//------------------------------// // Imperial Age // Story: Twilight Sparkle and Her Friends Play Age of Empires II // by swirlstar //------------------------------// Chapter 5 – Imperial Age ~ Rainbow Dash ~ “Surrender now, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash announced impetuously as a sea of cavalry archers let loose a spray of arrows against the defenses of Pinkie Pie. “I don’t want to humiliate you more than I’ve already done, pal!” The pegasus’ purple opponent was strangely unflummoxed, her mind concentrating on other matters. “Let’s see you try once Pinkie Pie’s upgraded her towers to keeps, Rainbow.” “Pinkie’s not going to last long and you know it!” the cyan mare warned, piling up more and more horsemen in front of the gates, the continuous whistle of flying arrows ringing in her ears. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be!” “Sure, sure,” Her Highness dismissed the pegasus’ threats, distractedly clicking on other things. So far, so like the Siege of 626. “Whatever. Constantinople will hold.” * ~ Pinkie Pie ~ “Keep up the fire, all you men and women!” Asmund exhorted as he fired off another arrow from his murder hole in the tower. “Remember that you are the children of Ragnar Lodbrok and Great Canute: fight like them!” Notching another arrow onto his bow – thank PINKIE they had literally an unlimited supply of these – Asmund let loose another shot: yes! The Hunnic cavalry archer that he was aiming for… well he was alive, but the soldier next to him suddenly toppled forward, an iron-tipped shaft straight in his leaking brain. More shots like these and the Huns were doomed… “More coming in!” Ingrid the Lumberjack cried out, finger pointing at another group of Hunnic cavalry dashing into the fray. “By PINKIE – these Huns are endless! We can’t hold like this, Asmund; they’ll overrun us!” “Well, we have to hold!” Asmund yelled back, barely dodging loose bricks and shattered masonry as the keep shook and groaned under another round of arrow fire. “This tower is the last line of defence against the enemy! If we don’t stay here and keep shooting, they’ll- “ Crash! The Norseman’s words were cut short as a flaming beam collapsed in front of him, the structure screaming in its death throes. A sudden terror gripped Asmund, whose brain immediately demanded a literal and metaphorical U-turn. “We have to retreat!” the Norseman abruptly exclaimed to his fellow comrades-in-arms. “This tower is doomed! We need to evacuate, now!” “But you just said we needed to fight to the end!” Ingrid shouted over the fiery din. “Will you just be consistent- “ “Get out!” the villager yelled in a panic, seizing the poor girl by the arm and yanking her down the stairs, acrid smells of burning wood all over. “But- “ Ingrid had barely begun complaining before the duo rushed out of the door: and as she looked up at the flaming structure that she had just left, the lumberjack no longer had any desire to. “Oh. Guess I’ll have to find another tower, then.” “Quickly!” Asmund ordered, gesturing to one of the less-burnt out structures elsewhere. “I’ll come along as soon as- “ It was at this point that the Viking caught sight of a few monks idling some ways behind him, eggy heads deep in their books as if in meditation. What? Asmund strode angrily to the relaxing group. “What are you doing?! Our brothers and sisters in PINKIE are dying out there, and you priests are relaxing?” The monks looked up, nettled by this unwelcome intervention. “We’re resting, Asmund,” the lead abbott remarked. “Our work demands it.” “But you can’t rest now!” the red-trousered peasant flapped his hands around in a fit. “Miklagarðr is under attack and we need everybody to pull their part!” “Prophet Asmund,” Brother Olaf groused. “Bringing new victims- I mean, new converts to the faith is a mentally exhausting business. Especially with PINKIE’s new doctrines.” “Do you even know draining that chant is?” the abbot chipped in, wincing at the very thought. “Our LORD could hardly have chosen a more fitting weapon against our enemies.” The bearded Norseman frowned, sensing excuses instead of explanations. The abbot groaned and shot a dirty look at this inexplicably holy peasant. “Look, we’ll prove it to you. Assemble!” With