Discords Discourse

by Cromegas_Flare



It is an interesting feeling to fly both west and east at the same time.  It is like doing a backflip sideways, you can hardly tell where you are going.  I was determined though, so I did what any me else would do, I snapped my fingers and materialized out from a tree in Equestria, and turned into a chair in my old lab.  I could tell you what I did at the exact same time, but to ease your minds, and I being reformed will tell you in bits.  So where should I start?  Well I think I will start here in Equestria.
It was interesting, coming out of a tree.  Bark flaked off and melted back to me as I reformed my chosen physical appearance.  Yes I was reformed back then too, don’t look so surprised.  So back to where I was at, I was back to me, from the tree, and there was no pony to see.
The same was said in my old lab, in a flash I was back too.  I and wanted to cry because there was no limes.  I was in the mood for limes, so I remedied that and the other me in Equestria turned to the tree I once was and picked a lime from the oranges.  The fruit soon made it back to me and I feasted on the doughnut within.  Now that my stomach was full, I went over to the machine and started my work.  I did know what I was doing as I took the mainframe, or the magical resilience that was within the circuits.  I tried to start up the machine so I could see the data that was stored with in.  But at last all I could do was achieve to have the lights turn on, and off, and on, and off, and on.  You get the picture right?  Despite trying to figure out how the machine worked with the box of lights, I could not access the main data within the core of the chamber.
I walked through the grass in the air, having the ground rise up to meet me.  I even had the grass plow bubbles!  That however was not important, not yet anyway.  No I had to find a Unicorn to power the machine back home.  It could not be any unicorn though, it had to be somepony that knew what they were doing.  So I devised up a little test to find the right Unicorn, and oh was it a great test.  I had them eat cheese, and the first one to taste my secret ingredient would have enough ‘sciencey’ knowledge to help me out, and maybe I won’t turn them into a bath towel but maybe give them the mercy of being my toothbrush.  It was great really how things could roll into my will, so I popped up a circus cart and submarined my way into the nearest town.  (There is no secret ingredient)
As I was looking through the lambratory, because I decided to have a bunch of sheep running around having a pillow fight with flowers.  I found Doctor Apparatus’s old journal, so I quickly skimmed through it, and in about one hour I came across an entry that made realize that all ponies no longer deserve to be turned into items of toiletry but deserved the kind wrath I had to offer.  That sick scum always hated my horns!  He literally wrote that my horns were too long and had caused a heap of trouble in the lab.  I’ll have to talk to my bath towel, but not today.  My horns caused much more than a heap of trouble, they were the trouble.  I really need to teach him how to correctly diagnose a situation in reality.  It also turns out that we had a stash of popcorn in the basement, maybe that will come in handy latter.
It did not take long for the world to recognize that the way things run in my competition was difficult.  Ponies would eat my cheese and would say silly things like the secret ingredient was milk from a milkweed.  Some even went as far as saying that it was made from my own milk, I may be gross, but I am not that gross.  I would use griffon milk from a fish first, before I use my own milk.  Somepony got close to my ingredient, I could feel it.   The stallion however could not guess and just said I used a pinch more salt.   It was easy to get ponies to my little party, because I said that the reward for guessing correctly was an expense free trip to my exotic homeland.  Ponies being the carefree creatures they are, looked at me and were all like, “a place where he is from must be good.”  They wanted to go to a zoo!  To look at things like me so they have something to talk about.  Well with my plans I would be having the last word!
I got bored with sheep and flowers so now I had them shooting each other with icing guns. It was pretty fun to watch.  If I don’t find a unicorn soon, I’ll probably die of boredom.
                    It was then that I came across the rulers of the land of Equestria, and they had called me to their royal court.  They were not like other ponies in the land, or any other pony I have ever seen.  No they were legendary.  I have never met an Alicorn, and now I had two right in front of my face.  The first called herself Queen Celestia, and the other called herself Queen Luna.  As much as I wanted to test their powers right then and there, I decided to offer them the same challenge I offered to the other ponies.  In an instant I materialized my cheese before them, and asked them to try it and see if they can guess my secret ingredient.
                    I was craving licorice, where could I make licorice?
                    I watched as the two sisters ate their snack, and every now and I overheard them talking, and chatting.  Sometimes they would say things like, “It does taste good sister, we should be glad to have tried this” and the other would say “You are right, it does taste good, but I think it still tastes the same as the cheese in our royal pantry.”
                    Could I make Licorice from a twig?  That might work.
“Sir Discord, We have found out your Secret Ingredient.  Exclaimed the young and lush blue Alicorn of the night.” I waited for their guess to be announced, my family depended on it.  The White Alicorn stepped up and spoke, “The secret ingredient is that there is none”
                    A licorice twig could always taste better, but it will have to do for now.
        The cool fire burned in my head as all I could think was to get them to me with no time wasted.  It must have shown, because even within my thoughts I noticed the concerned look on their faces.  It was not a look that was relevant to my condition, it was a look that they knew how much danger they were now in.  Even to this day, I don’t know how they knew.  No warning had they attacked me, or at least attempted; Despite their efforts, I snapped my paws and they were back with the other me in my lab.

        Candy could not have been sweater to be staring at my success, for right before me were two lovely alicorns.  Sisters, yes they were sisters; it took a bit for my memories to combine with the split, but I had time on my side.  Instantly though they tried to attack me, so I did what any desperate fool would do; mind you though, a desperate fool with power.  I let my will creep out of my mind into theirs blocking them from moving.  I needed to talk, and nothing would stop me from completing my goals.

        I was hungry, much more hungry for things other than real food, no I needed entertainment.  Now I must begin my reign!