//------------------------------// // Mare Talk // Story: Amethyst Crown // by Plotbuster //------------------------------// Mare Talk "So can I call horseapples yet?" "Well, I dunno. I mean, MOONDANCER might be able to call horseapples at this point." "It was a FAZE, curse you. Young mares go through fazes. Our minds are still developing. Temporary insanity. Shut up." "Heh, sure. But really, I'm not pulling your tail. This guy totally IMPALED himself on me. Talk about penetration." "Eww. You are totally spending too much time around Cloud." "Meh. So anyway, he gets up and trots over to me all like 'I totally wasn't just stabbed in the heart, I'm a spiffy buff Pegasus, these little details are inconsequential to my stallionhood.' And I'm all like 'Buh?' And he's all like, 'Erky derk Twalaght Spurkle, yall be princess now." "He said 'Erky derk...?'" "Of course not. I was being facetious. Or something. I think that word means what I think it does. But anyway, I was like, are you damaged? I'm Sparkler, duh. I think at that point his brain might have broke for a bit." "Leave it to Sparkler to break the stallion. Did you molest him while he was comatose, you slutty filly? I told you all that time around Cloud was going to warp you into a volatile sex monster, wandering the lost byways of Ponyville, satiating your uncontrollable lust for pony juices." "Wow. You really do have a sick and twisted imagination, Moony. Cloud isn't anything like that. And I'm a young mare, developing mind, insanity, yada yada. I just waved my hoof in front of his face for a bit, then he walked off the road and started headbutting a tree. Amusing as this was, after a few, well, maybe a dozen smacks, I decided to stop him." "Generous of you." "I thought so, yes. So I grab him with my magic, and turn him towards me. He's all like, 'This shouldn't work. Why did it even work.' I can tell he's not actually talking to me. Muttering to himself, more than anything. At this point, I'm still totally freaked out. So I may have shook him around a bit." "Flexing your freakish magic muscles for the hunky stallion. You know honey, that works better when you're not shaking HIM. Maybe you're not spending enough time around Cloud, after all..." "Facehole. Close it. Like you can talk Mrs. 'it's my party, and I'll throw this table through the wall if I want to.'" "It was a FAZE!" "I can still see it in my mind. There you are, standing up, hooves on hips, head thrown back and cackling like a madmare. How did it go again? 'Moondancer has no need for such plebeian fare! Bask in her magnificence as she removes this atrocity from her sight!' Your mom looked kind of hurt. And I thought your dad was gonna whip off his belt and thrash the crap out of you right then and there. I didn't think I'd ever actually see someone purple with rage. Your dad being of a more gray persuasion most times, it was a sight." "...Are you done?" "Huh? Oh, yeah, fine, back to Promise I guess. He seemed to come out of his funk after a few seconds of my gentle shaking." "By that you mean you thrashed him about like a rag doll until he screamed at you to stop?" "...Ahem. GENTLE. SHAKING. He was more than a bit put out, I could tell. Seemed to keep throwing glances toward my back, like he was hoping I'd spontaneously sprout a pair of wings, pop on the old crown and tell him I was just joshing him. So he asks me who I am, if I'm not Twilight. I felt a bit bad about the stabbing thing, which was totally his fault anyway, so I decided to indulge him. Gave him the whole song and dance about the orphanage, the foster homes, mom. Surprisingly good listener, for a stallion." "Really Sparks? That's not like you. You usually play that stuff a bit closer to the vest, yeah? I mean, we're like, BFF's, and you didn't tell ME that stuff until we'd known each other more than a year. Getting soft on me, enigmatic mare of mystery?" "Oh, shove a hoof in it. Like I said, I maybe felt kinda bad. And he just got done telling me his frickin' life story. It felt appropriate to reciprocate. Or something. Stop snickering. I will beat you." "You liiiiiike him! His tragic story has melted your fickle, icy heart, and now your womb aches to be filled with his foals! Star-crossed lovers you will beat the odds... As he robs the cradle times, like, a thousand thousand times. You do realize that he's like, ooooold, right? If he even exists. but whatever." "You are a treacherous creature. I mean lecherous. Whatever, they both work." "I calls 'em like I sees 'em. So you tell each other your life stories, establishing deep emotional bonds. Over the course of a couple hours. And you're apparently soulbound to him? Is that a real thing? Why do all your stories make me question reality? And or your sanity?" "What can I say, I'm blessed with an interesting life." "isn't there some culture that considers that the worst thing you can say to someone? 