The mare eagerly awaited my answer, keeping her gaze onto me.
I was so nervous, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak… this is it.
She only got a confused look from me, and I’ve cocked my head sideways, adding even more confusion to my expression…
She mirrored the confused gaze, and repeated slowly, unsure if I had understood the question.
“What… is… your… name… little… colt?”
To this, I simply grinned adorably and answered her.
“I amsh Dirt Bouwder.”
Oh, the comforts that we take for granted when living on our own dimension… when you grow up and mostly “Be yourself”, only changing tiny bits here or there temporarily to appease others.
On Equestria, keeping being your human self could be the quickest way to the moon. If I had been thrown into it without any knowledge whatsoever about ponies and wished to blend in, I would need to spend a lot of time living on the borders of equine society, always on the shade, always on the run, hiding from them until I could learn their ways and how to behave “appropriately” as to not deviate too much from the norm and fit in, and while at it, I’d be living off from their scraps… a very lengthy and taxing process. Good thing that I had been on the other side of the fourth wall, I knew more than a few things about this universe.
In our society, a great deal of people fit into the so-called “stereotypes”, as in, children are generally unruly younglings, old people are either grumpy or peaceful… guess what? In Equestria, they have stereotypes pretty much as well, since it’s a universe that is somewhat based on ours. So, if you don’t fit the stereotype, chances are that you stand out… like Pinkie Pie is an exception to the one that says that earth ponies are stern, proud and hardworking ponies that live from the earth. Not saying that she isn’t proud or hardworking either, just that she didn’t fit the “iconic representation” of earth ponies. I don’t want to stand out, so, filling a stereotype will aid me on that.
In order to keep under the radar, one should seriously consider assuming a character, and most importantly, sticking to it. You don’t see fillies reciting theories of relativity, stallions chatting about fashion designs or old mares dancing ballet, so, when choosing your character, keep in mind your physiology. If you are turned into an unicorn, hold your head high and be fancy, if you are turned into an earth pony gramps, get a cane, ramble around incomprehensible stories and complain about rambunctious younglings, and if you are an adult man who somehow was turned into a filly, cope with the given circumstances and get a deep breath when somepony hit on you… I mean it; there are worse things than being rule 63'd.
It can seem like a waste of time, but a well-built character can be used advantageously… look at me, for example. A little colt…nopony would suspect me. I can get away by being ignorant about “grown pony stuff” and I have big puppy eyes with an adorable smile that would give diabeetus to the most cold-hearted pony out there… all of these hiding my human facade of skepticism and distrust. If you have any features that you can use to your favor, don’t be shy.
The mare nodded her head happily, landing a hoof on my mane and patting my head.
“Dirt Boulder, huh? That’s a nice name. Where did you came from, Boulder?”
“Fowest, after fowest… papa and mommy zuuush bwig thing…” and my semblance turned into pure sadness. “bigshy fiwewy spew… fwom sky… roaash… papa and mama… back… towld me to go on. Turnwed back, they lied quietwy…” and I shed alligator tears. “Bwack! Bwack… fiwewy mean thing turned them bwack!
Notice my speech. I purposely emulated a colt that didn’t knew how to speak equestrian very well… for the reason that: it would give me more time to think for answers when questioned, it would be compatible with my character’s backstory of being somepony not born in Ponyville, but in some obscure, barely civilized, extremely-difficult-to-account-for, pony conglomerate, which would give me an excuse for not knowing many Ponyville and equestrian customs. Plus, it would be an adorable trait for Cheerilee, she, as a teacher on a world that represented a utopia, would be thrilled with pride after “teaching” me how to speak equestrian properly. Also, pay heed to the abstraction that “Fowest” represents: it could mean Everfree forest, Whitetail wood, or almost any area that has more than two or three trees close by! Nopony would demand specified cartographical knowledge about the surroundings of this forest to a little, traumatized colt that lost his parents.
Cheerilee rubbed her hoof softly onto my mane, cluttering it a bit.
“Oh… you poor dearie… and they sacrificed themselves to save you… poor colt. You shouldn’t be left all by yourself. Come with me, let’s talk to the mayor. She is a fair mare that knows what to do in situations like this.”
I wiped the tears and stood on my all fours… it was mildly uncomfortable for someone used to stand on two feet, but was doable… perhaps something to do with the fact that humans, at a certain point in history, stood on all their fours.
“And you? Namewy?”
The mare smiled at me. “I am Cheerilee, a teacher from Ponyville.”
I scratched my head with a hoof. “Poney-wive? Teachwer?” Feigning ignorance was a must if I needed to stay true to my character… plus, the truly wise person is the one who poses as a fool and leaves the fool to pose as a wise one, the last having to deal with the responsibilities of such image without the knowledge to back it up.
“You know, I teach the wonders of the world to little ponies like you… didn’t they had a school from where you came from?”
