//------------------------------// // Beautiful Mare // Story: Born in Equestria // by Winston //------------------------------// Born in Equestria 4. Beautiful Mare In the Carousel Boutique's studio, Rarity stood facing Rainbow Dash's left side, patiently working at her coat with a short-bristled, stiff brush. She ran it down Dash's side over and over again, always in the same downward direction, trying to coax all the hairs into alignment consistent with the rest of the coat to make the three parallel scars vanish. A few minutes went by, with Rarity quietly working and Rainbow Dash obligingly holding still. She wasn't usually into too much in the way of grooming and would normally have felt silly letting this be done to her, but it was actually kind of nice this time. The rhythmic brushing had a kind of massaging effect that felt good. She was a little self-conscious, but there was only one other pony around, and it was one she could trust. She relaxed and slipped into to just enjoying it, staring forward and not thinking about anything in particular. "I'm afraid these are quite stubborn," Rarity stated after a while, pausing for a moment and studying the lines intently. Rainbow Dash turned her head to look at them herself. It was true, they were still visible despite her friend's efforts. "It's... Getting a little better than it was, I suppose. At least your coat looks wonderful, if I do say so myself... But these marks are nowhere near gone," Rarity spoke again. She resumed brushing, and continued for another few minutes in silence. Once again, Rainbow Dash allowed herself to start getting lost in the pleasant feel of being brushed, although she could tell that Rarity was still not meeting with a lot of success. If she had been, she would have been happily humming or making the little noises of approval she always did when she was making progress on creating something of beauty. There was no such sound right now from the unicorn, only a silent glare of concentration and a slight frown. "I know it's not my business, but I have to confess... I was wondering about these, to be honest," Rarity finally said after another few minutes, still brushing, and still staring with intensity at the scars she was trying to smooth over, "though of course I didn't want to say anything, not knowing how sensitive a subject it might be for you." "Well, there isn't really that much to tell about 'em, and don't worry, I'm not sensitive about it at all." Rainbow Dash said. "Usually." "I see," Rarity gave her a little nod. "I don't even know why I'm all worked up about this now," Rainbow Dash said doubtfully. "I never cared before." Actually, she had a pretty good idea of why the scars had suddenly bothered her enough to want to erase their appearance. She just didn't much want to get into it, not with her current companion. Rarity was... Her heart was in the right place. She wanted to help when she could, in her own way. But how could she understand what these meant? How could Rainbow Dash explain this? She couldn't. That was the thing. Like it was with so many others, there was no explaining it to her. Not to this pony. She was a great friend, but there was no getting around that they were different. Rarity thought it was just cosmetic, just a matter of looking pretty. That was what mattered to her. So let her think that. "It's not like it really matters," Dash mumbled, barely audibly, half to Rarity and half to herself in response to her own thoughts. The rhythm of downward strokes on Dash's side stopped. There was a heavy, long moment of silence. Rainbow Dash wondered if it was what she said that brought it on, or if Rarity was just finally done with the extent of what she could do with what she had to work with. Rarity set down her brush, and walked around from Rainbow Dash's side to stand in front of her. She gently lifted one forehoof under Dash's chin and pushed up, then lightly brushed aside some of the disorderly forelocks of her mane out of her face, clearing it away from partially covering her rose colored eyes. "Of course it matters," the unicorn looked at her friend's face, and smiled softly, warmly. The gaze of her blue eyes held Rainbow Dash entranced for a moment. "You know, you're a beautiful mare, Rainbow," Rarity said. "Even if you don't always seem to be interested in acknowledging that. Maybe even more when you don't, just because it's still true even so. But it's always been there." Rainbow Dash was unsure of what exactly to make of this, and taken aback. "Huh? Why are you telling me that?" she asked, wondering what Rarity was getting at. "Because I think that sometimes you just need to hear it from somepony," Rarity said. "Because it's true, and because I think... Well, I think very often it seems as if you tend to forget it or just ignore it because you're always focused on other things. I think that maybe this is one of those times when you need somepony to say it and help you feel like a mare. A pretty one. You're many things, my dear Rainbow Dash, but one of the most fundamental of those things is that you're a mare." "Not the fussy kind, I'm not," Rainbow Dash said. "Not like this." "Doesn't matter," Rarity shook her head. "Every mare has the right to care about how she looks. It's only natural, even if only once in a while. She's entitled to it, so don't deny yourself that when you need it. Don't ever think that that's a weakness, caring about yourself and wanting to feel good about your appearance. If you don't feel good about yourself first, how are you ever going to do anything good for anypony else?" "I guess you are the one who knows about generosity," Rainbow Dash said. "I try," Rarity said modestly, with a small smile. Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. She was a mare, right? Odd question that she'd never considered before. Was she a mare? On the surface, it seemed ridiculous to ask, one of those things so obvious and so taken for granted that it never usually occurred to anypony to need any thought. Of course she was, at least the last time she checked. All her life, for that matter, as far as she knew. Only girl parts back there. Not like it just changes at random all by itself, does it? But... Maybe... Maybe that wasn't such a silly question, in a more important sense than the superficial and strictly physical. Maybe Rarity could be on to something here, in a way? A little bit of something dawned on her, as she thought about it and realized it was hard sometimes to remember really feeling like one. When was the last date she'd been on? She couldn't remember. Last time she'd been given flowers by a romantically inclined admirer? Last time she'd gotten a sincerely amorous Hearts & Hooves day card? Chocolates? Anything? Heck, even just plain getting laid, whether by a stallion or another mare, ceremoniously or not? Never, to all of the above. Her sex life, when she actually felt the desire and somehow had the energy left for it (challenging things, for much the last three years), mostly consisted of clopping off to satiate the physical urge and then drifting to sleep while she still felt warm and calm and relaxed. Enjoyable enough to provide some relief from the stress of the day for a little while, and much better than drinking herself to sleep, anyway. But strictly a single player activity. She was a mare, but somepony who read her life story without knowing that could have been fooled. Not that she'd seem any more discernably like a stallion, though. It would probably be close to indeterminate one way or the other... But with the important exception, she reminded herself on thinking a bit further about it, of the fact that her best friends were all other girls, and of the occasional times she'd been talked into fancy dresses and other such typically 'girly' activity (though it may have usually been with reluctance, it could still happen). Well, at least in Ponyville there had been those things, the occasional dress and the hanging out with other girls. It wasn't a lot but it was... It was something. It may have been a long and loose tether and easy to drift far and wide on, lots of wiggle room for ambiguity and exploration, but at least there was that little bit of an anchor. The critical thing was having the decision. She was able to choose her comfort level. If there wasn't a whole lot of feminine expression, that was still by choice. That was her living the way she wanted, being just as much of a mare as she wanted and needed to be to feel satisfied. It was definition enough. Outside Ponyville, though... Up north... For three years, there hadn't even been that. There had been nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. That cord was cut. No anchor, no reference... No hints for the reader of the Rainbow Dash story. Might as well just flip a coin. Or not even bother with any notion of determining or assigning a gender, for how much it seemed to matter. Machines don't have a gender, do they? With that sudden thought, a stark and profound realization broke over Rainbow Dash's mind. It was as if a light went on in her head, unveiling a whole new piece of a truth that was right there in front of her all the time and just never comprehended fully. She saw for the first time in a way that left her almost stunned what a basic piece of herself she'd been stripped of and not even consciously grasped that absence. "I... Uhhh... Jeeze. Wow. Y'know, Rarity, I think you're right," Rainbow Dash said. "I think somepony telling me I'm still a mare is something I've needed to hear for a while. I haven't heard it much before now. Probably not at all in the last three years." "I suppose it could be hard in..." Rarity paused. "Well, in your situation. Out there." "Not just hard. Impossible," Rainbow Dash shook her head. "It was... It was gone. I never saw it like that before, but really... I mean... Just gone. At least that's how I feel, looking back at it now." "I'm... Not sure I understand, exactly," Rarity said. "I mean, for the last three years I was effectively not a mare at all," Rainbow Dash said. "But how could that be true?" Rarity asked. "You still had all the... Well, you know..." Rainbow Dash sighed. It was a weird concept. How to put this in terms that made it relatable...? She pondered for a moment. Something occured to her. "Alright... It's like this. Just because somepony has a sewing machine doesn't make them a fashion designer, does it?" Rainbow Dash asked. "No. That could be an important underlying part of it, but they're not a designer unless they..." Rarity's eyes widened a bit and she nodded with comprehension. "Unless they design. Right. It's the things they do and the ways they think and feel, not just the parts they have." "Exactly," Rainbow Dash said. "It's kinda like that side of you... It gets almost like, erased. Mares and stallions both. They just... Stopped existing as separate things. There were only ponies. Only ma-" Only machines. Somthing stopped her from saying that word out loud. "Only soldiers," She continued. "They gave us all the same stuff, we all did the same job, male or female. The same armor. The same weapons. There was really no difference." "Surely they had to separate some things." Rarity said. "A few, I guess. But not as many as you might think," Rainbow Dash said. "Looking back at it, about the only thing that was really separated was that there were separate male and female doctors and corpsponies if you ever went to medical, and that was only because that could get... Uncomfortably personal otherwise. Other than that, though, really