“Shoot him! Shoot him! Awwwww,” Button Mash sighed after Sweetie Belle failed to kill what was so obviously an enemy.
Caps Lock brought up the leader board and winced at Sweetie Belle’s one kill to twenty death ratio. Her only kill came from her shooting at an enemy that dove off a cliff. His death was from the fall, but it was credited to Sweetie Belle.
“Carry harder, Button!” Caps Lock shouted. There were only two minutes left in the match and they were down by ten kills. Caps Lock had failed to contribute in any way, simply following around Sweetie Belle and killing the players that killed her. Several times he had ample time to save her, but didn’t.
“What? No, those are throwing knives…yeah, they’re one hit kill…right bumper…no, that’s right trigger.” Button Mash was continuously explaining game mechanics to Sweetie Belle, and Caps Lock finally muted him.
He gave up following Sweetie and sent his character to a glitch spot. He was just going to sit out the rest of the match with his twenty kills and two deaths. With no threat of death, he brought up the leader board and waited for the match to end. ButtonMash(1) was now two and twenty.
“Oh, she got a kill,” Caps Lock mumbled, knowing Button couldn’t hear him. Suddenly, ButtonMash(1) was credited for another kill, and another. “What did he do, take the controller from her?” Caps Lock asked, watching the leader board in disbelief. There were only thirty seconds left in the match and their teams was still down by two kills.
Caps Lock unmuted Button and heard nothing but laughter coming from his friend. “Yeah! Go Sweetie Belle!” Button shouted joyously. Caps brought up the kill feed and saw Sweetie Belle had five consecutive throwing knife kills.
“That’s impossible,” Caps said. Suddenly, Sweetie was credited for two more throwing knife kills and the match ended in a victory for their team. He could hear Sweetie Belle and Button laughing through his headset.
“Caps! Caps! Watch this!” Button said as the final kill cam started to play. It was from ButtonMash(1)’s perspective, and the stallion on the screen was levitating a throwing knife in his magic aura. An enemy popped out around the corner and the knife soared into his head. The enemy dropped and ButtonMash(1) ran forward, retrieved the knife, and threw it in slow motion at the next enemy.
A collective “OHHHHH!” went through the lobby as the second enemy suffered the same fate as his ally. Caps Lock was impressed; throwing knife kills are extremely difficult, especially in succession. Not even he could do what Sweetie Belle had just done, and he only wished he had been there with them to celebrate.
The players were thrown into a pregame lobby where they awaited their next match. Button and Sweetie were still laughing and Caps Lock felt his stomach sink. “Hey Button, did you see my twenty and two?” Caps Lock asked. His words weren’t heard over the all the players in lobby congratulating Sweetie Belle.
“Hey Caps,” Button finally said at last, “I think I may have found my new teammate in the league doubles!”
“What?! You can’t replace me!” Caps said angrily. “She still only went eight and twenty! She’s garbage!”
Sweetie said something that Caps couldn’t hear and Button laughed into his mic. “She wasn’t even trying!” Button said, defending her. “I bet she’ll beat you this next match!”
“Yeah?!” Caps Lock shouted. “She beats me then she can HAVE my spot on the league!”
The vote for the next map was locked in and Caps Lock looked to see it was his least favorite map. Apparently, it was a lot of players’ least favorite map, because three players backed out of the lobby before the match began. Just as the timer hit zero, three players joined the lobby and the screen went blank.
“Sister! I found him!” a familiar female voice shouted.
“YOUR FLANK IS MINE, QWIKSCOPZ!” another mare shouted even louder.
Never gonna give you up,
never gonna let you down,
never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!
The audio came through a third player’s headset and Caps Lock instantly knew the trio that had crashed into his game. “Oh for Celestia’s sake! Leave me alone!” he shouted.
Before the argument could continue further, the game finally loaded. The music was still playing through his headset, meaning Disco Chord420 was on his team. The first thing Caps did was mute him, and then look to the leader board. SunButt69 and NMM1337 were on the other team.
“What? Oh, yeah, they’re friends of Caps’,” Button answered Sweetie.
“Like hell they are!” Caps Lock shouted, choosing his sniping class. The second his character stepped forward, a tomahawk cracked into his skull. “THIS IS SO STUPID!” Caps Lock shouted, watching the kill cam. The second SunButt69 spawned, she aimed at the sky and tossed a tomahawk across the map. It zeroed in on Caps Lock’s character and killed him instantly.
“Not off to a good start, Capsy” Button said condescendingly. Both he and Sweetie Belle had already gotten their first kills. As always, Disco simply followed Caps Lock around, shooting at his hooves to attract enemy attention.
