//------------------------------// // Chapter 8: Renewal // Story: Perception // by Valen //------------------------------// Perception ~~~ “Darkness dwells within even the best of us. It is not that the darkness is there, but what we do with that darkness that defines who we are.” ~~~ Chapter 8: Renewal Beep. Beep. Beep. That was my constant companion in the cold blackness. Beep. Beep. Beep. If this was the afterlife, it left a lot to be desired. I was surrounded by darkness, but this time I was still breathing. There was no chilling nothingness—in fact, there wasn’t anything interesting here whatsoever. I could still feel a burning in my lungs, but it was bearable. I didn’t know how long I’d been here, might’ve been minutes or weeks. I found myself reflecting upon my life again. Now I wasn’t drowning or choking, I found my mind much clearer. Funny how that works. I guess Twilight had been right when she told me ‘With death comes clarity.’ Or was that Rarity? Slate? Fuck, I couldn’t remember anymore. I thought back to my early foalhood. Images of my mother and father flashed through my mind. My mother had been a strong pegasus mare, coat of deep charcoal and a messy purple mane. My father had been an earth pony, orange coated with a white mane. The most striking thing I remembered was their eyes. Not once in my life had I been able to recall them. But now...now I could really see. Mom’s eyes were golden; they reminded me of the sunset. Dad’s were a deep shade of violet, calm and contemplative.  I flashed forwards again: Now my mom was gone. My dad too. Mom had died out on some mission to Griffonia. My dad had gotten unlucky when raiding a drug den. Two shots, one to the head, the other to the leg. He’d never had a chance. I was sent to the Ponyville Orphanage, where I’d spend the next couple years of my life alone. That all changed when one day—while sitting in the yard—a little white unicorn filly came up to me to say ‘hi.’ I’d been hostile at first; nopony came to say ‘hi’ to the pegasus who couldn’t fly unless they wanted to crack a joke. But Sweetie Belle stuck through it, eventually breaking past my barriers. That moment would change my life forever. We spent the next few weeks meeting up at that fence, until eventually the orphanage gave me the go-ahead to visit my friend. Her sister, Rarity, was a major investor in it and had specifically asked them to let me play with her little sister. I owe Rarity my life for that—too bad I’d never get the chance to tell her. Pretty soon after, I ran into Rainbow Dash, the most awesome pegasus this side of the Gray Mountains. I believed in her. From then on, I devoted my life to impressing her. Later, I befriended Apple Bloom too, and was allowed to attend Miss Cheerilee’s school. Life was really looking up. Eventually my efforts paid off: after a camping trip and a talk with none other than Princess Luna, Rainbow agreed to take me under her wing and teach me to fly. We spent every Wednesday and Thursday together, training and training as hard as we could. Within three months, I was flying! I’d never felt so alive. I even managed to get my cutie mark, just a few days after Sweetie Belle and a week before Apple Bloom. Our friendship didn’t stop there, though: the three of us had forged bonds which would never be broken. We continued playing and hanging out, always managing to stir up some kind of trouble. I always thought that Ponyville would have been a far more boring place without us. Things continued going strong for a good few years. My relationship with Rainbow continued to get better too. About six months after I first flew, Rainbow showed up at the orphanage. I asked her what was going on, to which she just smiled and said, “Pack your bags squirt. We’re going home.” I’d never been so happy in my life. Nothing good ever lasts though. When I was seventeen, Rainbow left us. I still remembered that day clearly. She’d asked me to meet her at Sanctuary around five. I’d arrived to find her sitting next to Obelisk. “Hey, Rainbow!” I called as I touched down next to my big sister. She looked up at me with a sad, almost mournful smile. “Hey, Scoots,” she replied. I cocked my head to one side, Rainbow seemed… off. Something wasn’t right. “You okay, sis?” I asked her, but she didn’t respond. Eventually, she motioned for me to come sit next to her. Now I was getting worried, this wasn’t like her. I sat next to her. She sighed and looked at me with the same sad smile. “You know that I’m proud of you, right?” “Well, yeah. Of course I do!” I replied. “Why?” “I… I just wanted to