“This ship smells like a barnyard! What the hell are they keeping down he… oh.”
Nigel stopped talking when he reached the bottom of the stairs, the under decks lit by lanterns lining the walls. Large cages filled the spacious cargo hold and inside those cages resided a mass of ponies and what looked to Nigel to be zebras. There was a mix of ages and genders, all of the creatures huddling as far back as they could as Nigel scanned the dimly lit area. His First Mate, Sea Biscuit had followed him down to the lower decks and the mare was examining the cages’ occupants with a frown on her face.
“These slaves aren’t even marketable; their conditions are far too poor. Why is a griffon naval vessel transporting a cargo of slaves that wouldn’t even fetch a hoof-full of golden Talents?”
“Okay,” Nigel began to respond, “Firstly, ‘hoof-full’? Secondly, ‘Talents’? and lastly what’s all of this about marketable slaves?” Sea Biscuit swore that the hull actually lowered in temperature when the Captain said the word ‘slaves.’
“Uh, ‘Hoof full’ is a phrase meaning-“
“I get that First Mate,” the Captain interrupted with a growl, “what I am more interested in are these slaves.” As he said this he leaned in towards the cage, all of the slaves moving as far away as they could from the faceless monster.
“Well, every nation except the newly-formed Equestria-“
“Let me guess,” Chalmers interrupted, “Equestria is the nation where all of the ponies live right?”
Sea Biscuit gave the Captain an inquisitive look, “I thought you said you weren’t from this planet, how did you know?”
Captain Chalmers didn’t say anything for a while, Sea trying to figure out if she had done something wrong. “It was a lucky guess Sea Biscuit, your nation names are so cryptic that I’m grateful I was able to figure it out without having to resort to using the supercomputer that the scientists no doubt inserted into my helmet” the Captain finally said, Sea Biscuit getting a vibe that he was not being entirely honest with her. As she thought about the Captain’s response however something occurred to her.
“What do you mean ‘helmet’? I thought that was your face?”
“Not important right now Biscuit,” Chalmers replied as he held up a hand to silence his First Mate, “What I want to know is just exactly how many nations on this planet advocate slavery?”
Sea Biscuit got the feeling that she was about to start a whole bunch of trouble but she did as her Captain ordered, the mare compiling a mental list of the nations that used slave labour. Which was pretty much every single one that she knew of.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
“Attention crew members and ‘newly released slaves who have nowhere else to go’, new designation pending.” The crew all looked towards the captain who was standing on the aft of the ship somehow amplifying his voice. The slaves, who the Captain had demanded be released from the cages were ambling around on the large deck of the ship which had previously belonged to their captors. They were still incredibly scared of the captain and the pirates in general but everyone were thankful that the strange creature had freed them, even if he did seem a bit… off. They too also looked towards the imposing biped with the aqua unicorn standing beside him.
“It has come to my attention that most of the nations on this back-water planet participate in the vile practice of slavery. Now before I go into my main rant I wish to make a sub-rant.” The Captain gestured beside him, the entire crew gasping in amazement as a glowing blue list appeared in the air.
“Rule number one: no slavery. If anyone on this ship sells, buys or even helps to move slaves I will personally hunt you down and skin you alive while singing ‘Over the Rainbow’. Seriously I will laugh and preform musical theatre while you beg for the sweet embrace of death.” Nigel smiled; he seemed to have the full attention of everyone on the ship. The threat of agonizing death can be quite an attention getter.
“Rule number two: No rape,” Nigel glanced down at Sea Biscuit as the mare nudged his leg with a hoof.
“You know the crew are mostly mares right Captain?” Sea whispered, eliciting a sigh from Chalmers.
“I know Sea, and let me also tell you that if you’re a man and you get locked in a room with several incredibly horny females dressed in leather for three days then you find out that ladies also sink to that level.” Sea Biscuit had no response to that, the Captain upon seeing that his point had been made directed his attention back to the assembled ponies on the ship.
“I know we’re a bunch of murderous, deceitful scallywags but I expect a level of decency that reflects my command. Stallions, if any of you even so much of think of raping something I will cut off your balls and make coin purses out of them which I will send to your mothers. Mares if you rape anything I will be very, very disappointed,” the male crew looked at the Captain like they were about to complain, “also I will cover you in oil and set you on fire.” This silenced any objections about in-equality regarding the no rape rule.
