We scarcely heard him land. We were both locked onto each other’s eyes, dumbstruck. Of course we both knew what was about to happen, but we’d never made the connection, we’d never realized who had been here on this cloud that day. Sunset and I broke our gaze as we looked over at a younger version of myself. I was about sixteen on this day, and though six years had passed since then it still felt like yesterday as I watched myself.
I, well he, was a wreck. Tears were streaming down his face, mixing with the blood that flowed from a recent cut. His entire world was crashing down, and the few thoughts I could remember having this day could be seen on his face. I watched horrified as he stumbled over to the edge of the cloud, tripping just before the edge. A strange sound came from his throat, something between a sob and a scream. The tears still flowed freely, and only seemed to increase as he sat there, looking down at the ground so far below. I turned to Sunset, forcing my eyes away from the sight.
“Look, Sunset, we both know what’s going to happen here. We can leave now if you want.” I was almost pleading with her. “We still have plenty of time before…well you know.” I choked back tears as the memories of this day hit me once more. I had to stay strong, if not for myself then for Sunset. I had to be there to comfort her.
Sunset, however was sitting perfectly still, transfixed on my past self. There were tears in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away.
“No. We are not leaving this cloud Shining. After all this time…I THOUGHT YOU HAD DIED!” Her rage was boiling over in earnest, her eyes blazing as she seemed to glare at me. “I SPENT YEARS TRYING TO TELL MYSELF THAT I’D DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE! THEY WOULDN’T EVEN LET ME SEE YOU AFTER IT HAPPENED YOU KNOW! I HAD TO ASSUME THEY’DE BURIED YOU! I NEVER EVEN KNEW YOUR FUCKING NAME SHINING, I JUST KNEW THAT YOU WERE DEAD! HOW COULD YOU NEVER TELL ME?”
Quickly abandoning any hope of holding my tears in, I tried to choke out an explanation. “I-I never even k-knew it was you.” I cried. “I always wondered, but no one seemed to know. They just said someone had dropped me at the hospital and run.”
She wasn’t satisfied, but she was calming down a bit.
“I…I know. I’m sorry, it’s just, well, I” she sighed, lowering her gaze as she tried to apologize. “I guess I just always blamed myself for the whole thing. I mean, you seemed pretty dead when I got you to the hospital. That’s why I ran too. I was so afraid someone would think I’d done it to you, I just…panicked.”
I practically leapt over the cloud to get to her, pulling her into a tight embrace as my tears finally ran dry. She hugged me back, pulling me as close as she could and wishing she would never have to let go. In the silence of the sky, Sunset and I lost ourselves in a world were none of this had happened, where neither of us had been assaulted, where there was no pain. As we embraced, I could feel her heart beating against my chest, and I swore to myself I would be with her for as long as that beat continued. I promised myself that I would somehow make up for all the pain I’d caused her; but for now I’d have to settle with just helping her through today.
As I heard a distinct mumbling from the edge of the cloud grow louder, I gently released Sunset. It was going to happen soon, and there was no way to avoid it. The potion we’d taken was a one way ticket. There was no way to get back to our bodies except waiting and watching.
“Sunset” I whispered soothingly. “You don’t have to watch if you don’t want to, but I think I need to do this for myself.”
I stood up, walking over to the stallion mumbling incoherently on the edge of the cloud. I knew there was no way to change the past, but I had to do something. As I lit up my horn, I prayed that something would happen, anything that would let me get through to my younger self. There was a flash of light, and I was surprised when my younger self looked over in my direction.
I was not, however, nearly as surprised as he was.
As he jumped backwards, I stared curiously behind me to see what had startled him. All that was there was Sunset, watching me intently. Looking back, my past self was staring directly at me.
“W-Who are y-you?” he stuttered, shocked by the sudden appearance of another pony on the cloud.
“Wait, you can see me?” I asked, my eyes widening as I realized that he could only be talking to me.
“Yeah. Now who are you?” he asked again, a bit more forcibly as the anger started to rise within him.
“I’m…” your future self who used a potion to come back in time and some random spell to suddenly turn myself visible so that I could talk to you? “Someone who wants to help”
“Well I don’t want your help, so get out of here!” he spat, throwing an accusing stare at me. “Besides, no one could help me even if they tried…”
As he tried to turn away from me, a bit of anger boiled to the surface. I grabbed min by the shoulder, yanking him away from the edge of the cloud and throwing him down toward the center.
