//------------------------------//
// The Fun Engine 
// Story: Tales of Canterlot Castle 
// by The Ponopticon 
//------------------------------//


-A Tale of Canterlot Castle-


-The Fun Engine-


“So Luna,” said Princess Celestia as she sidled up next to her sister, “what’s this I’ve been hearing about you building a siege weapon on the roof?”
“I am doing nothing of the sort!” Luna replied indignantly.  “Wherever didst thou hear such base and scurrilous rumours?”
“Hmm.”  Celestia stroked her chin with a  forehoof and allowed herself a smug grin.  “Forgetting our modern speech, are we?  Why, whatever is the matter?  Nervous about something?”
“Neigh!  I mean, no!” Luna cried.  “No!  Of course not!  And I am totally modern… yo.”
“Mmhmm.”  Point for me, Celestia thought.
A brief look of guilt flashed across the younger princess’s face.  “I have been building something on the roof though.  Well, more the outer wall, really, but that’s hardly…”
Luna trailed off as she met her sister’s even gaze.  It was one of Celestia’s trademark “not-quite-baleful-but-still-baleful-enough-to-warrant-concern” looks, and Luna was all-too familiar with what such looks meant.
“It’s definitely not a siege weapon, though,” Luna backpedalled.  “Ha ha!  No.  Almost completely different from one, in fact.”
Luna coughed to clear her throat, then drew herself up to her full regal height as her confidence began to return.
“I am engaged in the construction of a device of ‘fun,’” she declared, ruining her delivery slightly by making air-quotes with her forehooves.  “More specifically, an improvement upon one such device I encountered on my last trip to Ponyville.”
“A device of fun?” Celestia echoed.
“Quite so.”
“Not a siege weapon?”
“Most certainly not.”
“May I see it?”
Luna hesitated.  “Well, it’s not quite ready yet…”
“Luna.”
“It’s at a rather delicate stage of calibration right at the moment…”
“Luna.”  Celestia’s tone was one that brooked no argument, very much the verbal equivalent of her “not-quite-baleful-etc.” looks.
Luna sighed in defeat.  “Fine,” she said.  “I was going to conduct a test firing today anyway, so you might as well come along to watch.”
Celestia was silent for a moment.
“Test firing?!?”


