The Mafia Life of Penny Pincher: The Unbelievably True Story of how I almost Died

by TheBronywiththeBowTie


The First Job

It was about midnight when we had left The Crusading Cavalier. The streets were still as busy as ever, ponies walking on the sidewalk, carriages driving by, and so fourth. Mugsy had hitched himself up to a carriage, ready to take us to the bank. I loaded the empty loot sacks in the trunk, then sat up front with Nickle. Scarface, Donny, and Goody sat in the back. "Let's get movin', Mugsy." Mugsy grunted while nodding his head, beginning to trot down the street, pulling us along with him. Scarface tapped me on the shoulder from the back. "So, Penny, what kinda resistance are we expecting when we get there?" He rasped.

"From what I can remember, not much." I said. "To be honest, I never worked a night shift...I heard they only got one security guard! You ponies of low moral fiber and ill-repute should be able to take care of him!" They all seemed slightly annoyed by that statement, while Mugsy just seemed confused. Nickle leaned into me. "Cool it with the sarcastic remarks.." He hissed.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine."

"So not a lot of resistance then?" Donny asked me. "Sounds too easy...you're not setting us up, are ya, newbie?"

"Setting you up for what? I could set you up for a dinner party if you want! I got connections!" I said with a smile.

Nickle rolled his eyes. "He's askin' if yer wearin' a wire or somethin'. Which he isn't. He's my brother, you can trust him!"

Donny sighed. "If you say so, Boss."

Goody said nothing and just looked out the window. I supposed he was the strong, silent type. After that, everypony was silent as Mugsy pulled us to the bank. Soon, the carriage came to a stop. "We're here." Mugsy grunted. The bank looked even more depressing at night than it did during the day. It was large, marble columns decorating the outside, giving it a very ancient look. "Alright." Nickle said. "Everypony remembers their role. Pen, Donny, my associate is waiting for us at the back. Scarface, Goody, you wait here with Mugsy, and be ready to load on the money."

Goody nodded, while Scarface just said, "Sure thing, Nick."

"Pen, you lead the way." Nickle said, adjusting his tie with his magic.

I nodded as I climbed out of the carriage. I looked behind me, and I saw Nickle and Donny were following just as they said they would. We rounded the bank at a quick pace, to see a pony waiting for us by the back door, dressed in a grey trench coat and fedora. Nickle pushed past me and whispered to the mysterious looking pony. "You got the key?"

The fedora clad pony simply nodded as he handed my brother the key to to the back door. Nickle levitated the key to the door, and quickly inserted it into the keyhole, turning it and unlocking the door. "Alright, wait by the carriage for your cut." He said to the associate pony. "Now let's get inside, and keep quiet. Pen, you know the building. You lead."

I nodded as I crept inside the doorway, Nickle and Donny following behind. On the inside, the bank looked even more like a prison at night. The lobby was huge, Teller desks evenly spaced all throughout, so as many ponies could access their accounts as possible. "Ugh..." Donny remarked in disgust. "I can see why you hated workin' here..."

"Wait, how did you know that?" I asked.

Nickle walked over and put a hoof on my shoulder. "I was planning on lettin' you into the outfit for a long time, Pen." He said nonchalantly. "Now, come on. Let's not waist any more time. Show us where the vault is." I nodded and walked past all the desks. I saw the one I used to sit at....it had a different nametag....they had already replaced me....I turned my back to it and kicked it over with my back legs.

"What are you doing?! We're not here to trash the place!" Nickle quietly shouted. "We can't make any noise!"

"Sorry!" I whispered. "I needed ta get that out of my system...."

"Just show us where the vault is!" Nickle shouted. I nodded and walked past the teller desks, and rounded a corner into the main office. The door was locked, and I didn't have a key. "Any o' you know an unlock spell?"

"Well, I ain't a unicorn, so..." Donny began.

Nickle sighed. "Looks like we're gonna have to get loud...." He levitated a chair up from one of the desks, and threw it through the window of the main office, shattering it. He then stuck his hoof through and opened the door from the inside. "Now, let's get to that vault. Lead the way, Pen. We don't have much time....that wasn't exactly the quietest noise in the world."