make sure you knew.” We sat there for awhile, Rainbow deep in thought. I was beginning to get really concerned. What had happened? Rainbow was never like this. Where was the brash and confident pony I knew as my sister? “I’m gonna be going away for a bit.” “What? Why?” “It’s… it’s complicated. I just wanted you to know that no matter what, I really am proud of you okay? Nothing’s ever gonna change that.” I was so confused. Rainbow was leaving? Why? And the week before my Wonderbolts try-outs? “Will you come back?” I asked her. “Of course I will! Actually…” She removed her brown flight scarf. “How about you hold on to this for me until I get back?” My eyes widened as she passed it over to me. “Are you sure? I mean, this was given to you by your mom and…” “I’m sure. There’s nopony else I could trust to keep it safe.” I put the scarf on, wrapping it around my neck tightly. Rainbow’s smile became a little more genuine. “Come here, you,” she said, pulling me into a hug. “Stay strong, my little phoenix, okay? And promise me that no matter what, you’ll always keep fighting. No matter what?” “Okay, but do you promise that you’ll come back soon?” “I promise.” She never came back. She broke her promise. My big sister—the only family I’d ever really known—was gone. I waited for her. Every night after training I would go back to Sanctuary and wait for her. After a few months, I just gave up. I hadn’t been good enough for her, so she had left me. I began to retreat from my friends. I was too scared of being abandoned again to face them. Of course, now I knew different, the recording she had left told me that much, but back then all I could think about was how she must have never really loved me. I stayed with Sweetie after that, I couldn’t go back home. It reminded me too much of what I had lost. I started pouring all my time and effort into flying, hoping against hope that someday Rainbow would see my name up in lights with the Wonderbolts and come back home to see me and tell me what a good job I’d done. It was a stupid dream, but it was all I had. When I failed that, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to sever ties with everything from my past, I didn’t want to be found. Hell, I kind of hoped that Sweetie and the others would just assume I had died and move on with their lives. More than once I had considered making it more than an assumption. Of course, things didn’t go that way. I could never entirely let go. I kept small reminders of it all around my apartment, pictures, letters, that kind of stuff. Hell, even my ball was a reminder of my past. It had been from my first meeting with Sweetie—she’d tossed it to me to catch, when it had become a favoured pastime whilst we were still separated by that fence. I tried to move on, I really did, but I couldn’t. And now here I was, dead. I thought of Eidolon, wondering what had become of him. The last I’d seen of the griffon his head was burning. That provoked a small chuckle. It shouldn’t have, but I felt like he deserved it. Besides, it was unlikely he’d died: we were both drenched at the time. And if he actually had died, then he would probably be here trying to choke me again. I thought of Firelock and Alula. I hoped that they were doing good, they really deserved to be happy. The two made a wonderful couple and it tore me up that I would never be able to see their wedding. I was glad that I had been able to see them both before I died though, my life would have been far worse if I hadn’t been able to laugh with Firelock again. I thought of Apple Bloom. She had always been a great friend. We’d had spent many days together just tinkering on my scooter. We’d shared a love of technology, which had eventually proved to be her special talent. It was good that I had been able to talk to her before she died. Even when I was being a total ass, she stuck by me. She and Sweetie Belle had been the first to go and see me when Rainbow left. Sweetie Belle… I thought of her. Of the feelings for her I had only recently discovered. I loved her, I realised. I loved her and I’d never even get the chance to say it. I thought of how many times she had helped me when I was in trouble, how many times she had put her neck on the line to keep me from getting in trouble. How many times she had gone with me to do stupid things just so I wouldn’t be alone. How many times I had hurt her. “Hey there, squirt. How’re you doing?” Beep. I whipped around and came face to face with Rainbow Dash. Not the scarred, warped version of her I had seen in my nightmares. No, this was the real Rainbow