//------------------------------// // Third Chapter: We Followed The Plan, Or At Least We Tried // Story: Long Story Short, Things Went Down // by Aragon //------------------------------// Carrot Top was not a stupid pony. And if there was something she hated, it was when ponies called her stupid. Luckily for her, almost nopony called her stupid anymore, if only because she was very good at showing she didn’t like it. Then again, she was very good at showing what she didn’t like. And she didn’t like a lot of things. Maybe that was the reason why she didn’t exactly have a lot of friends. But, for the first time in forever, her actions were more or less justified. Yes, she was seeking revenge. Again. This was the third time this week. However, unlike the other two times, this was something objectively important: no impolite waiter, no off-hoof insult to her mother’s pride… No, this time it was an offense so big that absolutely every living being would act the same. Carrot Top was sure of that. Having a noblepony coltfriend had been a good experience. The Bastard family was one of the most beloved houses in Canterlot. Although Carrot had been a little annoyed by the incredibly high amount of time her Cheating had been away “doing some important business”. But leaving that aside? Quite the good time! Then, a couple hours ago, she had discovered that ‘important’ was codename for ‘my secretary’ and ‘business’ meant ‘in all the orifices imaginable until we’re so wasted up we can barely move’. Even Carrot Top herself knew that it had been a very bad idea on Cheating’s part. Really, she just wasn’t the kind of pony that opens the door when she discovers you screwing your secretary to the floor and starts yelling at you. No. She was the kind of pony that went to her house, got dressed with the fanciest clothes possible and showed up at the party you were supposed to go together. And she waited there. Alone. In a corner of the third floor. She knew that Cheating would enter through the door she was staring at at some point, looking for her and without any kind of clue about what was going to happen. And boy is he going to find out. Around her there was a crowd of ponies, but surprisingly nopony looked at her right in the eye. They were a little afraid, apparently. Everypony was a little afraid of Carrot Top when she got that kind of grin on her face. It wasn’t a scary grin, oh no. A scary grin is the one that says “I’m gonna kick you” or “you’re going to lose a limb here”. Her grin was a normal grin. If one looked at it, one would see only the words "hello, dear". But her grin said that with that kind of voice. The one that sounds like it’s no big deal but still make ponies shiver. It was the kind of "hello, dear" that is usually followed by "we need to talk" and then it’s third-degree-murder-time. But you could only see that if you stared at her grin for a couple seconds. And nopony did. Carrot Top had been there for hours, imagining Cheating looking for her like crazy, not knowing what to do. In the end, he would show up at the party on his own, if only because he was forced to by common courtesy. And then, long story short, things would go down. And so, Carrot waited, knowing that she was going to get what she wanted. The thought that beating a noblepony senseless in the middle of Prince Blueblood’s birthday party could bring her a lot of trouble didn’t register in her head. But Carrot Top wasn’t stupid. Nopony was crazy enough to say that. She was just a little hot-headed. Besides, she didn’t really think of anything while waiting for him. She just smirked and stared at the door. After all, if she had thought of anything the realization that having a pony named Cheating Bastard as a coltfriend hadn’t been a good idea since the beginning would hit her. And that would have meant that she was, indeed, a little stupid. And let’s be honest: not even Carrot Top’s brain was crazy enough to tell Carrot Top she was stupid. Celestia knew what would she do to the poor thing if that happened. Octavia snorted in a very sexy way, feeling Turner’s stare on her back, and walked a little slower. The guards had already seen her, of course, but her purpose was to get their attention as much as possible. Luckily for her, she was still away from the guards when Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator again. “Um, Tavi?” Vinyl asked, worry in her voice. “Are you there?” “No, you’re talking to the communicator in my ear but I’m not here. The guards are right in front of me, I can’t talk!” she whispered, trying not to move her mouth too much. The guards were still looking at her. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. It’s just...” Vinyl swallowed. Octavia could imagine her licking her lips nervously. “This is a private conversation, you know?” “Yes, wonderful.” Octavia hadn’t stopped walking, and now the guards were far closer. She tried to put off some sexy ventriloquism, but with no mirror to look herself at while doing so, she couldn’t know if she was doing it right. “I still can’t talk.” “Oh, right. Eh... well.” A pause. “It’s not like it’s important, really. It’s just... uh. I don’t...” “Vinyl!” “Okay, okay! I was just... wondering, nothing else!” Vinyl whispered. “About, you know, what you offered to Turner. The Derpy thing. I just wanted to know if you feel comfortable with it. You know, I can talk to Turner and...” Octavia rolled her eyes. She stopped for a moment—she was too close to the guards to talk while looking at them now, anyway—and looked at her hooves, as if she had stepped on something. “Vinyl, pardon my Fancy, but I don’t have time for this shit,” she hissed between her teeth. “Derpy’s a friend, Turner’s a friend, one is hot and the other’s an idiot and why the hell would I feel uncomfortable with something I actually asked?! Hung up!” Silence. “I just...” “You’re trying to be a good friend, it’s cute as can be, I thank you, now shut up and let me work,” Octavia said as fast as she could. “We have all the time in the world to talk about my feelings later!” “Uh.” Vinyl gulped. “Yeah, you’re right. This was just dumb from me. I kinda talked with Derpy and... you know what? Never mind.” Her voice became her usual happy tone again. “You go and show those guards who’s the best one at the game, girl!” “Of course.” Octavia stopped acting like an idiot and walked to the guards again. “Thank you, kisses, now let me alone,” she managed to mutter before getting too close to do so. “I’m the one who should say that,” answered Vinyl. “You’re the one who’s bringing us gay Turner after all!” Octavia just smiled. The guards were looking at her, and she could see in their eyes that they had recognized her. Not like anypony could forget her easily anyway. “Hello, boys,” she said, using the voice that had saved her from prison at least four times. “Having a good night here?” The one on the right, a big pile of muscles with a brown fur, a yellow mare and a steel bar as a cutie mark answered with a goofy smile. “Way better now that you’re here, miss Octavia.” “Oh, Steel, how gallant.” Vinyl didn’t say another word. Octavia guessed she had stopped the connection again. Turner was hidden so the guards couldn’t see him, but he could see them. He wasn’t really sure if he was grateful for that—Octavia was obviously paying more attention to the least muscular guard. So he had to be the straight one, which meant that Turner was going to deal with what could only be described as a hefty, apocalyptic beast who clearly liked corporeal growth hormones a little too much. Every time Turner looked at him, the stallion looked bigger. Of course, the idea of Octavia and Derpy making out furiously in front of him was a powerful motivation to overcome his fears, but even with that... Turner sighed and kicked the ground. “Having doubts, Turner?” Vinyl said. He rolled his eyes. “Excuse me for being sensitive about my ass being destroyed. It’s a sore point of mine, you see.” A chuckle. “Good one” Turner shook his head. “Gotta remain funny if I want the mares to be crazy about me, right?” A pause. And then Vinyl talked with an unusual tone. “Yeah, I guess...” It sounded almost melancholic. “So, not so nervous after all?” “I’m gonna try to seduce a pony who can pound me to death in a few seconds. So obviously I’m incredibly calm. Heck, I’m dying to do that! It’s the best night of my life! Girl, I sure love scary muscular stallions all over me! It’s a dream come true!” “Okay, you’re still hysterical.” Vinyl sighed. “He is not going to pound you and you know it. Even if you go there and he thinks you want the booty, he won’t do anything if you just say ‘no’.” Turner frowned “Vinyl?” he asked. “Are you okay?” “Wha-yes! Why shouldn’t I? I’m just, you know, being serious for once.” Vinyl snorted. “It’s not like you’re in danger or something, and the jokes are getting old.” He licked his lips. “Do you mind turning this conversation into a private one? No offense, girls, but I need to ask something to Vinyl.” “Eh, it’s already private.” Vinyl sounded like a schoolfilly getting caught doing something bad. “The girls are talking about the plan, and... Well, I thought… You know.” Silence fell between them for a couple seconds, until Turner frowned and sat down, forgetting about Octavia and the gay guard for a moment. “Vinyl, do you want to talk about something?” “Um. No.” “Yeah, okay.” Turner raised an eyebrow. “Then, please, talk to Octavia