I quickly walked back to the head of the group, looking around for the main vault. Sure enough, it was there, right behind the manager's desk. Of course....the greedy punk loved looking at all that money....

"Dear Celestia....it's huge!" Donny remarked. "Imagine how much must be behind there!"

"It's a shame we can only take what we can carry....." Nickle said with a smile. "Alright Pen, you know the combo. Hurry and open it so we can getouttahere."

I nodded and stepped foreward. The truth was....I didn't know the combination of the vault....but, I couldn't tell them that right then....they'd murder me! So, my horn glowed, and a magical blue aura surrounded the dial. I tried my best to remember the positions the dial was turned to whenever I saw another teller open it..... "Well?" Nickle said. "Pick it up!" I said nothing, but I started shaking. C'mon....C'mon.... I thought to myself. Finally, I heard a click. I let out a sigh of relief as the door slowly opened.....it was beautiful....

There were piles, nay, MOUNTAINS of bits all over, as far as the eye cold see! And all of this money would go to waste....lining the pockets of the aristocratic tyrants who would only let it all go to waste...... "Alright, Pen....get the sacks. Take as much as you can carry!" Just when I levitated a sack over to Nickle, and a sack over to Donny, I heard a voice.

"Hey! What are you doing here?!" I looked over, it was the security guard!

"Shoot!" Nickle shouted. "I forgot about him!"

"I'm on to you hooligans! I've called the police, and I'm gonna detain you until they arrive!" The guard shouted.

"Pen! We'll take care of getting the score! You hold that guy off!" Nickle shouted.

"W-What?! But I ain't ever been in a fight before!" I shouted back.

"Just do whatever ya can, we don't have time to discuss this!" Nickle shouted as he gathered bits.

The guard ran toward Donnie and Nickle, but I quickly stood in front of him, rushing forward and knocking him down.

The guard pushed me off oh him, and brought his hooves down on my face. "OUCH!" I shouted as he stomped on my nose. He rolled me over and grabbed one of my hooves, taking a pair of hoof-cuffs out of his saddlebag. "Stop struggling!" He shouted. Oh no, there was no way I was gonna go to prison! I managed to rip my hoof away from him, smacking him in the face and pushing him off of me. I stood up, punching the guard in the face with a front hoof. "Not so tough now, are ya, huh?" I laughed as I hit him again. "Just back off, buddy!" He quickly took a billy club from his saddlebag and held it in his mouth, hitting me right in the face with it. I grunted in pain as I fell back down to the ground. "Ouch...That's it!" My horn glowed, ripping the billy club from his mouth. "I think somepony needs a time out!!" I managed to get the billy club behind him, bapping him across the flanks with it. "Ow!!" The guard shouted. "What the hay?!" I then cuffed him, and sat him down in a chair facing the corner. "Now stay there and think about what you've done!" I said. I then began rubbing my cheek. "Ow.....that really hurt!" Before I could turn back to the vault, surprisingly, I saw Goody running in. "Guys..." he rasped. I think this was the first time I heard him talk.... "Somepony tipped off the police! They're on their way!!"

"WHAT?!" Nickle shouted. "Alright, grab the bags, we are getting out of here!"

After I had finished my fight with the security guard, I had noticed that we had six bags, each filled to the brim with bits. Nickle carried two with his magic, I did the same, while Donny carried two on his back. We couldn't waste any time running around the building, so we just chucked a chair through the glass of the front door, causing the alarm to ring. The three of us quickly chucked the bags in the back of the carriage, while Goody climbed in front. Nickle, Donny and I quickly jumped in the back with Scarface. "What he heck was goin' on in there?!" Scarface asked.

"No time now, the cops are on us!" Nickle said to him. "Mugsy, get us out of here! But don't take us back to the Caveliere! We can't risk em finding it!"

Mugsy nodded, taking off in a full gallop as soon as we were all back in the carriage. We rode in silence for a few minutes. We all knew Manehatten's finest were after us, so we didn't feel we needed to discuss it. We all just....sat there awkwardly. No one spoke about the amout of bits we stole, and no one even talked about the security guard I left cuffed in the corner. Mugsy kept galloping, and Nickle would look out the back of the carriage every now and again to see if the fuzz caught up to us. I took a deep breathe. I had just robbed a bank.....and took Celestia knows how much money! Why wasn't I saying anything?! Was it the heat of the moment? Was it that I was afraid of getting caught? I didn't have time to think about it, as the silence was finally broken by a magic missile zooming past the carriage.