“Rule number three,” the Captain continued, “Obey my every order without hesitation, also First Mate Sea Biscuit here is my second in command so listen to everything she says as well.” Sea Biscuit was about to protest being given that much responsibility but the Captain began to stroll back and forth across the aft deck waving a hand in the air.
“Looting privileges,” every member of the crew perked up at this, “whenever anything is plundered such as supplies, merchandise etc. we will wait until we reach port and when we sell the items the money will be dived up according to rank. In the case of gold chests or other such valuables we’ll get to the dividing once the ship is out of danger. You also have free reign to loot all of the corpses you desire just be reasonable, pulling out gold teeth is a little too far.”
Chalmers stopped his pacing, placing his hands on the wooden rail as he looked out over his new ship, the old one attached to a tow line behind the large battleship. On the main deck sat over forty ponies and twenty-five zebras, the freed captives from the dank hold. All of the prisoners were in varying states of malnutrition and Nigel had already ordered that they be treated the same as crew members when it came to rations. This had caused some murmurs amongst the less tolerating members of the pirate crew, murmurs that had been silenced when the Captain had demonstrated his ability to replay images that had happened in the past. Images of his assault on the griffon ship earlier. Close up. With surround sound so every death scream was able to be heard crystal clear.
“While on the subject of slavery,” Nigel said as he overlooked every attentive face, “due to the existence of slavery in the Griffon Empire, the Zebra Nations, the Minotaur Kingdom and the Diamond Dog Tribes we are now officially at war with these mentioned civilisations, everything that belongs to them we will attack on sight.” The crew were too stunned to react, the Captain continuing on as he advocated all-out war against nighty-percent of the world.
“I know what many of you are thinking, ‘but Captain Chalmers, how will we eliminate the majority of nations on this planet, we are but a crew of sixty with a bunch of freed slaves?’ and let me tell you this!” the Captain bellowed as he raised his right arm towards the sky. A blue glow surrounded it before a large cylinder formed, a bright light emitted from the end.
“I am so drunk on my own ego right now that if God was even paying attention to this grease-ball of a planet I would probably attempt to usurp his throne up there in the sky!” The Captain turned to look at the blue sky, raising his left hand with his middle finger sticking straight up.
“Fuck you God!” Chalmers yelled as a blue bolt of energy flew out of the cylinder in his right arm to the surprise of the assorted ponies and zebras. The bolt of blue travelled straight and true until it was halted by an unlucky seagull, the bird instantly vaporising in a burst of flame. Nigel took a second to ask himself if the annoying flying rats existed at every ocean in the universe before rotating back around to face his crew.
“We shall be unstoppable, our might unchallenged!” Captain Chalmers shouted as he raised a metal fist, “We shall not back down, Wir werden sie zerschmettern! Wir werden sie zerstören! Wir warden…” the Captain paused as the crew attempted to understand what he had just said.
“He he, sorry about that, don’t know what came over me. Back on track, while we may lack the strength to conquer the world for the good of the UIP,” Nigel sighed when his crew all stared at him utterly lost.
“The UIP is the United Imperium of Planets, the giant space empire that I am employed by, keep up with me here,” Chalmers continued as he hopped over the rail surrounding the aft deck, dropping the six meters to the main deck. He strolled over until he was in front of the freed slaves, Stallions clutching their wives and mares hiding their foals. The Captain looked over the scared huddle in the middle of his ship, counting every single pony and zebra. “We will become stronger then you could possibly imagine. Then the world shall be min… ours.
As for you former slaves I will be happy to host you aboard this vessel,” the Captain’s voice lowered in volume a little, relaxing a few of the equines before him. “However you will need to earn your keep. I don’t expect you to fight and kill however I do think some cooking, cleaning and general duties are not unreasonably to ask. There are more than enough bunks on the ship so everyone gets a bed. When we get to port you’re free to go unless you want to stay and help with world domination. That is all so everyone get back to work!”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Nigel leaned back on the small stool, the wooden seat straining under the weight of the armoured human. The Captain’s cabin was quite a swank room, expensive rugs and furniture decorating the spacious area. His speech had gone rather well in his opinion; his crew now knew the rules and Nigel had successfully conveyed his objectives. He had assigned one of the unicorns to steer the ship, granted without his excellent naval navigation skills Nigel doubted that they would reach the nearest Equestrian port as quickly as they would if he was steering but he could make do. Chalmers rested back against the wall and plopped his feet up on the mahogany desk sending the jewellery covering it to the floor. Evidently the former captain was not shy when it came to displaying her wealth.
