(Author Note: If you are still reading by this point, why are you? This story is not very serious at all and is a train wreck.)
Kazooie was flying through the air with Fluttershy’s head poking out of her backpack.
“Was it really necessary to tie me up and stuff me into your backpack Kazooie?” If Fluttershy didn’t want to be tied up she should have struggled more.
“Yes... yes it was. Now all I have to do is find out where this Rainbow Dash is and judging by her name her description is fitting that of the only rainbow colored pony within a hundred mile radius of this place.” Once she did find Rainbow it would be time to start a classic video game cliché and have Fluttershy in distress. She did have to use that robot bird army she had stuffed into her backpack, along with a incredibly large airship that would be oddly fitting to the situation.
Spotting Rainbow Dash didn’t take too long for Kazooie and she flew away to begin the setup and possibly cause quite a ruckus in Ponyville along with a large amount of property damage.
Pinkie Pie was looking around the street asking if they’ve seen a red pegasus or bird with yellow tips, so far she only heard that the pony was last seen with Fluttershy. Rarity ran up to her, grabbed her with magic and then proceeded to drag her and her cannon along towards Twilights Library.
“Rarity, what’s going on I’m kind of busy looking for somepony.” Pinkie was finally let go as they had reached the library.
“Well I couldn’t find Rainbow Dash, she’s probably napping too high on the clouds again and we’d need Fluttershy to get her down for a meeting. The worst possible thing has happened to her though, she’s been kidnapped by that red phoenix like bird!” Following Rarity into the library Pinkie saw that Twilight was already formulating a plan with a search pattern on how to find an ornithological creature with unknown powers. The purple pony was trying to explain it to Applejack in simple terms and failing horribly.
“Oh you mean Kazooie kidnapped Fluttershy? That’s neat, she always did seem like a pirate to me from what I can remember.” Everypony in the room turned to Pinkie, Twilight paused with her plans, Applejack actually took interest in scrutinizing her and Rarity just blinked a few times.
“You mean to tell me you know this creature that Celestia spoke of?” Twilight was ready and willing to hear all the information she could about this creature.
“Yeah, her name is Kazooie and she’s a red crested Breegull. I spent six months with her playing around Spiral Mountain until they found a way to send me back to Equestria; it’s how I got to Ponyville in the first place. It was so much fun what with the scary sharks, the ancient temples, the killer robots, the burn the witches skull parties and my favorite place to spend time was up in Cloud CuckooLand! It was the coolest place in all of existence!” Pinkie bounced in place as she expunged what little knowledge she could remember, the bubble elevator to Cloud Cuckooland and looking at the sunset from the sky was just breathtaking. “Needless to say I could have never ever explored the world like that without Kazooie explaining everything that was weird about it and how it all made sense from her perspective.”
“Pinkie what are you talking about?” Sighing Twilight figured it was Pinkie just being herself, but still she seemed to know the creature in question. “Okay I’ll just assume Kazooie is an old friend of yours, why would she kidnap Fluttershy.”
“To do something epic like attack Ponyville with an airship that flies by spewing rainbows out its back end. The crew is probably mostly made up of machines with dumb programming too, likely in her image as she can generate clockwork versions of herself.” Pinkie never did forget Kazooie’s seminar on video game logic for doing the impossible when you wanted to do something fun for profit.
“Pinkie now isn’t the time to be crazy we have a serious crisis on our hooves!” Twilight threw both her hooves up in the air in exasperations.
“But I’m not being crazy; she really is attacking Ponyville with an airship. Just look out the window.” Looking out the window being pointed at the other ponies was witness to one of the oddest sight ever. A giant airship spewing rainbows slowly floating across the sky with a red bird wearing a blue backpack at the helm, she also had on a pirate’s hat and an eye patch.
“Okay Screws fire at that cloud on my mark…” The soonest Kazooie said the word ‘mark’ the cannons fired before she was ready and she watched as the cloud a rainbow colored pony was sleeping on exploded violently sending the slightly burnt pony falling towards the ground. Soon the pony shook her head clear and steered herself back on course for the ship that ruined her nap time. “You just can’t get good help these days; also where are my subtitles I’m supposed to be speaking like an idiot while everyone reads what’s translated below me!”
“Hey, what’s the big idea?” Apparently Rainbow Dash was hovering above the ship now and Kazooie looked at her and a smile crossed her face. Kazooie read her as athletic, a tomboy, in denial about her apparent nature and is probably primarily seen around nothing but the female persuasion most likely. On second glance Rainbow was most likely a closet touchy feely type tending to touch other girls and coming up with any reason to do so, but she was loyal to those she hung around for long periods of time.
