//------------------------------// // Bonus Chapter: Progress // Story: Night Guards // by Raugos //------------------------------// “Hammer, Anvil, meet your new protégés. Captain Shining Armour has reassigned them into the Night Guard, and you will be in charge of their training from now on.” Princess Luna gestured towards a pair of mares garbed in Royal Guard armour, one of which was a unicorn, and the other, an earth pony. The unicorn smiled a little awkwardly, but the stocky earth pony gave a wide grin and saluted. “Hay Bale and Tufty, reporting for duty!” she practically bellowed. Anvil’s mind went blank for a moment. He did not recall any plans for recruitment, but he supposed that it was a logical step. Princess Luna would eventually need more than a paltry two to signify her presence at night. Still, it was rather sudden. “Err, very well, Your Highness,” he replied. Hammer simply took it in stride and nodded at the newcomers. “If you would follow us, the—” Luna interposed with a wing. “That will not be necessary. I can easily inform them of the nightly protocol.” A glowing piece of parchment appeared, and she levitated it over to them, saying, “This is what you will need to be concerned about, tonight.” The parchment contained a list of various items plus an address. Anvil looked up to the blue alicorn, who smiled and said, “The Royal Physician is of the opinion that you are both a little… behind the times, as it were, where personal cleanliness is concerned. And it is a sentiment that I now share, after reading the physician’s report on your health.” “Oh?” asked Anvil. “We’ve hardly had any ailments since our awakening.” “Tis your mouths that need attention, my friends. I shall relay the good physician’s words, ‘They smell worse from the front than most ponies do from behind’. I think him rather harsh myself, but it is his professional opinion that your mouths need more care.” “I see…” Luna smiled and shooed them off with both wings. “Well, away with you. As my sister would say, I expect my guards to have pearly-white teeth and minty-fresh breath when they return.” * * * * * “So, they actually have physicians specialising exclusively in teeth, now?” Anvil shook his head. “I would have thought that there are far more important things to worry about.” They were trotting down Caravan Street towards Minuette’s Practice, who was supposedly the best ‘dentist’ in all of Canterlot. They were both wearing their enchanted torques that disguised them as regular ponies. Although Princess Luna had partially informed the dentist of their conditions and the need for discretion, she was not averse to a little caution. Ponies with permanent dragon wings would still draw unwanted attention. “Such as?” Hammer prompted. “I'm certain that there are other ailments worthy of more attention, although I cannot name any that are significant problems at the moment. Apparently ponies don’t get the pox all that often anymore. Or any other disease, for that matter.” Anvil rubbed the upper part of his foreleg, just below the shoulder, where he’d received an infusion of some sort through a needle the week before. The physician administering the concoction had promised that it was meant to prevent illness, but Anvil wasn’t sure how a pre-emptive infection was supposed to prevent a future bout. It was almost too simple a concept, to prepare one’s body for fighting off a disease by first introducing it to the tiny little things that apparently made everypony ill. The dental clinic was one of the cleanest places Anvil had ever seen. The floors and walls were sterile shades of white and beige and were practically spotless. After getting over the sheer immaculateness of the place, the two of them were directed to their seats by a smiling receptionist. There was a pale green-coated filly and her mother waiting there, too. Well, at least the mother was. The little unicorn was fidgeting by her mother’s side, and when Hammer and Anvil had taken their seats, she promptly trotted over to them, ignoring the grown up’s protests. “Hi,” said the filly, looking up at Anvil. “Greetings,” he replied, unsure of what else to say. Parental supervision was rather different these days, since he’d not seen anypony utilising the age-old technique of letting their foals play, bicker and fight until two or three ended up liking each other. He mentally smiled at the memory of what his budding friendship with Hammer had cost: several milk teeth and a black eye. “You’re going to see the dentist, right?” asked the filly. “You don’t look very scared.” “Should we be?” asked Hammer. The filly turned her orange eyes to the big pegasus in surprise. “Well, duh. Don’t you know what dentists do?” Anvil shook his head. “Fizzy, that’s enough, don’t bother the gentlecolts,” said the mare, still in her seat. The green filly ignored her and waved her hooves in the air, drawing a picture of something immense and terrifying. “They pull your teeth out,” she uttered in a tone that was normally used when talking about ghosts and such, “and if your teeth are really bad, they drill into them. Like this: Reeeeeeee!” She thrust a hoof towards the floor, twisting it vigorously back and forth all the way as if she was grinding an insect into