//------------------------------// // An Ill Favoured Thing // Story: Hoofed by Your Own Petard // by Tortfeasor //------------------------------// Hoofed by Your Own Petard Disclaimer: I’m going to have to say this a lot aren’t I? I don’t own My Little Pony. Chapter One: An Ill Favoured Thing “Twilight. Twilight! Twilight Sparkle!” The pony in question jerked herself awake from her small desk as her roommate’s shouts finally yanked her from the depths of sleep. “Finally, you need to get going or you’ll be late for work. I swear, I don’t even know why you have a bed. Most of the time you fall asleep at that desk anyways.” Twilight only half heard her roommate after she was through shouting her name as she dragged herself back to consciousness. Her first concern upon waking was making sure she hadn’t drooled on her books or done anything else while asleep that might damage them. A quick check revealed they were all undamaged. Twilight held in a relieved sigh at her discovery, she was nearing graduation and selling her books back to the college was an annual ritual that always netted her some much needed bits. At last nearing something resembling being awake Twilight started shuffling around her small room getting ready for work. Her saddlebags took next to no time to pack; they’d have taken even less if it wasn’t paynight tonight. Not that her saddlebags ever took much time to pack, such a small room didn’t allow the possibility of having enough things to ever make a lengthy packing process. Since failing the entrance exam to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns Twilight Sparkle had stumbled from one failure to another. Being rejected by one top level magical school seemed to chill all the others on her admission. Being neither nobles nor particularly wealthy, Twilight’s parents couldn’t talk or buy her way into any prestigious schools. So she’d gone home and been incredibly bored in public school with other unicorns who could have been earth ponies for all the interest in magic they had. Not that she wasn’t smart or intelligent, quite the opposite in fact. Twilight Sparkle had a most impressive aptitude for book learning. Unfortunately ever since the day she’d failed her entrance exam she didn’t have the magic power to back her smarts up. Some of it, a fair bit she would admit, was due to her being scared she might repeat that day. But there had been since that day a sense that maybe she really had injured the parts of her body that handled magic by trying to push them so far at such a young age. Worse than injuring her magic or being rejected from multiple schools, she was still a blank flank. She’d tried everything she could think of to try and find her talent but years of effort had left her with nothing to show for it. At wits end she’d decided to continue studying magic for no other reason than that she liked it. Just because she had no talent was no reason to be miserable about it. Being a non-wealthy commoner of only middling magical ability Twilight Sparkle’s choices for higher magical education had been quite limited. The Starswirl the Bearded and Clover the Clever Universities in Canterlot proper wouldn’t even look at Twilight’s application; never mind that they seemed to still remember her failed exam all those years ago. The Princess Platinum Academy on level one of the undercity looked at her application, but that was a mere courtesy. Twilight felt lucky enough to have made it into the Canterlot 4th Level Magical College on her book scores. Level four of the undercity was still a solidly middle class population. Level six, where her apartment was, was the border between the middle classes of Canterlot’s undercity and the poorer ponies below. And work, lovely work, was on level seven. The Touchy Hooves Gentlecolts club was hardly the sort of place Twilight wanted to work but ever since failing that exam it was the sort of place she somehow knew she’d end up working. It could have been worse, Twilight reminded herself in an effort to cheer up. She’d gone down to level nine once on a dare from a classmate and would never do that again. She couldn’t imagine working let alone living down there; and she hadn’t even seen the lowest three levels where the absolute poorest ponies lived hoof to mouth. Touchy Hooves though was bad enough though. If Twilight hadn’t needed the money to pay for college she never would have taken the job. The tips she made did bring in a lot of money, more perhaps because unlike nearly all her co-workers she didn’t spend all her money on drugs just as soon as she got her bits. Lots of the others also spread their legs after work to various ‘patrons’ to get more bits that went right into their drug habits. “Hey Twilight, ready for another ‘exciting’ night?” Twilight turned to see the only other pony at the club she