"She's in there for four hours now Trusty, don't you think we should check if everything is alright?"
Trusty glared at the guard who suggested that. She knew that it has been four hours. She had done nothing else than counting the minutes watching her pocket watch, since the princess went in the gala room.
"Princess Celestia gave specific orders not to be disturbed and I intent to follow that order. Besides we didn't go in there, when the liquor started leaking under the door cracks. So why should we now?"
But despite saying that, Trusty was getting nervous. Soon it would be time to lower the sun and there was no sign that the ruckus inside the gala room would end anytime soon.
They had heard glass shatter, furniture topple and at more than one occasion a bellowing laughter, followed by a hiccup or a hearty burp. Trusty cringed from the mental image of Princess Celestia doing such a thing.
As soon as her Highness goes to bed, she planned on speaking with Princess Luna about this. She is her sister after all, that means she should know what to make out of this behaviour.
Deep in thoughts, she didn't notice the sudden silence from the gala room and the two stationed guards turning their heads to the door. That they noticed in time, was the only reason that they didn't get squashed to mush as the doors bursted open with force.
Trusty spun around in fright and watched Princess Celestia walk out of the gala room.
At least she thought that this is Princess Celestia from the horn and wings.
Frank was covered from head to tail in stains, grime and crumbs. His belly seemed larger, no doubt filled to the brim with food and beverages. The stench of booze surrounded him like a cloud, so thick you could literally taste it.
To Trusty's horror she even could see some chicken bones in Frank's mane and a pig head stabbed on his horn, wiggeling as he walked towards them.
Or better said wobbled like a newborn foal.
"Your Highness, I am so glad to see you..."
"WHERE IS BEST PONY?" roared Frank and pressed his snout into hers, which had the comical effect of the impaled pig head also looking down on Trusty from above.
Trusty backed up and her eyes started watering from the alcoholic fumes, coming from Frank's breath. "Where is who?"
Frank took a deep breath through his mouth and nostrils while rearing back, before pushing his snout into hers again.
"DON'T YOU LIE TO ME! TELL ME WHERE LULU IS, BEFORE I KICK YOUR FLANK PUNK!"
Trusty blasted away from the Royal Canterlot Voice and landed in the nearest bush.
"Lulu? Who could that... do you mean your sister Princess Luna?" said Trusty rubbing her ringing ears.
Frank grimaced in annoyance. "Of course her, who else could be best pony? Twist? *blegh* hate that filly!"
Trusty, finally able to free herself out of the bush, trotted slowly closer trying not to upset the drunken monarch any further. "Your sister is resting in her chambers as usual your Highness, she will get up when it's time to raise the moon"
Frank narrowed his eyes to slits and rubbed his chin with a hoof, giving Trusty an inquisitive look. "I am inclined to believe you, but I am afraid my friend Mr. Piggy here needs more to be convinced"
To further prove his point he wiggled the pig head around making noises.
"That's a very good idea Mr. Piggy, while I check the truthfulness of her claim you can stay here and keep an eye on her!" said Frank looking up to the pig head.
And without further warning Frank levitated the pig head of his horn and impaled it on the horn of Trusty, who froze in shock. "I'll be back Trusty. Don't try anything funny. Mr. Piggy will tell me. Guards!"
"Yes your Highness!" said the two horrified guard ponies shaking in their armor.
Frank sat down on his haunches, clopping his hooves together. Then he spread them, like he wanted a hug.
"Carry me to Lunas chambers, your gracious princess feels to drunk to walk on her own!"
The guards looked at each other, before closing in on Frank and lifting the huge alicorn on their backs like a sack of potatoes. Almost breaking their hips in the process.
"Wheee, onwards my nobles steeds to victory! But wait, I almost forgot!" said Frank, pointing his head to the gala room and lighting up his horn.
A huge bottle floated from the gala room into his hooves and he hugged it like a newborn foal.
"One for the way. Now onward to great justice!"
A few minutes later...
