Luna Beats Meat

by Crescent Wrench

Luna Beats Meat

Luna Beats Meat


        Princess Luna's stomach growled.

        She tore her eyes from the LED screen, pausing her session of Call of Cutie with a flick of her magic. Grimacing, she rubbed her belly with a hoof, feeling a pang of hunger stab deep within her.

        “When was the last time we ate, we wonder...” she thought aloud as she looked at the clock hanging over the display.

        She'd been playing for over twenty hours straight.

        Her stomach groaned, disappointed.

        “We... suppose a quick bite wouldn't be a bad idea,” she admitted as she removed her headset, opting to leave the screen on. She would be back soon, after all.

        She left her room quietly silently, noticing the sun was growing old in the sky. She would need to raise the moon soon.

        Passing Discord's room in the castle, Luna suddenly grabbed at her nose.

        “What is that smell?!” she choked out, shuddering. The air was thick with a horrendous rank of mold, decay and rot.

        Infuriated at the offending odor, she pulled Discord's door open, and immediately regretted doing so. The smell intensified tenfold, the princess's eyes tearing painfully.

        She took a deep breath outside of the room before poking her head in, squinting around.

        The room was surprisingly clean and, not as surprisingly, empty. The draconequis was most likely off where he pleased, spreading mischief and foul humor. So long as he didn't bring harm to anypony...

        But what was that rancid reek?!

        Luna scanned the room until she saw it, poking out like a sore thumb.

        A mini fridge shaped in the likeness of a small droid with a blue dome was cracked open, an obvious green mist rolling out.

        Luna gagged.

        “Of course he would leave it open,” she muttered. She debated simply leaving it, but...

        The smell! Surely if she did nothing, it would fill the entire floor in due time!

        No, she had to take action.

        Holding her breath, she slammed open the door and charged towards the fridge, shoving her hooves against the door.

        It didn't budge.

        Luna groaned as she pressed on the door, even wrapping it in her magic and trying to force it closed.

        She could almost hear Discord laughing at her feeble failure.

        She gave out an exasperated cry as she fell back, defeated. Immediately after, in a sense of irony, the smell ceased, disappeared.

        And as if to mock her, the door swung open softly, a small glass jar rolling out.

        Curious, she picked it up. Inside were a number of small pink cubes, filling the jar a good two-thirds of the way full.

        “What may this be...?” she wondered, peering into the glass. “Some kind of food?”

        She chuckled brashly.

        “Knowing him, its probably a strain of candy that has some unthinkable side effect. What do you little guys do, turn one's tongue into rubber?”

        She was intrigued, though. She knew that Discord had some... exotic tastes, but this...

        The princess dared say the items within looked rather normal. Odd, yet normal. A fitting paradox for the spirit of Discord.

        We wonder what they taste like?

        Her stomach rumbled again.

        “Oh, right! We need to grab some... food...” she mumbled before looking down at the jar.

        Her curiosity was a dangerous thing. Once she asked a question, she always needed an answer.

        She looked left, then right, then left again. Nopony was there. A quick pulse from her horn revealed there was nopony hiding in the room, either. She was alone.

        She looked back at the jar.

        “We suppose... a quick sample couldn't hurt...”

        Unscrewing the top of the jar, she levitated one of the small squares out, holding it before her face. She gave it a tentative sniff.

        It had a slight vinegary smell, but a sharp tinge at the tip. It was a curious smell. And was that a hint of hickory?

        Shrugging, she popped the square into her mouth, chewing softly.

        Her eyes went wide as she paused. Flicking her tongue around the morsel, she chewed again, slowly. She hummed, grinding the cube up before daintily swallowing.

        It was...

        Why, the mystery food was-

        “That was delicious!” she squealed, grasping a small hoofful in her magic.

        Down her gullet more of the tasty treats went, until nearly half of the stash was safe in her tummy. She felt herself become full rather quickly, the tiny foods filling her up quickly.

        She glanced down, realizing she had been enjoying herself on a dish that belonged to Discord.

        “Maybe we should... return this right away...” she muttered to herself, opening the fridge and cramming it on the shelves. It truly was the only item amongst them that looked remotely innocent.

        She closed the fridge, delighted that it finally closed completely. Knowing Discord, he probably wouldn't notice a thing.

        Whistling to herself, she skipped back up to her room to return to her gaming.

        A few more hours passed before she retired from her game, assuming her role in raising the moon. Upon finishing the deed, she met with her sister regarding a few details about the night guard, duty shifts, laundry services, normal things. As they dismissed themselves, however, a small puff of purple mist blocked Luna's way.

        “Oh LuLu, something horrible dreadful has occurred!” Discord sang arrogantly, much to Luna's anger.

        “Do not call us LuLu, spirit.”

        “My apologies, dearest princess,” Discord spoke with amusement, “but there does seem t be a small problem. It would seem that somepony broke into my quarters and stole valuable resources from me!”

        Luna felt herself blush slightly. She knew this game all too well.

        “Oh? And what doth you require of us on the matter?”

        Discord danced around Luna, Celestia watching the encounter with bemusement.

        “I would like to ask you,” he asked as he fold his hand over itself. He opened it to reveal the small glass jar. “If you could try your tongue at a new product of mine? My dear friend Fluttershy convinced me that I should try a hand in cooking, and I am certainly glad she did!”

        He laughed, offering the jar to Luna.

        Luna, confused, took the glass in her magic, looking back at Discord.

        “You wish us to try this here?” she asked. Discord nodded, a soft grin on his face. “Why?”

        Discord laughed merrily, strolling in a tight circle.

        “I just didn't realize you enjoyed smoked pork!” he declared.

        Luna felt her face drain as she looked down at the jar.

        “These are... meat?”

        Discord giggled as he nodded, enjoying the terrified look of surprise crossing Luna's face.

        “And this is why you don't touch my things!” he laughed. “Ta-ta!”

        He disappeared, leaving an amused Celestia with her scarred sister.

        “Come now, sister,” Celestia chuckled. “It was a good joke.”

        Luna didn't respond, remaining frozen in spot as she continued staring at the jar in her hooves.

        “... Luna?”

        Celestia sat down next to Luna, cocking an eyebrow.

        “Luna, whatever is the problem?”

        Luna shook involuntarily, refusing to believe herself.

        “I ate meat... and liked it,” she breathed.

        Celestia laughed, slapping Luna on her back playfully.

        “That was a good one, Luna! You almost had me-”

        She froze when she noticed her sister wasn't laughing, staring stone-faced at the jar.

        “You- you're serious?”

        Luna nodded.

        Celestia felt her head go light as she toppled backwards.

        Luna had ate meat, and enjoyed it.

        Her reality imploded on itself.