nothing." "Oh, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said sympathetically. "Never being able to really feel like a mare at all? I just can't imagine what that's like. I really can't." "I couldn't have either, before I went through it," Rainbow Dash said. "And I hope you never have to." Rarity hugged Rainbow Dash. "You poor thing," She said. "You've made a lot of sacrifices for all of us, haven't you?" "I'm still alive," Rainbow Dash shrugged indifferently. Sympathy was uncomfortable, chafing and irritant. She just wanted to brush it aside and have no more said in that kind of vein. It felt worst of all coming from a close friend. Of all the ponies who didn't really seem to know her anymore, having to sense it in her best friends hurt the most. "And for that, I could not be more thankful," Rarity nodded. "It's so good to have you back, finally." "I don't know if I am all the way back yet," Rainbow Dash said. "I suppose that... These things take time," Rarity said. "Don't they?" "Yeah," Rainbow Dash said quietly. She stared at the floor. A heavy silence lay in the air for a span of time that was short but felt like forever. "Well, you take all the time you need, and I'll be here for you," Rarity said, finally breaking it. "Remember that you really are beautiful, and these scars don't change that. Not the tiniest bit. And if anypony tries to tell you so..." She grinned, slightly. "Just let me know, and they will find themselves answering to me." Rainbow Dash smiled back a little and nodded reflexively, but knew that it wouldn't be a problem. Nopony ever had said anything negative about her being scarred. What had ever been said about her scars, for that matter? Really not much, aside from once, right after she'd gotten them. It was her flight leader, a longtime veteran soldier. He just nodded a bit, approvingly, when he saw them the first time. It was almost like he was congratulating her. He said not to feel ashamed of them. He said that they were an honorable mark. They were proof written on her forever, for anypony to see, that she'd been there and done her part for Equestria. Other than that, there was the odd curious glance once in a while, but little else. She'd never been made to feel ugly or unattractive for having them. At least not physically. But that weight they carried... On the inside. She was still left with the same old question she'd had at the beginning of her visit with Rarity. How could she ever explain that? Proof written on her forever. Proof of the last three years, reminding her of all the horrors that all she wanted was to bury and forget forever, to just not think about anymore. How could she even begin to talk about it, especially to her friend, to a pony like Rarity, who she wanted nothing more than to protect from the agony of those very things? But she had to say something. It was killing her, keeping everypony away from ever discussing it... Tearing her in two opposite directions. She wanted them to understand but she didn't want to expose them to understanding these things she wished she'd never had to herself. She was alone. It was another tiring thing. She was just... Tired of being so alone with it. It was too much. She needed some kind of relief. It wouldn't stay inside any more. Something had to be yielded up. "Y'know, Rare, these scars... I guess... It's not... About wanting to be pretty or feel like a mare. I mean, you're right about that, and it's also its own separate thing to deal with, too, I guess, but not really the one that these are about, exactly. It's not really so much the way they look..." Rainbow Dash felt the words sort of stumble out, while she was trying to collect her thoughts and translate them into words that articulated her negative feelings but without being too revealing, too close to home. It was a hard balancing act, being conflicted with herself. "It's the way they... Feel. It's the way they... Remind me of... You know. Of some stuff." "Oh?" Rarity said casually, now idly spinning the brush in the air using her horn's telekinesis. "What kinds of... Stuff?" "I... Uh... I'd actually rather not talk about specific things," Dash said. "Y'know?" "Alright," Rarity nodded. "I understand. Is there anypony you can talk about those... Things... With, though?" "Not really," Rainbow Dash shook her head. She wished so badly that there was. "Well, it might help you feel better if you did," Rarity said. "Especially..." She sighed. "Given our, I'll be honest, somewhat limited success here." "Oh," Rainbow Dash said, unsurprised. That was about what she'd been expecting to hear. "Kinda hopeless, huh?" "Oooh, now..." Rarity laughed her nervous little I've-got-bad-news-but-I'm-being-tactful laugh. "I wouldn't say *completely* hopeless... It's just that... Ehh... Well, you know, brushing helps but it can only do so much. I have to be upfront, it's still going to be visible, just less prominent. Your coat can't just be fixed like that. Now, I know of a few skin lotions, with collagen and some good moisturizers and things, and those can help reduce scarring and really smooth skin back down over time with regular use, but..." She sighed. "These, frankly, are not minor, they may never go away completely even using that. I'm sorry." "Awww, it's alright," Rainbow Dash waved one forehoof. "No big deal. I know you're doin' what you can, it wouldn't be fair to expect a miracle or anything." "I wish I could offer you one," Rarity said contritely. "I really do." "Yeah, well..." Rainbow Dash smiled a little. "Next time you find one, try and save it for somepony who needs something more important than this. I can live with it." Can I, though? Good question. Underneath her brave face, her shell, the tough girl who didn't put her sense of worth in her looks... She knew that it was a very good question.