and ask her to buy us more time. I’m willing to stay here all night if you want to. I don’t really mind Carrot going to jail if it means me not going downstairs.” “Uh.” “Vinyl, you were trying to be nice to me,” he insisted. “You’re not nice. Buy us some time.” A pause. “Okay.” Vinyl sounded guilty again, and a couple seconds after that single word she talked again. “Done. Tavi knows how to deal with stallions, so we have at least ten minutes.” Her voice broke a little while saying that. “And that’s apparently a bad thing?” Turner asked. “Is there something wrong with Octavia?” He frowned. “Do you want me to tell her that she doesn’t need to make out with Derpy? Because she’s an adult, and I am—” “No, no, no!” Vinyl interrupted him. “No, it has nothing to do with Tavi and Derpy, okay? Nothing to do. At all.” “Uh-huh, I believe you. So—” “Okay, I was lying, Derpy and Octavia have been fooling around,” Vinyl interrupted in a whisper. “Like, I don’t know exactly how long have they been doing it, but I’m sure they’ve, done it at least once.” Turner blinked. “Woah. Well, that’s... cool? You mean they’re like a couple? Huh.” He scratched his nose. “I honestly didn’t know they swung that way. But both of them have had coltfriends before, right? Or were they lying? You’re upset because they have been lying to us?” “No!” This time Vinyl didn’t whisper. It was more like one of her usual yellings. Turner felt a little relieved for it. “No, they’re not a couple! Well, or so I think. Derpy has just said the make-out session they’re going to share because you asked for it is not going to be the first. And...” She coughed. “Yeah. That.” “Oh.” Turner shrugged. “That’s a completely different thing, I guess.” A pause. “Does that make you uncomfortable, Vinyl? Do you want to talk about it?” “No!” A pause. “I mean, yes. I want to talk about it. But it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Or...” Turner could hear her taking off her glasses. Uh-oh. This is serious business then. “It shouldn’t make me feel uncomfortable, right? I mean, I’m okay with this kind of thing, you know?” “Hey, it’s not your fault if you feel uncomfortable about the whole deal, I think.” Turner chuckled. “It’s not something good at all, of course, but, you know how this work. The way you’ve been educated may have to do something with it. You just need to understand that they’re still the same ponies you know and… I’ll say ‘love’ in lack of a better term.” “It’s not like that!” Vinyl said. “I’m totally cool with gay ponies, okay? I’m like, the most gay-friendly pony you would ever know.” “I see.” “And, it’s not the fact that it’s been Derpy,” she continued. “I don’t care about it. I mean, Derpy is also a very good friend of mine, and she’s totally cool. But, Octavia didn’t say anything. Hell, I’m sure she didn’t even think about telling me because she didn’t think it was important!” “Oh.” Turner nodded again. “Yeah, I can see your point. Derpy is my best friend and she didn’t say a word about this either. Then again, I don’t see why she should do that.” He shrugged. “Not my business. Although it would be awesome if she just came to me one day and said ‘hey Doc, I’ve been lesbianing with Octavia all night long! Do you want any photos?’ It would be quite the experience.” “What?!” Vinyl yelled. Turner flinched. “I thought you had a thing with Derpy!” “It’s... complicated.” Turner sighed. “We’re not a thing though. So you have a crush on Octavia?” “What? No!” The communicator trembled at the volume of Vinyl’s voice. “I don’t have a crush on her. You’re an asshole.” “I’m sure insulting me will help.” Turner tapped the communicator, slightly deafened by his friend’s screaming. “Then why are you so upset? I’m not telling anypony, you have my word.” “Shut up.” Silence. “I don’t have a crush on her, okay?” she said. “That’s for sure.” “Okay.” “I mean it!” “Yeah, sure.” Silence. “But, I could have a crush on her if I wanted,” Vinyl said. “It’s like, I thought Octavia was straight as an arrow, you know?” “I can see why. Then again, this is Octavia. We shouldn’t be surprised about her swinging both ways.” He paused. “Eh, not like I mean that every promiscuous pony out there is…” “Yes, I know what you mean,” Vinyl interrupted. “Octavia likes to have a good time here and there, and she is very open-minded. But, I didn’t know that she liked to, you know. That she was one.” “A filly fooler?” Turner asked. “Well, it makes sense for her not to scream that kind of things to everypony that passes by. You know how society is.” He frowned. “If a mare likes to have a good time in the bed, she’s a slut. Octavia already deals with that kind of opinion, but what do you think it would happen if ponies knew she also