much complaint and sullen glares, the five monks assembled in a row, kept apart from the raging Huns only by a flimsy-looking grate. The abbot scanned long and hard at the mass of testosterone-fuelled cavalry before him. “Targets… let’s see… that horseman over there! You all see him, Brothers?” The portly monk pointed to a Hunnic Knight raging on the portcullis with his sword, chipping the poor weapon badly in the process. He was fierce and deadly, and Asmund gulped as he thought of the monks attempting to calm, let alone convert, such a feral beast. The abbot continued. “Knowledge of the correct doctrine is of the utmost importance when we seek to turn a heathen towards the Light. In his most recent encyclical, our most dear Prophet Asmund has foretold of the division of the world into good and evil: the Universe of Light, ruled by PINKIE, the Viking-Savior; and the Universe of Darkness, ruled by TWILIGHT, the Moon-Destroyer. We must drag that fallen knight into the Universe of Light, and add further strength to PINKIE’s forces! And so, Brothers, focus all your energies on this holy task!” “PINKIE’s will be done, Father Abbot!” The monks quickly donned on protection – wads and wads of cotton wool into their ears. Asmund quickly followed suit. “So deep breaths, Brothers!” came the final order. “Clear your minds… one… two… three!” PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT What- CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL Argh! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT Too loud! CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE No! BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA Stop! PICKLE BARREL My ears! KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL No more! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA They’re bleeding! PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL It’s in my head! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA Get out of my head!- “Noooooo!” the Knight was now writhing about in utter mental agony, his hands permanently stuck to his ears as if they were stuck together with glue. “Stop! Stop! I’ll do anything you ask! Just stop with the darned Chimicherrychangas!” “The only way to stop the chanting is for you to attack Rainbow Dash’s cavalry archers!” the abbot demanded. “B-but… ” the Knight looked uneasily around at his former comrades. “They’re my friends! Can’t I just desert instead of defecting- “ PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT- The Knight screamed, frantically picking up his sword and cleaving it through his former allies in desperation: “Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it- ” Fwoop! A brief shower of arrows quickly gained him the death that he so longed for. “Now that is one enemy less we have to deal with, thanks to the greatness of PINKIE.” The lead abbot turned back to Asmund, a smirk on his face. “Though I’m not sure how popular our religion can get if we merely use our new converts as cannon fodder.” “Oh… wow.” The Viking was too amazed by this display of the power of faith to say much in comment. “Praise be to PINKIE!” * ~ Applejack ~ “Use your mangys, Rainbow!” the orange pony pointed out, belatedly deciding to provide some moral support to her on-again, off-again ally. “And aim for the towers, not the walls!” “Oh, thanks for telling me now, Applejack!” the cyan pegasus exclaimed, getting more and more agitated as the body count began to pile up. “Where were you the last five minutes!” The cowpony’s eyes twitched – a frustratingly frequent action in this particular game. “If you didn’t insult me all the time, Rainbow, I might’ve been willin’ to do a bit more.” “Whatever! You were the one who started the whole thing off!” Applejack scowled and surveyed the battlefield further, looking for more nitpicks in the pegasus’ strategy. “Your cavalry are firin’ every which way, Rainbow,” she chided as the Hunnic mangonels finally fired their first consequential volley. “Focus your fire!” And finally one of Pinkie Pie’s accursed keeps fell down into a heap of ash and rubble, brightening the pegasus’ mood somewhat. “Focus fire? What’s that?” The orange pony sighed. “Select your units,” she explained, demonstrating to Rainbow Dash on her own laptop, “and then choose a target for them to fire on- ” “Like this, Rainbow!” Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked up from their monitors, puzzled. Pinkie Pie. “Say goodbye to your mangy little mangy, Dashie!” “Mangy little mangy? Mother-!” Too late, the weatherpony shifted focus back to her siege engines, just in time to catch one expensive machine splintering under a storm of arrows, another one not too far behind. “Oh Celestia.” Applejack facehoofed, grudgingly preparing another round of tribute for the cyan pony. Rainbow Dash was quick to assign blame, her army now being reduced to half-strength without any noticeable progress. “Oh wow, thanks for the advice, AJ – sheesh!” Any more of this snark and Applejack’s body would burst into flames. “Rainbow, if you think you’re the only one who’s doin’ work here then maybe I should just resign, okay?” the rustic pony shot back irritably. “Let’s see how you do when you don’t have anypony givin’ you food and gold, yeah?” “We’ll see soon enough.” “Thanks, Twilight- “ The cowpony frowned. “Wait. What?” “I said, Rainbow’s going to see soon enough how important of an ally you are, AJ.” Twilight Sparkle stared straight at her central objective, a wide grin stretching across the bottom half of her face. “Because you are about to be Schooled!” * ~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~ “A pretty good pun, isn’t it?” Her Highness commented bemusedly as Applejack’s pupils grew to the size of saucers. “You see, the elite bodyguards of the Roman Emperors were called ‘Scholae Palatinae’ – the Palatine Schools – for some weird reason. And you now have the privilege of being on the sword end of this piece of history!” The orange pony could only let out a pained squeal as she caught a glimpse of the army right on her doorstep: Hussars and Cataphracts and Cavaliers and Camels; Skirmishers and Cannoneers and Monks and Rams… oh, and to think that she had spent so much time criticizing Rainbow Dash’s errors, without once looking over her own! “Rainbow Dash…” the farm pony croaked. “Help me!” The pegasus was still blissfully focused on her faltering attack against Pinkie’s walls, the ground before them spattered with dead cavalry and flattened engines. “Oh so you want my help now, AJ? Where were you when I was fighting- “ A quick glance at Applejack’s frantic signaling silenced her sarcasm. “Oh, by Celestia... coming right now, Applejack!” the pegasus exclaimed, pulling back the remnants of her mauled army and ordering them to Applejack’s base posthaste. “Hold on, AJ, hold on!” “And the Basileia Rhomaion has pulled off a brilliant strategic move, worthy of even mighty Herakleios himself!” The alicorn provided real-time analysis as her siege rams approached Applejack’s flimsy defences: stone walls, are you kidding me?! “And now, just like the impotent Persian armies before the walls of Constantinople, Rainbow Dash can only watch as the glorious Roman forces sack the heartland that fuels her war machine- “ “Quit it, Twilight- horseapples!” Applejack’s annoyance swiftly turned to something much worse as a section of wall crumbled before Twilight’s devastating assault. “Rainbow, she’s in, she’s in! You get over here, all your troops, right now!” “And the menacing fortifications of the evil Latins are breached with embarrassing ease!” Twilight cackled maniacally, sending platoon after platoon of soldiers through to begin the pillage. “This is for the Fourth Crusade, you filioque-inserting heretics!” “Twilight, what the hay are you talkin’ about!” Applejack gasped as she launched into a flurry of superficial action, utterly disabled by the dizzying influx of enemy troops, the warning horns blaring everywhere, the villager deaths, the building attacks, the burning everywhere, the impending defeat- “Rainbow Dash! Help! Where are you!” “I’m coming, I’m coming, Applejack!” the pegasus shouted back, clicking as she had never clicked before – units, buildings, trees, anything to give the impression of progress- “I’m going as fast as I can! Give me more stuff!” “There ain’t much more I can give you!” Applejack hollered, sweaty hooves tributing what meager sums she could to her ally. “Where are your soldiers, Rainbow, where