Dash. The one who had cared for me, the one who had never given up, the one who had recorded a message for a little filly to tell her she was sorry. This was my Rainbow Dash. Beep. “R- Rainbow?” I stammered, my voice hoarse and weak. She smiled. Not the confident smile she put on around others—this was the calm, loving smile she had shown when it was just me and her. “You bet, Scoots.” Beep. “Where are we?” I gestured around me at the blackness. “Is this… is this death? Am I really dead?” Rainbow smiled at me, shaking her head a little. She opened one of her wings and nodded towards it. With only a little hesitation, I walked over and accepted her offer. I felt the warm snugness of her wing cover me. I was safe here. “Nah, Scoots, not yet anyway, and this ain't death. If it was I’d have one big complaint for Luna and Celestia when they arrived!” she exclaimed, laughing. Beep. “No, this is… well to be honest, Scootaloo, you know better than me. This is your head after all.” She guided me to the top of a mountain which I was sure hadn’t been there before. I gasped as I gazed down at the vast expanse before me. We were in a forest, a forest of purples, blacks and greys. The trees were tall, beautiful. Everything emanated a soft glow. Beep. “This… this is Elysium! But that’s impossible, it’s just a fairy-tale!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had spent many days in my childhood reading about this place, dreaming of the beauties it might hold. As I grew older I had all but abandoned it as nothing but a weak filly’s escape from reality. It was said to be a realm separate from our own, Luna’s very own haven of safety and solitude. “But why are we here?” I asked, looking up at Rainbow. Beep. “Your mind is trying to tell you somethin’, Scoots. Looks like I’m just here to guide you along the way.” I cocked my head in confusion, but Rainbow merely shrugged. “Hey, this is your mind. Not mine. Don’t blame me for the crazy shit you come up with.” I stuck my tongue out at her and she laughed, ruffling my mane. “So, you ready for this?” I took a long look at the forest. What was I even trying to do here? What was the point? Well, I won’t get anywhere asking myself questions like that now will I? With that in mind, I looked up at Rainbow, and gave a firm nod. Beep. “Well then, you better lead the way, squirt. As I said, I’m just along for the ride.” She smiled at me, carefully removing her wing from my back and gesturing towards a light grey path which had appeared in front of me. I took a deep breath and began walking. Beep. The path led directly into Elysium. Trees stood either side of me, their branches entangled everywhere to create a thick canopy of wood. I could still see the purple, shifting sky above me. It was full of lavender stars, and I was happy to see an aurorae of purples dancing up there with them. Far above me hung the moon, a great eye constantly watching. Like much of the forest, it was a lightly glowing purple. “Where are we meant to be going?” Rainbow looked tense, but I couldn’t tell why. This was the most calm and tranquil place I had ever been. Beep. “I don’t really know, Scoots. Just follow your instincts I guess.” That made sense—this was, after all, some journey of self-discovery or something created by my mind. We continued walking for a while longer, stopping as we eventually came to the edge of a great, dark lake. It was huge, at least the size of Las Pegasus! At the centre of it, sprouting out of the lake was a large mountain, at the top of which sat a dark, gothic building. The sky above it looked like a whirlpool of violet, its middle directly above the central spire of the building. There appeared to be a small path leading up the side of the mountain, which started on the other side of the lake. “What is this place, Rainbow?” Beep. “This lake is Ebonmere, the heart of Elysium. Up there? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t try flying.” “What? Why not?” “Because that would be easy. You know just as well as I do that nothing worth doing is ever easy.” She was right. I scanned the bank of the lake for anything useful, internally cheering as my eyes settled on a small, black rowing boat. I nudged Rainbow and gestured towards the boat. “Nice going, Scoots!” She grinned, striding towards the boat. Beep. The boat was stuck behind some rocks. It took a little effort, but we were able to pull it out and push it into the water. I jumped in first, Rainbow joined me a second later, and the boat rocked dangerously. After a few moments of shaking, it settled and we began to