likes mares? It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for sure.” “I guess it makes sense.” Vinyl sighed. “But, I’m her best friend! Why did she tell Derpy and not me? I wouldn’t have called her anything! Hell, I would beat senseless any bastard stupid enough to do so!” A pause. Her voice broke a little. “She didn’t trust me. That’s what annoys me.” “Hmmm.” Turner took a look at the stairs. Octavia was still talking with the ponies, although now she seemed completely centered in only the hetero one. “Well,” he said, “I don’t want to offend you, but you didn’t tell her you swing both ways either.” Bam. Suddenly Vinyl got more quiet than Turner's dear grandmother, who had been dead for fifteen years. “I see you haven’t stopped to think about this little detail, right?” he said. Turner could imagine Vinyl staring at the computer screen, frozen. “You... why do you think I’m bi too?” “You told me. You’re not good at keeping things to yourself.” “Oh.” “Look, Vinyl,” he said, “For the first time in the whole night, I’m being serious. So just shut up and listen, okay?” Vinyl didn’t say a thing, so he continued. “Octavia is your friend, and yet you didn’t tell her anything about you and your love for polishing pearls. May I ask why?” “Bec—” “Because either you were afraid or you were embarrassed,” Turner said, “and because telling her so makes it sound like you have a crush on her. Even if you don’t have one.” “How did you...?” “I’m smart.” “So you think Octavia feels the same? Or...?” “Well, Octavia is a little harder to read,” Turner answered, “mostly because she’s not as stupid as you.” He smiled. “So I can’t be sure. I can guess if you want.” Vinyl took a deep breath. “It’s kinda pathetic, but it would help a lot, if you don’t mind.” Turner smiled. “You are kind of pathetic.” “Said the pot to the kettle.” “Well then.” Turner looked at the sky. “You can say that Octavia feels the same, for example. Maybe she just didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You two are very close after all. So maybe she thought that you may have thought that she had a crush on you because blahblahblah you already know this. And you were feeling the same way all along. Oh, the irony!” “Cut the sarcasm. Asshole.” Vinyl said. Turner was sure she was smiling. “But that doesn’t explain the Derpy thing! I mean, I think Derpy is cute, but... why did Octavia choose her as, you know, material to have a good night? Why didn’t she...” She gulped. “Oh Celestia, you’re not talking about this later with anypony, right?” “You have my word.” “Okay,” she said. “So, why didn’t she choose me? I get that she wants to keep the equal lover part as a secret because some idiot may call her a super-slut, but we’re her friends! I’m her friend! And if Derpy is going to be comfortable with that kind of situation, then why shouldn’t I be super-comfortable with it too?” Turner could hear her hitting the computer with a hoof. “Hell, I’m not even angry at the fact that she’s seeing other ponies right now; it’s not like we’re a couple. I even convinced Derpy to make out with her because I thought it would be hot! But, but she didn’t trust me!” Another hit to the keyboard. “And that sucks.” Turner licked his lips. “Well, I think she didn’t take her night with Derpy very seriously. I mean, no offense, but Octavia really gets around.” “...Yeah.” “Still, she takes her coltfriends seriously.” Turner shrugged. “Well, she has only had two real ones, but she was very loyal and stuff.” “What a shame they were such a pair of assholes.” “Yeah, it seems like you girls are horrible at picking mates,” Turner said. “Derpy chose you.” “Okay, maybe you’re not so horrible then. Anyway, do you remember how it went with the coltfriends?” Turner snorted. “Octavia didn’t do anything with them until they were a couple. She wanted the sex to be something special.” “Of course, because sex is the most mundane thing you can do. Everyday stuff.” “For Octavia? Yes.” Turner looked downstairs again. Eyup, the gray mare was still talking with the guards. “Your point being?” “Hmph.” “But of course, there’s something more than the mere coitus.” Turner shrugged. “Love, intimacy, yaddah yaddah, that kind of crap. Octavia takes sex seriously when it’s serious, and takes it as a simple enjoyable activity when it’s nothing but that. Simple.” “So,” Vinyl said, “you’re telling me she thought her thing with Derpy wasn’t serious.” “Yes,” he said. “But you are her best friend, so maybe she didn’t want you to think she saw you as a mere toy. You are important to her.” “I... see. Poor Derpy, though.” “I’m pretty sure she didn’t mind,” Turner said. “She’s almost as sexual as Octavia.” “I guess.” “Have I helped?” “Yes.” Vinyl sighed. “Thank