Twilight Sparkle was dead. We’d gone for a little airship ride and I’d knocked her in the head and tipped the body over the side into the Everfree Forest.
I wasn’t about to half-ass something like that, though, so I’d landed and made sure not a single tiny breath escaped from her lungs.
First I was happy. The thing was finally done. Then I was sad. I’d murdered someone. Then I was happy. My plan had worked! Then I was sad. I would have to pay rent on the library all alone. I cycled back and forth between the two emotions for a while longer before I got back in the airship and went back to Ponyville.
When I got there, pink fluffy clouds were showering the town with brown rain.
“Cotton candy clouds!” shouted Rainbow. “I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s chocolate rain!”
“Some stay dry while others feel the pain,” I mused. “What’s causing it?”
“I have no idea!” Working with the other four ponies, we got everything sorted out. Rarity looked somewhat sad to see the sun come back, although I think I’m the only one who noticed.
Spike burped out a letter. “The Princesss wants us to come to Canterlot. She has an important message.”
“Let’s go!” said Applejack. She looked around. “Hey, where’s Twilight?”
“The Forest.”
“What’s she doing there?” asked Rainbow.
I shrugged. “Biodegrading?”
“We don’t have time for this!” said Applejack. “I’m sure she’ll notice what's going on eventually and come a' runnin’.”
Spike, the five ponies, and I got into the airship and sped off for Canterlot. When we arrived, Celestia was not in a good mood.
“Follow me,” she ordered simply.
We trooped after her as she spoke. “I've called you here for a matter of great importance. It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. His name is Discord.”
Fluttershy made a small squeaky noise. Celestia continued. “Discord is the mischievous spirit of disharmony. Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness. Luna and I saw how miserable life was for earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike, so after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we combined our powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone.”
“So let’s kick his ass,” I said.
Celestia looked at the group of us. “That will be very difficult. Without the Elements of Harmony, I don’t know how we can do that.”
“We have to find Twilight!” said Rarity.
“Too late now,” I said quickly. “We’ll just have to make do. She was the Element of Magic, right? How about it Celestia, you’ve got magic, right? Maybe we don’t need Twilight at all.”
She nodded. “If I must.” She turned and opened the box where the Elements of Harmony were contained.
Or were supposed to be, anyway.
“Where are they?” cried Celestia. “This doesn’t make sense!”
“What’s the fun in making sense?” I looked around. “That’s weird. It’s almost like there was an echo in here.”
“That was me,” said a voice. “And I must complement you on your not-making-sense skills, Mr. Valiant.”
A…thing came into the room. He resembled a Frankenstein-esque creature with parts from a bunch of sources.
“Damn you’re ugly,” I said.
He laughed. “No, I’m Discord.” He turned. “Did you miss me, Celestia? I missed you. It's quite lonely being encased in stone.”
“Enough! Where are the Elements of Harmony?”
“Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really? Fine, I'll tell you, but I'll only tell you my way. To retrieve your missing Elements just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began.”
“Do you think he meant the palace labyrinth?” I asked. There was a maze of hedges planted out back. None of the ponies offered a better idea, so we went.
“W-we have to go in there?” whimpered Fluttershy.
“Nope!” said Rainbow. “Dopey Discord forgot about wings! I'll just do a quick flyover and we'll have the Elements in no time.” She took off but promptly crashed, wings suddenly missing.
All of them were suddenly earth ponies, well, except for Applejack and Pinkie. They all went through various shocked reactions.
“Give us our wings and horns back!” shouted Celestia.
“You'll get them back in good time. I simply took them to ensure there's no cheating. You see, this is the first rule of our game: no flying, and no magic.”
“The first rule?” questioned Rainbow.
“The second rule is everypony has to play or the game is over, and I win. Good luck!” Discord giggled.
I giggled too. The absurdity of the situation was getting to me.
“Valiant, what are you doing?”
“Haven’t you always wanted a little chaos?” I said. “Just something to break the monotony?”
The ponies gaped at me. “I’m going to sit right here,” I said, “and have a talk with Discord.” I walked over to a couch where he sat with a bag of popcorn. He made room for me.
“Well, it’s certainly nice to see a pony with a sense of disharmony,” he said. The other ponies ran off into the maze of hedges.
I shrugged. “I’m just chaotic neutral.”
“Ah, I fall more towards chaotic evil myself. I just can’t help it, it’s so entertaining!”
He pulled up a TV and we watched Rainbow running through the labyrinth without wings. I thought it was hilarious.
“Wait,” I said. “Where did you even get a television? Those don’t exist in Equestria.”
“What, I can’t draw ideas out of your head? I simply love picking human brains.”
“You know I’m not really a pony?”
“My dear boy, this is the most fun I’ve had in ages, and I’m not going to let a technicality of the laws of the universe spoil it. Speaking of…” he checked a watch that appeared to be running backwards “…the game is up.” The labyrinth suddenly disappeared and all the ponies that had gone in were suddenly right back in front of us.
“What happened?” asked a dazed Celestia.