drift across the smooth water. I looked around the interior of the boat, quickly locating the paddles nestled underneath the benches. I pulled one out and passed it back to Rainbow, then took out the second for myself. We started to row, our small vessel smoothly gliding across the unnervingly still water. Everything was still and silent. In the forest there had been the sound of wind rustling through leaves, owls hooting and the beautiful singing of Nightingales. Here there was… nothing. Just the splashing of water as we slowly paddled our way towards the cliff. Something was wrong. Beep. There was an almighty roar and a huge, scaly head emerged from the water just ahead of us. I screamed as we were knocked back by the waves of water emanating from its huge neck. The creature had dark purple, almost black scales. It looked like a dragon, but had fins and was far, far bigger than any dragon I’d ever heard about. Not even the tales of the Dragon King could live up to this creature. I glanced back at Rainbow; her pupils had shrunk. She stared up at the demonic beast. It had long, sharp horns which extended from the back of its head. My heart thumped in my chest as the creature’s head slowly turned to look down at us. Reptilian, golden eyes stared at me. Beep. “Ah, I was expecting you, Scootaloo,” it rasped with a slight echo. I was rooted to the spot in fear with no idea what to do. I was sure that this was it. I’d failed whatever test I had set for myself and now I was going to die. Again. Then Rainbow walked in front of me, flaring her wings protectively. Beep. “Back off, Sitharii, this one is not for you.” The lake dragon merely laughed at that, his voice echoing all around me. “What do you think you can do, little one? No one crosses the Ebonmere, not without paying the toll.” That snapped me back to the present. I looked up at the monstrous creature—Sitharii. “What toll?” He laughed again, that same echoing laugh. I felt as though his voice was a storm of daggers, cutting through my mind. Beep. “Death.” Beep. “What!?” I asked, my voice raised in confusion and anger. What the heck was wrong with my mind? What was this meant to teach me?! Beep. “Death,” he repeated. Had I really just come here to die again? Was that my ultimate epiphany? That I was destined to die again and again? Beep. “Take me. Scootaloo is still needed among the living,” Rainbow said defiantly, taking a step forwards. “No, Rainbow! I can’t lose you again!” I cried. She just shook her head and smiled that same sad smile she had given me the day she left. “Scoots, you still have a chance to get back out there. I don’t. You’re still needed, I haven’t been needed for years.” I felt tears begin to fall again. This couldn’t be happening, not again! What the fuck was my mind trying to do to me? Drive me back into depression? Rainbow walked up to me, pulling me into a hug and wrapping her wings around me. “Shhh. I love you, Scoots. You’re gonna go on to do great things. Just remember what I told you all those years ago.” “What?” I sniffed. “Chase your horizons, do better and never, ever back down. The world needs you, Scoots, and so do your friends.” She paused and cocked her head as if thinking about something. “And when you get back out there, don’t wait to tell Sweetie how you feel. Trust me, I know.” With that, she stood up again, turning around and nodding at Sitharii. He stared at her for a few moments before sighing. “This… this will do. Very well, come along little one. Your time is up.” Rainbow flapped her wings and soared into the sky, stopping just in front of Sitharii’s snout. Then the creature opened its mouth, revealing rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth, and he breathed. A gout of white flame burst from his mouth, engulfing Rainbow. The last I saw of her was the wink of one eye, and then she was gone. Beep. I closed my eyes, trying to blink away the tears. When I opened them again, Sitharii too, was gone. There wasn’t even a ripple in the water where he had been—he had simply vanished. I sat there for a while, crying, but there are only so many tears you can shed before you run out. Besides, Rainbow had just died so that I could keep going. I wouldn’t waste the chance she gave me. With stiff limbs, I reached out and grabbed the two oars under my fetlocks. I once again began to row, flapping my wings to give myself extra speed. I didn’t want to risk Sitharii jumping back out to eat me or something. I seemed to move much faster this time, arriving at the base of the cliff within what seemed like minutes. The boat