“Captain Chalmers, can I come in?”
Nigel sighed as the voice of his first mate sounded from outside his cabin. He didn’t mind the mare but sometimes she could just ask so many questions. Questions like ‘So are you a space alien?’, ‘How can you preform magic without a horn?’ and ‘Why do you laugh when you kill?’ silly queries like those. He put up with the tirade of questions because he could understand why she would be interested but she possessed an almost childlike curiosity. Still he couldn’t just ignore his second in command.
“Enter,” Nigel ordered wearily, his first mate stepping into the cabin before closing the door behind her. Sea Biscuit stood in front of his desk, the mare just staring at him. Seriously, she didn’t even blink as her iron gaze lingered on him. Nigel was starting to get really freaked out, was she going to attempt to kill him, try to steal something, attempt to burrow into his chest, rip out his heart and steal his soul? Realising how stupid he was being Nigel cleared those thoughts from his head. He hadn’t married the mare so the whole ‘heart-ripping, soul-stealing’ thing was certainly not going to happen. “What is it Sea Biscuit?” Nigel asked when the unbroken gaze just passed the line of creepy.
“Is that a helmet you’re wearing?” the mare asked, having sat down on her rump with curiosity in her eyes. To say Nigel was glad to hear such a question would be like saying he was a pacifist who was a reincarnation of Gandhi. Complete bullshit.
“Why, Sea Biscuit?” the Captain replied with irritation in his voice, “why do you ask so many questions non-stop?”
He may have overdone it with the irritation; the mare looking incredibly hurt leaving Nigel to wonder just how a mare like her became a pirate. She didn’t like to fight, avoided the other crew and spent most of her time following Nigel around like a puppy. All-in-all not bloodthirsty-raider material in Nigel’s eyes but this was a planet where the equines were all shades of the rainbow so a soft pirate was not really that surprising.
“I-I’m sorry for bothering you Captain,” the mare choked out as Nigel rolled his eyes behind his visor.
“It’s really no big deal I guess, I would probably ask just as many questions if I was in your place.”
‘If by ‘Your place’ you mean standing over your broken body with a mallet in my hand.’
Sea Biscuit looked back up at her Captain, the mare actual sniffling and Nigel swore he saw traces of tears in her eyes. Nigel sighed again as he stood up, the mare watching him as he walked over towards a large heavy chest covered in piles of gold with an extremely large padlock. The Captain retrieved a key from his suit, the Sea Biscuit’s eyes widening as she thought that Chalmers had just reached into his skin. Nigel moved the large key towards the lock, about to insert it before he stopped and turned towards the mare.
“Whoops,” he chuckled. “Almost forgot to turn off the explosives.” Sea Biscuit stared as the Captain extended his hand, a finger touching a small black rectangle hidden under a rug. A loud beep sounded, hundreds of red lines that covered the entire chest appearing briefly before disappearing. Satisfied, Nigel inserted the key into the lock and opened it, the Captain swatting the golden items of wealth off of the chest before opening it.
“Wh-what do you mean, explosives?” Sea stammered, briefly forgetting the reason why she was upset. The Captain seemed to not mind the question, his voice boisterous and excited.
“Well, the system that I just deactivated is a Mavor-and-Watts military-grade personal defence mine. Affectionately called the ‘body-shredder’ by many in the armed forces serving the UIP the explosive incorporates a directive shaped-charge that peppers anything in a one-hundred and eighty degree cone with a combination of shrapnel and concussive force. Nothing biological survives and the fragments can even pierce steel plate.” Nigel lifted a metal box from inside the chest, the Captain walking back over towards the desk.
“Short version,” Nigel continued as his fingers danced across a glowing blue panel, a drone sounding as the box folded open to reveal pieces of perfectly wrapped slices of cheese. “You touch my cheese without my say-so and you get fucked up. Want a piece?” The Captain questioned as he held out a slice towards Sea Biscuit.
