Well, looking at everything that has happened over the past six years or so, I have a theory that I have bad days in twelve hour periods. My bad day starts when the sun goes up, and is not allowed to stop until the sun goes down. Given that Celestia has not yet lowered the sun, my wretched day is not allowed to be over yet. Sure I've already had to fight an army of myself after getting knocked out with my own staff (and I know Redheart is going to want to check me for any concussion symptoms after that) but now something has caused the clouds to turn into cotton candy, and whatever it is has taken a vested interest in me.
Wonderful. Simply amazing, if you think about it. Why doesn't this happen to me every day? I mean, why not?
I feel myself land on what I expect to be solid ground, but what instead feels like... gumballs? I crack one eye open and find that I am resting on an entire mountainside made entirely of gumballs. I open my other eye and sit up to see what the heck is going on. I assume that I was transported here by whomever decided that an army of mes wasn't quite enough for one day, but I don't see him or her or it around anywhere. I'm not foolish enough to assume that means that I can just head out and escape. The mountain made of gumballs would make that a challenge, even if I wasn't theoretically being stalked by some being of untold power.
Well, no sense in wasting the day about it. I assume that I have another fight ahead of me. I shakily push myself to my feet and grasp Reginald, waiting for whatever brought me here to show itself so we can fight. I don't have to wait long for the show to get going, as I hear a mocking voice all around me.
"Well, well, you are the most interesting specimen. I think even someone like myself could learn a lot from you."
I wheel around, Reginald at the ready, but the uneven footing of gumballs means that I stumble slightly. I do not fall, so I don't make a fool of myself. "Where are you?!" I call out. "Show yourself!"
The disembodied voice laughs uproariously and not a little mockingly either. "So full of spunk. So full of spirit! I think I'll make you my personal court jester when I take over Equestria again."
I spin around, swinging Reginald as I think that I hear the voice coming from behind me, but I hit nothing but air. This is just going to get worse, isn't it?
"Ooh, temperamental, I see." A flash of light appears behind me, and I whirl around to see what appears to be a tree made of balloons that has just appeared out of nowhere. "It's really going to get you into serious trouble one of these days. If nothing else it will make you go prematurely gray, something I don't think would look quite so good on you."
"You know, it's been a while since I've had any meat," I growl. "Why don't you come out so I can catch the chicken who prefers to taunt me from the shadows?"
"Chicken?" The voice lets out a loud caw of a laugh that I have no problem admitting really grates on me. When I get my hands on whoever is doing this... "Chicken, you say? Oh, my dear fellow, is that really the limit of your imagination?"
With one more flash my tormentor appears, reclining on one of the branches of the balloon tree like he hasn't a single care in the world. He has the body of various different animals, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out who this guy is. Even if my roommate wasn't a brony who I'm pretty sure had a figurine of this guy around somewhere (I'm not sure, it's been a few years) I could tell who he is. My angry glare fades away and a small smirk appears on my face.
"So, we meet face-to-face at last. The human Celestia brought into this world versus the Equestrian bird doo receptacle. I gotta say, I don't favor your odds."
That gets rid of his smug demeanor. Mr. Formerly-A-Statue sits up in the tree and pushes up a pair of large, bulky sunglasses he has been wearing to get a better look at me. He gives me a slight glare. "I'm still convinced they're aiming for me. You try to make them miss when you can't move."
I make a show of shrugging. "Eh, but I don't have to wonder what that's like." I snort and begin twirling Reginald around. "I wasn't defeated by a buncha shiny necklaces. In fact, I haven't been defeated at all."
No need to tell him all the times I have been, of course.
Discord raises an eyebrow at me. "I take it you feel that you don't need to tell me all the times you have been defeated?"
My smug smile fades and is replaced with a small frown. "Of course," I grumble. I shake my head and wave my hand. "Whatever. It's not important. What is important is that you back off and leave me alone!" I grasp Reginald in both hands and get in a fighting stance. "I've dealt with too much today to have to add a mad chaos god to my plate too. You wanna go screw with somepony, fine. Go fight Twilight and her element buddies." My small smirk returns. "Heck, why not them, Celestia, and Luna? If you're so powerful then it should be no problem, right?"
