//------------------------------// // Fourth Chapter: We Lost Control Pretty Quickly // Story: Long Story Short, Things Went Down // by Aragon //------------------------------// Bon Bon, Lyra, and Derpy had been playing tic-tac-toe for what seemed like hours when Vinyl’s voice finally came through the communicator. “Girls, do it now! The guard is distracted!” “Ah?” Derpy raised her head, a huge grin in her face. “Is he seducing the guard already?” Silence. “He’s trying and that’s what really matters here,” said Vinyl. “Anyway, move! You gotta be fast!” Derpy frowned at those words, but said nothing. By her side, Lyra and Bon Bon got up and prepared the drugs. The plan was easy. Bon Bon had to take the sack with the biggest amount of mixed herbs and toss it in the front garden; Derpy would hold a smaller part with her hooves and toss it in the second floor; and finally Lyra would use her magic to put the drugs into the first floor. Nothing could go wrong if they followed those steps. Once each one was holding her part, Lyra closed her eyes, her horn glittered and a little spark appeared in the center of every pile of drugs. Without saying a word, Bon Bon ran to the front door with the sack in her mouth, and Derpy flew as fast as possible to the open window she had seen before. The reason why they were running was simple: knowing that you’re holding enough drugs to stone an entire party wasn’t exactly a comfortably thought. Unconsciously, the three of them saw the herbs as a bomb, something they had to throw away soon. And who would have guessed? They were right! If Vinyl or Turner had been a little more into the drug world they would have known that some ponies had tried to smoke FTS before, because there are really stupid ponies out there. But shortly after those experiments, everypony agreed that FTS had to be sniffed after all, mostly because that plant had an unusual way to deal with extreme heat. For some reason, evolution had decided that the FTS had to produce an orange liquid when in contact with the fire. An orange liquid that was highly flammable, that’s it. Evolution can be a bitch sometimes. Now, it’s easy to hold a pile of burning herbs without breathing the smoke if you’re careful. But if the herbs suddenly explode? Then it becomes a little harder. Bon Bon’s sack was so filled with FTS that the thing exploded too soon for her to throw it away—but luckily for her, the sack did a very good job on holding the smoke, so she could throw the thing before breathing anything, although it sure scared the shit out of her. The thing exploded again in midair. Lyra’s pile was a little smaller, so it didn’t explode until she was already throwing it through the window. She was also lucky enough to avoid getting any smoke on her lungs. But Derpy had no sack or magic to hold the drugs—she was carrying them on her hooves, which incidentally happened to be right under her nose, because that’s where hooves usually are. The thing exploded right in her face, and she certainly took a deep breath. How exactly did she manage to throw that thing inside the mansion through the window when it had already exploded would remain as a mystery for the ages. Once that thing got in, it exploded a second time. And a third time. And then once more because why not? In less than fifteen seconds, the front garden and the first two floors were completely filled with a white and dense smoke, because an explosive drug might not be perfect, but does a marvelous job at delivering smoke to every single corner of a room in record time. And as the smoke was a mix between five different drugs plus one flammable plant, everypony was stoned out of his mind in less than twenty seconds. Soon all the ponies in there were wondering why were they screaming, then looking at their hooves and marveling at the fact that they were so huge, dude. A couple stallions suddenly realized they were hungry and started chewing their own clothes. A mare decided that kissing with her sister-in-law had turned into a very good idea all of a sudden. Meanwhile, a good-looking white stallion named Cheating Bastard arrived at the main door, wondering why there was no guard and what was that weird white smoke in the mansion. Carrot’s smirk faded for the first time in the whole night, and all the ponies in the floor relaxed visibly. The fact that they were happy to see that smirk replaced by a bunch of random explosions said a lot about Carrot’s face. Of course, a couple seconds later the nobleponies realized that, even though they were better than the psychopathic smile, a bunch of random explosions weren’t technically a good thing. The nobleponies didn’t know what to do. They just stood there, unsure. Was something dangerous down their hooves? Had something bad happened? Did