[Blazing's Entry]
I'm a smoker now, not a heavy one though. It helped pass time during the crazy night shift period and now I can't imagine not having a vanilla every morning walk to the castle. Since my job is very physical I was worried about side effects but it turns out most guards smoke to a certain extent and the vanilla cigarettes are made more from some scented oils than the tar and linen like normal ones.
My other voice has been bugging me way too much lately about every little thing I'm doing or thinking but I think I might have found a cure for that - a lot of drinking. Now that is something I've always despised in my father or, for that matter, everypony but I'm not acting like an idiot compared to them. Every drunk I've ever seen always made the life of everypony around miserable but not me, mainly because I haven't talked to anypony except the recruits for almost three weeks. First it was the night shifts and then...
I found out that Choking met a stallion at the party and she seemed to be smitten with him. Well, she wouldn't shut up about it one entire lesson until I flew off the handle and sent everypony home. I wish her all the best, I really do, but she didn't have to rub it in my face. Ever since then she's been spending less time at my practice sessions and every time she was there I tried to ignore her and focus on the training.
That was until she brought mister perfect with her. Apparently he's some kind of business guy and she wanted me to help him get in shape. I tried to bury the issue with rules and guard regulations about visits but I think she didn't buy it. She still comes but even less often than before and we don't talk at all.
Celestia forgive me for what I'm thinking about doing.
[End Entry]
"Another donut, Joe!" I wave at the light brown earthpony working the counter at a coffee shop close to my place.
I've been feeling kind of weak lately so I've been trying to augment my usual lackluster diet with some sugar and I'm hoping it will help. The place I found when I was doing double shifts served me well and I became a regular pretty soon. Joe's very happy about it because despite business going well, at least from what I usually see in the morning, his prospects aren't too great according to him. I believe in him though. No matter how many candy shops open in the vicinity, his skill is unmatched and his customers know it well.
"Here ya go, mister."
This time I'm not rushing for my morning lesson. This time I'm gathering courage to do something I know deep in my bones is a terrible idea, probably the worst one I've ever had and still something inside me NEEDS to do it.
What could she see in a suitpony like him? He's just a guy who robs decent ponies who work with their hooves by overcharging them on some common goods and destroys small businesses around him. I shouldn't know such things but one of the colleges I failed to finish was a business and commerce thing. This means that I know what most successful ponies in this field mean by 'friendly competition which increases quality'. Normal ponies who don't live only by ruining lives of others would call it ruthless destruction of livelihoods. Celestia's rule is benevolent but very often forgets the smallest and the defenseless who can't ask the princess for a chance to carve out a little bit of peace in this world.
I would like to say that I'm driven by some kind of thirst for justice but that's not the case. All I want is for him to leave Choking alone and even justifying that to myself is an impossible task. I may have overreacted a little, that guy is just a hard worker but...
Screw everything, if I want to be selfish just once then let it be now.
The suitpony's shop isn't far and when I'm done eating I rush there so I can get to my morning session without delay. Hopefully just a little talk will be enough. The shop has opened few minutes ago and when my entrance rings a bell over the door I catch him by surprise.
"Hello sir, what can I help you with? Hey... aren't you Darky's sargeant friend?" he asks when he recognizes me.
Good, that'll make things easier.
"Glad you remember me, nice place you've got here. So how's it going with you lovebirds?"
"Eh, I'm not sure I should be telling you. It's kinda early to be announcing anything."
"And let's all hope it stays that way," I say as innocently as possible which proves to be the greatest threat hundred percent of the time.
"What do you mean?" he reaches below the counter, either for a weapon or to activate the silent alarm.
I slam my hoof on his second front leg hovering over the counter and the crunch stops his movements, I now have full control over him as one putting pressure on an almost broken limb would have. My smile at seeing his face get paler and paler widens in response.
"Let's just say she was happy before you came and will be happy even without you around her."
"Who are you to say that?" he spits at me. I refuse to even think about it.
An idiot and it's never been clearer.
"Well that doesn't matter now, does it? There is still a lot of snow below Canterlot and the city walls get so slippery at night. Nopony would bother thinking twice about an obvious accident if it were to happen."
