I woke up in tears that day. It took all of the strength left in my body to force myself out of bed and into the shower where I spent a good hour crying again. My eyes burned as they forced out the salt-water, but I didn’t care. I kept my forehoof firmly barred across my chest, desperately trying to hold myself together. All my friends had told me to just get over it. “Sure it sucks,” they said, “but you can’t let this control your life forever!”
I’d heard that before, and the last time I’d heard it I had taken a nose dive off a cloud. This time, however, there wouldn’t be anyone to save me. The mare who’d saved me last time was six feet under in a pine box, buried under a tree on the outskirts of Ponyville. This time, no one would stop me.
At least that’s what I’d told myself. But every time I went up to the cloud and jumped I’d catch myself. I just couldn’t do it. So I just continued to be here, stuck in this limbo of loathing and hope.
I sighed, turning the knob on the shower even hotter and slumping up against the wall as the heat pulsed over me. It was going to be a long day.
LATER THAT DAY
I walked up to the familiar tombstone, pulling the flowers from my saddlebag and setting them on the mound of dirt that marked the site of my other half. It took all I had not to break down crying right then and there, but I had promised myself that I would make it through this one day. I had to, for her. Even if she would never know I had to at least honor her one last time, the mare who had picked me up and turned my life around. The mare who had let me trust again, who always saw the beauty in me even when I messed up so badly and hurt so many other ponies. I owed her at least this one day.
Tearing my eyes away from the tombstone, I looked around myself. The same tree stood behind the tombstone, gracing the clearing from shade from the scorching summer sun. The waterfall cascaded nearby, sending a cooling mist in my direction, carried by the eternal breeze circling the little meadow. Everything seemed perfectly wrong. The beauty of my surroundings only made the contrast with her grave-marker even more apparent. I had insisted she be buried here in the clearing where everything had gone right and yet so terribly wrong. Her parents hadn’t argued; in fact they had whole-heartedly agreed.
It had been only a year since she’d died in my arms. I could still remember every moment that passed between us, every whispered word, every promise I’d never be able to fulfill. I could still feel her, the way she used to hold me, pulling me tighter and tighter until I couldn’t breathe. The way she would always bump my nose when she tried to kiss me. The way her hair flowed in the wind as she flew with me, the way it shimmered in the moonlight when she’d wake me up in the middle of the night to fly because she couldn’t sleep. All the little things that she’d never do with me again.
I looked once more at the tombstone. It was simple, a white granite stone, but with an inscription that always brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t been involved in the inscription; it was her parents who had chosen it. They’d found it in some old poetry book, and thought I’d like it. Underneath her name, the stone read,
“Love is a magic all on its own. If your flames come to end us, may my tears douse the fire. But if it should pass that we both are consumed, then at the sunset of life, I’ll burn here with you”
I read over the inscription, letting the words soak into my mind. I had to bite into my lower lip to keep the tears at bay. I thought about the inscription a lot. All the flames of Sunset’s past, and how they’d always caught up to her. Her parents told me once that one of the reasons Sunset had left her ex was because he kept threatening her, but I’d never thought to ask her about it when she was alive. I look back on it now and wish I would have just ended him in that alleyway so many years ago. Actually, there are a lot of things I would have done differently…
I looked up at the little sapling sprouting from behind the tombstone, trying desperately to distract myself from the thoughts racing through my head. It was growing in the shade of the larger tree, almost like magic. I couldn’t help but feel bad for it really. It was going to try so hard to grow, but I knew that one day the larger tree would kill it off. There just wasn’t enough light for it to live where it was. I’d considered taking it out when it first started growing, but I was stopped by a peculiar trait I’d noticed. I had realized early on that it was a zapapple tree like all the others surrounding the clearing, but this one seemed to bear its flowers all year long. It even kept its leaves in winter. I’d asked the Apple family about it, but they couldn’t explain it either, so I let it grow.
It was starting to get dark now, and I knew I couldn’t stay here much longer. If I got caught in the zapapple’s appearance… well there were just too many memories that I wasn’t quite ready to face. There was just one last thing I’d promised myself I’d do. I spun on my hooves and lit up my horn, lifting myself off the ground and flying toward the sun until I spotted a suitable cloud. I flew over and sat on it, watching as the sun dipped ever close to the horizon.