you, Turner. I kinda needed something like this to clear my mind a little.” She chuckled. “Now you can go down there and have a good time. You can try to lube it with your tears.” “Okay, I see that you’re back to normal.” Turner sighed. “I still need to wait for Octavia to leave the other one alo—” “She’s already done that.” “What?” Turner looked downstairs again. Octavia had been there a couple seconds ago, was now gone. Turner could guess she was now lost in the middle of the huge garden that surrounded the house. The enormous guard was alone, looking somewhat pissed off. “Oh for crying out loud! How did you know?!” “I told her she could go whenever she wanted to. She immediately asked the guard if he wanted to go to the woods with her.” “Perfect.” Turner sighed. “So I think it’s time for me to go there, right?” “Nah. Wait two minutes. I know how stallions think, and I don’t believe that being gay really matters. You’re all a bunch of idiots.” “Thanks.” “So,” Vinyl continued, “you just need to go down there and be polite to him. You don’t even need to ‘seduce’ him. Just be polite and cute and then suddenly ask him if he wants to go to the woods with you. Believe me, he’ll think you’ve been flirting with him all night.” “But if I go down there like that, just to be polite, it will be obvious that I want something out of him!” “Exactly,” Vinyl said. “He’ll think you want his dick. That’s the entire point of this plan, Turner.” “Ugh.” “Hey, no pain no gain.” There was no party like a Blueblood party. Mostly because it was the most boring thing you could ever experience. Usually ponies thought that being a bachelor with such a... fame, Blueblood would be a wild animal once the moon raised. Loud music, beautiful mares, dancing, singing, alcohol—a party like you have never seen! The hangover would last for weeks! But sadly, Blueblood was not only an idiot. He was a boring idiot. He liked quiet, calmed talks with nobleponies. He liked classical music. He liked to remain as classy as possible all the time. So his parties were like a cheap knock-off of the Grand Galloping Gala, only without the Princesses, and thus, absolutely zero good things. But you couldn’t just present your excuses and spend the night in a bar or something funnier. Blueblood was royalty. So for a lot of nobleponies, Blueblood’s birthday was just another opportunity to spend a whole night in a quiet room, talking about something more or less interesting with ponies you didn’t really like, trying to fight boredom. The possibility of something interesting happening in a party hosted by Blueblood was so little nopony believed it even existed. So, when word spread about a seemingly psychopathic, always-smiling orange mare in the third floor, the news was welcomed like a hot cup of tea and a blanket in the middle of a blizzard. “So she just stands there and stares at the door?” asked Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pant’s beloved. It was unusual to see her without her fiancé, but the white stallion had called sick. He was lucky—only a few ponies were important enough to afford insulting Blueblood like that. “That’s everything she does?” “Yes.” Star Gazer, a gray pony with a telescope cutie mark shook his head. “But, believe me, it’s more than you think. The way she stares is...” He shivered. “Unbelievable.” “She stares into your soul,” added a pink mare named Royal Ribbon. She was, as always, wearing a saddle that covered her flank. She never took off that saddle. Rumors said she slept with that thing on. As a result, absolutely nopony knew what her cutie mark was—there were some bets about it, the most popular option being that she had a saddle as her cutie mark. The second most popular option was that her cutie mark was a saddle hidden by a saddle. Imagination wasn’t the forte of Canterlot nobility—it might had something to do with their tradition of marrying their own cousins. “Her pupils, gaze into... your soul, and read your... your soul!” “Yes, exactly! You feel like, a shiver deep inside... almost as if...” Gazer’s voice became an ominous whisper. “Almost as if she could, I don’t know, stare into your soul. “Amazing,” said Fleur de Lis. Both Star Gazer and Royal Ribbon nodded, not aware of the sarcasm. Fleur didn’t like to think she was always surrounded by idiots, but for Luna’s mighty gonads, she was always surrounded by idiots. And then a voice interrupted their talk. “She’s no good mare, I can tell!” They were in the second floor of the mansion—which meant, of course, that they were in the dance hall of the second floor. Every floor of that mansion had a dance hall, which was as weird as can be, but Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal. The