they need to run away? Then Carrot took the lead and went to the stairs. She was pretty sure that, somehow the explosions had something to do with her. Or with her friends. She had spent enough time with them to learn to recognize their signature in the weird stuff that was always happening around her. What were they doing in the party, though, she didn’t know. Of course, when you hear something exploding in the building you’re in, running to the main source of the explosions just to be sure what is happening is not the best choice you could make. One could say it was almost a stupid decision. Carrot Top didn’t know that. Once she went downstairs she had exactly four seconds of wondering what was the deal with that white smoke before being too high to actually care. And the nobleponies followed her without thinking, because, after all, that’s what nobleponies do all the time. They follow the lead, go with the new trend without thinking too much about what’s happening. And if the new trend was entering that place with so much smoke looking for explosions, well, that’s what they are going to do. No pain, no gain, they say. And of course, they got stoned too. Not as much because of the smoke as for the social pressure. When every important pony in the party—be it Fleur de Lis, be it Royal Ribbon, be it Blueblood himself—-is stoned out of his mind, you just can’t afford not being hopped-up if you still want to be a part of high society. Carrot Top realized this when she turned around and saw that thirty nobleponies were looking at her with goofy, bloodshot eyes. Those ponies would do whatever she wanted them to do. She was their leader now, if only because she was the one who looked like she knew what to do. “Yes,” mumbled Carrot, fighting against the sleepiness with a wild smile. “This is going to be funny!” When you were lost in the middle of the woods that surrounded Blueblood’s place, you wouldn't believe you were in the biggest city in all of Equestria. Perhaps it was because Blueblood was a prince after all, or perhaps it was because Canterlot’s architecture was as weird as a centipede in rollerblades. Anyway, Octavia thought the place where she was right now felt just like the forest near the village where she had been raised. She felt one with nature once again, and that was odd. She would have said something about it, but her lips were busy pressing against Steel Bar’s. The guard seemed extremely happy right then, and being honest, Octavia also felt optimistic. They had been kissing for a long tme by now, and it was clear that he wanted something more—but of course, Octavia wasn’t going to sleep with him just like that. Not in the woods, at least. They weren’t wild animals. The kiss was nice though. Steel Bar sure knew how to treat a lady. I wouldn’t mind spending the entire night doing this... “Um, Tavi? You there?” Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator, startling her. Octavia moaned as an answer (not that she could do anything else). “Oh, yeah, and I see you’re busy. Eh, nevermind I’ll just...” Uh-oh. There was something odd in the way Vinyl had said those words. Octavia would have sighed if she hadn’t been so busy kissing Steel Bar. With a groan, she broke the kiss and looked into Steel’s eyes. “Hey,” she said, softly. “Wait a minute there, darling.” “Uh?” “You’re talking to me?” Vinyl asked. “Wait, no, you’re with the guard. Anyway, uh, I see you’re doing good, so—” “Steel...?” Octavia put her hooves behind his neck and hugged him in the sexiest way possible. Slowly, she muzzled his ear, his face lost in Octavia’s mane. “Hmmmm?” he said. “Catch me,” she whispered. And then she broke the hug and trotted away surprisingly fast (because, as everypony knew, trotting fast is sexier than running. It’s all in the hips) while giggling in a girly fashion. Giggling in such a way without sounding stupid was an art on its own, and Octavia was the best at it. Steel Bar stood there, dumbfounded, for a couple seconds, and then he chuckled and ran after her. Octavia had discovered long ago the secret that lived inside every stallion’s heart: they were both extremely stupid and extremely romantic. Mares were a little more difficult to seduce, but stallions? She had the theory that they were so stupid because they were so romantic, and they were so romantic only because they were too stupid not to be so. It was like a perfect circle of idiocy and cheesy pickup lines. Of course, there were some exceptions to the rule. There were some stallions that had absolutely zero poetry deep inside, the truly stupid ones, but Octavia didn’t get near those ponies. Steel Bar wasn’t one of those ponies, though. He had tasted the sweetness in Octavia’s lips, and now she was running in front of him, light as a