the ground. “Just like that. And…” here, her voice dropped to a whisper, “my friend says that Miss Minuette is the biggest, meanest, drilliest of them all.” “Oookay, little missy, that’s more than enough,” huffed the grown mare. She scooped up her daughter with a foreleg and gave Anvil and Hammer an apologetic grin. “I’m really sorry. It’s her first time, and she’s been hearing all sorts of nonsense from her classmates. And she does need to learn to mind her own business.” Anvil smiled at the mare. “Children will be children. We’re not offended.” The filly suddenly opined, “Uh oh. Your teeth are bad, mister.” At this the mother gasped, although Anvil wasn’t certain whether it was due to shock at her daughter’s bluntness or agreement with her observation. She quickly scooped up the filly and retreated to their seats. She then began chiding the filly in a hushed tone, blushing mildly and pointedly avoiding eye contact with him and his companion. “A thousand years. And here you are, still charming mares front, left and right,” Hammer deadpanned as they went back to their respective seats. Anvil rolled his eyes. “Somehow, I cannot quite dispel the notion that you wouldn’t have fared any better, had your teeth fallen under the scrutiny of that filly’s sharp eyes. Your mouth just happened to be closed at the right time.” “Hardly. Mine just happens to be overshadowed by that gaping cavern of yours.” Before Anvil could retort, a door nearby swung open and a new voice called out, “Miss Fizzy, the dentist will see you next.” The mother and her filly dutifully trotted in, leaving him and his friend to themselves. The moment had passed, and Anvil was no longer interested in resuming their verbal sparring. Admittedly, he was a little curious about what was involved in this whole dentistry affair. The filly was undoubtedly exaggerating, but such tales often held a grain of truth or two. He’d been told similarly tall tales about apothecaries and physicians by his peers in his foalhood, and although they never involved necromancy or torture, their practices did have some oddities that might have been mistaken as such. The next half hour or so passed in silence, broken only by the occasional murmur of voices that filtered through the dentist’s door. Eventually, the filly and her mother returned, and the little one was sporting a slightly swollen cheek. She glanced back at Anvil and gave him an almost pitying look, making a cutting motion across her throat with a hoof. He truly didn’t know what to make of that, so he simply held his tongue as the pair made payment and promptly left. “You’re next, Mister Anvil.” He rose and followed the nurse in, hoping that the slight increase in his heart rate was due to nothing more than nerves. Minuette was a unicorn whose coat, mane and eyes came in various, attractive shades of blue, and whose cutie mark was an hourglass. She was wearing a simple, white mask that covered her muzzle, which she pulled down to reveal a dazzling smile when Anvil stepped into the room. “Hey there, Mister Anvil. My name’s Minuette, and I’ll be your dentist for today,” she said amiably. “Hello.” He was a little too preoccupied with taking in the sights to form a more elaborate response. The room’s tables were decked out with rows upon rows of surgical tools and other modern equipment that he didn’t recognise, and in the centre of the place stood the most elaborate chair that he’d ever seen. It was obviously made for a pony to lie on his back, and even had depressions to accommodate wings. And it had various mechanical projections on it for various purposes that he couldn’t yet fathom. Lighting was one of the obvious ones, though. Looks rather like the Rack. “First time seeing a dentist, I take it?” “Indeed.” Minuette smiled once more and gestured towards the chair. “Well then, why don’t you take a seat, for a start? I’ll talk you through the entire process.” Anvil complied. There was an awkward moment of clambering into the seat, but it was surprisingly comfortable. One of the chair’s appendages swung directly over him to shine a light into his face, and at Minuette’s command, he opened his mouth wide and allowed her to poke around with several levitating sharp tools and a tiny mirror. “Okay, so I’m just going to have a look at your chops,” she began, leaning directly over his face, “and then I’ll—good gravy, when was the last time you brushed?” Brushed? Once certain that she’d retreated and taken all the tools out of his mouth, he replied, “Could you explain? I do not know what you mean by that.” The blue unicorn blinked. “Umm, okay… Let’s put it this way; when was the last time you cleaned your teeth? You’ve got plaque build-ups the size of freaking snowdrifts, and I can already see some browning spots!” “Clean my teeth? Do you mean using a toothpick and rinsing my mouth out?” “With more than plain water, I hope.” “What else is there to use?” She smacked her forehead with a hoof. “Right. Of course.” Bewilderment was beginning to set in. Perhaps that filly hadn’t been jesting about the dentist, after all… Her smile returned with disconcerting swiftness, and she levitated her tools once more. “Oh well, never mind about that. We’ll carry on with the inspection for now. Open