"Flippant, how charming." Discord gives an exaggerated yawn. "But it really won't help you out here." Discord leans back in the tree and idly plucks one of the balloon branches off of the balloon tree. "So just what exactly is your plan, hmm? Are you going to strike me, or something? Are you going to hit a god?"
I snort and my smirk widens. "Actually, yes. It's kind of what I do. I've punched Celestia in the face twice and I beat the queen of the Changelings to death."
"Chrysalis is hardly what I'd call a god," Discord deadpans, "but it's unimportant. You say you've struck Celestia twice?" He turns his attention back to me, his eyebrow raised again. "You make a habit of striking those who can obliterate you without a thought?"
"Well, whaddya gonna do?" I relax my fighting stance ever so slightly. "Obviously it's not too big of a deal if I'm still here, right?"
"Well if not, then you should have no trouble blocking this."
Before I can do anything, Discord lobs the balloon he's been idly batting up and down in the air at me. Now, college student TD would have just dumbly stood there, but twenty-seven year old TD has reflexes a little better than what I had when I first came here. I leap backwards a few inches until I'm sure the balloon will miss me, then swing out at it with Reginald. Of course, I expect it to go flying back into Discord, or at least towards him, but to my utter surprise, the balloon literally screeches to a halt in midair, meaning my swing goes way over it. I'm thrown off balance for a second, but that second is all the balloon needs. It begins its assault in my direction again, and this time it's too fast for me to block it. It collides with my head and I discover rather quickly what it's filled with.
Paint.
I'm knocked off of my feet and I hit the gumball ground, barely holding onto Reginald as I try to spit out the stray flecks of paint that got into my mouth. I hear Discord's cawing laugh and I wipe my eyes in time to see him doing figure eights with his body in front of me.
"You should have seen the look on your face! Absolutely priceless!" Discord continues guffawing and out of nowhere he pulls out what looks like a Polaroid photograph. "In fact, why don't you see it? It's too rich!" He flips the photo in my direction, but I extend my hand to block the view. I don't really care to see what I look like the moment I get hit by a paint balloon... again. I already know what I look like when that happens. It's called senior prank day in high school.
Shut up. I didn't throw that many.
Comparatively.
Whatever, I'm matching wits with a chaos god. A chaos god who seems to realize that I won't look at the photograph. He's put it away by now, but his smug smile remains. I give him my best glare. It's freaking pink paint. Bright pink paint. What's more it has a rather... strong aroma to it. You ever opened up a paint can and deeply inhaled? That's all I'm getting right now. Paint fumes.
And boy is it making me a little loopy.
I try to maintain my glare, but it's a little difficult when your left eye keeps sliding in and out of focus every few seconds and your mouth is twitching. I let out a low groan and try to wipe the area around my nose clean.
"Whasdddaddiss..." I hiccup. "Whatddis this ssshhtuff?"
Discord giggles and does a midair backflip. "Why, it's paint, of course! Not just any paint..." Discord snaps his paw and the daylight shifts immediately to nighttime. I barely have enough presence of mind to register that I'm... glowing. "It's pink glow-in-the-dark paint!"
And it's making me high as all else.
"Gbrmgh." I slowly raise my changeling arm. It feels like it's made of solid iron, but I can't help but raise it and stare at it. I change my arm from human to pony, then to changeling, then back to pony. Finally I look over at Discord and give him a grin that would make the Cheshire Cat jealous. With one more burst of my changeling magic, I turn my arm to perfectly mimic the one of his eagle claw.
That really gets his attention. Discord frowns at me and floats over to me. "Now now, TD, there are manners to be observed. My eagle claw is my own."
I giggle and begin snapping the talons of the claw like I've seen him do so many times. I point to his hoof. "Lookie! Your hoofsie is a boat! Now it's a rattlesnake! Now it's a Peter Piper Picked a Pack of Pickled P-P-Puh-Puh..." I raise both arms to the heavens and give a loud shout. "JALAPENOS! PETER PIPER IS A MEXICANO!"