feather, fast as gazelle, dancing between the trees. Her mane and tail floated in the wind, her laughter was fresh as a river in summer and sometimes she looked back and winked at him. Even though he didn’t know it, Steel Bar was seeing Octavia as a fairy, an illusion, a spirit. A force of nature. Something to behold and run after, something to laugh with, to love, to protect. He chased her for the pure pleasure of chasing, forgetting everything that surrounded him. Long story short: he’s stupid. Just like any other stallion in existence. Between fresh-like-a-river-in-summer laughter and teasing-yet-loving winks, Octavia turned her attention to the communicator and answered Vinyl. It wasn’t as difficult as it sounded, mostly because Octavia had played the fairy/gazelle/whatever role endless times—Steel Bar wasn’t the first pony falling for this, and he surely wouldn’t be the last. “Vinyl, I can talk now. What’s happening?” “What the...?” Vinyl’s voice sounded confused. “Are you running? Tavi, you’re supposed to distract the guard! You can’t just—!” “He’s after me, it’s all part of the plan. And I’m not running, that’s unsexy.” She turned around and wiggled her tail a little. Steel Bar was very close to her, but you just didn’t catch a pony that had been raised in the woods like that. She zigzagged between the trees, and soon the guard was pretty far away. “And trust me: this stallion is easier to play than my cello.” “Oh.” “What the hell is happening, Vinyl? You’ve been acting weird lately,” Octavia said. “This is the second time you interrupt me, and you sound weirder than usual.” “Gee, thanks.” “Like, you sound actually worried about something.” Octavia turned around. Good, he’s still a few meters behind. “You’re too stupid to be worried about something that’s not important.” “We could talk about this later, it’s not so—” “You were the one interrupting me when I couldn’t talk, so I’m going to take that sentence as the idiocy it is.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “Look, you obviously want to tell me something right now, so stop playing dumb and just say it.” “Um. Well, I... Ahem.” Vinyl gulped “I talked with Derpy, you see?” “And?” An awkward pause. When Vinyl talked again, she sounded like smiling, but there was something odd in that voice. “Oh, nothing, she just told me you two had a little divertimento together, and, you know? I was actually surprised! Heh, who would have guessed? I can’t blame you, though. Derpy is pretty cute.” Octavia’s eyes opened wide. A cold feeling appeared in her chest, and she could feel her smile fading. A quick look behind her revealed that Steel was approaching her again. She bit her lip. She really didn’t want to be running while having that conversation. In fact, she didn’t want to have that conversation, period. But There was no way to avoid it now. “Vinyl, I can—” “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I’m angry or something.” Vinyl laughed. “It’s just that, well, you know. I think I can understand your train of thoughts—” Definitely, no way to avoid the conversation now. Octavia gulped and felt the nervousness become almost solid in her stomach. “Hold on,” she whispered, “I need to hide.” “Hide?” “Hide.” And so she did. There’s this particular understanding of how the woods work you get when you’re raised in them, and Octavia sure had spent entire days in forests. Besides, it was dark and her entire body was grey—hiding in plain sight was not easy, it was foal’s play. A simple turn, a little effort in her legs and next thing Steel Bar knew, he was completely alone in the forest. Octavia, hunkering down behind a bush, could see him stopping and looking for her, still dumbfounded. Octavia sighed. “Vinyl,” she said, “I can explain, really. I didn’t do anything with Derpy, okay? It was just fooling around, I promise it’s not anything worth mentioning.” She bit her lip. Damn, that sounded bad. “I mean, it’s not like I go with mares all the time, okay? It’s more like, uh, I—” “You were just afraid of ponies saying you, well, saying that you are a slut or something,” interrupted Vinyl. “And don’t worry, I can totally accept that! Like, I can see why didn’t you tell me and instead went to Derpy.” Vinyl had disconnected every conversation but the one she was having with Octavia. She was grinning, or at least trying to. She could feel a heavy weight in her stomach. What to say? She was horrible with words, yet desperately wanted to have this conversation. Damn it, dealing with friends is hard. “Well, no, I can’t understand why did you go to Derpy. I mean, I didn’t know she liked mares.” Vinyl gulped. “Although, who doesn’t right?” “Vinyl...” “But, you know.” Vinyl bit her lip and looked at the ground. She felt something that resembled pain in her voice. “You