wide!” Anvil obeyed, and he spent the next minute or two simply thinking about how much things had changed. He’d already been aware of that, certainly, but he would never have thought that mundane matters like mouth cleanliness could suddenly become so important to everypony. He chewed his food, he swallowed, and then dug out anything else stuck in his teeth with a toothpick. The notion of stuffing a brush into his mouth wasn’t all that appealing. Maybe there— “Aagh!” Anvil jerked violently when a burst of pain erupted in one of his teeth. He involuntarily clamped down and felt something narrow and hard jam itself between his teeth, sending a fresh wave of agony though his jaw. “Grarghh!” His wings instinctively tried to spread, except that he was on his back, and they were trapped in the depressions in the seat, adding to his panic. “Oh, hayseed. I’m sorry!” cried Minuette. Her horn glowed, and she continued, “Okay, this might hurt a little more, but I’m gonna have to work that probe out.” With the initial shock past, Anvil managed to calm down and reluctantly opened his mouth once more. He felt the constant pressure being exerted by the jammed instrument shift a little, morphing into more pain as the blue mare worked it loose. Resisting the urge to grit his teeth was surprisingly difficult. Minuette was frowning. “Hang in there. Just hold still for a second…” Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity of creaking waves of pain, the tool came loose with an audible chink. Anvil sighed in relief whilst inspecting the throbbing area with his tongue. There was no blood, but his teeth felt rather tender after the abuse. Minuette, on the other hoof, was staring at the mangled remains of her tool. It was bent completely out of shape, and had imprints of his teeth on several parts. She snorted, then chucked it away. “Well, at least I was just about done. You’re lucky I managed to pull out the mirror in time, or you’d be chewing glass.” She gave him an appraising look, then took a deep breath and said, “It’s official; your teeth are in need of serious help. A boatload of plaque, one missing tooth plus eight cavities, and you’ve never considered coming to see a dentist sooner?” Anvil wasn’t sure how much he could tell her, what with him being a relic of the past, so he settled on a simple “No.” In any case, it was not untrue. “Doesn’t it hurt to chew?” “A little. But only on the left side.” Such discomforts were not uncommon for stallions his age. She must have taken his tone to be dismissive, for she rolled her eyes. “Oh boy, we’ve got a long one ahead of us.” With the pain of the previous incident seared into his memory, it was with great reluctance that Anvil submitted to her ministrations once more. She was gentler with her poking and prodding the second time round, although the part where she used a small hose to blast water at his teeth in order to clean them up was more than a little uncomfortable. It stung whenever his gums were struck by what he imagined was a tiny jet of water laced with sand grains, and he was tasting blood before long. “So... I take it being a guard for Princess Luna involves a lot more than simply having enchantments of a different colour on your armour?” she asked. There was a pause in her work, during which she indicated to him a cup atop a sink next to the seat. He rinsed and spat out red water before replying, “What makes you say that?” The blue unicorn gave him a wry smile and levitated her mangled tool back in front of him. “This, for a start. Do you have any idea how hard it is to break one of these, let alone with your teeth? When steel goes against enamel, steel usually wins.” He responded with sheepish smile. “Oh. Yes. Apologies, my lady. I can pay for that.” Minuette shook her head. “Princess Luna has covered the cost of your treatment, in any case. But to get back on track... there is also the fact that you’re wearing an enchanted necklace to hide something about your appearance. You’re not secretly a griffon or something, are you?” “No, but how did—” “Relax,” she said, smiling and waving a hoof dismissively. “Princess Luna has sworn me to secrecy. But please don’t take me for a foal. The enchantment is well masked, but I didn’t graduate from the College of Canterlot for nothing. Although I can’t see through it, I can most certainly tell it’s there. Most unicorns probably would not notice the enchantment, though.” That’s comforting. “In that case, what do you make of me?” “I’d say I admire you for your dedication to the Princess. It’s a rare pony who would be willing to be saddled with something so... different. Something that they’d have to hide while in public, even if I can only guess what it is right now.” Anvil looked away. “Thank you,” he murmured, remembering the time he’d spent encased in stone. Although their transformations were permanent, it was nothing compared to their thousand-year petrification. The half-consciousness that was like being asleep and awake at the same time, able to form thoughts that were only partially coherent, unable to move or even breathe... “Anyways, let’s get back to cleaning your teeth, shall we?” Minuette piped up, waving her tools eagerly. Anvil set those unsavoury thoughts aside