regarded as anything close to a friend. “Good evening Shady, I’m more excited than most nights,” Twilight stepped around several of ponies to reach the vanity where she would gussy herself up for the amusement of the patrons, “It’s paynight tonight.” “I’ll be more excited next paynight,” The dark pink earth pony planted herself at the vanity next to Twilight’s, “It’s the Summer Sun Celebration tomorrow so lots of ponies will be out partying tonight and for the next few nights. That means lots of tips.” Twilight sighed, “Celestia knows I need the bits, it’s why I asked to be up on stage tonight rather than serving drinks. Tuition racks up pretty quick when you add summer semester classes to the normal load. But it’s cheaper than another full semester.” “I know you’re graduating at the end of the summer,” Shady laughed, “you practically jump around back here when you talk about it. At least you’re out of here after that, I’m so jealous of you.” “I hope I’m out of here, I’ll still need a job once I graduate to pay back all my student loans.” Twilight smiled nervously. “I landed an interview at the royal library tomorrow before all the celebrations kick off. If that goes well I don’t know that I’d even wait for next paynight before quitting.” “I wouldn’t blame you. I keep looking for any other job, but with no high school diploma I don’t exactly have offers piling up at my door. I know I could get my degree and try some college on my off hours like you but I don’t know how you stay sane, I’d never pull it off.” Twilight was about to respond when she heard the music change, she knew that was her cue to get ready to go out dancing. She thought she looked ridiculous in the makeup and outfits required for the job but it was what brought in bits. “Even if I do get out of here there’s one thing I’ll always wonder. We don’t wear clothes most of the time anyways. So why do stallions come here rather than sit at a street side café and watch mares go by?” “Don’t think about it,” Shady laughed, “If you’re getting out of here the less you think about this place the better. Now go make bits so you can ditch this place forever.” -- Rainbow Dash walked down the streets of Ponyville; her wings mostly tucked but still slightly let out in an effort to cover her blank flank. The sky had only a few clouds left in preparation for tomorrow; a clear sign that the weather team she was part of was a top notch unit. And a good chunk of that was her personal work. She might not have been the best flier in all Equestria, joining the Wonderbolts would only ever be a dream, but she knew she was still a good flier and would never leave anypony hanging. Not that she ever had many opportunities to leave ponies hanging. Her flying skills were good but not good enough to make up for her short temper or the disdain with which most ponies viewed blank flanks. Her only real friend over the years had been Fluttershy. After Rainbow Dash had saved her at the pegasus race the yellow pegasus had saved her many times over, more often than not from herself. This latest weather team was composed of good ponies and with Fluttershy’s urging she was trying mightily to control her temper. She hoped it would work out but she was already steeling herself to spend another stretch of nights on Fluttershy’s couch as she looked for another job. Speaking of her only friend, Fluttershy was floating next to a tree filled with birds chirping out a lively melody that would accompany Celestia’s arrival tomorrow. “Hey Fluttershy,” her interruption scattered the birds and caused the yellow pegasus to drop to the ground with a squeak. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, you scared me.” Fluttershy calmed considerably upon seeing who had interrupted her, “and you also scared the birds away.” “That’s no big deal, I’ve been scaring animals for years and you always bring them back. I’m starting to think your cutie mark isn’t talking with animals it’s coaxing them back after I scare them.” “You aren’t that bad with animals. You just need to be a bit quieter with them. And you know, not snap at them. Not that you’re snappish or anything.” “It’s okay,” Rainbow Dash sighed, “I know I’ve got a short temper. But I’m getting better… I mean I’ve been with this same team for almost four months now! Just keep making sure I don’t screw this up and there might finally be a time in my adult life where I don’t spend most nights out of the year on your couch.” “I don’t mind you sleeping on my couch.” Fluttershy somehow managed to make it seem like she was the one imposing on Rainbow Dash. “You’ve learned how to be good at cleaning up after yourself and how to get around really quietly when you come in late.” “I…” Rainbow Dash fumbled for a response, “I should probably let you get back to practicing. Ponies might not look up at the sky