I'd regret this. I'd really, really regret all of this. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop. It's the paint. I swear it's the paint. I'm high as a kite; I'd never say this kind of stuff otherwise.
I'd just think it.
I'd think just it.
It just think I'd
Just... uh... thinkie dink.
Mexicano. Yes, Peter Piper is that. I shoot to my feet and begin twirling Reginald like a baton and doing the Can-Can. Discord looks suspiciously like a pinata all of a sudden.
"¡Dale, dale, dale. No pierdas el tino! Porque si lo pierdes ¡Pierdes el camino!"
With that, I swing Reginald at Discord's head as hard as I can.
* * * *
"Ah ain't never seen nothin' like it; not even from Pinkie Pie."
"A most bizarre display indeed."
"Do you think he's really sick? Do you think that whatever did that to him permanently hurt him?"
"Fear not, dear Fluttershy. Discord's magic does not have any permanent affects. It's easier for him to work his will that way." I hear Celestia lightly chuckle. "Though I must say, that was a most unusual display."
I let out a small groan and realize that my eyes are closed. I do a quick mental check and I don't seem to want to unhinge Canterlot from the mountain for the sake of making the mountain into a Mount Rushmore knockoff featuring myself, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Leslie Nielsen, and Keyser Soze.
Well, not currently, anyways.
Some days are just like that, even without the hallucinogenic paint. I slowly open my eyes to see that I'm back in Manderley with both princesses, the Mane Six, Oswald, and Cheerilee looking worriedly at me.
So given how small my house is, everybody is pretty cramped. They don't seem to care, though. I think they're all just concerned that I'm okay. I shake my head to clear it and sit up on my bed.
"What happened?" I groan. "How long have I been out?"
"Only a day," Celestia assures me. "You have no more ill effects from Discord's magic."
"Ah... that." Despite myself, I can't help but blush. Oswald is giggling, so I know whatever I said had to be embarrassing. "I don't want to know what I did, do I?"
"You didn't do too much, TD. I decided to put a sleeping spell on you to both counteract the effects of the spell and prevent you from embarrassing yourself further."
Well that's good at least. Still, I don't miss the twinkle in Celestia's eye, nor the way that her serene smile has turned mischievous. She has a thought, and she can't help herself.
"However, I must say that in time you were awake you said the most unusual things." She exchanges a grin with Luna. "I think the best one was when you looked at me and said 'I'm not racist or anything, but you shouldn't be all black. Only New Zealanders should be all black."
I groan loudly and throw my covers over my head while the gathered ponies have a small laugh at my expense. I want to curl up and disappear. "It was the paint fumes!" I wail. "It was the magic paint fumes, I swear!"
"I know that, TD." A magical aura engulfs my comforter and it is rolled back, exposing my head to the gathered ponies again. I shoot Celestia a small glare that she is completely unfazed by. "The effects are gone and you are in control of your mental facilities once more. Discord cannot harm you."
My glare fades and is replaced with a curious look. I look over to the Mane Six and see that they are wearing their Elements. "Speaking of that, what happened to him? I take it he's not ruling Equestria and this is, ironically, the last bastion of sanity left on the planet?"
Celestia lightly chuckles and shakes her head. "No, TD. I followed the magical trail he left when he took you. I took the Elements there and we sealed him back into stone." There's that twinkle in her eye again. "I must say, TD, you made quite the perfect distraction."
I sigh and rub my temples. "I'll bet I did." I glance over at Celestia and Luna. "Tell me I at least connected with his skull when I swung Reginald at him."
Celestia waves her hoof. "We'll discuss all of the details of what happened on the mountain later, TD. Right now there is an important task I have for all of you."
I raise my eyebrow and sit up off of the bed. "I'm listening."
"It's best if I just show you, TD, though the others are aware of the starting point," Celestia says.
I grab Reginald, which is leaning against my bedside table, and get to my feet. Oswald lands on my shoulder and affectionately nuzzles the top of my head. I smile at him and wait for all of the ponies to file out of Manderley before exiting my home. Outside is something that is truly a sight to behold. It's Discord, and he's back in his statue form. Instead of the terrified expression that he had on his face last time, he appears to be rubbing his chin with a perplexed expression on his face. Almost as if he's seeing something that he can't quite understand.