I nodded negatively.
“How is schoowey like?”
“Ah, it’s a marvelous building where little ones are excited to learn new things and teachers like me share those things with them.”
“I wishey had schoowey in old pwace…”
And Cheerilee smiled at the downtrodden colt that I was.
“I was heading to give classes when you came across my way, Boulder. As soon as we fix you someplace to stay, you’ll be attending classes too! I guess my students won’t mind if I keep them waiting a little longer while I take you to Mayor Mare…”
I shifted my eyes to a heart-breaking expression of sadness
“Nosh! Bouwder go schoowey with Chewywee, Mayor after… want to see schoowey…”
“My, I never saw somepony so excited to attend a class… I don’t think that my students will mind an extra one… especially one so filled with the desire to study. Alright, you win, let’s head to the school.”
And I let her lead the way, conforming myself on following the upbeat mare on the way to the schoolhouse. Having the body of an earth pony was… different. I could control many muscles that I couldn’t as a human… the hooves were very sensitive and had the potential to be nimble, the tongue could be moved in many ways, and more amazingly, the tail was prehensile…It was like finding an old muscle, one you forgot a long time ago and only recently found yourself having it. Could it be that way because of the fact that at some point of history, humans did not only walked on all fours, but had tails too?
“Chewywee… can schoowey make Bouwder speawk right? Bouwder undewstand eck… eck… eckwestrian ok, but speawk is hard. Not likesy Zebwa-tonguey used to…”
If Equestria was anyhow similar to earth, Zebras would represent the African continent, and said continent didn’t had an unified language, but multiple dialects, in my case, maybe some of them that few ponies heard of and the like… eliminating any chance that they find an actual speaker to disprove my story. My, what a complex web of lies I am building here… perhaps, in reality, there wouldn’t be any cause for that it, with Celestia being nice to newcomers and such… I’ll probably never know.
The teacher with a dual toned mane reassured me.
“Of course it can, Boulder… not only equestrian speech but history, science, mathematics…” and she trailed off numbering a vast number of subjects and their wonders, while in truth, I wasn’t interested in learning any of them… I’ve learned almost all of them in my school years back in human reality, no point in recurring into that torture.
“Schoowey teachwes all of thowse? How they can wemember evewythingsy?”
“We use books… rectangular things that contain words that remind us of what to say, and there’s notebooks, where the student makes his notes when the teacher speaks.”
“Can Bouwder has noteybook and… what namesy the thwing to make note?”
Cheerilee’s face contorted into a thoughtful expression.
“I think that’s a pencil you’re talking about…”
“Yes, pwencil! Can Bouwder has it? So, Bouwder won’t fowget what Chewywee says!”
And the mare grinned at the implied complement. A colt who valued what she said so much that he was eager to take notes… every teacher’s dream.
“Of course you can, you silly colt… I’ll lend you one and a notebook.”
I smiled back to the mare, thanking her for the gift.
Eventually, our short trip brought us to that very familiar schoolhouse, with small fillies playing on the swings, rolling on the grass, chatting happily and doing every kind of entertaining activity. I closely followed Miss Cheerilee as she entered the building, noticing two or three stares, coming from the foals, on my direction…
“Alright my little ponies, time for class!” She voiced as the school’s bell rang a few times to announce the upcoming class.
She went to her desk and I trotted away from the doorstep to allow passage. In instants, the two front rows were filled with Cheerilee’s class: from right to left, the first row had Scootaloo, Silver Spoon, Applebloom and Diamond Tiara, while the second row was composed of Sweetie Belle, Twist, that secondary unicorn filly without any defined name and lastly, that overweight colt with a fork and knife as a cutie mark. The third row was totally empty, guess I’ll sit at the back.
I went to the bottom left desk, as away as I could get from the cutie mark crusaders… and right behind that big colt that was, at the moment, chewing on a sandwich. Every other foal was busy chatting… now I could see that Cheerilee herself must have purposely set the class mapping to avoid talking during class, as in to break the cutie mark crusaders and the Spoon-Tiara duo by putting somepony between them.
“Quiet down, please… we have a very special guest today, my ponies…”
Oh no… she won’t…
“Meet your new classmate, Dirt Boulder!” And she smiled at me.
Oh yes, she did… and everypony else turned to face me, some with interest, some with contempt… Diamond Tiara was the first to mock my name, laughing at its mention…
Pretty hypocritical, considering her dad’s first name.
I faintly smiled and waved a hoof for them. What I wouldn’t give to be unnoticed…
Cheerilee approached my desk, holding a notebook and a pencil.
“Now sit quietly and listen closely to what I say. If you find it difficult to keep with the pace, just raise your hoof and I’ll slow it down for you” She said after dropping them on my desk.