“Ah, the feisty lass be over me ship. I’ve kidnapped yonder Peebs there and if you want her back you’ll have to take me down as she’s not going anywhere. I like her as a mast figurine, quite the sight really. Screws give her a taste of ye’ old ailing ale!” A barrel flew out of a nearby cannon and exploded in Rainbows face getting her covered in a sticky brown substance that sent her tumbling to the deck. When Rainbow managed to stand up she found Kazooie standing in front of her wielding a cutlass she stole from a hippomatus a long time ago. “Can I get a hurts donut here?”
“Ugh, why you little… you won’t get away with this.” A donut slapped Rainbow in the face and she growled angrily as she wiped it off and lunged for Kazooie. With a green glow Kazooie’s legs stretched out and she shot into rigging with a single jump, causing Rainbow to curse under her breath as she belly flopped onto the deck.
“Start the bombardment of Ponyville; we will pepper the masses with pepper bombs! We’ll be nothing to sneeze at then.” Knowing her dialogue was just horrible Kazooie decided to stop talking as the clockwork birds started dropping black spheres over the side of the ship that spread black powder all over Ponyville. It wasn’t exactly mass panic as ponies were sitting still and sneezing a lot, but quite a few did try to run away from sneezing powder.
“Get back here!” Rainbow ignored Fluttershy as she climbed up the mast past the mare tied to it and made her way for the rigging. She had lost the ability to use her wings as they were weighed down by the sticky soda based fluids.
“Well at least she’s not trying to kill anypony.” It was the only good thing Fluttershy could see in this situation no matter how odd it looked.
Down below watching the chaos unfold the three ponies turned to the one source of information that saw this kind of things coming.
“What, didn’t I tell you? I have a twitchy tail so I suggest you come back inside now.” Not thinking twice about Pinkie’s prediction all three ponies ran indoors and a pepper bomb exploded right next to the door just as they got it closed.
“I’d hate to know if there were any salty dogs down there.” Exclaimed the pirate dressed bird idly before ducking Rainbow lunge at her back causing her to land flat on her face on the yardarm. “You’re about five hundred years to slow for me, but seeing as I’m a sporting bird.”
Kazooie tossed a cutlass to Rainbow from her backpack and then started chanting for a short while. Rainbow watched in interest as the magic swirled around Kazooie and then she transformed into a pegasus.
“Now we be fighting on even ground Starburst or would you like the name Skittles, maybe miss Juicy Fruit?” With the ever patented smirk on her face to make sure Rainbow knew she was being insulted Kazooie prepared for a battle in which she would have to lose on purpose. That wasn’t going to be easy as her first instinct in any fight was to barrage something eggsplosively in a show of force till it died, stopped moving or whined audibly in a girly voice that it surrendered.
“I don’t even know what any of that means, but I know enough to know you’re insulting me about something I can’t even comprehend.” Rainbow took the sword and swung and swung it at Kazooie who deflected it easily enough.
“Wow you’re slow in the head too? I just thought the world was stopped and I was the only one moving in it.” With that insult Kazooie upped her defensive posture as Rainbow came at her with a blinding flurry of slashes and stabs. “Who taught ye’ how to fight, you fight like a heavily diseased cow with one leg and two eye patches!”
Rainbow became more furious as she took to flying whereas Kazooie continued to stay on the yardarm, her sword was a blaze of rainbow colors swinging at the annoying red pegasus before her. Thus far Rainbow wasn’t gaining any ground, most likely because she didn’t understand the concept of insult combat. Kazooie was really beginning to get bored and thought that maybe she should switch to an easier style of combat.
“Come on, my grandma can fight better then you!” Kazooie just kept blocking and Rainbow kept swinging. Soon Rainbow stopped to rest along on the yardarm away from Kazooie. “What, are you giving up already? The only way you can beat me is if you can insult me better than I can insult you! Don’t make me go slightly easier on you because you suck at saving your girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend!” Though she was thoroughly tired, Rainbow still had the energy to yell in anger at Kazooie. “If its insults you want, then you’re asking for it ketchup stain!”
“Better, but you still lack the wit behind the act of insult fencing Rain-blowhard and are you sure you wouldn’t get mad at me plucking her feathers? I’m sure I can find someone willing to buy pegasus pillows, they’d also make a pretty good decorative doormat.” Kazooie kept her left wing behind her back and counted down from three waiting for Rainbow to burst out explosive.
“You harm one feather on her beautiful body and I will end you!” With a pause Rainbow realized what she had just said and within earshot of Fluttershy no less. The blush on her face was priceless as if she wondered if she really felt that way about Fluttershy or if Fluttershy liked her like that. They had been friends for a long time now, longer then Gilda at least.