dance hall was, of course, filled with ponies, as that was a party after all. And ponies liked to talk to each other. Yet, interrupting a conversation like that, without introducing yourself or at least waiting for the pony who’s talking to turn around and face you? That was just rude. Fleur frowned a little while turning around. And then she saw who was talking and sighed. But of course: Jet Set and Upper Crust. Two unicorns, both with a sweater and a shirt draped on their backs and knotted at the front of their necks. They were husband and wife, Fleur believed. Or just a couple. Or maybe friends? As far as she knew, they could even be siblings (which now that she thought about it, didn’t have to mean that they weren’t married. Canterlot’s traditions were weird after all). Hell, Fleur didn’t even know who was Jet Set and who was Upper Crust. For her, they were just one pony. Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust. “I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t know how to behave. Such smile. Where does she think she is? This is a place of proper ponies!” They even had the same weird accent. Either they were faking it or they just didn’t know how to talk without biting their tongue. “Well, a smile can’t be so bad,” Fleur said in the most polite way possible. “Does anypony even know who she is? An orange mare...” “Well, I think it’s Cheating Bastard’s beloved,” said the stallion half of Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust. “I’m sure that when he arrives he’s going to suffer her stare too. Or maybe he’ll go and talk with her?” “What a horrible torture,” Fleur said. “I’m sure he will survive though.” The ponies just looked at her, confused. Fleur sighed. That was the reason she didn’t like to talk. Usually she let Fancy Pants say as much as he pleased for both of them, and she just nodded and tried to look pretty. Not the most dignified of activities, but it was either do that or try to talk with nobleponies. She found more enjoyable the act of hitting her head against a wall multiple times. “I mean, it’s not like two eyes can be a weapon. Nopony has slain a dragon with a stare.” “Well, of course,” said Star Gazer. “But you haven’t seen her, Madame De Lis. She’s just... it feels like she’s—” “Staring into your soul?” “Exactly!” Fleur sighed. This is going to be a long night. “Just talk to him like normal and try to make him laugh,” Vinyl had said. “And make sure he gets you’re interested in him. I mean, that's simple, because you’re obviously walking down there to talk with him, and his friend just got lucky with Tavi. It shouldn’t be too hard for him to add two plus two.” “Uh-huh.” Turner had felt his voice trembling. “If you say so.” “Don’t be so nervous. I’m sure nothing’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll make out a little, and that’s it.” “Yeah sure.” Turner had gulped. “That definitely makes me more comfortable, Vinyl. Are you sure you don’t want to keep talking about Octavia? I mean, she’s right now doing who-knows-what with the other guard in the woods, so maybe you—” “Turner, shut up and go downstairs.” And so, Time Turner gulped again, kicked the ground to show his frustration, took a deep breath and walked downstairs, trying to look confident. He was sweating, but that shouldn’t be too bad—a sweating mare could be very sexy, so maybe a sweating stallion was more or less the same. Turner tried to look casual yet seducing. Octavia always acted that way, and he was sure he could do it. His friend wiggled her hips in a certain way while walking and looked straight into your eyes. The result was amazing, as you always felt like she was flirting with you even when she was just asking the time. He tried to do that, an insecure smile in her face instead of the cocky grin Octavia liked so much. Then he started humming, adding some points to his ‘casual’ look. He tripped. Luckily for him, he didn’t roll all the way down the stairs—he just fell. Once his face met the floor he left out a cry of pain that was certainly not sexy enough for the act, so he immediately tried to turn it into a sensual moaning, like the ones Octavia did when she said her front legs hurt after playing her cello for hours. The result was something among the lines of “AUCHhggmmmmmmmmmmnnnnh~?” Then he tried to stand up in a classy way, again imitating Octavia. She always did it slowly, with her head facing the ground just a little longer than it should, so she could raise her face and make her mane float in the wind right in time to look you straight into your eyes. He was nervous, so he tried to hum again, got up too fast, hurt his neck while trying to float his nonexistent long mane and then tripped again. This time he