Vinyl and Octavia picked up a d20 each and rolled them. “Sixteen,” said Vinyl.
“Five!” Octavia cried, excited. “I cannot wait to test out some of these combat traits on these enemies… Come to think of it, Natural Twenty, what are we fighting?”
“Two of the giant stone statues outside the temple came to life as you approached the door,” Natural Twenty explained.
“What giant statues? You didn’t mention them before,” Octavia pointed out.
“You interrupted me before I could,” Natural Twenty said. “If you two had let me finish my description of the temple’s exterior rather than trying to reroll-” Here he shot a dirty look at Vinyl “- then you would have known all about them.”
“Well, whatever,” Octavia said, rolling her eyes. “What initiative did you roll for them?”
Natural Twenty quickly threw two d20s to the table. “Nine and thirteen,” he said. “Not too bad, if I say so myself.” He quickly started marking up the game mat with a marker, and moved some figurines around on it.
“So, is this where the fun part of the game starts?” Vinyl asked as Natural Twenty worked.
“What, you mean that you have not enjoyed the game so far?” Octavia asked, genuinely surprised.
“So far the only fun thing that’s happened is that I’ve had sex with you, and if I wanted to do that I could have taken you to my bedroom,” Vinyl pointed out. “Please, Octavia, tell me that this’ll be better.”
“Well, personally I find that the real fun of roleplaying lies in solving the challenges which the Dungeon Master lays out for us using my own wits and skills, but for one such as you, Vinyl, I am sure that you shall enjoy combat against foes such as these,” Octavia somehow managed to say in one breath. “Fighting in roleplaying games is a truly unique experience – one gets to fight for honour, glory, and riches using an avatar of themselves. Their true martial prowess is tested on a battlefield which can range from something such as, in this case, a deadly jungle, to something as mediocre as a humble bar. Players engage in a battle of luck, wits, and skill – one in which there can only be one winner. They are able to test themselves and others in a truly immersive experience, where a single move could mean the difference between disaster and victory. That – that is what combat is.” Octavia finished her speech with a smug look upon her face.
Vinyl had been looking fairly bored throughout the game so far, but at this, her expression perked up. “Really?” she asked, interested. “That kinda sounds awesome, Octavia.”
Octavia shrugged. “Well, that is how it is supposed to be in theory. In reality it’s mostly rolling dice for several hours, swearing at them when they roll badly, and repeatedly crossing out and re-writing numbers.”
“Don’t forget mixing up which pieces of paper are which,” Natural Twenty said as he drew one final line on the game mat. “One minute you’re fighting a simple level eight mudcrab, and then bam! The DM accidentally grabs an encounter intended for much further down the track and you’re suddenly in the hydra factory, wondering where in the hay you’ll find some fire to stop its regeneration!” A dreamy look entered his eyes as he stared off into the distance. “Ah, hydras…” he muttered wistfully to himself.
Vinyl raised an eyebrow as she turned to Octavia. “Is that really gonna happen? We’re gonna have to fight a hydra?”
“…No?” Octavia answered hesitantly.
“Are you both familiar with how combat works?” Natural Twenty asked. Vinyl shook her head whilst Octavia nodded. To Vinyl, Natural Twenty said, “You can move up to six spaces a turn – that’s called a move action – unless there is a certain condition, such as a large obstacle that you have to climb over, which would cost more to move over. You can move either before combat, after, or both, so long as you haven’t used up all of your move actions for that turn.”
Vinyl nodded. “And Octavia explained how combat works to me – we can only use combat talents which cost equal to or less than the number of PiPs we have, and we can regain PiPs by using smaller attacks.”
“That’s combat in a nutshell,” Natural Twenty agreed. “Any rules you’re not familiar with, we can explain as we play. Now, Vinyl, I believe that you rolled highest initiative?”
Vinyl Scratch grinned. “Right, I’m looking forwards to how this goes,” she said. “Sit back, Octavia – Vinyl’s got this entire fight in hoof…”
=============================
“Vinyl, it’s your turn,” Natural Twenty said a good few hours later. The white unicorn rubbed at her eyes sleepily.
“Already? Urgh, can I spam Hyperbeam yet?” Vinyl asked, groaning. This wasn’t going anything like how she had expected it to.
“You only have two PiPs, Vinyl,” Octavia explained. “Hyperbeam costs eight.”
“Man, seriously? That’s so stupid,” said Vinyl. “Well then, how about I use…It’s Over?”