"Horsefeathers, they found us!" Nickle shouted. "Keep us running Mugsy! Shake em off of us!"

Mugsy grunted as he picked up the pace. Nickle poked his head out through the back window, I looked out through the side. We were being chased by three police carridges, the unicorns pulling them firing spells at us! "THIS IS CRAZY!!!" I shouted.

"Just shut up and shoot!" Scarface shouted from the other side, firing his own magic back at the cops.

"THIS IS THE MANEHATTEN POLICE DEPARTMENT!" One of the cops shouted through a megaphone. "PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE STREET IMMEDIATELY AND PREPARE TO BE DETAINED!"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!!" Nickle shouted. He then looked over at me. "Why are you just staring at them!? You def or somethin'? Shoot em!"

That got me out of my daze....this was so crazy....I was in the middle of a carriage chase turned into a fire fight with the police! Gulping down the lump in my throat, I fired two magic missiles at our pursuers, both being complete misses. My aim was never really that good....I gasped when one of my brother's shots hit the wheel of one of the carriages, sending it crashing right there on the street. "HOLY JEEZ!" I shouted.

"Shut up and shoot, kid!" Scarface shouted, sending another one of the carriages crashing with his own magic. Something rammed into us, sending us swerving a bit, as Mugsy stumbled. It was the final police carriage.

"PULL OVER, OR I WILL MAKE SURE YOU CRASH!" The cop shouted through his megaphone.

Acting out of impulse, I shot a magic missile.....I don't know what happened...I meant to hit the wheel....it hit the officer square in the chest, sending flying out of his carriage....I doubt he survived that fall....I froze....."Penny?" Nickle asked. I said nothing. "PENNY?!" He shouted again, as Scarface shot the wheel, causing the police carriage to back off.....we were silent once we were clear.....Mugsy began to slow down..... "Let's head back to The Cavalier...." Donny said to Mugsy. He grunted, and began trotting back, breathing heavily from all the running.

"Penny?" Nickle whispered again. "You ok, kid?"

"I-I....killed a pony...." I said.

Nickle sighed, placing an arm around me. "I'd be lying if I said that wasn't my reaction too....in this business, you see death every day....ya just gotta get used to it.It'll take a while but in time..."

"I get it...." I mumbled. I really wasn't in the mood to talk....After a few minutes, Donny started laughing. "We made it!" He shouted. "I can't believe we just did that!!!"

"Believe it, kid!" Scarface said. "Our first successful job!"

"Wait....first?" I asked.

Nickle nodded. "Yeah....we were small time for a long time....we could never get our business off of the ground....but now, ponies are gonna hear about this...our reputation will grow....hahaHAHA!!!!" He slapped me on the back and hugged me close. "And It's all because o' you!"

"M-Me?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Nickle shouted. "You knew the bank, you stalled the guard, and now we have just enough start-up money to get some real operations going!" "Y'know what?" He said. "I've been running this gang for a long time....we need a fresh face. Pen, how'd you like to be The Boss?"

My heart skipped the beat. "B-Boss!? B-But I only just joined!!!"

"I'll still be here as a Consigliere." He said. "Givin' you advice when you need it....but I want you on full time....think of it....The Pincher Family Mafia.... What do you say?"

This was all happening unbelievably fast......if I had known better then....no, nah, you know this bit. I didn't know better then. That's all you need to know. This was my chance...a chance to get back at the establishment, a chance to make something of my life.....a chance to be somepony.......I smiled brightly. "I'll do it!"

"Haha!" Donny shouted. "Tonight, we celebrate!"

"Of course we do! CIDER ALL AROUND!!!" Nickle shouted. Everypony except for Goody and Mugsy cheered. They both just, smiled lightly. I smiled too, laughing along with them. At the time, I was seeing a bright future....a future towards the money and power I deserved.....I was lost in my own day dreams as we rode off into the night......