“The game has ended. Somepony broke a rule.”
“What? Who?”
“Valiant here. I said that everypony had to play, and he didn’t.”
“How could you?” shrieked Rarity. I noticed that she was carrying a huge rock.
“That’s totally not cool,” said Pinkie, sulking.
“Valiant, you moron!” shouted Fluttershy.
“I still like him,” said Applejack.
“Actually,” I said, “I’m not a pony. You said everypony had to play.”
“Oooh, fair point,” said Discord. “That’s it, the game’s back on!”
“I can’t stand it anymore!” said Rainbow. Her wings reappeared and she flew away.
“Well, that didn’t take long,” I muttered.
“I’d like to thank you all for coming out today,” said Discord. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go mess with things. Mess with ‘em good.” He disappeared and the landscape around us began to get weirder by the second.
“ ‘Find the Elements back where you began’,” muttered Celestia. “Well, all of you came from Ponyville. Let’s try there.”
There was clearly something wrong with the other ponies. It’s like they were the opposite of usual. Applejack lied, Rarity was grabby, Pinkie was sullen, Fluttershy was mean, and Rainbow didn’t give a flap.
I couldn’t tell whether I had been affected or not. I didn’t know if I would notice. Then I saw what had happened to the airship and knew that there was nothing wrong with me.
It was pink and had been renamed Frou-Frou Wiggly Good Times. Despite sounding like a badly-translated advertisement for Swedish sex toys, that was the moment that I decided that Discord was going to die.
We piled into the airship and I got the engine running. It made the cutest little puttering noise. Almost made me sick. Luckily, we were able to get back to Ponyville without any further incidents.
The citizenry was in a panic when we got there. The roads had turned into soap and all the buildings looked like Salvador Dali had a hand in the design. The sun and moon took turns bouncing up and down in the sky.
The library was still standing, somehow. We all went inside. Rarity was still lugging around the boulder and appeared to have named it Tom. I shrugged it off. We had a job to do.
“I definitely sense the Elements around here somewhere,” said Celestia. She concentrated and a book rose out of the stack.
Spike appeared. “Where’s Twilight? And what’s going on!”
“Ever heard of Discord?” I asked.
“No.”
“Go look out the window. That’s his work.”
Meanwhile, Fluttershy was busy breaking things in the library. Applejack continued to spin untruths. Rarity jealously guarded her stupid rock. Pinkie watched, not having fun.
“This is the book we need,” said Celestia. It was a reference guide to the Elements of Harmony. Fluttershy grabbed it. “Keep away!”
I hoofed her in the face. She fell on the floor, making whimpering noises that were more like her usual. “Sorry, but you’ll thank me later.”
Celestia popped open the book, and sure enough there were the Elements of Harmony inside. I'd always wanted a book that was hollow to keep stuff covertly.
“Great!” said Spike, considerably happier than earlier. “But we still don’t know where Twilight or Rainbow are.”
It was a problem. Celestia could take over for Twilight, but we still needed an Element of Loyalty.
“Well,” I said, “you’re pretty loyal, aren’t you Spike? I mean, it’s a forced loyalty since you’re basically Twilight’s indentured servant, but that should count, right?” I passed him one of the necklaces.
“I don’t know about this.”
“Well, we don’t have a better plan. Get your war face on, you’re going to need it.”
Celestia took off her crown to put on the Element of Magic tiara. “Here Valiant, hold this.” I slapped on the gold crown. It was surprisingly heavy.
The other ponies did not seem terribly happy to be required to do stuff to save their country, but between Celestia’s cool, calm words and my threats of violence, we got them outside for a showdown.
“Well, well, well,” said Discord. “I see you've found the Elements of Harmony. How terrifying!” He did not actually seem terrified.
“Valiant, could you please prepare everypony?” Celestia asked.
I saluted. “Yes, ma’am. All right all of you shit-poor excuses for ponies, form up! I don’t want to see a single one of you out of line, not even you, Tom! Rarity, you’re responsible for him, too!”
I inhaled for another round of shouting. “I don’t care what any of you think! You will stand here beside us and you will do your duty under threat of death! That’s right, you aren’t fighting for your morals here, you’re fighting because it’s in your best interest! Forget about the rest of us, just do your own thing! Don’t make us proud!”
Celestia cocked an eyebrow at me, but said nothing. I continued with my drill sergeant attitude.
“Oh, Fluttershy, is that bloody nose hurting? Are you looking for some kindness? Suck it up! Applejack, do you always lie?”
“Erm, yes I always lie. Ah mean, wait, what?”
“I’m asking the questions here! Get your sorry flank back in line!” I marched up to Pinkie.
“You’d better not laugh, Pinks.” I went nose to nose with her. “Don’t…laugh.”
She shifted uncomfortably. “That’s what I thought,” I said. I looked at Rarity. “Feeling generous? How about no? I swear, if you give me anything, I’m going to buck your ass all the way back to Canterlot.”
I turned back to Celestia, standing tall. “Chaos Corps ready, ma’am.”