lightly bumped into a large set of carved, stone stairs. I looked up, but all I could see were stairs and stone. With nowhere else to go, I jumped off of the boat and stepped onto the stone. There was a splash from behind me—I turned around just in time to see my boat sink under the water. Beep. “Well, not going back that way,” I muttered. With nothing else to do, I began to ascend. Every step felt like an eternity. It drained me of my energy. It was all I could do to keep moving. But I did; I kept on moving, because if I didn’t then Rainbow’s sacrifice would have been for nothing. I couldn’t accept that. So I climbed. I climbed and climbed, ignoring the burning in my lungs, the dull pain in my right eye. It didn’t matter, I would not fail. Not again. Never again. I wouldn’t back down, I owed that to Rainbow. I owed it to myself. Beep. After what felt like weeks, I finally reached the summit. I walked through a large stone archway, stepping into a courtyard of stone. Dozens of statues surrounded me: Ponies, Zebra, Griffons, Minotaurs and even a Changeling or two. They all had glowing, purple eyes which seemed to follow my every movement. The place was… eerie. I didn’t like it here at all. Beep. I rushed to the huge double-doors of the building, doing my best to avoid looking at the statues. I pushed against them, and they opened without a sound. I had expected them to deny my entrance, forcing me to find some alternate route inside where I would be attacked by hordes of the statues. This was too easy. Beep. Carefully, I stepped through the doorway. The room I entered was pitch black—I couldn’t see a thing. I heard the door slam, but didn't bother turning around. Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light. I shut my eyes, bringing a hoof up to cover them on instinct. When the throbbing in them stopped, I opened my eyes again to see a purple flame on a pedestal in the centre of the room. Behind the pedestal was a large, angular, grey tomb. It had two stone Night Guards standing either side of it, and behind the tomb was another archway leading into a shadowy corridor. Beep. I heard the clacking of steel-shod hooves coming from the corridor. A pegasus mare stepped out of it, wearing a full set of plate armour. There was not one part of her body exposed. Aside from her eyes. Her glowing, lavender eyes. She had long, serrated hoofblades, which cut deep grooves in the floor as she walked. She stopped as she got to the far edge of the tomb, and stared at me. Beep. We stood there for a while, neither of us making a move. Then, without warning, she leapt forwards, her wings beating as she streaked towards me. I leapt to the side, narrowly avoiding her lunge. She was unperturbed, and continued to rain flurry after flurry of attacks after me. I kept moving back, constantly dodging. The mare fought in unnerving silence, never uttering a single word or grunt. Nothing. Beep. My flank collided with cold stone. I was cornered. The mare didn’t waste time—she slashed down again, the hoofblades on a course for my neck. In a last, desperate move I darted forwards, my hooves colliding with her helmet. She fell back, still not making a sound. Capitalising on my opportunity, I pounded away at her helmet, smashing dents into the steel. Finally, my efforts paid off and the helmet rolled away, revealing her face. I raised my hoof, ready to finish her! Ready to finish me. “Go on. Do it. Kill me. This is what you want, isn’t it? It’s what you fucking dream of!” I stared down in horror at my own bloody, scarred face. She was missing her right eye, a gaping hole left behind. Her other was bloodshot and angry. I fell back, shaking. This couldn’t be happening. My heart was throbbing, my ears were roaring. My double merely chuckled, her voice echoing sinisterly. She began to shed her armour, casually throwing it away to reveal black, mechanical legs with small, talon-like digits. I was even more horrified to see her cutie mark, my cutie mark had been burnt and scarred. The phoenix was barely visible under the raw flesh. “No… no you aren’t me, you can’t be…” “And why can’t it be? Wake the fuck up, Scootaloo, you know what you see. I’m you, the real you. I’m the blackest little part of your soul,” she laughed, grinning widely. She started to walk closer as I backed away. “Slate? Eidolon? They don’t have shit on us! At least they don’t pretend to be anything else, at least they don’t hide who they are.” She stopped directly in front of me, giving me a hard shove with one of her mechanical appendages. “But you can’t do that, can you? You