Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 35: “Ins with the endo.”
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I yawned and stretched. “So, now that I've almost died and been in what basically amounts to a coma for a week, what do we do?”
Joel shrugged. “Talk the princesses, get our stuff back, and go shoot something.”
“Sounds good to me.” I started walking. “So you haven't managed to talk to Celestia about this bs?”
“I did, and I also managed to stop her from hating you so much. But I've been a bit busy trying not to let you die.”
I laughed. “Fair enough.”
We reached Luna's room after a few more minutes of walking through empty hallways. Joel stopped me just before rounding the corner. “Wait, what about the guards?”
I shrugged. “Fuck it, I never did like the stealthy approach anyway.”
“What about the whole Honored thing?”
“I'll deal with it as I come to it, like always.”
“And almost die, like always.”
“Probably. But the key word is almost.”
“Go for it then. I'm not the one who's going to get stabbed.”
I strode out confidently and saluted the guards. “Good morning.”
They saluted back after a moment of surprise. “Honored Service sir.”
Wait what? “Yeah, sure. That's me. I'm here to see Luna.”
“Yes sir.” One stepped to the door and knocked. “Honored Service here to see you princess.”
The door was instantly flung open, almost knocking the poor guard to the ground. Princess Luna's grinning face beamed out at me.“Honored!”
I waved awkwardly. “Hi.”
Her grin slowly dissolved. “Edward?”
I shrugged. “Yeah. By the way, is there anything I should know about? Especially concerning a certain flame haired human?”
She instantly reddened. “What? I- You-”
I rolled my eyes. “Relax. I already know about that, remember?”
“Princess?” One of the guards was eyeing me cautiously. “Doesn't Honored Service have a red, orange and yellow mane?”
I laughed. “Yep. You certainly assume a lot.”
“Then who-”
Joel jumped in, completely out of nowhere. “This is Wards, professional assassin, mercenary and and things!”
The guard stepped back.“What in Luna's a-”
I shoved Joel away. “And this is Joel. Professional prick.”
He grinned. “Just cause I have a sex life.”
“Fuck off. I just haven't found the right woman.”
He laughed.“Well good luck with that here.”
“I hate you to an immeasurable degree.”
“Love you too.”
I groaned. “Do we have to do this every time we meet someone new?”
He gave me a shit-eating grin. “Yep.”
“Kill me now.”
“I would if I had my AWP.” Joel replied, raising an eyebrow at Luna.
“Oh yeah, that's why we came here in the first place.”
“What in Tartarus is happening?” Luna asked, as confused as her guards.
“Well, we wanted to go get our weapons back. So we came here. Also, I wanted to say hello after being semi dead for a week.”
“My sister is the one who holds your weapons.”
I sighed. “Yeah, and she hates my guts, which really sucks, since she was my second favorite. So I decided to see you first, because I like you more and because having you on my side might help. Also, your room is cool.”
Joel elbowed me in the side. “Not the most subtle are you?”
I shrugged. “Probably why I'm still a virgin. But it's gotten me through life so far.”
Luna blinked. “Okay. I'll come with you then. But let me just do something first.” She shut the door.
I looked at the guards. “Erm, hi.”
“I assume you are not Honored Service then?”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you here?”
I considered that. “A flashbang I guess. Besides that, no fucking clue.”
“What's a flashbang?”
I shrugged. “Doesn't matter.” After a short pause, I asked, “When you said 'By Luna's a-', what was the entire phrase?”
The guard frowned. “I'm not sure we should be discussing that.”
The door opened and Luna poked her head through. “Oh do tell us. I am most curious.”
“Princess? I don't-”
She smiled evilly. “You wouldn't want to disobey, would you?”
“But-”
“No buts.”
I grinned. “Unless he was referring to yours.”
The guard reddened. “How did-”
“I didn't!” I collapsed into laughter. “Holy shit, that's incredible! 'By Luna's ass'! If I ever write a book, I'm totally using that.”
