Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Unfortunately, my aunt has had to attend to an emergency involving rabid comic book fanponies raging about some superhero named The Sentry or something like that. Therefore, the duty of responding to your stupid letters has been passed on to me. To say it pisses me off is a huge understatement. I mean, I could be spending my Hearts and Hooves day railing your brother till we both collapsed from exhaustion rather than dealing with your shit.
Oh well, let’s get this over with. First off, hello pot, I’m kettle. Have we met?
No seriously. Don’t you dare rant about how forcing ponies to fall in love is sick and wrong. I mean, isn't that what you try to do with other ponies and yourself? Don’t try to act like you don’t spend all your free time trying to get other ponies in your bed, you slut. And don’t pretend that other ponies want to reenact your fanfics, because I’ve read them enough to know that nopony would be crazy enough to do so.
Secondly, perhaps you haven’t considered the possibility that little ponies like those three simply want to do something nice for their teacher? The fact that you’re an egotistical bitch doesn’t mean that everypony else is going to be as selfish as you. As misinformed as the little fillies may have been when trying to set up those two ponies, there’s no doubt that their hearts are in the right place. I might even invite them over to be my flower fillies when I get married.
Finally, you really need to bring your libido under control. If you get horny whenever you think of sexy stallions, then you’re never going to get them to take you seriously. Unless you become a prostitute, in which case you could have all the sex you wanted. Come to think of it, there’s a great career choice for you.
Your sexually-realizing former foalsitter, Cadance Notevil Goodpony.
P.S.: I'll make sure to put Cheerilee on guard whenever you see Big Mac.