are they- “ “Aaand the Huns are finally here!” Her Highness exclaimed, on a roll and eagerly savoring the bloody business. “You’ll find no tribute from Byzantium this time around, evil nomads!” The pegasus grimaced. “You’re not going to win that easily, Twi- ” Too late: Twilight’s Hussars and Cavaliers had closed the gap between the two armies, slicing through what was left of the earth-shattering horde like butter. “Horseapples! Mother- ” “And the evil Huns are destroyed!” Twilight Sparkle announced triumphantly. “Never since the Battle of Levounion have we seen such a total victory over the heathen horsemen!" “Raainbow!” Applejack howled in despair. “Don’t blame me!” the pegasus snapped. “You’re the one who couldn’t hold the walls for thirty seconds!” “Are you kiddin’ me!” the farm pony screamed, close to tears as the Scholae Palatinae raged unchecked throughout her precious lands. “I gave you all those resources so you could defend me! And you had to throw it all away on some stupid attack that never should have happened!” “Blah blah blah, ‘wasting my resources’, ‘stupid attacks’, that’s all you want to talk about!” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Why don’t you quit moaning and start helping?” “I’m tryin’, I am tryin’!” Applejack replied despondently, evacuating her burning town with whatever villagers she could scrape together. “I… I’ll do a Pinkie, alright? She managed to survive your attack; I bet I can, too… ” “Sure, Applejack,” the heady alicorn sneered, moving onto the last Frankish Town Center. “Because, as the guardian of one thousand years of Roman history and culture, I’ll totally make the same mistakes that Rainbow Dash did.” * ~ Pinkie Pie ~ Asmund stood at the edge of the great forest clearing. It all seemed so familiar to him – the gold deposits shimmering in the morning light, the little lake teeming with shore fish at the forest’s edge, the herds of deer frolicking around in the emerald glen. He was home. The Vikings were home. To think that, not so long ago, the entire nation was cowering before the terror of the evil Hunnic Queen, horde after horde of cavalry archers throwing themselves at the blood-stained walls – and look at us now! As the surviving Norsemen trudged through the field of skeletons and ashes, past the hulking shadows of wrecked engines and dead dreams, and all the way back to the Viking homeland, one thing became abundantly clear. This was no mere victory. It was a deliverance. A miraculous deliverance, possible only through the omnipotence and omnibenevolent of the God of Gods, Lord of Lords, Ruler of the Universe of Light: LORD PINKIE of Asgard. Asmund stretched out his arms and turned Heavenwards. Birds chirped; soft winds blew. And then, calling upon all his strength, the Viking let loose his voice throughout the verdant forest: “Oh, PRAISE BE TO YOU, O GREAT PINKIE PIE!” And as if in response to his call, the Sun’s rays pierced through the dreary medieval clouds, bathing the world in its warmth. “Thank you soo much, Amazing Villager Asmund!” the VOICE proclaimed. “Oh, I wouldn’t have known what to do if you weren’t here to help! And now we’ve almost won and we Vikings can begin rebuilding our town once again!” Tears welled up in Asmund’s eyes. To think that he had originally laughed at this divine upstart… “… but first, I think all that effort should be rewarded with a snack!” the VOICE opined happily. “So you just wait here, Asmund; I need to look around Twilight’s fridge for a real prize! Oh, the recording of this battle is going to be soo great!” The Norseman didn’t pretend to understand what PINKIE was talking about. But then again, why should he? By delivering the Vikings from all their trials and tribulations, PINKIE had demonstrated herself to be omnipotent, omnibenevolent and omniscient. So whatever PINKIE did, it had to be right. And so Asmund stood on the high hill, patiently, motionlessly, arms stretched out, head turned up, and forever praising the munificence of the One True LORD, PINKIE PIE. * ~ Rainbow Dash ~ Grrr… Rainbow Dash hated losing, and especially when victory had been so within her grasp… this wasn’t possible! She had the largest army! She had thrown Pinkie Pie out of her own land! She had wound