and sizes. But it was because they were so incredible and because they had become such an essential part of my life that I always had this horrible rumbling feeling in my heart that, one day, my true love would leave me... And on that one warm, innocent summer day, my greatest fear became reality. For when I walked into the bakery, with a smile on my face and a pair of massive bags slung over my back to hold a great bounty of the delicious treats, I heard this conversation.
“No, no. I don’t like muffins. They’re totally gross!” a voice complained. “Don’t you have anything else?”
I stopped. My mouth fell wide open and my legs started to tremble. Gross..?
A voice I recognized as Mrs. Cake’s quickly responded. “I’m sorry dear, but we just don’t have time in the morning to make more than one thing for breakfast.”
“Then why don’t you make something new for a change?” the voice continued. “You could make bagels! Bagels are great and they’re so cool! They’re like doughnuts, but you can toast them and put butter or jam or anything you like on them!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Bagels!?
“Oh dear, I don’t know…” Mrs. Cake hesitated. “I think most ponies prefer our muffins.”
I felt myself relax a little. My mouth finally closed shut and my body stopped shaking, but I was still worried. They would never stop selling muffins, would they?
“Oh come on!” The strange voice persisted. “Everypony got sick last time you made muffins!”
“Well, everypony makes mistakes sometimes…” Mrs. Cake intervened with a trace of regret in her tone.
“Yeah, but everypony’s tired of those old things!” the voice interjected. “You know, I bet business would really pick up if you started baking something else. We all need some change in our lives every once in a while. I mean, you’re probably pretty sick of baking muffins all the time. I bet you would really like making something new.”
Following the stranger’s argument, there was long period of silence that filled the room. My body started to shake again. It sounded almost as if Mrs. Cake was actually thinking about making bagels! But more importantly, it almost sounded as if she was going to stop making muffins!
“I suppose you’re right.” Mrs. Cake finally admitted. “Tomorrow, I’ll start making bagels instead. It’ll be nice to make something else for a change.”
No… that’s… that’s impossible…
I wanted to say something. I wanted to scream and shout and stop her! She couldn’t just stop making muffins! But I was helpless to the cruelty of the world around me. I was so traumatized that I couldn’t do a single thing. My body froze, my vision blurred and soon enough the whole bakery faded into a bizarre darkness.
I awoke on the cold floor of the bakery only a few moments later. A rainbow-coloured pony was standing over me, looking down at me. She actually seemed worried and even asked if I was okay, but the only thing I cared about was the muffins. I asked her if there were any left. She simply shook her head. It felt like someone had kicked me hard in the stomach and I curled into a tight ball on the floor, ignoring the pony above me. My vision faded again and before long, I fell unconscious once more. And for the second time in my life, I awoke at home on the soft bed in my room with a note on my bedside table.
You must have gotten really sick from those muffins. Don’t worry. I talked to Mrs. Cake about it already. They’re not going to make muffins anymore. They’re going to make bagels instead.
Your saviour,
Rainbow Dash
Rainbow Dash… She ruined my one true love and though I eventually learned how to bake my own muffins, they were never quite the same as the delicacies that once filled my life with such immense joy. I eternally loathed her for what she did to me. Regrettably however, I needed her help now, so I put all my past feelings aside and started to approach her with a big, fake smile on my face.
“Why hello there, Rainbow Dash!” I cheerfully exclaimed, walking quickly towards her. “How are you today?”
At the moment, she was standing in front of one of the many public bulletin boards positioned around town. Typically, these were used for announcements, but ponies would also use them as a sort of free classifieds. They would put things up for sale, list job openings or ask for volunteers for help with events like the Sisterhooves Social.
“Not too good, actually.” she said, maintaining her focus on the bulletin board.
On her back was a pair of heavy saddlebags, each full to the brim with large sheets of paper. In the silence that followed her response, Rainbow Dash reached into one of the bags, pulled out one of the sheets of paper and affixed it firmly to the center of the bulletin board. She then slowly backed away and turned around, letting me see both her face and what she had just put up. She looked very angry.
“Some… jerk has been spreading rumours.” she fumed, furrowing her brow and very nearly foaming at the mouth.
Turning to look at the text on the poster attached to the bulletin board, I quickly learned exactly why she was so angry:
Rainbow Dash is NOT a fillyfooler!
