//------------------------------// // Chapter eight in the morning is the lazy man's hour // Story: My Voice in a Head // by Lord Destrustor //------------------------------// Chapter 8 Nothing happened. And then Nothing kept happening. I wish someone could have warned me about Nothing keeping happening forever. I could hear my breathing, feel the slow rise of my chest, my calm heartbeat thumping away the seconds. Not much else. At least the weird link I had with his body meant I felt awesomely well-rested by that point. I guess not having to worry about my own physical well-being was a perk, in a way. I could just offload the responsibility on Silver Spring and concentrate exclusively on my mental state. I’d definitely need to if I had to endure another entire night of doing absolutely nothing while being completely awake. That doofus on the other hand, seemed intent on sleeping the rest of his life away, apparently. Come to think of it, he hadn’t even set his alarm clock last night. Oh wait, he hadn’t even retrieved it from the bathroom, whatever it was that he’d used it for in there. Oh yeah, wait, it was Saturday, he didn’t even have to wake up on time. The light I could perceive through my eyelids was getting steadily brighter, and I could faintly feel a soft warmth creeping up my cheek. Maybe I could have let him sleep in. Under normal circumstances and as an outside observer, I could certainly have agreed that he deserved it after the bullshit of the previous day. It had been a harrowing experience, and the mere act of waking up would mean a return to it for him. The right thing to do would have been to wait until he woke up on his own terms, as ready as he could be to face the hardships to come. But on the other hand, I was Soooooo Booooooored. Yes, capitalized and everything. So screw him. Now I couldn’t just go and scream like an idiot, or bleat like a goat in his head like an amateur. I needed something with panache, something that would let him know he’d been wrong about me getting to leave while he slept, and that would let him know that in an unforgettably obnoxious way that he’d remember forever. I needed something awesomely annoying. … -I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEEECKING BAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!! Perfect. Surprisingly enough, Silver Spring didn’t jump out of his bed while screaming like a little girl. He simply had a little jump-scare spasm accompanied by a short but vigorous breath, and ended up on his belly with a foreleg dangling from the edge of the bed. A foreleg that he then used to rub his forehead with a long, frustrated groan. --I hate you so much. -What, you don’t like Miley Cyrus? --What in the world is a ‘Miley Cyrus’? -The reason the state of Montana is considering changing its name to retroactively avoid ever being associated with naked girls riding on giant steel balls. Another long, pained groan. --It is way too early for me to be dealing with your nonsense right now, okay? Could you please just let me wake up completely before trying to make me go insane? -Oh, so once you’re up and awake you’re fair game? Good, good, I’ll just prepare my best crazy frog impression and- “NO!” --No! just, no! I… what is it with you today? You’re so much worse than yesterday! -Yeah well, you try staying a whole night trapped in jail without even having the luxury of sleep to pass the time. Being a total dick is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism. His eyes narrowed as a mischievous grin spread across his face. Oh boy, what now? --You know, speaking of d… those, I think I need to empty my bladder now. -Oh god don’t tell me you’re actually beginning to enjoy this? --Pff, of course not, he thought as he rose out of the bed, but I am starting to think it’s worth it if it makes you so uncomfortable. -Woooow, what an asshole. --Says the one who woke me up via horrible singing for no good reason. -Okay, now you put the whole thing on the toast, and then you break the yolk and spread it all over. Now you let it coagulate for a moment so it doesn’t drip everywhere once you bite into it, and when you do, you just need to wash all the goo down with a nice gulp of milk. --That seems like a needlessly elaborate way to eat eggs. Why not just eat everything separately? -Because my way is infinitely better! Just do it! --Fffff… Fine. There we sat at the kitchen table, eating breakfast under a slowly drying mane. After the epic struggle of using the toilet, Silver had decided to take a shower. For the same reasons, both activities had been almost equally uncomfortable. At least now I knew why Silver was so insanely disheveled. Turns out that wasn’t just bed head yesterday, it was also how he usually looked since his method of drying off after a shower was the timeless classic of shaking like a dog. Why yes, world, I really did need to be reminded of the joys of suddenly being a quadruped. Being bombarded with weird and alien sensations is exactly what I need to get going in the morning. Well, silver linings and small victories and all that, at least I didn’t wake up in the land of talking pastel cats. That would’ve made bath time an …interesting experience. Speaking of cats, dogs and other carnivores… -By the way, how in the world did ponies develop