Get Your Own Stupid Unicorn
“Get your own stupid unicorn!” Octavia yelled at me while I subtly eyed Vinyl’s flank. Alright, I was about as subtle as a wrecking ball, but I tried. I’d known Octavia Melody since she moved to Ponyville. She was a straight forward, musical, mare. She liked many things: classy things, fancy things, simple things, and oddly enough Vinyl Scratchy things.
To say I’d known Vinyl long would be lying, so I won’t say it. Vinyl and I met long after Octavia and I had met, but unlike Octavia, Vinyl and I seemed to get along right away. We were instant friends, and why wouldn’t we be? I’m a sexy candy maker and she’s well…Vinyl Scratch. Enough said.
Vinyl was the kind of mare who, like me, tried. She tried to be a good DJ but failed when she was trying. Don’t get me wrong Vinyl was a great DJ when she didn’t think about it. The second she tried to put any thought into her music was the second she tripped herself up. Vinyl was so unlike Octavia. Vinyl went with her gut, never thought about anything, and was better for it. I guess some ponies just have good instincts.
On top of everything else Vinyl was drop dead gorgeous. I don’t know what it is about unicorns for me but I just find the whole race so amazing. Show me an earth pony, or a pegasus and I’ll go, “Well yeah they’re cute, but where’s that spark? Where’s the magic?” I guess I’m just weird like that. I guess Octavia’s just weird like that too.
The day they told me they were dating was the day my dreams died. Like I said, Vinyl is gorgeous and I wanted her. I wanted her more than I had wanted anything in my entire life. I’d thought about asking her out but I’m a classy mare myself. I thought I'd play hard to get, and let Vinyl come to me. Apparently that came off as distant. That or Vinyl was just never interested in me. Which is cool, I guess.
Now…I’ve been going on and on about my love life (or lack of a love life), and how my two best friends are getting it on, and how I’m super jealous of both of them, and how Octavia said I should get my own “stupid unicorn,” but I never really said who I am. That’s a good question, and frankly, I’m not too sure myself.
Here’s what I know so far, my name is Bon Bon. I’m a candy maker in Ponyville. I’ve had about seven or eight ex’s: mostly mares, but a few colts in there for good measure. Pretty sure I prefer mare’s but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been attracted to a colt or two…or four. I have cream colored fur, a red and blue twisty mane and tail, some candies on my flank for a cutie mark, and am currently single. That’s it. I couldn’t’ tell you why I was eying Vinyl’s flank. I couldn’t tell you what my favorite movie was. I couldn’t tell you when my last relationship was, and I couldn’t tell you what I was really looking for in life any more. I just don’t know. I haven’t known for a long time.
So when Octavia protectively pulled Vinyl closer to her and told me, “Get your own stupid unicorn!” I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve just been standing here looking dumbfounded. “I’m being serious Bon Bon. You can’t simply check out my girlfriends flank like that.” She seems upset.
Come on Bon Bon say something to make Octavia feel better. “Not my fault Vinyl has a hot flank.” I swear my brain and the rest of my body must not be connected. Because in my head I want to do nothing but apologize to Octavia and Vinyl but all I can do is shrug and say, “It’s not like I was touching her flank. I was just looking, come on Octavia be a good sport. You know I liked Vinyl first.” I see a fist coming at me, and that it.
I blacked out for several hours. My friends are gone, and frankly I don’t blame them. God I’m so alone. I dust myself off and start walking back to my shop. I don’t really blame everypony for hating me. It’s not like I did much to get them to like me. Hell, I didn’t do much to make most ponies even tolerate me.
I don’t know why I do this crap. I don’t have any excuse: my parents are nice folks, I had friends growing up, and my childhood was great! I’m just a terrible, horrible, pony. I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch who doesn’t deserve love, or friends, or anyone.
I hear a tiny ding-a-ling as someone walks through my front door. “Welcome to Bon Bon’s Bon Bon’s.” I say with a sad tone. Screw pretending I’m happy. I know I’m not, so why shouldn’t my costumers?
I hear a familiar voice, “And this is the candy shop run by the biggest bitch. Her name’s Bon Bon.” Oh joy, Berry Punch. The town drunk, and another earth pony with a smoking hot unicorn babe. I swear I’m the only one who can’t snag one. All the good unicorns mares are either straight or taken. Berry’s showing around another new pony to Ponyville. It’s like her unofficial, official job. I think the mayor sends her checks but I never really talked long enough with a sober Berry Punch to really know.