“It’s Over costs you seventeen PiPs,” Octavia sighed, facehoofing.
“Well…what can I use?” Vinyl asked, throwing herself back in her chair in exasperation.
“Let me see…” muttered Octavia, grabbing Vinyl’s character sheet. “All of your combat abilities which take away PiPs cost four or more, so you can only use Arcing Bolt or Rampage.”
“But they’re soooo boring!” Vinyl whined. “I’ve been spamming them for ages now!”
“Well it’s your own fault for not including more low-cost combat abilities,” Octavia said, forcing herself to stay calm. “You should have – actually, better question: why do you keep summoning your Hammer of Thunder and then dismissing it? That is a gigantic waste of PiPs.”
Vinyl shrugged. “I keep forgetting that it costs to summon it. And let’s face it, it’s not as cool as my other stuff.” Turning to Natural Twenty, she asked, “Are you sure I can’t do that awesome idea I thought of?”
“For the last time Vinyl, I already said that you’re not allowed to tackle and wrestle a statue into the pits of fire, let alone both of them at the same time,” Natural Twenty said. “And besides, they’re made of stone, so the fire wouldn’t do anything.”
“But if I roll a natural twenty, I can do whatever I want!” Vinyl protested. “Isn’t that how the game works?!”
“Just choose a damn attack, Vinyl,” said Octavia, sighing once more.
“Fine. I’ll use…Rampage, I guess, on Stone Statue #2,” said Vinyl. “And… I’m bloodied, so I deal one d12 of damage rather than one d4.” Natural Twenty nodded in agreement.
“Roll the die.”
Almost absentmindedly, Vinyl levitated her d12 and threw it in Natural Twenty’s general direction. He gasped as it landed.
“What?” Vinyl asked.
“Vinyl, you… you rolled a natural twelve!”
“So… that’s twelve points of damage, yeah?” Vinyl asked, barely paying attention by this stage.
“Well, that certainly happens, but more importantly, your special ability triggers!” Natural Twenty exclaimed, sounding both excited and worried. “What triggers for you on a twelve?”
“Uhh… that’s this one here, isn’t it, Octavia? ‘Use one of the combat talents you brought into battle
at random without paying its PiP cost.’ What does that mean?”
“It means that you can use one of those overpowered attacks that you want to for absolutely nothing!” Octavia gasped. Bored and frustrated with the fight so far, she had been lying on a couch lazily, but upon seeing Vinyl’s roll, had leapt up in excitement. “It says that it’s random – roll a d8 to decide.”
“Sure,” said Vinyl, picking up a d8 and throwing it to the table. C’mon, Hyperbeam! The die landed on eight.
“Vinyl, what’s your eighth combat talent?” asked Natural Twenty, some fear creeping into his voice.
“Uh…It’s Over!” said Vinyl. “Lessee… I guess I’ll choose to deal seven d12 damage, since I’m already in melee range of the second Stone Statue…Octavia, can you pass me some dice?”
“Hooves off, peasant!” growled Octavia, protectively covering her dice with her hooves.
“…Fine, guess I’ll just roll this one seven times then,” said Vinyl. She did so. “…and, another eight, so that’s sixty-eight damage all up,” she said to Natural Twenty. She grinned. I think I’m starting to get the hang of this. “Is the second Stone Statue dead?”
Natural Twenty did some quick calculations on a piece of paper. “Just as good! It’s bloodied!” he said. “Or in its case, I suppose it would be… crumbling.”
“What does that mean again?” asked Vinyl, still trying to wrap her head around the terminology of the game. Octavia, however, knew what it meant immediately.
“It means that the Stone Statue is on half-health or less,” she explained. To Natural Twenty, she said, “Honestly, Natural? Our very first fight, over the course of these past hours we deliver at least three hundred damage to one of the enemies, and it’s only on half-health? How in Equestria can you call yourself a DM?”
Natural Twenty shrugged. “Both the statues are made of stone. They resist like, ten damage per attack.”
“…And you decided that our first encounter should consist of enemies such as these?”
“Hey, it’s your own fault,” defended Natural Twenty. “You were supposed to look for hidden entrances, roll an eighteen or higher, find the hidden trapdoor, and then fight waves of zombie skeletons through the secret passageway on your way into the temple. If you hadn’t been so hasty and just rushed up the steps like an amateur then you could have avoided this whole thing.”