Sigh. No prizes for guessing what that was.
I walk up to Discord and tap his eagle claw with Reginald. Yep, he's definitely in stone. I look back at Celestia. "Okay, so what are we going to do with him? I know you, and I know that dismantling him isn't what you have in mind."
Celestia chuckles and shakes her head. "Indeed it is not. I have something far greater in mind for Discord, TD." Celestia walks up to Discord and puts a hoof on the statue. "I believe that if the right approach is taken, Discord may be reformed, and his powers may be used for good."
"WHAT?!"
Yeah, that wasn't just me that shouted that, but everybody outside of my house except for Luna who seems rather uneasy about the whole thing. She walks up next to Celestia and gives the statue an unsure look. "Art thou sure of this, Celestia? What if he is unreceptive to their efforts?"
"Then we seal him in stone once more," Celestia replies evenly, "but I do not think that will be the case. She turns to the gathered group, and I can see that I'm not the only one who thinks that she's lost her mind. "Can I count on you to help me reform Discord?"
I blink once and look between the statue and Celestia. I lightly scoff and shake my head. "Celestia, you've officially gone mad. I think I punched you too many times and it's scrambled your brains." I ball my fist. "Maybe one more would fix things, hmm?"
Celestia smiles serenely at me and lightly chuckles yet again in a way that only she can. "TD, I assure you that I do not need to be struck by you for a third time to have full access to my mental capabilities, but I thank you for your concern for my well-being."
With that, she ignites her horn, tears Reginald out of my hand, and bops me over the head with it.
Not hard enough to hurt a lot, obviously, but it stings a little. Of course, seeing me attacked has Oswald in an uproar, and he screeches at Celestia and ignites his wings, flying into her face and spreading his feathery appendages to their full extent. Rather than be fazed by this, Celestia continues smiling serenely.
"I'm sorry, dear Oswald, but I think that even TD would admit that that has been a long time coming."
"I'll admit that that's been a long time coming," Twilight grumbles.
I rub the spot where she had hit me and glare at her. I snatch Reginald out of the air and pull it away from Celestia, grumbling unflattering things about her personal hygiene and intelligence. Celestia doesn't really seem to mind, though, and Oswald lands back on my shoulder after hissing at Celestia one more time.
Good phoenix, Oswald.
Celestia decides to ignore me for the moment and turns back to Twilight. "Now, can I trust you to do all in your power to reform Discord? I feel that he can do much good if he were to be brought to the side of good."
Twilight looks just as uneasy as I feel, but if I know her, I know she would never resist a test from Celestia. She's going to give this her all, and somehow I'm going to get roped into it too. I glance down at Cheerilee who is looking longingly at a bar across the street. Right there with her on that one. Maybe if we get a few seconds we can sneak there for a drink.
I lean down next to her. "You know you don't have to be here. Nothing ties you to them in the "Element of Harmony, saving Equestria" thing."
"You'd think that," Cheerilee grumbles, "but Princess Celestia specifically requested that I be here. I suppose it's because of how I fought in the Battle of Canterlot."
I raise an eyebrow. "Is that what they're calling it now?"
Cheerilee sighs. "Yes, and I'd imagine that's why Princess Celestia isn't going to help reform Discord. She's needed in Canterlot to repair the damage the... er... yous made."
"Charming." I grimace and look over to Celestia who is nodding. Her body language tells me that she's on her way out of here. Maybe I can trip her up with Reginald as she's walking away...
Eh, I'll get better chances to get back at her. For now we have to deal with Discord. Celestia spreads her wings and addresses us all. "I know that this seems like a challenge, but I believe that you can do it. Good luck to all of you, my little ponies... and TD."
I snort and cross my arms as I watch the two princesses walk away. As I watch the two of them step onto their chariot, a sinking feeling appears in my stomach and my smile fades. I watch the Mane Six circle around the Discord statue. They're about to release him. Cheerilee and I exchange a look, and I can tell that we're thinking the same thing: let's get some cover.