couldn’t get his balance. So he fell downstairs. And rolled all the way down to the guard’s hooves. While moaning and humming sensually all the time. Meanwhile, the guard, who was named Oregon Tail and had a steady boyfriend waiting for him back in his house, wondered what the hell was wrong with that pony and what kind of drug he had been taking. Then he rolled down to his hooves while yelling some kind of yodel song and stood there, sweating and breathing heavily. Turner then got up. He stopped moaning because something inside his mind told him that it was a little too ridiculous to work, and tried to do again that thing with the neck Octavia always did. He forgot the fact that he had hurt his neck like ten seconds ago, so his neck made a cracking sound and he yelped again in pain. Then some sweat drops fell into his eyes. It hurt, and he was using his hoof to rub his neck, so he tried to blink to ease the pain. As a result, his eyes filled with tears. Then he realized he hadn’t even introduced himself, so he tried to fix that mistake as soon as possible. “HELLO! HOW’S BEEN THE NIGHT?!” he screamed. That was the exact moment when Oregon Tail realized that the pony in front of him had a mental problem. Turner realized that he had talked way louder than expected, so he cleared his throat with a cough, wiped out the tears in his eyes and mentally slapped himself. Focus, Turner! What had Vinyl said? ‘Try to make him laugh’! It couldn’t be so difficult. “So, uh.” He gulped. His mind was blank. All his life telling jokes, and the moment he needed one, he had nothing. “Uh... my neck hurts.” He stared at the guard, who said nothing. In fact, the hulky pony was looking at him in a very weird way. So Turner tried again. “Uh, one of my greatest hits, right?” Oregon Tail looked at him with pity. “You okay, buddy?” he said, using his most polite tone. “That sure was a good fall. You hurt bad?” “Uh, only in my pride.” Turner tried a weak smile. Well, the laughing part hadn’t worked. Vinyl had also said something about paying attention, so he tried to look right into the guard’s eyes. But it was very hard, so he decided to look into the space between the guard’s eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t notice. He got cross-eyed. While still crying. Something happened behind the door. Turner could hear what sounded like an... explosion? And some screams. Alarms went wild in his head. That had Lyra’s name written all over it. The guard frowned and looked in the mansion’s direction. The noises hadn’t been very loud, so not everything was lost. Turner believed he could still call the guard’s attention and make him forget everything else. So he cleared his throat with a cough to make him look in his direction, stared at the space between the guard’s eyes again and put on his best sexy smile. You need to be funny, Turner, he thought. Pay attention and be funny. “And, uh, why did the chicken cross the road?” Silence. “T-to get to the other side!” His sexy smile faded when he realized what was he saying. “And, um, the joke is that there’s a double meaning, you see? Because the chicken crosses the road to get to the other side, but ‘the other side’ can be seen as ‘the other side of life’, like in ‘the Afterlife’, because the chicken is committing suicide by crossing the road and...” His words died in his mouth. Well, at least now the pony was looking at him and not at the door. Desperate, Turner wiggled his hips a little just to add something to the whole image. Meanwhile, Oregon Tail had been convinced the brown stallion had escaped from a mental institution. For sure the best thing for him would be to go back there before he hurt himself. Sadly, Steel Bar had been stupid enough to go to the woods with that Octavia mare, and he couldn’t just leave the door alone. Of course, nopony was going to break into Blueblood’s party, but it was his job. And those explosions were weird. Maybe he should go investigate... Then he saw the stallion was, judging by the way he wiggled his butt and crossing his legs, holding his urge to pee. “Okay, here is where I draw the line,” Oregon said. “Come with me buddy, I’ll get you to a better place in no time.” The other stallion froze. Oregon frowned. Had he scared the poor guy? The last thing he wanted to deal with was with some terrified pony hurting himself. “Hey, don’t worry,” Oregon said. “I’ll be gentle with you, okay? I won’t hurt you at all.” And then the other stallion started to scream and ran into the woods. Oregon facehoofed. “Oh for fuck’s sake. You!” he yelled, running after the pony. “You, come here! You shouldn’t be alone here! I can take you to a more comfortable place, don’t be scared of me! I’m one of the good guys!”