tomorrow before the sun comes up but they’ll definitely hear the singing.” Waving goodbye to her friend Rainbow Dash decided to fly back into Ponyville. The banquet wouldn’t be laid out until tomorrow but there was some food already set up for the ponies working in town hall. She was sure nopony would mind if she ducked in and grabbed a bit for herself, it might not have been indoor work but weather patrol was still work. “Miss! Excuse me miss!” The shout interrupted Rainbow Dash as she was so close to her prize that she had to bite back several choice words. Rainbow Dash looked down to see an orange earth pony with a blonde mane piled on her head in curls. Of course it would be some stuck up city pony with an ego bigger than the sky bothering her. Descending, she saw the pony’s cutie mark was a quill and what looked like a magnifying glass running parallel across a sheet of paper. What in Equestria did this pony want with her? “Yeah,” Rainbow Dash landed rather roughly hoping that combined with her tone of voice it would convey her irritation, “what do you want?” Applejack was rather taken aback at the brusqueness of the pegasus who had just thumped down in front of her. She’d thought before moving to Manehatten that the more rural areas of Equestria were populated entirely with ponies much more polite than their urban counterparts. Every time she came back to Ponyville to visit her family that was a belief she found to be more and more of the silly childhood variety. “My name is Applejack,” long lessons from the Oranges let her betray nothing of what she thought on her face, “I’m a reporter from the Manehatten Times and I’m doing a story on the Summer Sun Celebration.” “And I’m just in town for weather patrol,” the foul tempered pegasus replied, “so I’m no good for any of your stories. Now if you don’t mind I’d like to get some lunch sometime today.” “Actually that’s not the case,” Applejack was determined that at least one pony in this conversation would remain polite, “the preparations for the celebration are quite important and I’m trying to talk to at least one pony from every preparation team. I’m actually rather impressed that somepony whose talent isn’t weather would be on the weather patrol for such an important event.” “You got a problem with blank flanks?!” Applejack knew that blank flanks could be touchy about their lack of a cutie mark but this pegasus seemed to combine that with a particularly short fuse on her temper. “I can clear this sky in forty five seconds flat! I bet you can find somepony who’ll claim they can do it in something crazy like ten seconds flat but they have no idea how dangerous it is flying that fast. You make one mistake and ponies can get hurt, ponies can die. So yeah you want some crazy flier you can get anypony you want but if you want somepony who can do the job and keep everypony in one piece then you want me, Rainbow Dash.” “Okay,” the outburst made Applejack come dangerously close to reverting to a drawl before recovering, “I never said I didn’t believe you. But I do note that there are still clouds in the sky, an opportunity to make good on your boast?” “Hey I don’t leave ponies hanging,” Rainbow Dash jabbed Applejack with a hoof, “they leave me hanging.” The sky blue pegasus took off into the sky and true to her word set back down forty five seconds later having cleared the sky of clouds. It had been quite a show, clearly she was a skilled flier, but Applejack couldn’t help noticing, flightless though she was, that Rainbow Dash seemed to be holding herself back. “I told you, forty five seconds flat. Now I’m going to go get some food before it’s all gone.” Before Applejack could even open her mouth the pegasus had taken back to her wings and set off for town hall. On hoof it took Applejack several minutes to reach Ponyville’s town hall. By then Rainbow Dash had apparently raided the food set out for the workers and made her escape because she was nowhere to be seen. “More gems everypony! This place is going to be a party when the sun comes up tomorrow and I want them to smile so big their faces crack when they see what we’ve done with the place!” The pink earth pony with a cutie mark of two blue balloons and one yellow balloon was every bit as loud as the blue pegasus had been but seemed to be possessed of a much cheerier disposition. It came as no surprise to Applejack however when a quick look at the end of one of the strings of gems revealed the stylized R of Rare Gems. Of course one of largest gem mining companies in Equestria would get the contract to decorate Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration. That its CEO Rarity was a personal friend of Princess Celestia had absolutely nothing to do with any of the contracts Rare Gems ever got. Applejack would have given her back left hoof to bust somepony