should’ve talked with me.” “Vinyl, it’s complicated, okay? I just—” “Oh, I know what happened!” Vinyl forced a laugh. “It’s just that you didn’t want to take it seriously, right? Like, just fooling around.” She felt a bitter taste in her mouth. “Like you always do.” Silence fell between them for a couple seconds. When Octavia talked, she had a sharp tone. “Would you mind repeating that, Vinyl?” “Anyway,” she said, ignoring Octavia, “it’s not like I would have taken anything seriously. I mean, I would’ve liked you to actually tell me that you fancied mares too, and I, eh, would...” She shook her head. “I don’t know, we could have ended the night doing what you did to Derpy because, well, we’re talking about you here, and... I swear it would have meant absolutely nothing for me, okay? That’s what... that’s all I wanted to say.” Silence again. “Uh, Tavi, I just realized that my wording may have been a little—!” “Vinyl,” interrupted Octavia, “fuck you.” And then a weird noise came from the communicator and the signal died. The white smoke was pretty dense, so inside the house every room felt like a swamp in a horror film. In the garden, on the other hoof, you could see everything. And everything mostly meant stoned nobleponies, statues, tables with food and two ponies looking at the show that had unfolded in front of them from the woods, out of reach from the smoke. They had inhaled a little bit, so they felt a little dizzy, but not dizzy enough to be really stoned. Bon Bon wasn’t really sure about what to think of their plan. On the one hoof, it had worked. On the other hoof, it had worked a little too well and she had the feeling that it wasn’t as good as it sounded. The explosive sack had been just scary, and now the nobles were… well. “So… Did you know this was going to happen?” Lyra asked absentmindedly while staring at two stallions that were bumping into each other head-first. “Because holy shit, I think that it’d been less than two minutes and this is already a crazy party.” Bon Bon shrugged. “Yeah, of course I knew. You see, I’m a specialist on—” “Okay so this is pretty weird. I don’t really know what to do right now.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Yo Derpy. You there?” “You don’t know what to do right now.” Bon Bon looked at her. “You’re implying that usually you do know what you’re doing? Don’t make me laugh.” Derpy didn’t answer. “Vinyl? Turner?” No answer either. “Ok, so we’re alone.” Bon Bon looked at the mansion again. The two stallions were lying on the ground. Almost everypony was just sitting and laughing and doing something silly. It would have been boring if it hadn’t been for the fact that they were nobleponies. Like, Bon Bon could see their fancy dresses and stuff, and it was just bizarre. Seeing a dude who obviously was a duke or something licking the ground was not a thing you’d see every day. “And that’s a very bad thing. I say we should go in there head-first and breathe as much smoke as possible while doing something idiotic and completely forgetting that our main goal is to rescue Carrot Top. Also we can end up hurting some noble while we’re at it. Like, kicking somepony through a window or something. I’m sure that would be a good plan.” Lyra looked at her. “And now you’re trying to out-sarcasm me even though I didn’t say a word?” “You obviously want to go in there and do something stupid.” “You’re insulting me again. I don’t know if you remember what happened last time you did so.” “Yeah.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow at her. “You kicked me and then came after me like a lost puppy because I wasn’t talking. What a cute fucking psychopath are you. Want a cookie?” “You really want trouble, don’t you?” “Yes.” “Shut up.” “Go to hell.” Bon Bon sighed and looked at the garden. She wanted to go home as soon as possible, but the night had been incredibly long already and she had the feeling that it had barely started. “This sucks.” “What was exactly the plan, once again?” Lyra asked. “We drug them, and once they’re stoned we go in there and rescue Carrot Top.” “Uh-huh.” Lyra nodded. “But we can’t go in there.” “No, because we would get stoned too. You know what? I think you should go first and I can look at you from here and throw a rock at you or something while you’re defenseless. I bet that would be funny.” Lyra said nothing. Bon Bon frowned. “So we’re stuck here watching these assholes laugh their asses off. This could only get better if Vinyl started yelling at us again.” “You really didn’t think this out very well.” Lyra looked at her side and her horn started to glow. A small rock glowed with magic and went up. “You’re an idiot.” “What are you doing?” “Trying your plan B.” “I don’t have any plan B.” Lyra’s face had that smirk of hers that make water turn into ice. It was her warmer smile, Bon Bon thought. “Watch me,” the unicorn said. And then she threw the rock. Bon yelped in surprise as she saw that thing flying through the garden and hitting the earth-licking stallion right in the forehead. He fell to the ground at the impact, and then started yelling like a madpony while caressing his forehead, still on the ground. “Woah.” Lyra blinked. “He’s freaking out.” “You threw a rock at him.” “Yeah, well, it was your idea.” Lyra levitated another rock and threw it again, this time hitting a mare. She also started screaming. Some of the ponies that were close to her looked at her with bewildered faces. “She’s also freaking out,” Lyra said. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “I thought that screaming like that was normal, y’see. I’m pretty sure that the drugs have absolutely nothing to do with it.” While she talked, Lyra levitated a new rock and threw it again. A third pony started screaming. “Also you can stop now.” “Why?” Lyra looked at her, still smirking. “It’s funny. They don’t even move! Look at them; they’re so busy looking at their own hooves that they hadn’t noticed I’m throwing shit at them!” “Uh-huh.” Bon Bon nodded. “So you’re going to keep doing this?” Another rock went flying, and a new noblepony started screaming. “Eyup. Until I get tired.” “That’s so incredibly smart and useful that I’m actually impressed. You managed to improve your stupidity.” Bon Bon looked at the screaming ponies. “Also, I love how they don’t move at all when somepony right beside them gets hit. I wonder what would happen if a giant rock fell on them.” She chuckled. “I bet they wouldn’t even flinch.” “You think?” “No, I don’t think so. That’s the reason why I was saying that, you see. I like to say things that I don’t mean at a—what are you doing?” Bon Bon huffed at her companion. Lyra’s eyes were gleaming, and she was looking at something in front of them. Bon Bon turned around. “Oh,” she said. “Isn’t that pony Cheating Bastard? Carrot’s ex-coltfriend?” “Who the hell cares?” Lyra smirked so hard Bon Bon could see her teeth. “I’m looking at that.” Bon Bon turned around again, this time looking at what Lyra was pointing. The Pholotodolphin statue. She blinked. “Technically that’s not a giant rock.” “I bet you twenty bits that they try to run away from it.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “Turner, I’ve fucked up! I think Tavi and me have a misunderstanding at the moment, and—!” “I’M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, VINYL!” “Oh, come on, I’m sure you can give me a couple minutes at least!” “I’M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!” “So was Tavi, and she talked with me!” “WELL I’M SORRY, BUT I HAVE A HORNY GUARD RIGHT BEHIND ME AND HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I REALLY DON’T WANNA, SO I CAN’T TALK TO YOU!” “She was exactly in the same situation!” Silence. “Really?” “Yeah.” “Wow. What were the odds? Anyway, as I said I’m kinDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT!” “Come on, you’re exaggerating!” He was not. Time Turner’s situation was... complicated, to say the least. Extremely disturbing, to say the most, and a complete nightmare for Turner to say the truth. As Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal, Turner was running in what seemed a very big forest, as dark as could be, and the hulky guard was right behind him, yelling. What was he yelling, Turner didn’t know, and he sure didn’t want to know. He was completely concentrated in the race, or rather he had been until Vinyl had started talking. “Look,” she said, “I’ll be fast. I think it’s been my wording, I was a little nervous and what I wanted to say didn’t come out as expected. You see—” “VINYL, FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA, I’M TELLING YOU I’M IN NO SHAPE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!” “Buddy, stop listening to those voices!” The voice of the guard came from behind Turner, and it was too close. “They are not real, okay?! Just come with me, I’ll take you to a more comfortable place!” “YEAH, THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO, THANK YOU!” “Nonsense, you just don’t know what’s good for you!” Turner would have laughed if he wasn’t so incredibly terrified. “AND I GUESS YOU DO, RIGHT?!” “Just help me help you, buddy!” The guard smiled at him. “I know I look rough, but I won’t hurt you at all!” Turner had thought he couldn’t run faster. Turns out he had been wrong. His speed increased a lot after hearing that. “You see,” Vinyl continued, ignoring absolutely everything, “I just wanted to say that she could have fooled around with me and I wouldn’t have taken it badly, you know? But I kinda fucked up, and now she’s angry at