Luna looked positively murderous. “I beg your pardon?”
I winced. “Yeah, I'm just going to go now.”
“Have fun.” Joel said sarcastically, watching me pelt away at top speed with a fuming Luna in tow.
“I'm sorry! Please don't eat me!” I screamed, wishing that I still had staminup.
“YOUR PAIN WILL KNOW NO BOUNDS!”
After running for a solid minute, I found myself back at Celestia's room. Elbowing my way past the surprised guards, I started hammering desperately on the door. “Help! Your sister is trying to kill me!”
After a few precious seconds, the door opened, admitting a rather tired looking princess of the sun. “What's all this racket about?”
Luna, her eyes glowing with murderous rage, teleported right next to me. “EVEN DEATH HIMSELF WILL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!”
I let out a rather unmanly squeak and quickly jumped behind Celestia. “Save me Sunbutt!”
“I beg your pardon?” Celestia growled.
I looked up at the two princesses with wide eyes. “Please don't hurt me.”
The two glanced at each other and said in unison, “Not likely!”
My eyes flicked between their merciless grins. “This is how I die.”
Luna lifted me up into the air, crushing me slightly. “Only the good die young.” Her grin turned borderline manic. “You are going to suffer for a very long time.”
Two point five minutes later
“That was relaxing.” Celestia commented, wiping blood off her coat and leaving it pristine once more.
“I think my balls are on fire.” I said weakly, doubled over in pain.
Joel had turned up about a minute ago, but could do little more than watch as my body was systematically ripped apart and put back together. I was currently trying not to die from pain, and Celestia's guards were puking out in the hall. Luna picked me up and threw me into her sister's room, before stepping inside herself. Joel and Celestia followed, shutting the door behind them.
“Was that really necessary?” I asked in a voice that was much higher than normal.
“It was therapeutic.” Luna said, smiling contentedly.
I looked around, trying my best to stand. “If it stops you from almost killing me again, I still think your room is better.”
“Speaking of which, why are you here anyway?” Celestia asked.
I rubbed my temples, wishing I still had jug. “Ugh, I can't really remember. Something to do with thrusting and shooting.”
Luna and Joel cracked up.
“Wait, did I just-”
Celestia nodded, turning red as a tomato. “Yes. Yes you did.”
“Oh fuck me.” I muttered.
A somewhat sensual grin creeped onto Celestia's face. “Well, that was why you wanted to see me, wasn't it?”
The laughter in the room grew louder, now bolstered by the princess of the sun's.
I sighed. “If I had a gun, I would blow my brains out right now.”
Luna managed to halt her laughing for a second to say, “Oh please, allow me. I'm very experienced with blowing.”
I started banging my head against the wall. “Enough with the damn innuendo!”
“I'll in your endo!” Called a voice from the door.
I looked over. “Shyv? How the fuck?”
A black, chitinous face poked around the door. “What are you all laughing about?”
I blinked. “You know what Tia? Your guards suck. Really badly.”
“I'm sorry, it's just that we've been through multiple wars in the past two years, so I kind of have to lower the quality check if I want a decent sized military.”
I shook my head. “I know, but seriously. You need better guards. They just let an undisguised changeling into your bedchamber. I mean, fucking hell.”
“Oh, and I suppose you can pull a pair of of super experienced, highly observant guards out of your ass, can you?”
“SHE'S A FUCKING CHANGELING! HOW DO YOU MISS THAT?”
Vi sat down carefully near the door. “To be fair, they were both passed out in puddles of vomit. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?”
“That probably had something to do with me being violently disassembled and reassembled.” I shuddered. “Very painful and not pretty in the slightest.”
“You deserved it.”
“All I did was call you Sunbutt.”
In an instant, my hair was on fire.
I screamed and started patting it frantically, trying to put it out. After a few seconds of watching with mild amusement, Luna dumped some water on my head, extinguishing the fire.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” I yelled. “You ruined my hair!”
Shyv raised an eyebrow. “That's what you care about?”