“N-no, thank you Captain,” the First Mate replied as she warily eyed the cheese. How did she know that there wasn’t an ‘explosive’ strapped to the slice as well? “I just ate before so I’m not that hungry.” The Captain shrugged as he withdrew his hand, reaching up to his helmet with the other.
“More for me,” the Captain stated as lifted his helmet off with a hand, the Captain shaking his head and popping his neck. Sea Biscuit examined her Captain’s face now that it had been revealed that he did indeed wear a helmet. Captain Chalmers didn’t really seem to have the face of a murderous butchering alien, granted his face was alien but Sea could clearly see a mouth, ears, an outcropping of peach-coloured hairless skin that looked like a nose and icy blue eyes. The Captain’s eyes were smaller than a pony’s and the entire face was topped with straight light-brown hair, the only hair seemingly on the Captain.
“You know, if you stare for much longer I’m going to assume you’re about to propose.” Sea snapped out of her stare, the Captain looking at her with concern.
“You’re looking a bit green there,” he commented as he leaned forward to peer at the slight green tint on the mare’s face. “I didn’t think my face was that sickening.” The green colour vanished as the mare paled, the pony waving her front hooves in the air from her sitting position as she attempted to retrieve the situation.
“No-no-no Captain, I’m just feeling a little ill because of the waves that’s all! You have a very pretty face and it’s just seasickness!”
Captain Chalmers kept his gaze on the panicked unicorn, the mare’s explanation a bit fishy. He found it hard to believe that a pirate could be seasick but he trusted his First Mate. He had only known her for a day but he could sense that she was not the betraying type. The fact that he could probably take down a small inter-galactic empire let alone a small pony also contributed to his confidence in trusting her.
“Thanks for the complement,” Chalmers replied happily with a grin as Sea Biscuit breathed a sigh of relief. “Today has just been filled with so much stress, hate, fear and sadness so that really made my day.” Nigel left out the bloodshed that had occurred during the seizing of his current ship; he wanted the mare to think that her compliment was the only thing that had brightened his day. The mare shifted un-comfortably as all talk ceased, the sound of the Captain eating his cheese filling the cabin as the two stared at each other.
“Any more questions?” Nigel suddenly inquired, the startled mare almost falling onto her back at the query. Sea Biscuit took a moment to gather her wits; it may be the last time the Captain would give her free reign to ask all she desired.
“What are you called? Your race I mean.”
“Human,” Nigel answered with a smile as he ate his cheese. Sea Biscuit made a mental note that buying the Captain some cheese as a gift would probably be a good idea if she ever wanted to ask questions. Something clued her in to his love for cheese, maybe the fact that it seemed to have a calming effect on him, maybe it was the loving look he gave each slice before eating it or maybe it was the fact that the chest that he kept the dairy product in was protected by a magic exploding thingy while all of his share of the loot they had plundered was just thrown around the room un-guarded.
“Is that some kind of hairless monkey?”
“Yes, it is some kind hairless monkey, however the name ‘some kind of hairless monkey’ was too long so we just condensed it down to ‘human’. The Captain responded with sarcasm evident, Sea deciding to just call a ‘human’ a ‘human’.
“Uh, I’ll just go with human,” Sea mumbled, the Captain motioning her to go on. “What did you do before you became Captain?”
“I killed things, except then I didn't wear a pirate hat” came the chirpy reply as Chalmers nibbled on his cheese. “And please just call me Nigel when we’re alone. You’re my second in command and although we have to work together some familiarity won’t kill us,” Nigel looked up at the ceiling in thought, “I think, either familiarity or popping out of cover when a sniper is shooting at the squad you are with is what gets you killed.” Sea Biscuit honestly couldn’t think of what to say to that, she didn’t even know what the Captain meant by ‘sniper’ and ‘squad’.
“What’s a sniper?” Sea Biscuit questioned, Nigel waving a hand in the air as he replied.
“Soldier who attacks from a concealed position with a ranged weapon who prioritises officers and commanders. Often known for being quite anti-social off the battlefield and they tend to avoid direct confrontation.” Nigel had finished eating, placing the remaining cheese in his strange metal box as he leaned back. Sea Biscuit figured that she didn’t have much time left, Nigel leaning back on the tortured stool as he once again placed his feet upon the desk.
“I’ve just go two questions left,” Nigel nodded his head, signalling that she could continue. Sea Biscuit ran her eyes over the Captain’s body causing Nigel to raise an eyebrow. “Is that your body or is it armour that you can take off?”
