Derpy Hooves Rides Dinosaurs

by I Am The Night

Derpy Hooves Rides a Dinosaur (With an RPG)

It was a warm, sunny day in the outskirts of Ponyville. The sun shone high in the sky, signifying that it was almost noon.

Ditzy Doo, or more commonly known as Derpy Hooves, was carelessly---and I mean carelessly---flying around the outer edge of town, eating her favorite snack, the muffin. She recalled the tasty flavors of it: The sweet taste of chocolate chips swirling around in her mouth. Normally, chocolate would be poisonous to kill a pony, but for the sake of this story, let's just say it's healthy.

Still, that doesn't mean she won't have to go to Colgate's every now and then.

"Mmmm," Derpy moaned, "Muuufffins..."

But soon, she ate whatever was left of the muffin, and now was sad. Then she became angry, blaming Ponyville for its lack of muffins. So she wanted revenge. But she didn't know how to get revenge.

So while she flew back down to the ground and walked, thinking of how to get revenge, she stumbled into a bush. What she took out settled her question: An RPG-7 Rocket Launcher.

She heard about these weapons back in the Canterlot Armory: Enough force to make them pay.

"To make all of them pay! Pay for not making enough muffins for ol' Derpy!" She laughed evilly into the emptiness, and was lucky no one could see or hear her. But with this bad boy, now they could. Now they will.

But she needed something that can assist her. Something that can move, that can cooperate with her in her destructive motives.

Then a thought hit her.


For what was like hours---but in reality, like, only an hour---Derpy searched far and wide across the Equestrian lands to search for what was known as the Dinosaur, a mysterious little bugger that vanished off the face of the planet 100 million years ago---so yeah, this story is 35 million years from now---from what was known as an asteroid. But that didn't matter. Derpy just wanted that damn Dino.

It was nearing 2 PM, and Derpy was tired, so she decided to take a rest on a snowy hill, letting the RPG down. However, she accidentally pressed the trigger, and a missile fired from it, flying into a village, destroying the town hall. Derpy felt no remorse. She only derped her eyes more than they already were and stifled a laugh.

But she realized the RPG was now empty. But she didn't worry, for there were more missiles back in the bush near Ponyville.

Derpy derped her eyes more and cringed at the name "Ponyville."

As she rested on the nice and comfortable hill to rebuild her energy, she shook when she felt the hill begin to move. Covered with snow, she realized that the hill she rested on was not a hill, but the long extinct Dinosaur, or as Derpy called it, the Velociraptor.

Yes, Derpy knows this stuff. Shut up.

"Yes, I finally found you!" Derpy exclaimed. "Finally, my plan of destruction will be complete!"

Out of nowhere, Derpy grabbed a halter---I assume from her plot, tehe---and began to put it on the Velociraptor's head, fastening it tightly. Patting it on the head, it purred like a cat---because why not?

"Now, Velo," Derpy exclaimed, holding up the RPG, pointing in the direction where she came from.

"To Ponyville!"

Reluctantly, the Velociraptor obeyed, and began to walk its 100 million year old legs forward into the direction Derpy pointed, and now they were well on their way towards the new hell: Ponyville.

Now heading back on the back of the Velociraptor, it was a much lesser time to return. Retrieving whatever missiles were left in the bushes, Derpy inserted one into the RPG, and like that, they crossed the bridge leading into the town of Ponyville.

The first blast took countless ponies by surprise before meeting their untimely demise. The sheer detail of it was...chaotic. Explosions everywhere, here and there; ponies flying up, down, left, right; buildings spontaneously combusting in a fireball, burning wildly just before plunging to the ground in a plume of dust and debris.

Derpy shot a rocket towards the Golden Oaks Library; she didn't care who was in it. All that mattered was that they payed, DEARLY. Another shot fired at the elementary school; no bodies flew out. Derpy knew school was over by now, and she wasn't cruel to kill off a bunch of innocent kids. That's just begging to put an M rating on the show.

Aiming upward, Derpy shot yet another missile straight towards the city of Cloudsdale, but alas, it was made of clouds, thus, the missile went right through it, and Derpy was sad. But her eyes derped further and she smiled when it came back down, touching a pillar and lighting the entire city ablaze. She laughed evilly as she witnessed this, while Velo helped himself to innocent ponies who came into his path, and they were delicious.

A little over 30 minutes passed, and by then, the carnage was over. Ponies scattered everywhere, most buildings crumbled, laying in ruins. Fires were scattered and still burning in buildings still standing, the smoke rising high into the air.

By now, Velo's stomach was full, and the rockets were all launched, except for one. Derpy launched them at a large stack of boxes that looked untouched by the attacks. With the last rocket, she fired, and the boxes blew up, scattering pieces everywhere, and she smiled in a derpy way---hence her name.

"That will teach them not to forget muffins next time," Derpy said in her mind, watching the pieces fall.

But they weren't pieces of the box at all. One hitting Derpy in the head, she looked at what hit her. She put a hoof to her mouth; and her eyes watered quickly.


Indeed, the pieces flying up then back down were not at all the pieces of the boxes, but rather, of muffins. Derpy got off Velo and looked around at the muffins falling around the place. Piece by piece, they all fell, none of them intact. They made contact with the ground, getting dirty and full of bacteria. Derpy tried and tried to get as much as she could, but it was all burnt from the RPG blast.

Her voice quivered, squeaked with sadness; her tears flew freely down her face. She felt herself begin to cry. Looking up into the air [like what most anime characters do during a sad moment], she screamed.


Derpy awoke with a scream. She shivered, quivered, and looked around. She was not in the destroyed Ponyville, watching muffins fall from the sky in ruins and crying her eyes out; she was once again in her bedroom of her home, sleeping in her muffin bed.

She sniffed, still a bit teared up from the dream which turned nightmare quickly. She hugged her bed tightly, sniffing again.


She didn't move for well over an hour. By the time she did, it was almost noon, and she got over the dream. Getting up from her bed, she walked downstairs, going into the kitchen to grab her favorite snack: the muffin.

And she enjoyed every moment of it. It brought Deja Vu to her mind, bringing her back to the dream. She couldn't cry anymore. She didn't want to. She had a muffin.

But when she finished her muffin and went to get another, they were gone. Derpy became sad again and was ready to once again cry. Then she heard a knock on her door. Walking over and opening it, she saw no one standing there, but upon looking down, she found herself staring at a box, and a big one, at that.

Looking closer with her derped eyes, she saw a note on it. Taking the note and reading it, it read:

Happy birthday to my bestest, silliest friend in the whole, wide world! From: Pinkie Pie!

Putting the note down, she wondered what was inside the box. Opening it, she smiled, her eyes becoming straight and even brighter than they were.