“WHAT THE HELL MAN” he screamed as he tried to fight me off. “GET OFF OF ME.”
“YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, DO NOT GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” I shouted in response, pinning him down as he struggled against me. I waited until he stopped resisting before I continued in a calmer voice. “I’m just here to talk. I know why you came up here, and I’m not going to let you go through with this. Understood!”
If looks could kill, I’d be dead. “Trust me dude, you have no idea what’s up here” my past self replied, wiggling one forehoof out of my grip so he could tap it to his forehead.
“Oh really” I challenged.
“Yeah.”
Looking over at Sunset, who had still made no movements since I’d left her, I leaned in close to whisper in his ear.
“Your name is Shining Heart. You came up here today to end it. You don’t think anyone loves you. You think you’re worthless. You’re pissed because your friend technically took your virginity, and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to find a girl who will take you in after that. Your dad has been ignoring you for months, and the only time you see him is when he’s drinking at the kitchen table. You’ve been down, and I mean really down, for a very long time but you hide it. You bury all the bullshit under a fake grin and you choose to help others with their problems instead of facing your own. But you messed up. Big time. You got too involved, and now you think you’ve found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, but the problem is you’re too afraid to tell her. That’s why you’re up here, and you know what. You’re wrong.”
I got up, stretching a bit and looked at him with a challenge in my eyes. He stared back, completely paralyzed with confusion. That’s when we made eye contact.
I guess I’d never realized at the time how much of a mess I was. I was used to some pretty crazy emotions, but past me was a trainwreck. I couldn’t even begin to describe it; the pain and fear of rejection, the emptiness from an impassive drunk of a father, the horror from the memories of the past…it was all too much.
He broke the connection first, standing up gently and trying to back away. He made it halfway to the edge of the cloud before I snapped out of my trance.
“Please stop trying to be stupid.” I stated blankly, watching him out of the corner of my eye. “I know you’re not a stupid kid.”
“Really, and what else do you know about me, because I’m not gonna lie you’re starting to creep me out. Just who exactly are you?”
I sighed. “Would you believe me if I told you I’m you from the future?”
“No”
I couldn’t help chuckling a bit. “Well then I’m just a concerned party making sure you don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
He stopped inching toward the edge for a moment to look at me curiously. “Alright, that definitely helped me be less creeped out by you.”
I watched him closely as he began inching away once more. I knew what he was trying to do, just like I knew any attempt to grab at him again would make him jump off the cloud immediately. The only way to save him now was by talking.
“So tell me, future me. Why exactly do you think this is a mistake?” he asked sarcastically, giving me the perfect opportunity to get him talking.
“Oh please, I don’t think it’s a mistake, I know it is!” I replied, giving him another challenging look.
“Oh really, and why is that?”
“Because, all of those stupid fears are based off of nothing. You’re so young Shining. Do you really think that life has to be this hard. That it won’t get better!”
“It all looks like shit to me, but go ahead, wow me. What gets better old man?”
Damn past me was an arrogant little shit.
“Well, what do you want to know?” I asked, not really sure where to begin.
“Why don’t you start with dad’s drinking. I’m sure that gets a lot better!”
“Well, something happens, today in fact, and dad finally comes to his senses. He almost loses something he really loves, and from that day forward he tries to find help. He’s been sober for five years now, and he’s the best dad anyone could ask for. He never stopped caring about you Shining, he just got caught up in work and never realized how miserable he was until it was almost too late.”
He paused for a moment, slightly taken aback, before continuing. “Alright, and what happens with this girl. Is she the one?”
I winced a bit at that. “No, she’s not. Some day when she’s drunk she will ask you to take her all the way. You won’t. She’ll get mad and ditch you. A few months afterward she’ll come back to you and let you take her on a few dates. You’ll be happy, genuinely happy for once in your life, but she’ll tell you something that is going to destroy you. You’ll stop trusting everyone and you’ll swear to give up on mares forever, but you will fail miserably.”
I looked back to check on Sunset, but found to my surprise that while I was talking she had moved up next to me, looking at me in wonder. I smiled at her before turning back to my past self.