“It is armour that I can remove, however the scientists who made it said that it just compresses into a breastplate, gauntlets and greaves which I can remove at will.” Nigel looked behind him, staring down at his back. “Still don’t know how they fitted four reactors in there; I really should pay more attention to science that doesn’t involve guns and coffee machines.” Sea nodded, utterly lost at the
word ‘reactors’. Maybe her second question would yield better results, the mare pointing her hoof at the metal box that contained the Captain’s cheese.
“Where did you get that box, did you keep it in your armour?”
“Eh, sort of,” Nigel replied as he tilted his head to the side, “while my armoured suit can hold large items thanks to something called ‘Quantum Mechanics’ or as I like to call it ‘Infina-box, the Magic of Storage’. I made this box about an hour ago after I found that stash of cheese in the galley using my armour. You keeping up here Sea Biscuit?”
The mare really wasn’t but she figured that if she let him continue then he might warm up to her a bit. While he wasn’t as mean as the last captain Nigel seemed to regard his crew with a sort of detachment and Sea Biscuit wanted to find out why. Plus she had to admit that it wasn’t everyday an alien takes over the ship you’re one so this was likely a once in a lifetime chance to find out about alien things.
“Yes Nigel, you made a box for cheese with your suit,” Sea furrowed her eyebrows in thought, “somehow.”
“I really can’t believe it myself,” resumed Chalmers. “I was just sitting here reading the manual and I found out that this suit has something called a fabricator in-built, see?” Nigel raised an armoured arm, the suit shifting and whirring as a large contraption slid over his hand, a wide barrel at the end with four metal arms extending out in a cross shape around it. “My suit provides power from four anti-matter reactors and a small internal mass fabricator provides building material. I’ve only seen a tiny amount but it looks like blueprints for stuff such as full standalone reactors and fabricators, weapons, turrets, vehicles, drones and even a light up LED swivel chair have been included. I’m essentially a walking weapon with the ability to build a base atop of the enemy base that I just blew up; using the remains of the base I destroyed to make more things to blow up more enemy bases. It’s amazingly simple when you think about it but pure genius as well.”
“Simple, okay,” Sea Biscuit answered, as she nodded her head while questioning the nature of existence. No matter what the human claimed Sea didn’t even think the most powerful unicorn could do what he claimed, Nigel didn’t even use magic according to his own admission
“At the current stage I can only make small things,” the Captain continued, “however once we capture a port city I plan to make a base and build a gigantic black tower for my lair. Every planet-conqueror needs a tall black tower to lair in or you’re just going to be dismissed as a newbie. Hell I could probably wack a few generators and fabricators in the former slaved hold, this ship is certainly big enough. We could get some weapon production going, upgrade the ship a little bit, you know with turrets, engines and all the stuff like that.” Nigel re-focused his attention to his First Mate, the mare obviously incredibly confused. He looked outside a window and noticed that night had fallen quickly, Nigel getting so caught up in his chat with the mare that he had lost track of time.
“I’ll tell you the rest in the morning,” he told Sea, “why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll probably do the same.” Sea Biscuit moved to object, Nigel beating her to it. “That yellow unicorn, gold main with white stripes…”
“Her name is Morning Sparkle,” Sea Biscuit supplied, the Captain nodding his head in thanks.
“Yes her, she’s already assigned to watch the ship and she seems to be one of the only ponies apart from you to not crap themselves when I talk so she’s pretty much third down in terms of rank. Apparently there’s an Equestrian port not too far away, we should get there midday tomorrow. I was thinking after the freed slaves are sorted we take the entire crew down to a local bar and treat them to some drinks, give them a day off. That’s all I’ve planned so far but it’s a start.” Chalmers tilted his head back and closed his eyes, Sea taking the cue as she made to leave. The unicorn stopped at the door, glancing back towards the Captain.
“Goodnight Nigel,” the mare farewelled.
“Night,” the human mumbled out, Sea Biscuit stepping out onto the aft deck closing the door behind her. She went over the conversation the Captain had with her in her head as she stood still, something bothering her about the last little bit about the human’s armour’s ability to make things…
“Hang on,” Sea said to herself as her eyes widened.
“Did he really say ‘capture a port city’?”