“Hasty? Me?!” Octavia asked, stunned. “Why, I’ll have you know –”
“Wait, aren’t zombie skeletons mutually exclusive?” interrupted Vinyl. “Zombies have meat, and skeletons are everything of a pony except meat. I think you’re mixing your undead types up.”
Natural Twenty thought it over. “Well, mummies can be skeletons, and they’re sort of like zombies.”
Vinyl shook her head. “Nuh-uh! If a zombie bites you then you turn into a zombie. If a mummy bites you then you turn into a dweeb who let herself get bitten by a mummy.”
“Ah, I see your confusion,” said Natural Twenty. “You’re going with classic novel and film depictions of mummies, but in Pony Tales, they’re traditionally enchanted by –”
“Can we stop with the discussion about mummies and zombies and Celestia knows what else?” Octavia asked, sighing. “Vinyl, we need to end this fight, and quickly. Any ideas?”
Vinyl thought it over. “How about… if I…hmm…no, that wouldn’t work because… but then the – ah ha! I’ve got it!”
“Are you sure?” Octavia asked, wary of her friends’ knowledge on the rules of Pony Tales.
“’Course I am,” said Vinyl. “See, if we can both convince Natural Twenty to get rid of these bullshit enemies and replace them-”
“Hey, my enemies are perfectly well-balanced!” argued Natural Twenty. “If you rolled as well as you did just before, Vinyl, they would have been defeated hours ago!”
“Well we are not going to roll that well any time soon, are we now?” Octavia asked. “Natural Twenty, please replace these statues with decent enemies.”
“Are you kidding? These guys guarding the temple is realistic!” the blue unicorn protested. “I’m trying to build a world here, and in this world it just so happens that ancient temples are guarded by living statues that don’t want intruders entering the temple!”
“But they’re ridiculous! Please, remove them!”
“They’re there for world-building purposes!”
“They’re overpowered!”
“You’re just not roleplaying well enough!”
“Who in their right mind could –”
“GUYS, CUT IT OUT!” Vinyl unexpectedly shouted, surprising both ponies and causing them to jump a little. “We’re getting nowhere, and we need a compromise of some sort…” She sighed and massaged one of her temples, before a brainwave suddenly hit her. “…and I think one just occurred to me!”
=============================
“Well?” Vinyl asked, grinning at Natural Twenty. “Do I pull it off?”
Natural Twenty sighed and looked at the d20 once more, just to make sure that his eyes weren’t tricking him. “With your roll of natural twenty, Vinyl, you successfully manage to piledrive the final statue into the pit of fire, where it somehow manages to get hot enough to crumble down and break. Even though combat rounds are only six seconds each.”
“Oh yeah! Told ya I could do it, Octavia!” Vinyl shouted enthusiastically.
“Yes, yes, whatever, Vinyl,” Octavia said dismissively. “The important thing, Natural Twenty, is what loot do the Stone Statues have on them?”
Natural Twenty blinked. “The Stone Statues have rocks on them. That are on fire, because they used to be part of their body.”
Octavia squinted. “…How much would flaming rocks go for in the nearest town?”
“Not enough to cover the bits you’d need to heal your hooves from holding onto flaming rocks for an extended period of time.”
“Bah,” said Octavia, scowling. “I suppose that we should head into the temple then. Are the doors open?”
“They were destroyed in your fight with the Stone Statues,” said Natural Twenty. “You step inside to find yourselves in a large corridor, with lots of stone tiles on the walls and floor. At the end of the corridor is what looks like it could be a pedestal with something on it, but you can’t see from this distance. What shall you do?” He smiled at both ponies knowingly.
“Well, Vinyl, it seems likely that some of the tiles are set to trigger traps,” said Octavia. “What do you propose we do?”
“Easy,” said Vinyl. “I’ll pick you up and fly you to the pedestal.”
Natural Twenty grinned. “I was wondering whether you’d try that. As you take off into the air, the temple’s anti-flying-magic-spell activates.”
“What?” said Octavia bluntly.
“A portion of wall swivels around,” began Natural Twenty, ignoring her, “revealing two immense hydras, each with nine heads. They’re both large enough to reach fliers with their heads, and they –”
It was at this point that Natural Twenty was forced to stop his description, as Vinyl had thrown the heavy copy of Pony Tales Handbook: First Edition right at his head and, in an extraordinary stroke of luck, managed to knock him out.
“Vinyl!” exclaimed Octavia. “What was that for?”
“Didn’t you see what he was doing? He was throwing hydras at us!” Vinyl explained. “How bullshit is that?”
“…Fair enough,” agreed Octavia.