I can hear the wheels clicking and finally coming to the conclusion that there is enough mares in Equestria not to risk one's life for Choking.
"Alright, I will break up with her tomorrow."
"NOW!" I hiss at him and slam the door when I leave.
He will listen if he knows what's good for him.
What have you done?
Lalalalalalala, shut up. My way to the training grounds is quick and filled with me adoring all Canterlot landmarks I happen to pass by. At the moment I'd have swallowed a bottle of bleach not to hear my own thoughts.
The day passes and I'm letting the recruits go home a bit earlier as I don't really have any strength left in me. The strange weakness that's been hounding me for days combined with the blame eating me from the inside makes my legs tremble and all I want is to go home and drink myself to oblivion.
There's a pony rapidly getting closer and I realize in the gloom it's Choking. Good, now she'll have a shoulder to cry on while telling me how her coltfriend left her without saying a word.
"Hi!" I smile at her widely.
"YOU UTTER-!" she doesn't even bother finishing before she punches me hard enough to see into Luna's bedroom.
Evidently the guy has been running his mouth too much.
"Why would YOU of all the ponies do that?!" she kicks me from the side and I don't even try to dodge. Everything I was planning for past few days revolved around him being coward enough not to tell her. Then he would be gone and she would be with me again.
"YOU ARE JUST LIKE VALIANT!" she screams among other things which just flow through my empty head and keeps pounding my face to the ground while sitting on me.
That bastard? ME? I was never going to actually do anything to him and if I was then it would be only personal and without some creeps to hold my victim while I deal with him...
"AND YOU COMPARE HIM TO ME?" I yell and throw her down from me.
"Yeah! In the end ya'll are just the sam-" my hoof blazes with green fire and enjoys the hardness and weight of cast iron for a second necessary to hit her and break her jaw.
I stare at her in absolute silence with my mouth agape and eyes unblinking.
It takes her a while to stop squirming and get back up.
"Nof 'vn V-"
"Not ev'n V-"
She runs away sobbing when she realizes she can't speak properly to finish her remark. I understand her though.
Not even Valiant Charge would have done this.
Why are my eyes failing me? Why can't I breathe properly? Did she hurt me?
No... you hurt her more than she would ever be able to hurt you. And you are crying, you bastard.
I lay down on the grass to think for the first time today and begin shaking uncontrollably as it all hits me at once. I threatened a Canterlot citizen, I lost my only friend, I'm gonna lose my job and then I'll go to jail. I can't lie my way out of this because Choking will ask Luna for help and this time there will be nopony on my side, not even me. She's probably running to Sharp and Luna right now.
It's over. Nothing matters and at least I won't be alone for long which means all my worries go away for a second required for things to fall in place. I was the problem all the time and I'll be gone soon. And I made Choking cry just like Valiant did. Once again it's not about me meaning I can do one last thing right. I don't expect forgiveness, I just want to know she's happy.
The falling darkness doesn't bother my half-changeling eyes in the slightest and I run breathlessly to Choking's coltfriend's shop.
He jumps when he sees me rush in.
"Hey, hey. I broke up with her just like you said!"
"You don't understand!" I yell at him.
"What? You threatening to kill me?"
"She deserves another chance!"
"No. I can't deal with maniacs like you. I can't fight you and you have privileges over me."
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I was wrong, right? You are plenty good for her and she's perfect so don't miss your damn chance at getting a mare who made two royal guards act completely insane!"
"But-"
"The city wall jumping threat still stands, now just for a different choice," I try to smile at him but he's too nervous to take my peace offer instantly.
"Do you really mean it?"
"Yes. I will not bother you anymore and if you want, I will not even talk to her again. You have my word on it."
"Alright I will talk to her right now. You, on the other hoof, I never want to lay eyes on again."
I nod and leave the shop. There's only one thing left to do - get wasted.
After aimlessly roaming the streets of Canterlot unable to think or remember where I am I finally see a bar sign which corresponds to my mood perfectly. I also have no idea that most of my next two years will be time spent here at the...
"Sole Regret," I mumble.