'May you be blessed with an interesting life?'" "What? No. Maybe, yeah. So what?" "Merely commenting on the wisdom of more worldly ponies. So get on with it. You gushed all over the poor stallion, noticing all the while that he kept sneaking glances at your 'back...'" "Come on now, if anyone was gushing it was him. That came out wrong. I meant the blood!" "I don't even have to say anything. All effusions aside, what happened next? You were on your way to Manehatten, and I kinda doubt you could just drag this Promise along." "Well, not that he was giving me any choice in the matter, but why couldn't I just bring Promise along to Manehatten?" "Hmmm. You don't see any problems in bringing the hunky stallion on your trip to Manehatten? Nothing that could make that strange or awkward?" "Um, not really?" "I KNEW IT! You always said you were going to meet your glaringly obviously FAKE coltfriend on these trips to Manehatten you take. LIES! I cast thee down, mare of deception! Like you could ever get a boyfriend without binding and gagging him, and dragging him bodily to my house so you could show him off. Who was the one you actually did that with? Bale Fire, or Hay Bale, something with a Bale in it." "Mrfffhgh... Hrmblrgh mrff mrff." "Eating that pillow won't give you super unembarrassed powers. We went over this, you can't eat something and steal it's power. Stop hiding and spill it. I wanna know what you really get up to in Manehatten. Are you a filly of the evening? Drug courier? You make all those trips to Canterlot, too. Is that your illicit smuggling route? Are you Celestias secret Cake connection?" "You are a very simple filly, Moony." "A simple filly that's totally getting to the bottom of this if I have to tickle you into unconsciousness through oxygen deprivation. We both know I can. And will. Give up. Make it easier on yourself..." "Fine, you horse. I have a tutor there. Happy?" "A... A tutor. Sparks, I know you're dumb, but, you're not stupid. Why would you need a tutor?" "Well, you know I've been taking lessons from Twilight. She happened to know a mare in Manehatten that's... Very accomplished in my line of magic. She thought I might benefit from a few lessons from her, too." "So you made up a fake coltfriend to cover up the fact that you're learning how to make better pretty lights? Hey, where'd you go?" "I'm still right here." "Ah, what in Tartaurus? Oh, that is so frickin' cool Sparks! You learned how to turn invisible? Wow, that's some pretty boss magic there filly." "You think so? Well, yeah, I guess it's pretty cool. Trixie taught me all kinds of cool stuff, so far. She really knows her magic. Stuff like countering out light waves to mask your horn glow, and lots of tips on light refraction. She also knows things about Twilight that I really didn't need to..." "So... You learned how to turn invisible, and stealth cast. Are you planning on becoming a mare in her majesties secret service or something?" "I'm not planning on anything. It's just where my talents happen to lie. You know me, I'm all about self improvement. Check this one out." "OW! What the hell Sparks, you burned my mane! My bangs are totally crisped! And there's a hole in the wall..." "Pew Pew." "Celestia curse it, you do not need to be able to shoot lasers. What are you, a secret Alpha or something?" "..." "Really?" "Maybe just barely? Probably a high Beta, or so Twilight says. Umm, that's, that'scoolrightyoudon'thatemeorfearmenowright?" "Wha-? Umm, no, not really. No more than I've always feared you. I know that eventually you'll snap and go on a sexual rampage, pillaging the 'treasures' of every able bodied stallion in the area before succumbing to exhaustion, but I'm a mare. I'll just be able to sit on the sidelines with some popcorn and enjoy the show." "I see the revelation that I can now shoot holes in you isn't going to deter you from calling me a sex maniac." "What can I say. It might be repressed, but eventually that dam's gonna break." "What even gave you this idea, anyway?" "Remember all those sleepovers we've had? I'm an insomniac, and you talk in your sleep." "..." "Yeah. We've gone over this, the pillow cannot save you. And it's freaky watching it float around in the air and deform around your mouth as you CONTINUE to try to eat it. You might as well drop the invisibility spell, I can see you blushing through it. Also freaky." "Why has my life suddenly exploded with weird and embarrassing?" "Oh, come on Sparks, your life was ALWAYS weird and embarrassing. You're just only now realizing that other people know it. So, supermare, are we going to get past the fact that I know you better than you thought I did, and back to why you dragged me out of work early and bustled me up to your room? Tables won't wait themselves, and I'm already on thin ice with my boss as it is." "Let me just... Process for a sec." "Get over it. You're still the mare I know and love to tease. So, what happened with this Promise guy next? Did he suddenly sprout a horn? Tell you he was going to take you away from your dreary life as a super spy in training and plop you into the lap of luxury? Personal servants to hand-feed you grapes, give you hooficures, and he would put himself at your constant service to satisfy your baser needs?" "Actually, He saved my life." "Shut up. This is cliché and you should feel cliché. Are you just telling me this crazy story to soften the blow that you're an uber unicorn, which