I scowled. “My hair was cool, okay?”
“I must admit, it was pretty fabulous.”
“Was. Till Sunbutt ruined it.”
Celestia yawned. “You really don’t learn, do you?
I sniffed. “My balls are on fire again, aren't they?”
“Yup.”
“This really hurts you know.”
“I do.”
“Can you get rid of it?”
“Eventually.”
“How is this not burning my clothes?”
“It's magic.”
“That's not an explanation. Magic is a very exact and specific science.”
“How would you know? You aren't magical in any way. If anything, you're anti-magical.”
I stood up, the pain in my crotch almost forgotten. Almost. “Well screw you. I reject your reality and substitute my own. I'm going to make magic science. I'M GOING TO MAKE MAGIC MY BITCH!”
“Good luck with that.”
I sat down. “This still really hurts by the way.”
“Uh huh.”
“Jokes on you, I'm already infertile.”
Celestia raised her eyebrows. “How did that occur?”
“Crazy terrorists. It's a long story I don't like telling.”
“I can respect that.”
“Can you get rid of this fire?”
She sighed. “Fine.”
“Thank you.”
“So, how are you going to make magic your bitch?” Luna asked sceptically.
I shrugged. “Find the Necronomicon, unlock the secrets of the universe and murder Blueblood a lot. For science.”
“The Necronomicon?”
“Well, assuming that’s it's a thing and you haven't done something stupid under the guise of it being too dangerous for ponykind.”
Luna clicked her hooves together. “Umm, about that.”
I groaned. “Please tell me you haven't thrown it into a volcano or something.”
“We...” Luna sighed. “We lost it.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “More like you lost it.”
“It was Nightmare, okay?”
“It was still you under that silly nightmare moon guise. He doesn't completely take over you know.”
“Shut up! I was being stupid.”
I blinked. “You managed to lose the book that could destroy the world... How?”
“Nightmare wasn't the smartest supervillan.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you can say that again. I kind of wish he was still alive, just so I could high five him.”
“Why would you-”
“In the face. With a chair. That's made of steel. Twice.”
“Okaaay.”
“And if he hadn't lost the Necronomicon, I'd be able to.” I muttered. “Any idea where it is?”
Luna shrugged. “There are plenty of underground societies that are hunting it.”
Celestia frowned. “And you know this how?”
“I get bored. Also, I've been looking for an excuse to knock off Blueblood without you realizing it was me.”
Celestia laughed. “Good luck with that now.”
“Oh shut up.”
I put my hand up. “Hey, I'd love to. Like, for free. Hell, I'd pay you if I had any money.”
“Speaking of which, you owe me a sum of 3000 bits for allowing you to use the private hospital for a week. Tax included.”
I facepalmed. “Are you fucking with me right now? Where am I going to get a job?”
“It's your fault for wanting to stay all secret.”
I groaned. “All I've ever done in my life is kill people and do housework for a living.”
“You could search for the Necronomicon. I'm sure that would yield a bunch of treasure.” Vi suggested.
“It could take years though.”
“So? It's not like you have anything else better to do.” Shyv replied.
“I have plenty of things I want to do before I die.” I growled.
“Unless you do something stupid, you're unlikely to die in the next few years.”
I sighed. “That's true for almost everyone, except me.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“I'm probably going to die in the next few years, and the more crappy situations I end up in, the shorter my time gets.”
“What do you mean?”
I looked up at them, my expression carefully blank. Shyv stared back, looking slightly concerned. Everybody in the room did.
“Well then. Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
I looked over to Vi. “Do you trust me?”
“With my life.”
Finally, I looked to the two sisters. “You've only known me for a couple of days, but I've known you for years. I trust you. Do you trust me?”
Celestia sighed. “At this point in time, I don't think I can say no, despite how much my gut is telling me to.”
Luna just nodded.
I looked over to Joel. He smiled. “It might as well be now.”
“Well then.” I addressed the entire group. “Time to tell you my life story.”