and leaned back, mentally steeling himself for more oral discomfort. Still, the procedure was very much within the limits of his tolerance. Guards were trained to endure, after all. He was certain that the filly had been exaggerating about the dentist, now. At least, that was the case, until Minuette set her other tools down and brought up the little drill. “Okay, I’m going to have to use this thingy now,” she said, letting the thing whirr ominously. “It’s for clearing away the rotting parts of your cavities, and since there’s no easy way to put it, it’s going to hurt a bit. I can give you some anaesthetic, but it shouldn’t be necessary for this procedure. I don’t imagine you’d like the side-effects anyway. You’re a tough guy, right?” Toughness is relative... “How tough must one be in order to endure this?” Minuette chuckled. “Well, I’ll tell you what—we’ll just take a stab at this and see how things go from there. If it hurts too much, we can always resort to the anaesthetic. Here we go!” She just had to use the term ‘stab’, didn’t she? The first few seconds weren’t overly terrible, until she struck a sensitive spot. He yelped when a jolt of vibrant pain shot through his jaw. “Yep, it’s rotting, all right. Sorry, buddy, but you’re gonna have to tough this one out,” said the unicorn. Anvil strained to keep from clamping down and simply lay there helplessly as she continued to drill into his tooth. The vibrations were sent a constant stream of hot pain through his tooth, punctuated by the high-pitched whining that rose and fell with each application of pressure. His wings reflexively convulsed, and his legs twitched every now and then as he struggled to stay in his seat and not slap the drill away with a hoof. Flaming horseapples! He had endured pains of all sorts during his time spent as a guard, from gashes all the way to broken bones, but there was nothing that could have prepared him for this kind of agony! It was inside his mouth, like a broken tooth that was constantly being prodded with a red-hot iron bar, except that he couldn’t just spit it out and be done with it. Oh no, he had to simply lay there and endure it like a good colt. He found himself thinking that he’d rather fight a windigo. Possibly with a manticore thrown in for good measure. After what seemed like an eternity, Minuette withdrew the torture device and regarded him with a satisfied grin. “There we go. It’s all clean, now.” Anvil licked the tooth and felt a gaping, sharp-edged hole in it. He sighed in relief and fell back into the seat. At least the pain had ended. “Now we just need to get the other seven, and we can start filling up the holes.” His body went limp, and he felt his ears droop instantly. Seven more times? He was slightly annoyed to find the blue unicorn chuckling in amusement. He frowned and said, “I don’t suppose the rest will be any better?” “That’s highly unlikely. Would you like to resort to local anaesthetic?” Anvil was greatly tempted, but then he thought of the probability that Hammer was going to go through the same, and decided that he wasn’t very fond of the idea that he might have given up where the big pegasus mightn’t. It wouldn’t do to add to Princess Luna’s expenses, either. “Never mind. Let’s get this over with,” he said, squaring his shoulders and lying down once more. Minuette’s smile was a little too knowing. Almost as if she’d expected him to choose pride over comfort. He snorted. Mares. * * * * * By the time Anvil got out, he felt quite ready to just flop onto the ground and be thankful to be alive. Eight cavities sealed up. It was amazing just how much pain could come from such tiny things, although he was inclined to believe that modern ponies had simply invented a new way of needlessly magnifying suffering. Drills were now amongst his least favourite tools in existence. Admittedly, though, Minuette had done a wonderful job of fixing his teeth, even if he’d never realised they’d needed attention before. They didn’t hurt anymore, and they shone with a whiteness that he wouldn’t have believed possible. Still, he did put on his best haunted expression as he exited the room, shambling out like a half-dead pony. Hammer’s eyes widened with concern, which Anvil was happy to note didn’t happen very often. “It’s your turn, Mister Hammer,” called out the nurse from behind him. As the big pegasus trotted past Anvil, looking uncharacteristically apprehensive, he took the opportunity to lean in close and whisper, “Alas, this is one battle you cannot win. I tried, oh, how I tried...” And Anvil hung his head in mock shame. When the door shut, he grinned and imitated the modern gesture of victory, pumping a hoof in the air. It was rather satisfying to see the occasional crack in his friend’s stoic calmness, so much so that he felt the pain had been almost worth it. Small wonder the filly had taken so much pleasure in divulging every little detail of the horrors that awaited the uninitiated. It was most satisfying. * * * * * Almost an hour had passed. He’d listened hard, but there had been absolutely no indication of any distress, let alone the dreadful whine of the dentist’s drill. A good thing for Hammer, but he’d secretly hoped that his friend could have shared in