a taste for eggs anyway? --What do you mean? Why wouldn’t we eat eggs? -Because it’s pretty much an exclusively predatory behavior? --It’s not predator- -Do you even know what eggs are? Unborn chicken fetuses! Little unformed baby chickens who never had a chance at life because of their own cursed deliciousness and your callous, evil stomach. Predictably, the toast fell back to the plate with a sound of disgust from my dear carnivorous host. He leaned away from the food, sticking his tongue out in disgust. --You really have a way to say things in the most horrible ways possible, don’t you? How am I supposed to finish breakfast now? -Oh just suck it up. Would changing the subject make things easier? --Uh, I guess s- -So who was that blue chick in that weird dream you had? --Wait, you saw my dreams? And what do you mean a blue chick, is this about eggs again? -No it’s not about eggs. I’m hooked to your senses, remember? I can see everything you see, even the stuff you only imagine, and that also means I can see your dreams since I was awake while you had them. And you dreamed about a tall, blue pony with wings and a horn and the moon on her ass, and I’m wondering if that was a real thing or some dream bullshit at work. The toast that he had picked up stopped about an inch from our mouth. Goddamn it I wanted to keep tasting normal food. You can think while you eat, idiot. --Wait, that sounds like Princess Luna, what was she doing in my dreams? -Man, who cares? Just keep eating, it was just a dream. “No it wasn’t just a dream!” --…Well, I mean it was, but that could have been the actual real princess! She can visit dreams! -Wow let’s go back to bed, it’s suddenly way too early to be dealing with this bullshit now. The sort of panicky stress that had showed up in his dream was instantly back with a vengeance. --Did she say anything? Did she ask any weird questions? What did you say to her? Did you- -Dude, shut up! I couldn’t even understand a word either of you said! I think she looked like she was sorta almost aware of my presence or something, but she also looked like she had no idea what to even think about it. Our head cocked to the side in confusion. I caught a glimpse of the poor little lonely piece of toast sitting by itself on the plate, gently getting colder by the second. It’s not my fault, toast! I want to eat you but the big mean pony won’t let me! --What do you mean? What’s that about not understanding anything? -I don’t know! You were both talking in some weird bullshit made-up language or something. Maybe dreams only make sense when you’re asleep? Maybe we’re all currently speaking in that language without knowing it, and your brain just wasn’t awake to auto-translate for me? Who the hell even knows that crazy stuff? --I don’t know either! -We really need some kind of expert or something. What time is it? He got up from his chair, intending to go take a look at the clock in the other room. -Woah woah woah wait wait. Where do you think you’re going? --To go loo- -NO! You sit your god-damn ass down to finish your god-damn toast right god-damn now, because eggs on toast is not something you waste! --Did you… I… you… did… “What?” -Besides, you know it’s going to be an absolute bitch to clean if you let the yolk dry up on the plate… A few seconds passed while Silver tried to piece his thoughts back together after my outburst. “…Just when did you become my parents up there? “Royal sleepover, royal sleepooooooveeeeerrrr!” Welp, that had just happened. -Remind me again how often you ponies break into unrehearsed musical numbers in the middle of the street? The crowd slowly dispersed from around the white unicorn who had somehow initiated a spontaneous choreography, while she herself went on her way while talking with a light yellow pegasus. No one seemed the least bit surprised or even bothered by the fact that they had all collectively and happily lost their shit as soon as one of them so much as uttered a single note. Not even the one mare who had dropped a fragile vase to join the chorus seemed to mind. --About twice a month, I think. Why? Don’t they have harmony spikes where you’re from? -And now I’m almost afraid to ask what those are. --Well, being an earth pony I don’t really understand all that much about it, but I’ve heard it’s this mostly random conjunction of harmony magic that happens sometimes in a sort of huge surge of coordination for any group of ponies that happen to be in its path. I can’t really explain it, you know. It’s… we just get filled with harmony magic and then we just sort of …let it out. Usually by song and dance. …It actually does sound pretty weird when you think about it. -And just when I thought I couldn’t get any closer to the edge of madness! Oh, what joy! --It’s not that bad, really. You get used to it. Well, if he thought I planned to stay here long enough for that, Silver had another thing coming. Hopefully I’d get to leave soon anyway, seeing as we were already on our way to meet someone who might finally shed some light on the problem. Or we would have been there minutes ago if we hadn’t just been stopped by a flash mob singing about pillow fights and makeovers. This stupid world, I swear… Anyway, the rest of the way was thankfully devoid of any other random musical performances