I winked at her. The teacher took that as a satisfactory answer and went back to the blackboard…
“Today, my ponies, we’re learning about Clousdale! The amazing pegasus cloud city that is not only home to one of the most important weather factories, but also…”
And she kept on, and on, and on… talking nonstop about Cloudsdale. Don’t get me wrong, Cheerilee wasn’t a bad teacher, quite the opposite: She was incisive, spoke directly and used visual aid on her classes. The thing was that I already knew everything about Cloudsdale already, I had been given a tour by nopony else than Rainbow Dash herself during the “Sonic Rainboom” episode, such was it that nothing that Cheerilee spoke was new to me, and as a result, my attention on her quickly degraded.
Instead, I turned to my prize: a notebook with a hearth-themed cover and a pencil, way more than I could ever hope to get for acting dumb.
Now, I can say with confidence that the notebook and the pencil will be my most important possessions during my time on Equestria.
On an unfamiliar dimension or not, there is no weapon greater than knowledge. If you allow this humble writer an analogy, the mind could be compared with a juggler… while the memories, thoughts and other mental creations are the objects that he juggles with. He can juggle multiple objects and keep on juggling for some time at a determined pace. If you keep adding objects over and over, the chances that something bad happens are greatly increased. Not that you would entirely lose your memories, but rather, be overburdened with so many that you might overlook or forget something of importance. Besides, complex reasoning and other particularly extensive pieces of information could be both better viewed and organized on the paper.
This is why making notes is of vital importance to one’s survival, be it making a diary, drawing maps, taking notes about key events or facts, listing objectives… in sum, it allows an accurate and useful view on one’s efforts so far.
I wasted no time on listing down my objectives and perspectives about Equestria (whenever I could remember from the episodes that could be of use), I wrote that not on english (or, in this dimension, equestrian) but rather, on my own human native language. I doubt that anypony could ever make something of it…
It took way more than I expected because I wasn’t familiar with gripping the pencil with my mouth, but eventually, I started making progress. My main two objectives, survival and blending in… blending in by avoiding contact with Celestia, the mane six and other relevant characters… by acting like a pony… by staying true to my character and acting likewise.
Now on to the “survival” objective, under “shelter” and “food”: The four most basic things that I would need during my stay:
- A pencil and a notebook, check
- Additional pencils – after all, you never know…
- A saddlebag – even in earth, I never felt complete without a backpack, it can sound like something pathetic, but having some place to store all your things so that you don’t worry carrying them with your hooves really, really gives a sense of relief.
- Currency – as in, what makes Equestria go round’: BITS!
The last one would require a bit more cognition… with bits on my hooves, I could acquire everything else. How to obtain a steady flow of bits? A job, of course.
Not really much I could do, considering my limitations (as an earth pony) I would doubtlessly end with a simple, menial, and most likely, physically taxing job. Life is so much easier when you have a pronged, magically juiced, phallic enlargement over your head.
Being an earth pony was an indicator of what job I might get, but there was something else who indicated one’s job: his cutie mark.
Therefore, in order to get a source of cash, I would need to find what I was good at and get a cutie mark.
Speaking about cutie marks…
Through the class, the three crusaders were directing glances at me. Inadvertently, I turned into the most interesting thing on the entire universe for them, just because I shared classes with them and lacked a cutie mark too… I could almost hear them whispering about turning me into the fourth crusader and by doing so, increasing their chances on obtaining a cutie mark by 25%.
I had no desire in joining them, given their historic, I’d be better off on my own. Plus, with them I would have additional 120% chance of being covered with tree sap.
Of course, I could always tell them their talents… I knew them by heart, just a few words and their quest would end… but that would ruin a multitude of upcoming episodes and…
Wait a minute… another thing to add on my “blending in” list: Do not ever, ever disrupt continuity.
How do I best explain? There are two types of event chains that would happen: Those belonging to an episode and those which didn’t. The second could be moderately interfered, as long as no lasting or crucial changes are made. But the first shouldn’t… whenever I see an “episode” coming up, I shouldn’t do anything that would somehow interfere on its results… the events must occur as exactly as the aired episode showed them. In the case that my actions interfered on given episode, leading to a completely different outcome, the consequences could range from simple annoyances (slightly hindering my “ability to predict the future” during an episode, but returning to its tracks afterwards) to complete catastrophes (Twilight learned nothing about friendship because I cleverly averted the problems that she would get into, and just because of that, when Discord came, Celestia didn’t had any letter to send back, dooming the future of Equestria to the whims of a mad draconequus… FOREVER. [Actually… this hypothesis would make me truly shiver if the fate of Equestria laid solely on Applejack’s friendship report writing skills])
Suddenly, being turned into a pony doesn’t seem that great anymore…
The bell rang as Cheerilee finished compiling the many feats of Cloudsdale’s finest, the Wonderbolts.
“Time for a break, my students!”