I would never get tired of the sunset. The colors, mixing and mingling made my spirits soar. It was such a beautiful sight, such a powerful statement. My mother told me a story once about the sunset. She said that the sun had loved the moon so much it gave up its life every night to let the moon live. The sunset was its last show of love each lifetime as it passed away, its final farewell to the moon it loved so much. I’d always loved that story. It was so pure, so innocent, that I couldn’t help but smile. Now that story was mine. My beautiful mare had given herself so that I could keep on walking around. She had given everything she had to save me, and all I had left of her was this sky, alive with the colors that would never truly be able to capture all that Sunset was.
I watched in a tortured contentment as the sun dipped closer and closer to the horizon, the flaming sky darkening as the moon rose behind me. Just like my Sunset, this one was going to leave me behind.
I gave up.
The tears burst out like a breaking dam, sliding down my muzzle like a waterfall as I watched the final rays of light fade below me. The cloud I sat on turned black in the night sky, and I was illuminated only by the moon as I stood up on shaky legs. I was nearly blind as I stumbled toward the edge of the cloud, and as I looked down at the ground so far below a familiar numbness spread throughout me.
Down below, I could see one final beam of light strike the base of the waterfall, and I knew I was too late. The beam shattered in the droplets of water thrown up from the pool and burst into a rainbow. The sight brought with it all the memories I had been so desperately trying to avoid. I fell to the ground, pressing my forehooves to my eyes to block out the light below.
I was so busy trying to escape my memories that I almost didn’t notice the odd sensation radiating from my cutie mark. A sudden pain drew my attention, and I looked back to see it pulsating with light. It flashed in a two-beat rhythm, almost like a heartbeat. The pulse seemed to echo through my entire body and past it, into my soul. Every fiber of my being echoed back the beat, screaming for release from something I couldn’t quite grasp.
As I stood there, my entire form rocking from the beat, the light below suddenly shot up and hit the cloud I was standing on. It seemed to pass through the cloud with no second thought, and before I could even cry out it struck my cutie mark.
The shock was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. A strange heat seemed to course through me as the beating in my ears got sharper and louder. I was stunned by the overload of my senses, and barely registered when the light that had struck me bounced back downward, hurtling toward the earth and the zapapple sapling. I was freed from the spell as the light left me, but something in the back of my mind was growing louder and louder, screaming into my mind.
“So, what’s it like on the living side?” a familiar voice asked inside my mind. I froze as I registered the speaker, and took a few seconds before I could make any comprehensible thought.
“Well, uh, you’re in my head so shouldn’t you know?” I inquired.
“Good point Shiny, now let’s just see. OH MY! You seem quite shaken up about my death Dear. I do hope you’re not still blaming yourself.”
My mind went blank as the words ran through it, but only seconds later that emptiness was replaced by rage. “OF COURSE I FUCKING BLAME MYSELF!” I screamed into my mind. “IT MY FAULT YOU’RE DEAD SUNSET!”
“Oh I know it is Shiny. If you hadn’t come along, none of this would have ever happened! I would still be alive and happy, not rotting in the ground. In fact, I’m not sure why I even bothered saving you. You’re so worthless. I should have let you just jump off that cloud all those years ago!” The voice in my head was definitely Sunset’s, and hearing those words coming from her ripped me to pieces. She said it so calmly, so sweetly, that I would never have even guessed they were full of venom. I tried to back up from the words running through my mind, but each step only brought me closer to the edge of the cloud while the words advanced.
“What’s wrong Dear. Can’t stand to face the truth? Well this isn’t something you can run from Shiny. I’m dead and it’s your fault!” The words stung like daggers, and even though I knew it wasn’t real I had to beat the voice, even if it killed me.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!” I screamed into my own mind, slowly losing my grip on what was real. The cloud around me seemed to contort itself, a hole opening up beneath me as my vision blurred from the tears running down my muzzle.
The answer was almost a whisper as I backed away from the growing illusion of the cloud.
“I want you to jump.”
I watched in horror as a form rose up from the cloud before me. At first glance it appeared to be Sunset, but as it drew closer I saw its darkened features and blood-red eyes. I attempted to retreat farther away from the specter, but my hoof found only air. I yelped and stood on the edge of the cloud, mustering all the courage I could to face the image in front of me. Before I could turn to face it, however, I felt a forehoof on my shoulder.
“I said, JUMP!” screamed a bone-chilling voice. Before I could remind myself that it was just an illusion, I took a startled step back. As I lost my balance and slipped of the cloud, all I could see was the red-eyed mare watching with a smirk on her face.
“Have a nice death!” she called after me, chuckling before disintegrating back into the cloud.
