Green Isn’t Your Color Colour
Guest written by CassandraMyOCisBestpony
“Terribly sorry I’m late for our weekly get together at Lameington Spa,” said Rarity.
“Oh no please, the fault is mine for making you feel pressured to rush. Was the Tube running slow today?”
“Aye, but that goes without saying. The other reason for my tardiness was that I ran into Foto Fräulein, the world famous photographer, all the way from Stirrup!”
“I thought we were from Stirrup.”
“No no mate, Continental Stirrup. Germaney, to be precise.”
“I ‘ope you were able to appease ‘er.”
“Even better, I got ‘er to come have a look at my clothes!”
“Crikey, that’s a good job! Wot do the birds in Germaney fancy? Polka dots?”
“Course not, you nobhead! By the by, I need you to be my model.”
“Oh my, I don’t know…”
“Oh but you must, this is my only chance to get my clothes into Hayrod’s! Hayrod's! Why I want this more than a Countdown Teapot!”
“Well, if it means that much to you, go on then.”
The duo went to Rarity’s, along with Twilight, Pinkie and Simon.
“I was revising for my A-levels when I heard the news. Foto Fräulein?” gushed Twilight, “That’s the mutt’s nuts!”
“Yes yes,” said Rarity dismissively. “Wingardium Leviosa.” she said to a pile of red poppy pins, but they didn’t move a millimetre.
“Remember, swish and flick,” said Twilight helpfully. “Wingardium Leviosa.”
“Ta Twilight, Now Fluttershy, please hold still.” She adorned Fluttershy’s polka-dot dress with the red poppies. “I am just Little Miss Pernickety today because everything must be perfect.”
Simon took Twilight and Pinkie aside, “I ‘ave a secret, and you mustn’t tell a soul.”
“Oxtail, honeysuckle, glens of green, I swear on my allegiance to the Queen!” recited Pinkie. “That is what I call a Pinkie Treaty, and I would sooner ‘ave a punch-up with Sir Killalot than break it.”
They leaned in really close, and Simon lowered his voice to a whisper, “Rarity is fiiiiiit, and I’d fancy a snog with ‘er.”
“Hang on a tick,” said Twilight, “that’s bloomin’ obvious, innit? 10:1 against she ‘asn’t figured it out ‘erself.”
“The Queen” pointed out Pinkie Pie. Twilight couldn’t argue with that.
At exactly 1.00.00 PM, Foto Fräulein arrived at the Boutique. As the lowest-borne in the room, Pinkie stood at the door and announced, “Presenting, Foto Fräulein!”
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Foto and might I-”
“Ve have 47 seconds und counting. Vere is ze model?”
Foto’s entourage of pansexual mute stallions in leotards set up her camera. Fluttershy posed and smiled.
“Nein! No smile!” She smacked the table with her riding crop.
“Sor-”
“Nein! No talk!” she smacked the table again. Fluttershy cowered.
“Ja, ja, ja! Ze Schadenfreude! Wunderbar!” After 47 seconds had elapsed, she packed up and left.
“May I inquire as to what you thought of my clothes?” asked Rarity.
“I liked zem as much as I like marmite,” she scoffed.
After her entourage shooed all the pigeons and squirrels away, Foto Fräulein conducted another photoshoot in the park.
“I thought for this one we could…” began Rarity.
“I hated your clothes! Did I not make zat clear?”
“Actually-”
“No matter!” She hastily dressed Fluttershy in an Oktoberfest dirndl. “Flutterscheu, I vill make you ze biggest thing since David Hasselhoof!”
Before long, Fluttershy’s face was plastered all over advertisments of every kind. The adverts were on the sides of double-decker buses, on hoardings, and, of course, on the telly. Consequentially, Applejack’s apple lager sales were jolly good, but Rarity was minging because she was jealous of Fluttershy’s success. Worse still, the EBC, the one place where she was safe from the ads, was showing a 24-hour “Little Equestria” marathon.
“Sometimes I wonder why I even purchased that ruddy television license,” fumed Rarity.
“Woe is me!” lamented Rarity. “Do you not see, Twilight? I’ve wanted to be a fashion designer since I was in grammar school! Fluttershy’s gone and nicked my opportunity! This is pants!”
Twilight gasped, “Rarity! Language!”
“I apologise. But please, keep my jealousy under lock and key.”
“The Queen, Twilight,” pointed out Pinkie Pie.
“Righto, my silence it is.” Rarity sulked away to drown her sorrows in chip butty & sausage. Fluttershy entered just as she left.
“Wotcher Twilight. The Underground was running behind shedule; is Rarity gone?”
“Aye, she left just a centiminute ago.”
“Blimey, that was close. I didn’t want to see ‘er on account of I might let it slip that I don’t want to be a model...don’t tell ‘er that.”
“For the Queen, I shan’t.”
“Thanks Twilight, you’re a pussy.”
Foto Fräulein burst in through the door, “Achtung, Flutterscheu! It is time for ze fashion show!”
“Not to worry, Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “I have a cunning plan. What is the most repulsive thing you can think of?”
“An Amareican, obviously.”
“Obviously. I figger if you repulse them enough, Foto will give you your P45, you won’t have to ‘urt Rarity’s feelings, and Bob’s your uncle!”
“Why that’s more cunning than a weasel in sixth-form cunning lessons!” Fluttershy went out on stage and began to speak in her best Amareican accent.
“Howdy partner, remember when we defeated you in a war 200 years ago?” The crowd gasped. “One flight of stairs? Why I can’t count that high; I’ll take the lift! Oh no, I’m having a coronary! I’ll have to sell my house to pay for the bypass!”
“That’s rubbish!” yelled a noble.
“Go back to Covent Garden!” yelled an MP.
“You’re fired!” declared Sir Alan Sugarcube.
It wasn’t his decision to make, but Foto Fräulein did sack her, and Fluttershy got the horseshoe, as well as a cushy redundancy package that left her set for life.
Unable to keep her mouth shut any longer, Twilight cried, “Simon wants to shag Rarity!”
“OI!” exclaimed Simon.
“Dear Queen Celestia the Second,
Today I learned just how dangerous secrets can be. Secrets lead to deceit, deceit leads to crime, and crime leads to chaos. If we let ponies keep secrets, we may have to issue firearms to the bobbies just to keep order! Privacy is overrated. I say ‘if you’ve nothing to hide, you’ve nothing to fear.’ Later today, the council will be voting on a bill to install cameras at all zebra crossings to catch litterers and jaywalkers. I humbly ask for your endorsement on this measure.
Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.”