and we finally arrived at the awesome treehouse. It turned out our breakfast ended right on time to get to the library at nine, more or less a few minutes. Well, a little past nine now thanks to the crazy magic in the way. Silver swallowed nervously, hesitating a few inches from the door. -You’re not going to chicken out, are you? --No, no, I’m just… wondering how I’m supposed to explain this. -Just go with a step by step account of everything that happened since yesterday, flat and simple. --Okay, I’ll try… And with that, he knocked on the door. A couple of voices could almost immediately be heard, thanks to the now-creepily-familiar movement of our mobile ears. One of the voices was drawing closer, and I soon recognized it. “Hello, what can… oh, it’s you, uhh, hi?” said the small purple-and-green lizard kid, who seemed to grow a little embarrassed when he saw us after opening the door. “Spike? Who is it?” Another voice called out from inside, this one clearly belonging to a female. The door began to glow and slipped out of Spike’s hand-claw-thing to open as the voice continued asking questions. “Is this one of the ponies you turned away yesterday?” -Oh, so this one’s theme is purple, I see. The light-purple unicorn motioned for Silver to step inside as she greeted him. “Come in! You’re Silver… Spring, right?” He barely had time to nod before she went off again. “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there yesterday, I… guess I over-reacted, heh-heh.” She scratched the back of her head with a hoof, trying to hide her embarrassment with a smile that quickly faded as she turned to the Spike lizard-thing. The little guy suddenly looked away. “Well, Spike?” the apparently-bossy mare asked. “Isn’t there anything you’d like to say to the poor stallion who made the mistake of expecting a public library to be open to the public?” The young dude became fascinated by the ground, clutching his arms behind his back. “I’m sorry,” he said, kicking at the ground and generally looking far from meaning it. -What is she, his mom? Take it easy on him, it wasn’t that bad. The pony glared at him for a moment before gently muttering “Good enough, I suppose. Now get back to your chores, please.” The awesome lizard boy thing quickly obliged, walking away while grumbling things neither of us managed to hear properly. The two ponies in the room watched him go, soon disappearing in another room. “Well, now that that’s settled, uh… in a way, what can I do for you?” The mare turned back to face Silver as she asked, a bright smile replacing the stern expression she’d used on Spike in an instant. Well, finally. Time to get some answers, some kind of fucking expert on the case if she was really all of what Silver had cracked her up to be. It was pretty easy to assume she was the fabled ‘Twilight Sparkle’, mystical problem-solving sage of the local community. Even if I had lacked the brainpower to associate this new face who had mentioned being absent yesterday with the one we’d come looking for already, Silver’s brain itself was fairly adamant about making me feel as though I’d already seen her before. -It feels so weird to recognize a face you’ve never seen. …Anyway, yeah, go ahead and spill the beans, buddy. The unicorn seemed just as eager to hear it, considering Silver still hadn’t answered after three whole seconds. Come to think of it, his heartbeat was slowly rising, about as fast as the sweat formed around his head. The ‘I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-a-smile’ simulated smile product was once again gracing our mouth, apparently enough to incite unease in the face we were looking at just before Silver finally managed to get a word out. “I…” --“There’s this guy in my mind and I want him to come out but I don’t know how.” --“Oh, well good for you, Silver Spring! I’m not really an expert on this, but I’m sure I have a few books about dating stallions around here somewhere. Are you sure he really… uh, swings that way though?” -Of course if you phrase it like that she’s going to get the wrong impression! “I Need…” --“Oh hey national hero Twilight Sparkle, I’m currently hearing voices! Can you help?” --Twilight Sparkle immediately proceeds to sic the police on me. -That’s not going to happen you idiot! “Do…” --“There’s an alien in my head right now and he keeps-“ --“Ooh, an alien? Does it hurt? Did it leave an entry wound? How many legs does it have? Ooooh, a real alien monster! I’ve always wanted to experiment on one of those! Follow me to the basement. That’s an order…” -Oh come on! He worked our jaw wordlessly for a moment, increasingly ridiculous scenarios playing in his mind despite my protests and my attempts to reassure him that Twilight wasn’t going to dissect us on the kitchen table. She looked like she was also getting nervous, the fakeness of Silver’s smile having spread to hers. -You’re not seriously going to chicken out on this, right? “Do… You… Have… any… uh, books on psychology?” -WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? “Oh, sure,” said the purple unicorn, visibly relieved to have an excuse to break eye contact. “Any subject you need in particular?” She began listing fields of psychology while using her magic horn to pull several books from various shelves. “Biological