“You’ll never be able to swear of mares for good Shining. One day you’re going to run into the most beautiful, most wonderful mare in all of Equestria, and she’s going to take you in. She’s going to fix pieces of you that you never even knew needed fixing. She’s going to fill you with more joy and more love than you thought possible. She’ll be with you forever, and you’ll never be able to repay her for that Shining, no matter how hard you try.”
I had begun to talk to my present self more than my past self. As I finished, I felt Sunset move closer to me, nuzzling into my neck.
Looking back at my past self, I saw that the tears were once again flowing, but this time the tears were accompanied with rage.
“HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT!” he screamed, making me jump back a bit. “HOW DARE YOU…EXIST? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M FEELING! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S IN MY MIND! HELL, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M FEELING ANYMORE! NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND…”
I saw what he was about to do only a second before it happened. As he turned and dashed to the edge of the cloud, I followed. Before he could throw himself over the edge I grabbed him by the barrel and pulled him back, oblivious to his screams.
“SHINING!” I shouted, getting his attention as he tried to escape my grasp. “If you remember anything from today, I need you to remember this. Soon, sooner than you think in fact, you are going to figure it out. You are going to find words for how you feel and you’re going to work through all of this.”
“Shining”
“So if I let go now, will you cooperate? There’s just one last thing you have to know.”
“Shining”
“HELL NO” he screamed in defiance
“Shining I really think you should-”
“I’m not letting go until you do” I challenged. He continued to struggle for a moment before realizing it was useless.
“Fine, you get to say one more thing, but then swear you’ll leave me alone!”
“Shining, seriously you need to look!” Sunset yelled, finally drawing my attention. I looked to where she was pointing and saw a young mare the color of a sunset flying up toward the cloud we were on. Getting the picture, I turned back to my past self.
“Shining, soon you’re going to meet a mare that will set your heart and soul on fire, and when you do,” I looked over at my sunset mare, her mane flaming in the breeze, and she smiled at me; a smile that took away every worry and filled me to the brim with joy. I took a deep breath before turning back to him. “You burn with her.”
As I released his hoof, I watched him absorb the words. My horn lit up, and I once more vanished from his sight. He stood dumbfounded for a few moments before shaking his head, trying to clear it. He then turned his back to Sunset and I, looking carefully at the edge of the cloud we stood on.
“Dumb ass. You don’t know anything!” I heard him mutter as he took three deliberate steps forward, standing on the brink of the cloud once more. I considered running to him and pulling him back, but I knew this was no longer my fight. He closed his eyes and took a single step forward, walking out into the open sky, beginning the fall that would free him from this world…
Or at least it would have if a fiery blur hadn’t come cascading into him, throwing his back toward the center of the cloud. I turned to Sunset as her past self materialized on the cloud, looking curiously at the stallion she’d just slammed into.
“Looks like we have a nasty habit of slamming into each other.” I joked with her, watching the blush on her cheeks light her on fire.
“I-I’m sorry about earlier Shining. I just…kinda lost it. I shouldn’t have treated you like that”
I caught her in a quick kiss before whispering to her. “You have nothing to be sorry for Sunset.”
She smiled as she turned back to watch her past self fly over to the half conscious stallion she’d just hit, poking him a few times with a forehoof to make sure he was still alive at least.
“Helloooooo” she cooed, bringing my past self out of his daze. “Are you alright, you almost stepped off a cloud there buddy!”
“Yeah, that was the intention” he muttered, pulling himself back up.
A look of worry crossed her face as the younger Sunset helped him up.
“But why would you try to walk off a cloud? Were you trying out a new spell or…” she stopped suddenly as she noticed the matted fur under his eyes, clear marks that he’d been crying. Finally putting the pieces together, she took a more comforting tone as she flew a bit closer to him.
“Um, are you alright Mr…”
“Heart, Shining Heart” he answered glumly, trying to ward her off.
“That’s a nice name. I’m Sunset Rains. I just heard someone yelling up here on this cloud, and I came to check it out.” She glanced around. “Um, are you alone? I thought I heard someone else.”
She turned back to him, or at least where he used to be. She spotted him a bit farther away, standing once more on the edge of the cloud.