me and—” “WHY ARE YOU EVEN TELLING ME THIS?!” Turner roared. “For crying out loud, because I want to help you!” screamed the guard. “Just stop running!” “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!” “Mostly because you’re like the go-to guy for this kind of things I guess,” said Vinyl. “I mean, it’s you or Derpy, because I’m not talking with Lyra about this. She would propose kidnapping Tavi and torturing her until she listens to me or something like that.” A pause. “And, honestly? I don’t know if she’s joking when she says things like that..” “VINYL, I SWEAR TO—!” Turner never swore anything to anypony, because his legs suddenly chose that exact moment to remind him why he had been so concentrated in the race a couple seconds ago. Mostly, because running through a forest was already difficult on its own, but running through a forest at night was almost impossible unless you had been conveniently raised in the woods. Turner was the kind of pony who thought a root was only a mathematical operation. His most powerful bond with nature was the time he had seen a picture of a forest. It had scared him. So his legs got stuck on something he never saw, and next thing he knew the entire world was turning around for some reason, the sky was under him and the ground was above his head... ...and then he hit a tree with his forehead, suddenly stopping his race and making him see little stars and sparkles everywhere. Turner then found that he was lying on the ground and was completely unable to get up by himself. The guard stopped and almost tripped too, then looked at him with a neutral face. “Finally. See? You’ve hurt yourself.” He sighed. “Just come with me, and we’ll-” “YOU’LL DO NOTHING!” Both Turner and the guard looked above, dumbfounded. Turner couldn’t believe her eyes. Flying just above them was Derpy Hooves in all her glory, her face gleaming with a confident smile, looking at him with eyes that said “you are safe now”. Turner felt a single tear run down his cheek. Yes! She can help me! She can get me out of here! “D-Derpy?” he asked, his voice trembling both because of the happiness and because the back of his neck really hurt. “I-Is that you?” “Derpy?” Vinyl asked through the communicator. “Is Derpy there? Hold on, I’ll turn on her communicator too.” “YOU CAN BET I AM DERPY!” the pegasus yelled, a hoof waving in the air. “AND YOU, GUARD,” she said, turning to the guard, “LET ME TE—!” Tunk! She turned around so fast, she hit the tree with her face. Tunk. Then she fell to the ground like a dead dove. Both Turner and the guard stared at her for a couple seconds. Derpy didn’t move. “Uh. What was that?” asked Vinyl. “...Derpy got hit by a tree,” Turner said. They waited a few more seconds. Derpy still didn’t move. “Um, Derpy? Can you hear me?” asked Vinyl. “Derpy?” A full minute. The grey mare was like a statue. “...What was that?” asked the guard. He turned to Turner. “I mean, what? Do you know her or something?” “Uh.” Turner gulped. “Kinda?” The guard turned to Derpy again. “Um, miss? Are you okay?” No answer. Another minute of silence. “Am I the only one who’s starting to freak out?” asked Vinyl. “Poke her with a stick or something,” Turner said to the guard. “I’m starting to get worried.” “I’ve heard that if you poke her eye and she doesn’t move, then she’s dead,” added Vinyl. “Tell him to poke her eye.” The hulky stallion nodded and approached Derpy. “Um, miss? Are you okay?” “OF COURSE I’M OKAY!” Turner, Vinyl, and the guard yelped at the sudden yell. Derpy got up with a jump and faced the guard with a dangerous grin in her face. “You thought such a LITTLE THING could get me DOWN?!” “Um, Derpy?” Turner coughed. “Eh, are you sure you’re...?” “Sssssshut up, Doc,” she said, turning to him for a second, her voice sweet as sugar. “And you, guard,” she said then, using a tone so deep it didn’t sound like a mare (or anything from this world), “better get the fuck out of here if you don’t want trouble. You hear me, punk?” Silence. The guard blinked. “Excuse me?” “Let me explain you a thing, you pussy.” Derpy flapped her wings and flew to put her face would be in line with the guard’s, then pointed at her cutie mark. “Can you see what I have HERE?!” Silence again. The guard blinked again. “...Bubbles?” he asked. “That’s it!” the mare hissed. “Motherfucking bubbles. And do you know what that MEANS?!” Silence. “Okay, that’s it.” Vinyl sighed. “This is official, she’s lost it. It was beautiful while it lasted.” The guard licked his lips and said nothing. “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!” “That you’re... good at scuba diving?” asked Turner, wanting to be useful. “That you’re a bubblehead?” asked Vinyl. “You don’t need to answer, Turner, sweetiee.” Derpy said, again in that sweet voice. “I