like Rarity just as some of her co-workers had busted other corporate fatponies but the unicorn seemed to live up to all her grandstanding about generosity. She’d exposed several other executives skimming corporate funds but while Rarity did live well Applejack had dug up nothing about incriminating about her despite her best efforts. “Will you have all those gems strung up in time for the Princess to raise the sun?” Applejack walked up to the pink earth pony apparently in charge of the decorations. “Of course silly, Rarity and I are both from Ponyville. There’s no way we’d let this be anything but the biggest and best party this town has ever seen!” Again Applejack was thankful to the Oranges for their lessons that let her show none of what she felt behind the mask of a polite smile. This was Pinkie Pie, Rarity’s partner and the chief gem inspector of Rare Gems. Regardless of if it ever led to the very top of the chain any dirt Applejack could dig up on this pony could only do good things for her career. Even if she was as squeaky clean as Rarity looked this could be a huge scoop for the paper. “My name is Applejack,” she extended a hoof that Pinkie Pie took and pumped quite energetically, “I’m a reporter for the Manehatten Times doing a story on this year’s Summer Sun Celebration. I do hope it wouldn’t be imposing on you to ask for a little bit of your time.” “Oh not at all,” Pinkie Pie seemed to nearly quiver with excitement, “Like I said Rarity and I want this to be the biggest and best party Ponyville has ever seen. So we went out and got these gems ourselves, just like we did when we were fillies growing up here. And they’re going to look great! It took Rarity forever to be satisfied with the gems but it was totally worth it. When Celestia raises the sun tomorrow this place is going to look like a sonic rainboom went off in here!” Applejack let Pinkie Pie keep talking for several minutes, she seemed to need no urging to keep going, and got plenty to run a story that would make her editors back in Manehatten a group of very happy ponies. Nothing even remotely useful for an exposé though. Applejack had harbored a distrust of the upper crust of pony society, except Princess Celestia, ever since reading that newspaper article all those years ago. As unpleasant as it was to even admit possibility it was possible that Rarity and Pinkie Pie were indeed simply country fillies who had made it big and not let the wealth go to their heads. Before she could continue down that particular line of thinking she was interrupted by a very familiar voice. “Applejack, Applejack! Get over here!” Quickly excusing herself Applejack turned to face the one pony in all Equestria who well and truly scared her. “Hello Granny Smith.” Her response was the painful impact of a hoof with her head, “Don’t you talk all fancy city like to me young filly. You’re a country born and raised pony.” It wasn’t a true effort to switch but Applejack had spoken like a Manehatten pony for so long that she did have to think to go back to the drawl the Apple family used. “I know, I know, I just gotta talk all fancy like with some of these ponies or they think I’m stupid. Sometimes that’s useful but if I’m gonna get this story done I gotta sound like a smart city pony.” Granny Smith’s glare said she clearly didn’t believe Applejack but wasn’t willing to push the issue. “Well you don’t need to talk fancy like to go set up the table for the food tomorrow. Now go help your brother and sister so I can go home and make sure the farm hasn’t burned down yet.” “But Granny Smith I just got this great interview and I gotta go write it up right now if I’m…” Applejack was a strong willed pony but before her grandmother’s glare she was still the nervous filly who had set off for the big city, “Yes ma’am.” It wasn’t that Applejack didn’t like spending time with her family; she was staying at the farm and even planned to stay a few days past the celebration to visit them. She just really needed to get this story written before somepony from some other paper beat her to it. “Thanks for helpin’ us Applejack,” Applebloom had apparently wandered over from where the tables were being set up. “I promise we’ll try to work fast so you can get back to the farm and write your story.” “Thanks Applebloom,” Applejack decided to stick with the drawl as long as she was working with her family, “we can get this done faster than greased lighting. Ain’t that right Big Macintosh?” “Eeyup,” came the reply. It would be nice to work with her brother and sister again but once she got back to the farm Applejack was really going to have to write faster than greased lighting to get that story out first. ---- Quick note: I’ve decided to use the blog to post commentary on the chapters, go check that out and make people think it’s the cool thing to do.