psychology, clinical, cognitive, animal, developmental, educational psychology? Common racial patterns, harmonic resonance and its effects on the standard psyche? Lists of common mental illnesses? I think we have a fascinating comparative encyclopedia of equestrian myths and legends and how they relate to common traits of the general population, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Spike! Did you move ‘the mentality of myths and mysteries’ somewhere?” The purple unicorn turned back to us, looking at us with her freakishly purple eyes while holding about a dozen books in her weird magic telekinesis. “So… which one do you want? Is there anything in particular you’re looking for? -Nothing! You don’t need those stupid goddamn books! Just tell her about me! “I… I’ll take them all, if you don’t mind.” “Oh, a sudden inspiration for a new field of study? I know that feeling all too well. Hmm, you don’t have saddlebags, though. That might be a problem, unless… aha! There.” Twilight looked around the place for a moment before opening the door of a nearby closet and pulling out what looked like a belt, which she used to strap all the books together in a single pile that she gently lowered on our back. -Fucking tell her about me! She led us to the check-out counter, where she took note of every book Silver was borrowing before making him sign the form. Silver did so without so much as beginning to comply with my deliriously reasonable demands. -YOU fucking damn fucking TELL HER! “Any reason why you’re suddenly so interested in psychology?” She asked while following us to the door. -Yes, there’s this human trapped in my head and I’m just a motherfucking idiot who still thinks it might be a delusion, apparently? “Oh, you know, I guess it sounds… fun?” he answered through the slowly increasing pain of maintaining his fake smile despite my boiling fury coursing through his brain. “Hm, yes, I suppose it does,” the mare replied as we stepped outside. “Well, I’m glad I could help you! Come back anytime!” -Open your goddamn mouth and tell her I exist! Tell her! TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER! The door slowly swung closed, uneasy smiles on everyone’s faces. I think I saw the unicorn’s expression shift to a slight frown just before she disappeared from view, but I wasn’t really paying attention. The door finally clicked into place, and my anger was immediately assaulted by a powerful feeling of relief coupled with crushing, bitter disappointment. -You stupid worthless piece of fucking shit. Silver hung our head, closing his eyes in growing shame. --I’m sorry! I couldn’t do it! I can’t just go and tell a national hero that I’m hearing a voice inside my head! She’ll think I’m insane! -Who the fuck cares about what you look like or what she thinks of you! You’re not actually insane and there are ways to prove it! I don’t give a flying fuck about your reputation you asshole, turn right the fuck around and tell her about this bullshit! --I can’t! Not right now, okay? I can’t deal with this stress right now, I think I’m going to be sick… I tried to gently convince him for a few more moments while he worked on lowering his stupid blood pressure, but I could feel he wasn’t going to be ready anytime soon like the coward he was. -Bok-bok bokaaww! --Stop that! -That wasn’t me, it was that chicken over there. He looked up to see just what the hell I was talking about. Aside from three young ponies in matching red capes passing by while chatting excitedly, the surrounding area was pretty much empty. --I don’t see any chickens here. -Are you sure? ‘cause I swear I saw a huge brown one standing right above your hooves just a minute ago. --Huh? To my supreme delight he actually looked down at his hooves, immediately noticing the fact that he himself was brown and standing above them. I proceeded to mentally laugh my ass off while he blushed furiously for falling so easily for my prank. Damn it’s so weird to be both deeply humiliated and mirthful at once. “It’s not funny!” he practically yelled, a mistake that I was just about to rub in his face as well because I didn’t much care for his ego at the moment. Someone else spoke up first instead. “Oh, uh, if you say so, sir.” The soft, whisper-like voice startled Silver about as much as a cannon would have, and his head whipped around to it’s source. A yellow pegasus, almost hiding behind her long pink mane, was looking at us with a scared expression. She looked familiar too for some reason. Silver’s heart rate soared right back up to where it had been a few moments prior. “I… uh, I mean, I just…” Silver stammered in response, suddenly just as scared as the new pony seemed to be. She had taken a trembling step back, and almost jumped into a nearby bush when Silver decided to just give up coming up with an excuse and suddenly sprinted away. “I have to go!” was all he could think to say as we ran away from the terrified mare. Oh, wow. Look out, world! Silver Spring, paragon of courage, coming through! Oh boy, was I glad that my second day here was starting just as well as the first! As we ran back home, the stack of books balanced on our back, my main thought was an overwhelming sense of disappointment, and the very reasonable opinion that: -I hate this world and everyone who lives in it.