Twilight up so much that she burnt her own computer! There was no way that a few stupid walls could have stopped the Huns… it wasn’t possible! The sickening sound of collapse as another Hunnic Castle gave way before Twilight’s siege rams and trebuchets. “The powerful Roman military knocks down another nomad abomination!” GrrrRRRRR… “Rainbow, you have to do somethin’!” Applejack wheezed in a panic. “Make troops, darnit, make villagers if you need to!” Not enough food. Not enough wood. Not enough gold. “What do you think I’m doing, Applejack?” Rainbow Dash scowled, her hooves desperately trying any unit that could be produced. “I’ve got nothing left!” “I’m sending you everythin’ I can!” Applejack responded, tributing pitiful sums of a hundred each, tears rolling down her face at the prospect of such a humiliating loss. “I’m at the end of my rope!” Cataphract upon Cataphract now pouring in through the now-undefended sector, citizens fleeing and dying before their iron hooves. “Ponyfeathers, they’re in!” Rainbow Dash groaned, plugging the gap with the ten skirmishers that she’d saved up so hard for. “Give me more stuff, Applejack, give me more stuff; I’m going to stop them- “ Poor soldiers were dead within seconds. “Oh, this is hopeless,” Applejack resigned herself to her fate, voice cracking up unhappily as Twilight’s forces surrounded her new Town Center. “This is hopeless, Rainbow Dash… we’ve lost… there’s no way around it… ” Balls of fire from Twilight’s trebuchets were raining down on Rainbow Dash’s last castle. Not enough food. Not enough wood. Not enough gold. “Urgh… stupid Twilight… I’m going to win this, I’m going to win this no matter what!” the pegasus shouted, lost in her own delusions… SAA_IS_BETTER resigned. Magenta eyes bulged. “Wha- Applejack!” Rainbow Dash turned angrily towards her partner. “Why did you do that? Thanks for hanging me out to dry!” “There wasn’t anythin’ left, Rainbow,” the orange pony sighed despondently, stretching her forelegs and arching her ridiculously-tense back. “We had no soldiers, no money, and Twilight’s massive army comin’ down hard on the both of us. What exactly was I goin’ to do?” The pegasus huffed and turned back to her monitor, scowling as another barracks collapsed before the cumulative slashing of Elite Cataphracts. “I expected better from you, AJ!” “Well if you didn’t attack Twilight with just horse archers,” came the retort, “maybe we wouldn’t have- “ “Shut up, Applejack, just shut up!” Rainbow Dash scowled as she sent another skirmisher to his futile death. “I am going to win this!” The erstwhile allies sank back into sullen silence. “Think I’ll be makin’ myself some milk tea,” the cowpony concluded, getting off her chair. “Swear this game is twice as stressful as Zap Apple Buckin’.” * “Phoo-ee!” Her Highness stretched out her forelegs. “Wow, Pinkie, who knew we’d actually end up winning this game!” Argh… Rainbow Dash! How could you lose! You were SO close! Pinkie Pie nodded happily, tucking into some well-deserved cookies. “That was a great game, Twilight! I had so much fun!” This can’t be possible! NO WAY I lost this game legit; no way my armies could have lost to Twilight and Pinkie's! “Uh, maybe for you, Pinkie,” the purple alicorn chuckled. “But anyway – only one Town Center to go now! High-hoof!” I didn’t do anything wrong! My plan was perfect! I deserved to win! “HIGH-HOOF!” Pinkie’s forehoof slammed into Twilight’s with victory fervor, the magical pony yelping out in unexpected pain. “We are the best team ever!” And after all that effort… this is how it ends? With me about to surrender to Twilight and Pinkie Pie?! “Well, I gotta hoof it to you ponies,” Applejack trotted over, a nice warm up of pale in her hooves. “You both won the game fair and square. Congratulations.” No way! No way I’m going to lose! “Thanks, AJ,” the lavender alicorn smiled. “You played well too. In the end, it’s just a game… at least, until these trebuchets unpack and fire at Dash’s last Town Center… ” I’m going to win, whatever the cost! Rainbow Dash smiled mysteriously. “Rainbow Dash never loses at Age of Empires,” she murmured softly. Then in a well-practiced move, her hoof slithered over to the ‘Enter’ key and pressed down. how do you turn this on