“It’s not so bad once you’ve taken about ten breaths or so,” Churning Bag said as he trotted alongside Rainbow and her wagon. “Oh, and I’d duck if I were you.”
“Bleachkkk…” Rainbow finished retching just long enough to blink nauseously at him and utter, “Duck?” Clang! Her head collided with a large hanging mirror. “Oww!”
She leaned back, rubbed her blue muzzle, winced, and rubbed her muzzle again. Gazing up, her vision came back into focus, and she saw a veritable forest of mirrors hanging from stalactites via metal wires and rustic cables. Soon, a grand torchlit cavern stretched before her, covered all over with mirrors of over three dozen different makes and models.
“Yup!” Churning hopped ahead, his satchels rattling. “The Granite Mountain Buffalos sure do love their mirrors,” he said. “Or, y’know, just shiny things in general.” Her glanced over his shoulder at her. “And I don’t think it’s ‘cuz their vain or some such, but something else. Some really deep, intriciate, buffalo thing.”
“Oh. Right.” Rainbow grumbled as she strained to pull the cart along the uneven path in the winding cavern. “Because these guys’ culture is soooooooo complicated.”
”Watch your buffalo step, buffalo!” one of the guides hollered. ”We’re about to enter the buffalo hall of bashing buffalo, buffalo!”
“I think it was a wise mountain ram who said ‘Speak loudly but carry a tiny brain,’” Churning uttered with a smirk.
“Is this something from your uncle again?” Rainbow asked. “Cuz I get the feeling he bashed his horns one too many times.”
“Lemme ask you something,” Churning remarked. “Why are you so dead-bent on selling these guys apple pies?”
“Well, why are you big on selling them mirrors?”
He shrugged. “I chanced upon a good sale one day. Turns out these dudes really warm up to shiny, reflective thingies. So I tried it the next couple of trips, and it yielded endless profit! It’s almost as if the buffalo need to constantly see what’s around the corner of every tunnel!”
“Creepy. What’s up with that?”
“I dunno. Maybe they wanna get a leg-up on whoever it is they’re head butting next? Gotta be easy to bash your skull in if you’re prepared for it ten seconds in advance.” Churning looked at her again in mid-trot. “Now, what about dem apples?”
Rainbow sighed. “I’ve had a history of negotiating with buffalo before.”
“Really?” Churning blinked. “And you can still walk straight?”
She frowned. “Long story short, the one thing… the one single thing that got these dudes to stop waging war on a local population of settler ponies was the taste of apples. I guess I was hoping that it’d be… I dunno… genetic or something.”
“I hate to say it, girl. But unless those pies are full of reflective glitter, then I’m not sure the buffalo are gonna bite.”
“We’ll just see about… that…” Rainbow’s speech lingered as she looked up, up, up… gawking.
They had entered a large chamber with a very high ceiling. Torchlight glittered across walls stapled with mirrors and looking glasses, giving every buffalo a warped fun house look everytime they trotted about. And trot about they did, navigating platforms, indoor buttes, wooden planks, walkways, and lofty burrows. Buffalo young and old could be seen talking, snorting, and headbutting on every elevated level imaginable. The place held its own degree of majesty, even if the tranquility of the scene was shattered entirely by a cacophonous mix of snorting, yelling, and hoof-grinding.
“Wowsers. I should spelunk through caves more often,” Rainbow Dash murmured.
“Don’t get too comfortable,” Churning said, standing still and holding a hoof out.
“Why’s that?” Wham! A buffalo rammed the pegasus in the side out of nowhere.
Churning was in the right position to calmly catch Rainbow’s chariot before it collapsed on its side.
”Buffalo!”” The bison snarled into the torchlight, his horns dangling with crystals and prisms. ”Make yourself at buffalo home, weak non-buffalo stranger, buffalo!”
“Guhhhh…” Rainbow Dash trembled to pick herself up. “Seriously! What crawled up these dudes’ brain stems and died?”
Whackk! Another bison rammed her from behind. ”Take your buffalo shoes off if you have any, buffalo!!!”
“To be honest, I’m surprised you haven’t been hit more than that!” Churning said with a smirk, once again stabilizing the cart of pies. “Most newcomers can hardly trot out of this place on account of the horns.”
“Nnnnghhh…” Rainbow struggled up to her hooves, wincing “Why… hckkkt… aren’t they h-hitting you?”
“I reckon half of them know that I carry really fragile stuff. Oh! I know!” He reached into his saddlebag, pulled out a hoof-mirror, and tossed the thing at her--handle and all. “Here. On the house--since you’ve got an adorable shade of blue and all.”
Rainbow caught it by the handle in her mouth. “Mrmmmfff…” She spat the thing into her saddlebag. “Jee, thanks.” She blinked. “‘Adorable shade of blue?’” She frowned at the ram. “Look, pal, what are you trying to say--” Whamm!
”Buffalo that bags well waits for you up ahead, non-buffalo, buffalo!”
Churning winced. “Well, so much for good luck.”
“Mmmf… That’s it…” Rainbow Dash unhitched herself, zipped to the back of the cart on blurring wings and began pushing all the way towards the dark lair waiting at the far end of the cavern. “I’m friggin’ flying the rest of the way.”