the… enlightening experience of somepony using a power tool on his teeth. It was rather disappointing. At least, that was until the door opened. He had to stifle his laughter when Hammer came stalking out of the dentist’s room with a grossly swollen right cheek, as if he’d been blindsided with an iron skillet. Or maybe he’d just stuffed an entire apple in there; it was hard to tell. “What did she do to you?” Hammer worked his jaw for a moment, opening and closing it stiffly with visible effort, and sullenly replied, “Extwacshun.” He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head in inquiry upon hearing the slurred word. “Injecshung. Faish is numh.” “Ah…” There was nothing funny about his friend’s predicament anymore. Anvil shot a sideways glance at the door as Hammer self-consciously wiped away a sliver of drool from the corner of his mouth. “Shall we? I have no further desire to remain in this place.” “Agweeg.” They had made it halfway to the exit when Anvil heard the nurse call out, “Hey, wait up! Don’t forget to take your care kits!” Hayseed. He’d almost forgotten about that, and at the moment couldn’t decide whether he should be thanking the mare for reminding them. Still, they obediently trotted back to the counter to take their prescribed medicine and various apparatuses that were apparently meant for cleaning teeth. There was some thread, a small brush, lots of paste, and a bottle of more of that acrid fluid that he’d been given to wash out his mouth. He listened half-heartedly as the nurse instructed them on their daily use, briefly considering the merits of simply tossing them into the first river they passed. “—so the better care you give them, the less Ms Minuette will have to fix them! Remember, your next appointment is in six months’ time!” the mare finished. Oh Luna, you are cruel. He forced a smile as they bid the nurse farewell. * * * * * Princess Luna lifted her eyes from the piles of scrolls on her desk as the door to her solar creaked open. “Yes, Tia? The hour of rest draws near, and I shall soon be traversing the dreamscape.” Her sister had the appearance of somepony who had something important to say, but was less than keen on doing so. She trotted up to the desk, sat opposite Luna, and began, “Well, I heard about that little errand that you sent your friends on earlier this evening.” “What of it?” “Well, you might want to add another item to their list.” “Go on…” “I have been overhearing some… interesting information from my guards. There is this little problem in the barracks… they’ve been getting a lot of fleas and ticks in the beds, lately. The situation’s getting a little out of hoof…” Luna cocked an eyebrow. “Is that unusual?” “Why, yes, actually.” Celestia smiled sheepishly and added, “We’ve gotten a lot better at keeping the little pests at bay in the last century or so. You have noticed the lack of bites, have you not?” That much was true, now that Luna considered it. She had not needed to worry about getting itching lumps under her coat whenever she went to bed these days. These modern alchemists must have concocted some amazing repellents and cleaning agents to have so effectively dealt with what was formerly considered a facet of everyday life. “You are right; I have not been bothered by the little demons recently. But how does the outbreak in the barracks concern me?” Her sister shifted uneasily. “Well, some of the guards think that it’s Hammer and Anvil. The problem did start a week after they moved in… and given the attitude of our little ponies with regards to personal hygiene a thousand years ago…” Luna chuckled. “Have their brothers in arms considered simply asking them to bathe?” “Yes, as a matter of fact, I believe they did.” Luna waited throughout the pause, as that surely could not have been the end of it. “They took a bath immediately. Once. In the river. And that was supposedly a week ago.” Oh. The problem was finally apparent. After a bout of giggling and getting a rather bemused look from Tia, she said, “And your guards are afraid of how my friends would react to advice on personal cleanliness, is that it? You wish me to break the news to them that they are walking parasite colonies?” Tia smiled. “Not quite how I would put it, but yes. They are your friends, after all. And I highly doubt it’s an image that you’d want your guards to present to the rest of Canterlot.” Luna returned the smile and replied, “Well, that should be easy to remedy. At least it will not require any attention from any… specialists.” Her remark was met with an eyebrow raised in curiosity, so she snorted and rolled her eyes, saying, “These ‘dentists’ are a remarkably common feature of modern nightmares, oftentimes paired up with dreamers losing some or all of their teeth. I simply do not understand how such things have managed to surpass owlbears or dragons in inspiring terror in the hearts of ponies.” “Well, as alicorns cursed with teeth that cannot rot away, I suppose we will never know...” After letting her words hang a little, Celestia cast a summoning spell, and a plateful of confectionaries appeared in a small puff of smoke. “Cake?” Luna chuckled and took a piece. “Oh, yes. I shall ask them when they return and lay this great mystery to rest!”