“SHINING” she squeaked, flying over to him as fast as she could.
“Just…Just leave me alone” he managed to choke out through the tears that poured down his face. “I just…Just leave. Leave me like everyone else!”
She put a forehoof on his shoulder, turning him to face her.
“What’s wrong!” she asked as more of a demand than a question. Shining couldn’t quite figure out why, but all of a sudden he just didn’t care. He didn’t care that this mare was a complete stranger. He didn’t care what she thought of him. He just had to talk to someone, anyone, and so he did. He told her everything; every fear, doubt, regret, hope, and shortcoming he’d ever known. His words flowed on and on; minutes passed and still Sunset stood there listening and comforting. He would have gone on forever, but he was interrupted after about five minutes by something he’d never expected.
As Sunset leaned in, Shining was still rambling on. It was not until her lips were only a few inches away that Shining faltered off, his heart pounding as he looked into her eyes.
“You know Shining…” she whispered soothingly, still moving closer and closer while looking deep into his eyes, “No matter how bad it seems, no matter how unloved you feel, no matter how many nights you just wished you were dead, just remember that there is someone out there that cares for you”
“Oh really, and who is that” Shining spat, still not getting the idea.
“Me.” she whispered simply before moving in and meeting his lips with her own.
At first, Shining just stood there, eyes wide and completely in shock, but after a few moments his eyes closed, leaking tears as he brought himself up to pull Sunset into a hug. As we, a strange light began emanating from past Shining’s flank. It slowly grew brighter and brighter, nearly blinding us before it suddenly vanished. Left in its place was a simple half-heart cutie mark.
The two kissing ponies, somewhat startled by the sudden light, broke there kiss as they looked back at Shining’s flank.
“Oh cool Shining, you got your cutie mark. I wonder what it means?”
“I have no idea!” he stated in shock, looking up to meet her gaze.
He froze, a look of panic spreading across his face.
“Shining, what’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I-I…I don’t…” he stuttered, backing away from Sunset as she stared in confusion, then panic.
“SHINING!” she shouted, watching him slowly backing away from her. “YOU’RE GOING TO STEP OFF…”
But it was too late. With a sudden look of horror, Shining’s retreating hoof missed the edge of the cloud and threw him off balance. He looked in terror at Sunset as he slipped off the cloud, falling quickly toward the ground below.
With a yell Sunset followed him, spreading her wings and flying after the stallion as he fell. The future Sunset and I walked to the edge of the cloud, grimly watching as past Sunset caught up to Shining and desperately tried to pull him back up. We watched as his weight overwhelmed the pegasus and pulled her down with him. They both landed with a sickening thud on the ground below, unmoving. Sunset and I nodded at each other before flying down to them, landing nearby to wait for one of the ponies to wake up.
Sunset stirred first, shaking her head to clear her mind. Suddenly, she sat bolt upright, looking around for the stallion she’d been chasing. She flung herself to his side when she located him, shaking as she called out his name. When he did not answer, the tears started to flow down her cheeks. She fell on his chest and sobbed, praying that this was all just some nightmare. As she cried, the same light from earlier gathered around her, enveloping her flank and blinding all of us. When the light faded a single raindrop remained. I looked over at my sunset’s flank, finally realizing the actual significance of her cutie mark.
“So it never was a raindrop” I whispered in her ear. “Your cutie mark. It’s a teardrop.”
She blushed and answered sheepishly, trying to avoid my gaze.
“Yeah, my name usually throws people off. I usually don’t mention it to people since…well I didn’t know what I know now.”
A sound from the past Sunset drew our attention once more, and we looked over to see her suddenly sit up.
“Wait a second.” We heard her mutter. “That sounds like…”
She sprang into action, putting a forehoof against Shining’s neck. The steady beat of a pulse confirmed her suspicions, and she suddenly stood. Scooping Shining’s limp body up, she spread her wings once more.
“I’ll be damned if you’re going to die on me Shining” we heard her mutter before she took to the skies, flying to Ponyville’s hospital.
We would have followed her, but a strange dark mist was forming around us. Sunset and I looked at each other, knowing that the potion was about to work its magic again. Sighing, I held her close and prayed that the next memory would be a bit more pleasant.