The minute she disappeared, my mind freed up and let me focus. I managed to flip myself so I could see the ground approaching, but the sight only made me panic more. It was flying up to meet me too quickly, and I knew I wouldn’t have time to power up a levitation spell. I watched in horror as the details on the ground got more pronounced. It seemed as though the earth was intent on pulling me into an embrace, and it was too late for me to stop it. I closed my eyes and fell as I welcomed death’s release…
“SHINING, WAKE UP SHINING. PLEASE WAKE UP!”
No, that wasn’t right. I was dead. I was 100% dead and I knew it.
I mean, wasn’t I?
My eyes snapped open and I saw that I was on the cloud over the clearing once more. Everything seemed fine until I noticed the darkened hooves on either side of me. I slammed my forehooves to my head, screaming.
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD! NOW!”
I felt a hoof grab my own, pulling it away from my head. I looked up with rage, but the words of hate I’d been planning to use were suddenly choked down when I saw the emerald irises above me. There was only one mare with those eyes, and I’d know them anywhere. I could get lost in them any day, and that’s just what I did. I searched for anything, and thought or feeling that would give me some answers.
“S-Sunset?” I finally managed to choke out.
“Shh, I’m right here Shiny. It’s alright now” came the whispered reply.
There was a moment of stunned silence before I could speak again.
“B-But, you were dead. Like we put you in the ground and had a funeral and everyone was cry-” I was silence by a hoof on my lips.
“Yes, I was definitely dead, but it seems I’m back now.” She paused, looking around the cloud we were on. “Do you mind if we have this conversation on the ground?”
“Uh, yeah, sounds good to me!” I answered in bemusement. I felt myself get lifted gently off the cloud as I was carried down to earth by Sunset. She dropped me on my feet where I wobbled for a minute before steadying myself.
“So uh, any idea what’s going on?” I managed to ask.
“Not really, I mean one second everything was all dark and weird and the next second I’m surrounded by this really bright rainbow and I wake up on top of my own freaking grave during the zapapple sunset.” She looked at me curiously. “Do you have any idea what’s going on?”
“Well… maybe.”
I told her about all the weird things leading up to the zapapple’s appearance; the strange heartbeat in my cutie mark, her voice in my head, the rainbow hitting me, and the reason I was on the cloud in the first place.
“Hold up, I was dead for an ENTIRE YEAR!” she exclaimed, her eyes widening in shock as she received the news.
“Yep”
“And the only reason we have as to why I’m alive is that the zapapples resurrected me?”
“Pretty much!”
Her face opened up into a grin.
“What in the actual fuck is going on with our lives?” she asked in disbelief.
“I’m not really sure,” I answered, letting my own smile break through after so many months of sadness. “but you know what, I’m not gonna’ argue with it. As long as you don’t like, turn into a flesh-eating monster or something I think I’m fine with this.”
“Yeah, I have to say, it’s a lot more fun being alive than dead!” she said as she trotted a bit closer to me. “By the way, what was going on when I got up on that cloud earlier? I kept hearing you screaming at someone, but no one was there, and then you just…collapsed.”
I chuckled nervously. “That was uh…nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yeah, sure. Nothing!” she stated sarcastically as she forced me to look into her eyes. I tried to block her out, but it was useless. I could only watch as her expression switched from confusion to horror to pain, finally landing on a face full of sympathy.
“Shiny, you don’t really believe that it was YOUR fault I died, do you?”
“Well, I uh…” I sighed. “You would never have had to jump in front of that spell if I’d just…well if I’d…” I was stumped, so I just stopped talking and looked at her pleadingly.
“Come here!” she cried, pulling me into a hug and squeezing tighter and tighter, just like she always did. I was so happy that I barely heard her whispering in my ear. “Look, you can’t figure out why you feel guilty because there’s no reason to feel guilty. I made the choice to jump in front of that spell because I wanted you to live, not because I wanted to make you feel miserable. It was my choice, not yours. Why should you feel guilty about what I chose to do!”
By then the tears were flowing freely once more. I thought about wiping them away, but Sunset only pulled me closed when I tried to move, sighing contentedly when I gave in and hugged her back.
“You know I love you, right Shiny” she whispered softly into the night.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Of course. And I love you too Oh Radiance and Light of my Life”
I got a light smack to the back of the head before Sunset pulled me to the ground, rolling on top of me as she did so.
“Now we’re talking” she whispered as she brought her lips up to meet mine.