I sigh as I knock on Pinkie's door.
"Hi! Are you here to enjoy the party!?" She exclaims. I look around at the table and the shit she's done, and I can't help but cringe as she makes the rocks talk.
"Jesus, what are you - a fuckin' schizophrenic?"
"Yes," the sugar responds.
"No!" The rocks exclaim.
"Maybe!!" Pinkie Pie shouts in my face. I cock an eyebrow at her.
"You need help."
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Maybe!!"
I nod as I purse my lips, and Pinkie continues to break down. "Are you going to be a good friend, Peter?" The sugar asks. "Or are you going to be like those other chumps that skipped out on me!?"
I shake my head and roll my eyes as I grab her, and smack her right across the face. Tears well up in her eyes, and I curse the day I was put into a world of pussies.
"Look at me - you've fucking lost it, alright? Just...pull yourself together and calm the fuck down, just because your friends have something to do doesn't mean it's the end of the world." I scowl at her appearance. "And for fuck's sake - take a shower for once, huh? You look like you were rolling around in cake."
I look on the table and see that there's a cake with many Pinkie-shaped smudges in it.
"Jesus Christ - snap out of it," I spit as I let go of her. She scurries towards her rocks.
"No! You snap out of it!"
"Pinkie, you're a dysfunctional and delusional psychopath - there's nothing for me to snap out of," I growl. "Listen - you're my friend, and I use that term very loosely, because you're starting to get on my fucking nerves. So when I say this, I say this with the best intent I can muster - " I kneel down in front of her and stare her in the eye. She grins at me.
"Go to a psychologist, Pinkie. Talk to them about your...problems, if they really bother you this much. Don't let them destroy you like this - you're a great pony, you just...well, you're just absolutely insane, but that's a moot point now." I sigh as I shake my head. "Just...please, go get some help. For me?"
Pinkie Pie stares at me for a moment, before shoving a bag of sugar into my face. "She doesn't need help!"
I nod as I take out a pen and puncture the bag. Sugar flows onto the ground, and Pinkie gasps as she struggles to put it back in the bag.
"You killed her!" She shrieks.
"Your friends are planning a surprise party for you," I reveal. "That's why they've been so secretive. So how about you stop fucking confectioneries and start washing up so you don't smell like shit." I sigh as I give the room one last glance. "And for God's sake - move out of the bakery..."
With that, I leave. While it may have seemed harsh, it was deserved, as everything she had pulled on me today had culminated into me being 298.35*cos(0)% done. And that's in Radians.
Also, I'm hungover. Gummy's birthday is apparently a big deal around here. Or some shit like that.