OOO


“Well, here it is,” Luna said.
“It” was a truly massive construction of wood and steel perched precariously on the western siege wall of Canterlot Castle, easily thirty feet tall, its base projecting nearly ten feet off the wall’s inner edge and having to be supported from underneath by several layers of support struts.  It looked to Celestia rather like a skeletal wooden mountain had come to rest, somewhat apologetically, on the walls of her castle.
“It’s a giant catapult,” Celestia said, just a hint of an accusation in her voice, as she noticed the telltale long arm hanging down from the device’s apex and a massive stone weight suspended from the other end.
“A giant trebuchet, actually,” Luna corrected.
Celestia ran a hoof over her face.  “Luna, dear, how exactly is this not a siege weapon?” she asked.
“Intent, of course,” Luna replied.
“Intent?”
“Yes.  You see,” the younger princess explained, “weapons are made with the intent to do harm.  This device is intended not to be an engine of destruction, but rather to be an engine of ‘fun.’”  Again, Luna made the air-quotes with her hooves.
“The very fact that you’re putting the words ‘engine’ and ‘fun’ together like that does not bode well,” Celestia observed.
“Nonsense,” scoffed Luna.  “I will admit that I thought much as you do when I first saw the catapults the ponies of Ponyville used to throw pumpkins at targets on Nightmare Night…”
“That’s what this monstrosity is based on?”
“… but I realised my error as soon as I saw them in operation,” Luna continued, ignoring her sister’s outburst.  “What seemed at first to be miniaturised siege weapons were in fact quite clever devices of ‘fun.’”  The air-quotes again.  “With a simple change of target and ammunition, the intent of the device alters completely.  As you can see, I’ve updated the design a little – its effective range should be increased by several orders of magnitude.  Naturally, I’ve also had to upgrade the ammunition a bit.”
As if on cue, a half-dozen of Luna’s Night Guards rolled in one of the largest pumpkins Celestia had ever seen and strapped it into the sling hanging from the trebuchet’s arm.  After curtly returning the salute of the Night Guard sergeant signaling that loading was complete, Luna flew up to make a few final adjustments to the massive device.  Seemingly satisfied, she settled down beside Celestia and levitated a small but ornate mirror from a nearby stand.
“Preparations are complete – now to check in with our ‘mare on the scene,’ as it were,” Luna said with something approaching manic glee, and of course the required air quotes.  “I’ve sent my assistant Flora out to my chosen target site.  We should be able to get her report instantaneously through this magic mirror.”
Luna activated the mirror with a surge of magic, giving it an indelicate smack to clear the static from its display.  She frowned when all that the mirror showed was darkness.
“Flora?  Flora, are you there?” Luna asked as imperiously as possible.  “Your princess desires your response!”
A muffled voice could just be heard through the mirror, then light and lurching, disorienting movement could be seen as a grey hoof moved the other mirror.  Finally, the face of Flora Civilia, Luna’s personal assistant, swung into view.
“I’m here, princess… erm, princesses,” said the image of the young unicorn, visibly perturbed by being greeted by both halves of the Equestrian diarchy at once.  “Sorry – the mirror was just in my saddle bag.”
“That’s alright, Flora,” Celestia soothed, but Luna shouldered her out of the way and nearly pressed her muzzle to the glass of the mirror in her enthusiasm.
“Nevermind that!” the younger princess shouted.  “Have you arrived at the target site?”
“Um… Yes, Princess Luna.”  The view in the mirror swung to take in what appeared to be an abandoned farm house with a large red ‘X’ painted on its roof.
“Excellent,” Luna purred, tapping her forehooves together gleefully.
“That’s a thatched roof, princess,” Flora’s voice noted.  “How did you manage to paint that?”
“With difficulty,” Luna replied.  “Now, if we are finished with these superfluous observations, let’s get to the matter at hoof, shall we?  Keep the target in the mirror’s view, Flora, I want to see the impact.”
“Impact?” exclaimed Flora.  “Uh… Now that I think of it, your Majesty, you never actually told me what was going on.”
“FIRE!” Luna hollered as she pulled the large lever sticking out of the side of the trebuchet.
“Now might be a little too late for second thoughts, my little pony,” Celestia said into the mirror.
“Oh, horseapples.”
The Night Guard loaders leapt clear just as the massive stone weight of the trebuchet lurched downward, the inevitable slowness of its descent multiplied by the magic of leverage into a huge acceleration at the other end of the launching arm.  The sling snapped taught around the giant pumpkin, effortlessly flinging the enormous vegetable in a wide arc until, at the very top of its arc, the latch holding the sling opened, letting the pumpkin free.  It was out of sight almost immediately, disappearing to a tiny orange dot in the sky, flying, then falling…
There was a shriek from the mirror as its view was overtaken by a tide of orange.
“Flora!  Flora, are you alright!” Celestia cried, but again she was shouldered aside by her enthusiastic younger sibling.
“Did I hit the ‘X’?” Luna shouted.
“Pulp!  Pulp everywhere!” screamed Flora’s voice – the mirror’s view was still entirely obscured with orange.  “Some got in my mouth!”
“The target, Flora!  What about the target?” Luna demanded, shaking the mirror in frustration.
“Gone!  Everything… Gone!  Pulp everywhere!  And seeds!” Flora screamed back.  “It’s like a pulpy, seedy sea!  There are waves and everything!”
“Hm.  That seems a bit unreasonable,” Luna muttered, lost in thought.  “The pumpkin wasn’t that big.”
“Luna!” Celestia scolded, an accusatory edge creeping back into her voice.
“I’ll never be able to eat pumpkin pie again!”
“Yes, well, your observations have been very helpful, Flora, thank you,” Luna said somewhat sheepishly into the mirror.  “Um… You can make your way back to the castle whenever you like.  No rush.”
“AAGLBLGLAAARGLGLBLBLRLBLGLRAARGLE!” replied Flora’s voice through the mirror before the connection cut out completely.
There was silence for a moment.
“Well,” said Luna.  “’Twould seem that in my drive to create a device of ‘fun’ I have instead created an implement of devastation.”
Celestia sighed.  “I’ll put it with the others,” she said.


-FIN-