Caps rounded a corner and took a shotgun shot to the face, killing him instantly. Disco simply looked at the enemy (NMM1337) and together they tea-bagged Caps’ corpse. Because of the game’s broken spawn system, he was forced to spawn near his teammates. Of course, the game favored spawning him near Disco.
“I’m gonna rage quit,” Caps Lock said after NMM1337 killed him before he could take two steps forward.
“Have you tried sucking less?” Button asked.
“Dude, they’re spawn trapping me!”
Sweetie Belle said something to Button that made him laugh and Caps Lock got even angrier. He finally managed to kill NMM1337 and escape his base. He came across ButtonMash(1) and started throwing fragmentation grenades at the stallion. A set of explosive barrels went off, sending ButtonMash(1) flying into a wall.
“Caps! Why’d you do that?!” Button shouted after Sweetie yelled out angrily.
“Fuck you, that’s why!” Caps replied. He then muted Button Mash again and proceeded on with the game’s mission. Suddenly, a friendly armored carriage came out of nowhere and ran Caps Lock’s character over. Betrayed by ButtonMash appeared in the kill feed.
Caps Lock threw his controller at the screen of his TV, causing it to spiderweb with colorful cracks of light. He stared at it until he heard banging on his bedroom door.
“What was that?!” his father shouted. “Open this door, now!” The banging intensified and Caps Lock shut the TV off and threw a blanket over it. He carefully unlocked his door and his father stood there glaring at him.
“What was what?” Caps Lock asked, looking up at the stallion. His father looked around the small room until his eyes came to rest on the TV.
“You broke another TV, didn’t you?” he asked, pushing past his son. He threw the blanket off and stared at the damage Caps had done. “Your mother isn’t buying you another, I’ll see to that,” he said, looking back to his son. “About time you grew up anyway.”
Caps Lock shifted and looked down at his hooves. His father, not typically known for compassion, tilted his head as he looked at his son. In their past interactions, Caps Lock usually shouted at his father, calling him obscenities, but this time he was quiet.
“Dad,” Caps Lock said quietly. He looked up to his father with tears welling in his eyes.
Oh shit, is he coming out of the closet? Caps Lock’s father wondered worriedly.
“I need some advice.”
Aw hell, he’s queer. “Son, what you do or what you like is none of my business,” his father said, taking a step backwards.
“Dad, it’s about Button Mash.”
Button Mash? That brown colt that sometimes showed up and together they’d spend hours locked in Caps’ room? During which time it was mostly quiet except for whispers, shouts, and laughter. “Uhhhh, ask your mother!” the stallion said nervously.
“Dad! Wait! It involves a filly!” Caps Lock pleaded, grabbing onto his father’s leg. The stallion stopped and looked down.
“A filly?” he asked.
“Yeah, I, I think I like her,” Caps spat out.
“Wait, so you’re not a colt cuddler?” his father asked with relief.
“WHAT?! NO!” Caps Lock shouted in embarrassment. The first time he’d ever actually tried to bond with his father, and the stallion thought he was gay.
Feeling fully reassured, Caps Lock’s father took a seat on his son’s bed. “Okay, good,” he said, wiping his forehead. “Now tell me, how’s this involve Button Mash?”
Caps Lock took a seat next to his father and chose to stare at the wall rather than make eye contact. His father, Shift, had had trouble bonding with his father as a colt, and didn’t know quite how to help his son. He hesitantly reached his hoof out and put it around his son’s shoulders.
“Button started hanging out with this filly, and now he’s being a douchebag,” Caps explained. “And now I get this feeling right here,” he put his hoof against his chest, “and it hurts when I think about them.”
Shift replied, “That’s called jealousy. Did you ever tell this filly how you felt?”
“No,” Caps Lock said sadly. “I called her a bunch of names and did a lot of mean things to her. It’s what people online told me to do. They said girls like it when you’re a dick to them.”
“That’s when they’re older,” Shift replied, speaking from experience. “When you’re young, you’ve gotta be nice to ‘em. Tell ‘em they’re pretty.”
“But what do I do about Button Mash? He must have already done that!” Caps exclaimed.
His father smiled an ear-to-ear grin, a trait he’d passed on to his son. “You must win her love. Fight Button to the death! Give her his head as a token of your affection!”
Caps Lock looked to his TV in dismay. “Even if I had a working TV, I could never beat Button Mash! He’s probably gonna get his cutie mark in gaming.”
“Son, I am disappoint,” Shift said, looking to Caps. “First, you have to have self confidence. Mares dig that. Just find something you’re better at than Button and flaunt the hell outta it.
“And if that doesn’t work, there’s chloroform under the sink.”