“I…don’t even know what I just saw,” said Discord. “I mean, I was expecting disharmony, sure, but a united front of it? What is this, I don’t even…”
He shook his head. “Never mind, I know how to deal with this. It hurts me to do it, but I’ll introduce a little calming influence to the situation. Hey, Twilight!”
The purple pony came trotting up. “Oh, hi, everypony!”
“Wait,” I said. “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
“Silly, she’s the main character!” said Discord. “She can’t die!”
Celestia looked at me. “We could use Twilight to restore the other ponies and get the Elements of Harmony working correctly.”
“Screw that,” I said. “We’re living in the here and now.”
Celestia nodded and turned to face Discord. “For teh lulz,” she said.
“Dem lulz,” I agreed.
Her horn began to glow, but stopped abruptly. “Something’s wrong! We don’t have the right Elements!”
“What do you mean?”
“One of the Element bearers isn’t right! We can’t do this!”
I quickly scanned the group. They were still quivering in fear from my speech. “I’ve got it!” I grabbed the Element of Loyalty from around Spike’s neck and placed it on Tom Rock.
Celestia looked surprised. “That works.”
I shrugged. “What’s more loyal than a rock? You always know that a boulder will be there for you.”
The Princess turned back to face Discord. “And now, back to stone with you!” She blasted him with a grey, ugly rainbow. He shrieked and turned into a statue with a horrified look on its face.
“What just happened?” asked Twilight.
“You were dead for a while, then an ancient evil broke loose, but we corrupted the Elements of Harmony and managed to defeat it without you.”
Celestia nodded. “I guess we really don’t need Twilight. You were right, Valiant.”
I heard a groan behind us. The other element bearers had been knocked out in the burst of magic and were just now waking up. They all seemed to be back to normal, except for Tom who still looked exactly like a rock.
The town around us had been turned back to normal. I handed Celestia back her crown and we gathered up the Elements of Harmony to lock them away again. The Princess flew them back to Canterlot.
“Ah’m sorry about all that,” said Applejack. “Ah couldn’t help it.”
“It’s okay,” said Fluttershy. “We were all affected.” Applejack helped her bandage her face.
“I’m dreadfully sorry, my dear,” said Rarity to Tom. “Let us never speak of this again.” The rock did not reply and seemed content to sit in the middle of the street where he had been dropped.
“I know!” said Pinkie. “Let’s have a party!”
“Hey guys, what did I miss?” asked Rainbow, coming down from the clouds.
All of us glared at her. “Sorry,” she said meekly.
“Well, that was weird,” said Spike. “Twilight, what did it mean when Valiant said that you were dead for a while?”
“I’m not really sure. Let’s ask him”
“Um, Discord mentioned that you were the main character and you can’t die. So…I guess you’re immortal?” I said, neatly deflecting the question.
She thought for a moment. “I guess I’m okay with that, but what did he mean about being a character?”
I sighed. “If you’re the main character, maybe this is actually your dream.”
“I—I don’t believe this," she said, shocked. "Listen Valiant, why don’t we talk about this later?” She walked off towards the library, shaking her head.
“Well, it’s all over now,” said Applejack. “Ah hate to say this, but ah’m actually going to miss bein’ able to lie once in a while.”
“I know, right?” said Pinkie. “I miss Discord. Do you know how hard it is to keep this happy for so long without drugs?”
“Same thing with kindness,” said Fluttershy. “If that’s okay…”
“Do you know how cool it was to just chill for a while?” asked Rainbow. “No duties, no worries.”
“Screw you all,” I said. “You’re terrible friends.”
They all looked sorry and said so. The four of them went off to plan the party, leaving me with Rarity.
“Back in Canterlot when Discord took our wings and horns, he also took my, ah, condition,” she said. “I was hoping that we might work out some kind of deal with him.”
“I read up on vampirism,” I said. “We just have to kill Prince Blueblood and you’ll be back to normal.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Well, maybe we should practice up. Then it will be."
“Are you suggesting that we become vampire hunters?”
“Yes, because that has the side effect of us becoming awesome.”
“I don’t know…”
“You want to keep eating woodland creatures? Be my guest.” I turned away, heading for the airship.
Discord had been turned into stone. He wasn’t a threat—temporarily. The way magic worked, some stupid pony would probably find a way to release him again. I was going to do something about that.
After the airship had been corrupted, I no longer wanted to look at it again, even after things were back to normal. I felt that Dirty Hooker Took My Money should die just the way it had lived: doing things that were crazy and dangerous.
Once airborne, I headed back to Canterlot and made a few circles around the city, judging the wind and calculating my angles. The Discord statue had been transported to the Royal Garden roughly where it had been before. I got the airship lined up on an attack profile. Just before I jumped out into the top of a nearby tree, I hit the rocket button.
I scrambled down out of the branches and landed on the ground as the hydrogen-filled airship shot towards the target. I just barely had time to put my sunglasses on and turn around.
There was a massive explosion behind me as I walked away.