asked this stallion. You sit there and be quiet, ok?” “Oh. Em. Okay?” “So.” Derpy smirked and pointed at the cutie mark. Her voice was again something that seemed more a hellhound than a pony, and her eyes were locked with the guard’s. “What do you THINK ABOUT THIS, HUH??!” The guard squinted his eyes. “That... you’re... good at scuba diving?” “Wrong, you little shit,” answered Derpy. “It means that I can motherfucking kill you if I want, without any kind of trouble! You wanna try me, or you’re gonna run away like the PUSSY YOU ARE?!” The guard just stood there, staring at Derpy with squinted eyes. “...I’m afraid I fail to see the connection between bubbles and killing.” He sniffed. “Also, you smell like weed. Miss, have you been smoking?” “You fail to see the connection?!” Derpy barked. It was not a laugh, not a scream—it was an actual bark. “HAH! HAVE YOU EVER GOT A TRAIN OF BUBBLES INSIDE YOUR VEINS?! HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW IT FEELS GETTING YOUR HEAD INSIDE A VACUUM BUBBLE?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE LITTLE PLOPS OF THE LAST BUBBLE OF OXYGEN EXPLODING INSIDE YOUR LUNGS?!” Silence again. “I’m... not really sure bubbles can form a train,” Turner said. “Sweetie, I’m talking to this stallion, please don’t say a word. You are hurt anyway, and we don’t want you to get worse, right?” Turner gulped. “Uh, no, I guess we don’t.” “Perfect.” And back with the guard she was. “So, as I said, you better watch your back or I’ll fucking kill you. Got it?” The guard sighed. “Okay, they don’t pay me enough for this. Taking care of the braindead one,” he looked at Turner, “is one thing, but being actually threatened to be... bubbled to death? Too much.” And without saying a single word more, the guard turned around and disappeared into the woods. BOOM! “Well you broke that table right now, so we can add ‘property damage’ to the endless list of crimes you’ve committed tonight. I hope you’re happy. I certainly am, mind you. This is, like, the best night ever. I surely don’t think this is the most stupid thing I’ve done in a long time, which is something pretty huge to say, giving the fact that I live with you. But go on! I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you after this? A life in prison? Banishment? Be banished and then be thrown in jail in the place you’ve already been banished?” BOOM! “Oh, well, there goes that dude’s leg. Now he’s not crying from fear. There, are you happy? You just broke a stallion’s leg. That’s just mean, but you don’t fucking care, so whatever. Have a good time, I’m sure that’s the correct thing to do. Hey, that one mare isn’t crying yet, you should definitely do something about it.” “Oh, okay.” BOOM! “There, now she doesn’t have a leg either. She and the other stallion can be leggy buddies now.” “I was being sarcastic, you fucking psycho.” “You are always sarcastic, but I prefer to ignore that fact. You’re funnier if I interpret your words my way.” BOOM! “How can you even do that? That statue is huge; I’m sure that weighs a ton or something. Levitating it should be impossible.” “It’s the strength of my passion.” “That doesn’t make sense.” “Yet I am levitating the statue so it might make some sense after all. Suck it, Bon Bon.” BOOM! “Seriously, I know they’re stoned, but this is getting stupid. Why aren’t they running away?” “Well, they’re trying.” “They’re running in circles. Well, except for the leggy buddies, they are just crying.” “That’s why I said they were trying.” BOOM! “Look! Now the leggy buddies are a leggy trio.” “Seriously, you deserve jail. I hate you so much right now.” “This statue sure is resilient. I have slammed it like thirteen times and it’s still perfectly fine.” BOOM! “See?” “Amazing. Words fail me to describe how impressed I am right now. Also I have been this close to tell you to be careful because you’re kinda moving the smoke toward us with your little game, but then I realized you’re slamming a giant statue of a dolphin fucking a pony to the ground. Asking you to be careful would be pretty fucking pointless on my part. Also, is it me, or there are more ponies in the garden now?” BOOM! BOOM! “Hey, look! If I slam it twice very fast it says your name!” BOOM! BOOM! “Fucking adorable on your part to realize that. The fact that I can see the stallion you hit isn’t moving does nothing but add sweetness to your gesture.” “Nah, he’s still alive, I can see him breathing.” “What a relief. You just caused him serious brain damage then. That’s way better.” BOOM! BOOM! “You know, I was thinking about Blueblood. The garden was his, so he has experience with drugs. Hell, he had FTS, so maybe he is so fucked up inside that he is not affected by the drugs and he’s like, dunno, freaking out inside of the mansion, trying