“Oh not this crap again Berry, I’m not in the mood.” I said sounding bored and pissed off. Berry was unusually sober with no sign of her kid or her girl any where. Wow she must really work for the mayor. Dang, guess I should stop making jokes.
There was a mint green unicorn mare standing next to Berry though. Berry rolled her eyes and pointed a hoof at the unicorn, “Bon Bon, this is Lyra. Lyra, this is Bon Bon. Lyra, Bon Bon is like…the queen of all bitches so watch out. She’s also super gay so again watch out.”
I snicker a bit, “Aren’t you married to another mare Berry? Not one to really talk about being super gay. Besides, at least I’m not a drunk.” I always seem to push ponies too far. I should have just stuck with the married line but, nope I had to bring up the drinking problem.
“I’m in AA you bitch!” Berry leaps over the counter and tries to assault me but is stopped by a mint green magic aura. I look over to see the pony Berry introduced me too with her horn all a glow and wow, sweet Celestia that unicorn just saved my life. Okay, saved my life is taking it too far. She definitely saved me a major beating though.
I examine the unicorn more closely, she’s mint green with hair that matches her fur but has white stripes in it. It’s actually really nice. It’s by no means a fancy cut but it seems to suit her. She seems really relaxed, and cool. She has a little harp as her cutie mark so she’s obviously a musical type. That’s so much easier when you’re a unicorn. If I’ve learned anything from watching Octavia and Vinyl play it’d be that.
She smiles at me. It’s not a huge smile, it’s a simple, quiet smile. Her eyes though, seriously, her eyes. They are shining so bright right now and they look like the sunrise. I just kind of stare in those eyes and get lost. I don’t even notice that she let Berry down. I don’t even hear them talking. She’s just…I mean those eyes are…wow.
Don’t get me wrong, Vinyl Scratch is hot. Like really, super, hot but this mare is- “Hello, I’m umm…Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings. I guess you’re friend already said that. I hope she didn’t hurt you. I acted as quickly as I could…” She looks away. No, please don’t look away. You’re eyes are the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I…I think I’m in love. “Umm…hello? Are you alright Ms. Bon Bon?” She said my name. I can feel my heart melting. I’ve never felt like this before. Ever. “Ms. Bon Bon?” I could honestly listen to her say my name for ever, and just look into those eyes of hers. Nothing else. I just noticed she has a Canterlot accent…dear Celestia that’s adorable.
I don’t know how long I’ve been just standing here drooling over her but, she’s starting to look a little uneasy. “Oh!” I shout out. “I’m sorry I…umm…you….you’re eyes are really pretty. I’ve never seen eyes like that before.” I feel like my face is on fire.
She giggles a bit, dear Celestia do it again. “I asked if you were alright? That drunk didn’t hurt you did she?” She’s got to be the most adorable mare I’ve ever met. I just feel all warm inside. I keep forgetting what we’re talking about, and I don’t even care.
I smile, “I’m fine thanks to you.” I can’t help it, I feel so unlike me. I feel like everything I was to this point was pointless, like that’s not the pony I was suppose to be and that who I really am is what ever I am with this mare. Okay I’m even starting to make myself sick with all the sweetness.
She giggles again, “Oh please, I had nothing to do with it. I’m sure you could have taken her own all on your own. I just…I’m not a fan of violence.” Is she…she’s totally blushing.
I come around the counter, “Hey…umm…I know this is kind of forward. We just met and all but, wow this is harder then I remember it being.” I stammer on. She looks at me confused. I take a deep breath, “I know we just met but…I kind of have this policy about buying ponies who save my flank dinner.” Smooth as fresh made chocolate. I smirk at the success of my pick up line. Mental bro hoof Bon Bon.
She gasp, “Oh!” She looks down red in the face. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to insinuate that I’m a…I have a…I’m sorry did you think I fancied mares?” My entire face visibly drops.
I did in fact think she was into mares, I was really hoping she was in to mares. “What?” I say with a fake smile spread across my muzzle. “Naaaaah…I really do have this policy about taking out ponies who save my flank. Plus you’re new in town so…It’s not a date or anything.” It’s totally a date.
It’s totally a date she agreed to, “Oh…alright I suppose one dinner won’t hurt. Lead the way miss Bon Bon.” She smiles at me and I swear I should be a puddle of goo by now. I can’t take this, first pony I really fall for…and she’s straight. So much for getting my own stupid unicorn. Oh well, dinner should be nice. What else could possibly go wrong?