This was then followed by a large picture of Rainbow Dash, passionately saluting the viewer for absolutely no reason I could possibly understand, and then some more text:
This has been an important public service announcement from Rainbow Dash!
I smirked.
“It’s NOT funny!” she intervened. “And when I find out who’s responsible for this, I… I…I don’t even know what I’m going to do to them!”
I actually knew who had been spreading this rumour, but I was definitely never going to tell her that. You see, in an effort to teach the poor, obnoxious and misguided pegasus in front of me a lesson for what she had done to my precious muffins, I had grown an immature habit of trying to get on her nerves whenever possible. In other words, I had started playing a series of pranks on her, starting with the classic ‘bag of flaming doodie on the doorstep’ and eventually working my way up to this, my most recent scheme.
I had, through my own clever means, distributed similar posters to the ones Rainbow Dash had made and posted just now. However, the posters I created said quite the opposite. They were made to convince everypony that she was none other than a jester! I wanted everypony to think she was a clumsy oaf! A clown! A FILLYFOOLER! And what a joy it was to see how angry Rainbow Dash was about the whole situation!
“You wouldn’t believe what some ponies have been asking… or doing to me lately…” the irritated pegasus continued, covering her eyes with a hoof. “This is even worse than when somepony threw a flaming bag of crap through my window. I mean, what kind of pony even does something like that anyway?”
Oh, that’s right. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the flaming bag of doodie just kept falling through the cloud that was Rainbow Dash’s doorstep. So instead, I had thrown the bag into an open window. It essentially accomplished the same thing, right?
Meanwhile, I was smirking and biting my tongue, frantically trying to prevent myself from laughing out loud.
Only adding to her frustration, and to my shear delight, a stout, pale green stallion walked by the bulletin board, stopped briefly to look at the poster, and then continued on down the street with a tremendous smirk decorating his face.
“Yeah right, whatever you say Rainbow Dash.” he chuckled, rolling his eyes at the pegasus as he walked by.
“YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE, WISE GUY!?” Rainbow Dash fumed, waving her hoof in the air and sending the offending pony scrambling away from her as if the enraged mare was literally breathing fire on his tail.
When he had disappeared out of sight, Rainbow Dash let out a heavy sigh and slowly rubbed her eyes. By now, I realized I had probably gone too far with my little joke, but it was difficult to be empathetic with a pony painted in more elaborate colours than a carnival tent. She even looked like a clown.
“You know that, even as a small filly, I’ve always dreamed of being in the Wonderbolts, right Derpy?” she asked quietly, her mood picking up slightly. “Well to tell the truth, I’m not really all that interested in being an ace flyer or an acrobat of the sky or anything like that…”
“You’re not?” I asked, honestly surprised by what she had revealed.
“No.” she answered frankly, letting a smile work its way across her lips. “I’m more interested in something else. You see, all my life, I’ve always wanted to be a real first-class player and I think being a part of the Wonderbolts, even just for a few days, would really boost my social standing, maybe give me a couple awesome stories to tell. But now…”
She sighed again.
“Well let’s just say this whole fillyfooler mishap is attracting the wrong crowd.” she declared with a frown.
“A player?” I asked, still not quite picking up what she was putting down.
“Oh come on, Derpy. Don’t play dumb with me.” she said, simultaneously smirking and winking back at me. “A charmer, a debonair, a real smooth talker… I want to travel the globe and be the kind of mare that’s always getting some of that juicy stallion rump, if you catch my drift.”
She grinned tidily, winked at me more times than I could count and gave me a few gentle nudges to the ribs.
“You want to be a cannibal!?” I asked.
The colourful pegasus stopped what she was doing and just glared at me before asking, “Is there a reason you came over here, Derpy?”
“Oh! Yeah!” I said. “I wanted to ask you about a pony named-”
I paused and cemented a sober look onto my face, taking a quick glance around to make sure nopony else was watching or listening to our conversation.
“Twilight Sparkle.” I whispered, leaning forward.
“What?” she asked.
She seemed genuinely confused by my question, but I could understand her reaction. I had even expected that kind of reaction from her or anypony else for that matter. This Twilight Sparkle was truly a mare of mystery.