to understand what’s happening.” “Drugs don’t work that way.” “Oh right, you’re a drug expert. How could I forget that detail? You know absolutely everything about drugs. You’re like, the drug empress. Everything that’s to know about hallucinogenic substances is inside your brain. You wrote the book on drugs. It’s called: ‘drugs—the book, by motherfucking Lyra Heartstrings’, and it’s a best-seller that everypony loves, that’s why you are so rich and beloved.” “Yeah drugs still don’t work that way.” BOOM! BOOM! “That guy is running away.” “Oh.” BOOM! “There, now he’s not.” “Certainly. So, anyway, I’m sure Blueblood is totally not inside the house, plotting some royal revenge on us. After all, this is just his birthday party and we’re at his house, so why would he be here? It’s not like we’re destroying everything he owns and probably loves; he has no reason to hate us. And even if he did, he’s just Celestia’s nephew, so I’m sure he can do nothing against us. So continue, this is perfectly safe and not dangerous to us in any sense.” BOOM! BOOM! “You know, I thought that after doing this for ten straight minutes it would stop being funny.” “And?” “It’s still hilarious.” “You didn’t pay any attention to me, did you?” “I was busy having fun.” BOOM! BOOM! “You know, I saw Cheating Bastard there not so long ago. I think he is inside the house now.” “And I should care about that because...?” “I don’t know, maybe because he’s the main reason why we are here? We want Carrot Top to not kill that idiot, Lyra. If we can get the idiot out before she finds him, then we can go home.” “Yeah, I still don’t really care.” “I don’t care either, but I thought it was worth mentioning it.” “It wasn’t.” “Hm.” BOOM! BOOM! “Anyway, really, there are more ponies than before. Are they coming out of the mansion or something?” “Why would they do that? Only an idiot would come straight into a slamming statue like that.” “GO STRAIGHT INTO THAT SLAMMING STATUE!” There’s one point in every noblepony’s life in which he has to make a decision. Which is better for tonight: the green cape or the orange jacket? Trying the boiled daisies or the fried orchids first? Running into that giant, pony-fucking dolphin that is seriously hurting your comrades or facing that scary mare? Being nobility could be very stressful sometimes. Maybe they were following the new trend, maybe they just made the wisest decision—it doesn’t really matter. The thing is: that pony-fucking dolphin had a lot of ponies to fuck. One by one they looked at the orange mare and then ran to the statue, following her orders. It was a hard decision, sure, but they were used to that kind of thing. Also they had enough drugs in their bodies to kill a baby elephant, so it’s not like they really gave a damn. Carrot Top didn’t exactly know why everypony was obeying her, but it’s not like she really cared. Being honest, she was too damn high to care about absolutely anything, but even if she had been sober she wouldn’t have given a damn. That seemed to be the common result of breathing that white smoke. Nopony gave a single damn about anything.. So, who-knows-why, the situation at the hall was, at least, weird. The second and third floors were empty, and everypony who wasn’t at the garden was just… waiting there. Some were sitting, some were walking, some were chattering. Carrot Top was standing on a table, and every few minutes she would point at one, maybe two or three random ponies and tell them to go outside and run into the statue. The nobleponies would doubt a little, then obey. That was it. That was the situation. Ponies waiting, then going to the statue. At one point Carrot Top realized that A) she wasn’t really sure how the hell had she ended up doing this, B) she had lost focus, because her original goal was to look for Cheating Bastard and her ex-coltfriend was nowhere to be seen and C) no, seriously, how was she in such a situation? She was a little dizzy. She shrugged her worries off pretty easily though. Carrot was sending those snobs to the statue because it was funny. Also she was pissed off at every noblepony in existence because of Cheating Bastard, and sending those idiots to their doom was surprisingly calming. And of course, maybe Cheating was in that hall after all. Nopony was leaving without her noticing it. Well, at some point a bunch of rebels had gone upstairs to the second floor, because apparently there was at least one noblepony who wasn’t dumb as a rock, but Carrot had closed the door as soon as possible. So, if Cheating was hiding among the group, she was going to find him. Of course, there was the possibility that he would have gone to the second floor, but what were the odds? No, that stallion was going to be found at some point. And then he was going to pay.