I already knew and never cared about? You take lessons with Twilight Sparkle, the most magical unicorn maybe ever. You went to Celestias school for gifted unicorns, and Celestia herself taught you for a while." "Just... Just the basics. It's nothing special." "Don't do that. I hate it when you put yourself down. That was special. YOU are special. You're a great mare, and you have an awesome life ahead of you, despite how crappy it started out. You have an amazing mom, an adorable sister, and if I do say so myself, the best friends a pony could have. I know exactly why you do it, and it's total horseapples. Moondancer calls horseapples. You don't know what happened to your parents. If they died, that doesn't mean they didn't love you, and if they abandoned you, they're the stupidest ponies in all of Equestria, and that was their hang-up." "It's just hard, not knowing I guess. This... This has gotten way off track. I don't really want to get into it again about that. Promise! Right, Promise. He really did save my life. He's great at telling stories. He can tell you how he saved my life. And then we totally don't need to talk about the other thing." "Frickin' sigh. Fine wondermare, is this Promise around? Let's hear him tell his tale of daring heroism, the rescue of a fair damsel that can turn invisible and shoot lasers." "Umm, right, ok then. Promise, come out!" "I find this highly undignified. And I'm hungry. You promised you'd feed me. Muffins were mentioned. Indescribably delicious muffins. Considering the conversation I've just been privy to, was that a sex joke? I do not find this funny." "Huh. This should surprise me. Does Ditzy know you have a large pegasus stallion hiding in your closet? And... Is he wearing a collar?" "It's his collar." "It is not." "He put it on." "I did not." "Well, he likes it anyway." "..." "Madness. So, this evidence leads me to believe that you may actually be telling the truth. Or you're so desperate that you hired an actor. Either way. Let's hear it, Promise. How'd you save my gal pal here from certain doom." "Feed me." "Sorry, big boy, you're not getting MY muffin." "You mares are terrible. Now feed the nice stallion before story time children." "I told you Sparks. Even he knows he's robbing the cradle. Robbing it blind." "I have done nothing untoward. I am her bound Guardian. It is my duty to protect her. There will be no robbing, of cradles or anything else." "Ooh. Shot down." "Oh, shut your pie hole. I'm gonna run downstairs and get some muffins. And maybe a pie, to plug that unsightly blemish on the natural world. Promise, be good. Moony, don't break him." "..." "Soooo... This is awkward." "All comments at this time would be inappropriate. Because I must 'be good'. Like a dog. With a collar. I do like it, by the way. Why didn't I listen to all those ponies that warned me about Ponyville? Nexus of chaos. Discord's prime vacation spot." "Are you even talking to me?" "Time to get back in the game, Promise. New Princess to protect, time to make a difference again. Princess' travel incognito all the time, it must be her. Purple unicorn in Ponyville. Evinces personal relationship with Celestia. Powerful magical presence. Circumstantial evidence makes the case. WHY DID IT WORK?" "AH, Tartaurus, don't yell at me like that all of a sudden. I don't even know what you're talking about big sexy." "Ugh. The bonding spell. It has prerequisites. She doesn't meet them." "Well, if it worked, she must meet them, right?" "... Yes. She must. Don't speak of this to her." "You are like, so damaged, huh?" "I suppose." "Muffins! Here you go Promise. You want some Moony." "Umm, no. The way Promise is going to town on those... I'm satisfied." "He's driven." "Yup." "Great form, too." "Yup." "I think I may be slightly dirtier for watching this." "Please don't ruin muffins for me. It's like all my mom can cook." "Didn't Cloud already do that?" "Oh, right, thanks for reminding me. Promise, please stop licking yourself. I don't think muffin crumbs could have possibly... Celestia help me, I was wrong..." "Well, this one's going into that special corner of my brain that I save for bedtime." "That was a sumptuous feast. Your mother should be commended for her prowess. I am sated." "Me too buddy." "STAHP. I'm dying." "Hey, you impersonated Twilight, got soulbound, then decided to wave him in front of me like a chocolate éclair. You deserve this." "I did none of those things!" "From my perspective you did. You deserve this." "I hate you both. Promise, sing us a story." "What? I have to sing it? No one will enjoy that." "Hate. Tell the story you overstuffed swan. You steroid addicted goshawk. You smell like a groundskeepers abandoned shed." "If those muffins hadn't been so decadent, I would take offense. But they were moist. And tender. And mouthwateringly delicious. I may have missed a few crumbs. Let me just check." "That's fine with me, you just go back for seconds big se-" "No no no I'm sorry I apologize. No more..." "Accepted. You wished to hear of our recent exploits, oh dirty minded one? I suppose I can pick up where I had begun chastising a tree for getting in the way of my face."