I repeated, “I want to ask yo-”
“Yeah, yeah, I heard you.” she smiled. “I just don’t get why you’re whispering and looking around like that. Are you feeling alright?”
“Rainbow Dash, my entire life may depend on the next words that come out of that mouth of yours and I’ll be damned if I let you toss away my existence for another one of your childish jokes!”
For a moment after that, there was complete silence. Obviously the mare, currently in a state of shock, was finally beginning to understand the gravity of the situation. I just hoped she had something useful to tell me.
But just as she was about to open her mouth, we were curtly interrupted.
“Oh Rainbow Dash, I’m so glad I found you!” a rather timid voice sounded out from behind me.
“Oh, hi- WOAH! What in Celestia happened to you, Fluttershy!?” the mare replied, her eyes like saucers, fixated on the pony speedily approaching us.
Upset that I had been interrupted, but somewhat interested in why this pony had caused such a dramatic change in Rainbow Dash’s attitude, I turned around. Approaching us was a female pegasus. On her head and tail was that dreaded pink colour I found so insufferable, but what was more interesting was her delicate yellow coat, which was literally printed with elliptical red owies. There must have been at least three dozen of these wounds on the pegasus, but they were very small and didn’t look to be all that painful.
“It was horrible.” Fluttershy said.
Her words were weak, but hastened. A dim sense of panic seemed to weave itself into her voice as she spoke.
“I was in my garden, tending to all the pretty flowers and yummy vegetables, when something strange crawled out of the bushes to my right.” she continued. “It was a tiny little turtle, about the size of a coin, and he was slowly crawling towards me. He was just so adorable; I didn’t think I’d ever seen such a little turtle. But before I could get a proper look at him, I heard a rustling on my left and I was surprised to see that there were two more little turtles, just like the one on my right. They seemed to be multiplying. But I thought they might just be hungry, so I smiled at them and turned around to get some food out of my cottage.
“And that’s when it happened… Behind me, there were a dozen more of the little turtles and they were beginning to circle around me. Rainbow Dash, I was such a fool! Until just then, I didn’t even realize that they were snapping turtles!”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, “So?”
“And then they attacked.” Fluttershy continued softly, her eyes wide with fear. “It was horrible! I screamed and screamed at the top of lungs for someone to help me, but no one came to my rescue! No one came to save me from the turtles! I couldn’t believe it! I was screaming so loud, just like this…”
Perhaps it was because she was such a quiet and timid pony, even when describing a vicious attack, or maybe it was because Rainbow Dash was rolling her eyes and not even really paying attention, but I can’t honestly say that either of us were prepared for that demonstration. It was the most ear-shattering, mountain-crumbling shriek I had ever heard. It was the kind of high-pitched scream that a pony would let loose if they were cornered and about to be throttled by a blood-thirsty, knife-wielding maniac!
Fortunately, it didn’t last for long, because Rainbow Dash almost immediately leapt forward and tackled the otherwise quiet mare, throwing her to the ground and using her cyan coloured hooves to cover her mouth tightly. The two pegasi remained this way for nearly a full minute before the multicoloured pony was convinced that Fluttershy wouldn’t scream again and lifted her hoof off the pony’s mouth.
“I think I have rabies…” Fluttershy reluctantly confessed.
“Oh you’ll be alright,” I reassured, “they just stab you with this really big needle and then you’re cured!”
Unfortunately, I think my support had the wrong effect on the pegasus, because she squeaked and slumped against Rainbow Dash’s shoulder lifelessly.
“Oh great.” the more colourful and conscious mare sighed. “Listen Derpy, I don’t know what you want, but I don’t really have time to help you right now. Why don’t you just go ask Twi yourself? She lives in the library down the street. It’s a big tree. You’ll find it.”
After having said this, she pulled her limp friend into the sky and flew off in the direction of the nearest medical facility, the multicoloured pegasus looking as if she were having some difficulty keeping both the heavy sacks of paper and the pink haired pony aloft.
I felt a grin work its way across my face. It was time to venture into the very heart of my doppelganger’s malevolence and find the truth behind her bizarre existence.
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Author's Notes:
Hello everyone! I’ve been a little busy lately, so this chapter took a little longer to get out than I would have liked, but I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless.
I’d like to give a quick shout out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. You’ve both been a really big help with this story.
If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.
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Disclaimer:
“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.