can’t accept who you really are. You have to go around constantly hurting the ponies you know will come back again, and again to help you. You’re a fucking monster, Scootaloo, all I am is brave enough to admit it. Because I am fucking sick of this ‘better pony’ crap. You aren’t better, you never were. What’s the point, huh? Why try and be better when you can’t even be there when your best friend dies!?” I felt tears begin to fall again. I didn’t even bother trying to stop them. My legs felt weak, and I collapsed to the floor. There was nothing I could say. She was right. She was completely right. “Yeah. I thought so. So why don’t you go ahead and off yourself? That’s what you wanted isn’t it? What happened to the whole ‘Why should I live when they die’ thing? Isn’t this what you wanted? So go ahead, kill me. Fucking do it, you worthless pile of shit!” I struggled to my hooves, trying to stare my warped self in the eye. “What? What do you want from me?” I asked her, and she laughed. “I want you to give it up! I’m sick and tired of all this bullshit, so stop beating around the damned bush, Scootaloo. You want to die? You want to stop hurting? I’m right here.” She sat back and threw her forelegs wide, exposing her chest for me to see. It was covered in scars, some of them fresh enough to still be bleeding. “Do it.” I shook my head, backing away. “No… no I don’t want to. I won’t!” “Of course you won’t,” she said, standing up again. She began to advance, casually strolling towards me. “Not when it really comes down to it. You bitch and cry about how much you hurt others, about how you don’t deserve to live. But when it all comes down to it, you’re just a big fucking coward.” “Stop it!” I shouted, trying to cover my ears and block out her words. She snarled, smacking me across the face. I fell to the ground, bleeding from a deep gash on my cheek. “No, Scootaloo, you fucking stop it! Stop trying to be better. Stop trying to fix your mistakes, because you can’t! You never could! You’re fucking pathetic. You’re a failure. You are an insult to everyone who has ever fucking known you!” she screamed. She began to shudder as she spoke, her breathing irregular.  “And if you don’t stop trying to fix your screw-ups, you’ll end up a husk. If you want to survive, you have to become like me. Stop caring, stop giving a shit! Accept what you are and embrace it. You’re a monster, Scootaloo, a fucking beast. You’ve already nearly killed two people; you only stopped this time because he was better than you. How long until you succeed? You’ve only got three options here: you stop caring, and become like me... you burn yourself out trying to fix your mistakes... or you die.” I stared up at my mirror, finally realising what she was. She was my fear. My hurt, my pain. All of it bundled up inside a single entity. She was trying to protect me, not hurt me. She was breathing heavily, her face contorted in rage. Slowly, I rose to my hooves. She was shaking even more violently now. I reached forwards and she began to fall, her gaze transforming from one of rage to one of unimaginable pain. My hooves wrapped around her, and she collapsed into my shoulder, crying. I stroked her mane. “I’m sorry…” I whispered to her, stroking her mane. She just sobbed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough to save you, but I can’t give up now. You know I can’t. I finally really do have a chance to make things right and I don’t want to let it pass me… no, pass us by.” She looked up at me, tears in her one remaining eye. “It’ll be tough. We’ll get hurt, I… I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I’m just so tired of hurting,” she managed through sobs. I hugged her closer. “I know it will, but we’ve just gotta hold on. Because… because no matter what, we’ve got to keep trying. We owe it to Rainbow, to Sweetie, to Apple Bloom, to everyone! And… and if we burn out, or if we die, or… or if we really do become a monster, then that’s what happens. But we can’t just hide away from the pain. We have to keep fighting.” She sniffed again, but eventually nodded. “Okay,” she whispered in a hoarse voice. She pulled back, struggling to her hooves. Once she was standing again, she turned back towards the tunnel she had come from. I got up and ran after her, stopping just outside the tunnel as she began to walk through it. “Where are we going?” I asked. She stopped and turned around, a weak smile on her face. “Home,” she replied, disappearing into the shadows. With one last look around the room, I followed her into the cold blackness. Beep. Beep. Beep.