“You hear that lassie? She doesn’t want me selling you into slavery after all. That is if she can beat me in an insulting contest, but I doubt her brain can function well enough to come up with something that would even stump the great sky pirate Kazooie! Let’s put away the swords and start what I like to call a ‘your mother’ contest, best to stump the other wins the fair lass to do with as they please and the loser will leave the other alone for a week before we can call another contest.” Kazooie dropped to the deck of the ship where the clockwork birds were still pelting Ponyville with pepper bombs. As a sign of good faith Kazooie tossed her sword to the side and onto the floor of the deck. Rainbow dropped to the deck and stared Kazooie down before tossing her sword to the side as well. “Good, you accept the challenge then. I’ll go first to give you an idea as to how this works. You’re mother is so fat, that when she fell to the ground the entire world wondered what the hell that horrible noise was.”
Rainbow stood their staring wide eyed at Kazooie, so that’s how the game was played? She had to think up something fast as she wasn’t about to let this crazy shapeshifting thing take Fluttershy from her… her friends. Rainbow Dash wasn’t about to let this crazy thing take Fluttershy from her friends or so she told herself again.
“Yeah, well your mother was so ugly that when she tried to join a contest about it. The people running the contest said she couldn’t join because she was a professional.” Rainbow saw that Kazooie didn’t even blink at the insult and in fact yawned.
“That’s actually a true story. As such it wasn’t an insult, but I’ll make it count anyways as it would work under normal circumstance and it’s my turn again.” Kazooie saw the surprised look on Rainbow’s face, yeah that always surprised everyone when she told them about it. “Your mother is so colorful; she can be seen from the moon looking down anywhere on this planet even if she was on the opposite side. It also has to do with how fat she is too.”
“Ouch, do you ever go easy on anypony? Well, your mother is twice the stallion you could ever hope to be!” That one was actually pretty good one if the circumstances were normal, Rainbow didn’t know what was about to be said about that.
“Well of course she’s twice the stallion I am; she’s had ten wives and five husbands, a few of them haven’t died by aging and a few others are still alive due to immortality, but that’s just saying something about their stamina. Again under normal circumstances, your insults still count. They love her for her personality by the way.” Kazooie got Rainbow Dash laughing with that one and the camaraderie was getting pretty good now, insulting her mother at the same time as throwing insults at Rainbows made her a clear victor thus far. Kazooie finally decided to go easy on the poor mare. “Your mother is so old, she farts dust, dead spiders and their webs.”
“Oh yeah, well your mother is so stupid that she’d stare at carton of orange juice for at least an hour because it has the word ‘concentrate’ on it.” Rainbow waited for Kazooie to say it wasn’t an insult, but when she didn’t Rainbow had won a small victory.
Okay that was one that wasn’t actually true of Kazooie’s mother, but the eldritch abomination that gave birth to her would have liked that joke though. Kazooie gave thought as to what insult she could throw this time. Fluttershy was horrified at the mean things they were saying about each other’s mothers, she was even more horrified that Kazooie actually stated some of the things said about hers were actually true.
“Nice… but your mothers head is so far into the clouds, to call her stupid is actually a compliment.” Kazooie really didn’t think Rainbow Dash was actually trying anymore. In the background the continued bombardment of Ponyville went unstopped, not that anyone was in a position to stop it in the first place. It was around this time that Rainbow realized how ridiculous things had gotten.
“Your mother is so crazy that she gave birth to something like you!” After a few minutes of silence Kazooie sniffled slightly, not in a sad manner as she was rather proud of that one.
“There are no words to describe how happy I am to lose to such an insult. Take your mate and get off me boat; I will cease my attack on your settlements and stealing your fine feathered wench.” With that the rainbow airship flew away and left Rainbow Dash sitting on a cloud clinging tightly to Fluttershy who was blushing fiercely.
“Are you okay Fluttershy, she didn’t hurt you did she?” If Rainbow's concern was any sign, Fluttershy was assured that Rainbow loved her in some sense of the word. Fluttershy was a tad stiff from being tied up for so long and the rope burns still stung. That didn’t matter as she was going to have a talk with Rainbow about insulting another pony’s mothers even if they were literally scary sounding, it just wasn't nice to be so vulgar like that.
On her ship flying towards Canterlot, Kazooie hummed a little tune to herself as Owlowiscious and Philomena landed on the deck. Philomena chirped a question to Kazooie in wonderment.
“I lost an insult duel almost fair and square, though I had another good one about a kaleidoscope. I didn't really want to win that one, I let Rainbow have her minor victory. By the way how do you feel about filling your owner’s castle with vanilla pudding via aerial bombardment?” Watching Philomena rub her wings together Kazooie took that as a good sign to hit the castle with all she had in stock. Having a hundred gallons of vanilla pudding on standby in her backpack had to be useful for something right?