Lunas royal chambers were wrapped in almost complete darkness with the large blue curtains drawn shut. Only two little vanilla scent candles were lit. There in a obscenely large bed, was Princess Luna snuggled between black silk beedsheets dotted with silver stars and moons sleeping peacefully.
She was always a deep sleeper, what came naturally with her second profession as guardian of dreams. That was also the reason, she didn't wake up from the loud noise of two guards collapsing outside her chambers. Or when her door opened slowly and a large alicorn shaped shadow began creeping beside her bed and watching her gleefully.
She also didn't wake up when said shadowy form climbed onto the bed and towered over her.
"Damn she is even sexier in real life, I mean look at that face and here I am in the body of her goddamn sister! Life can be so cruel!"
Frank getting agitated started poking her with his hoof. Between pokes he took, huge sips from the levitating bottle beside him.
Luna turned, swatting his hoof away and smacked her lips.
This time Luna put her pillow over her head groaning.
"Hey sister it's your sister. Lets go bowling!" said Frank in a thick russian accent.
Resigning with the fact that ignoring was no longer an option and slightly confused, she slowly lifted the pillow from her head and stared blearily into the eyes of her sister. "What... what is it? Sister? What do you want?"
Frank lowered himself on her, putting his face mere inches away from hers. A horrid stench of alcohol, grease and burned meat filled Luna's nostrils, making her shudder and cringe in disgust.
"Did I ever tell you how pretty you are? Because you totally are, I mean seriously if we were not related I would totally hump you right now!"
After this he breathed out heavily, hitting Luna full force with another cloud of stench. Then he wobbly got up from her and took another large sip from the bottle, emptying it. After a loud burp he threw it with full force at the wall.
"Maseltov!" he said rearing up and falling backwards off the bed, now lying on his back.
Luna now wide awake, jumped out of her bed and opened the curtain with her magic. And instantly took a step back at what she saw. There on the ground spinning in circles was her sister making train noises.
"Sister what is the meaning of this? Stop this at once! And why do you look like as if you slept in the garbage can?"
Frank instantly stopped and looked up at her with teary eyes and lip quivering. "Are you calling me garbage? Am I ugly? Do I repulse you?"
He started wailing and rolling on the floor, staining the carpet with tears and snot coming out his snout.
"What! No of course not! Tia this is not what I meant! Are you drunk?"
"Oh woe is me, my own blood hates me, might as well jump off and end it!" said Frank, stumbling to his hooves and reeling to the balcony door.
Luna hurried after Frank. "Tia get back here!"
Frank was hanging on the balcony railing. He tried to haul his whole body over it and was failing miserably. Luna would have laughed, if the scene weren't so sad to watch.
"No don't stop me! Life is not worth living anymore when best pony hates you!"
He now somehow managed to climb on completely, balancing like a trapeze artist.
"I don't know what that means Tia, but please stop this I do everything you want!" said Luna and got slowly closer to Frank.
Frank stood still. "Everything? Can I call you Lulu?"
"Why would you want to..." Luna started saying before she saw Frank taking a divers pose," Fine, fine Lulu it is but not in public, please now get back inside before somepony sees you!"
"I want your pillow too"
"Cause you don't love me, if you don't give it to me and it smells like you!" Frank pouted.
Luna's left eye twitched in irritation. She was tired and grumpy, after being woken up by her drunk out of her mind sister and had no patience for this nonsense. If she wanted to be immature, fine so be it!
"This is ridiculous, your way out of line here"
"I am the princess you have to do what I say!" said Frank stomping with his hoof.
Luna deadpanned. "Well tough luck I'm a princess too, so you can't tell me to do squat!"
"But I am older than you Lulu!"
"Doesn't matter you don't get the pillow. I like it and it's mine!"
Grimacing, Frank took a divers pose again. "I'm gonna jump Lulu!"
In defiance Luna sat down crossing her hooves. "Fine do it, see if I care!"
"I am serious I will jump if you.. woah!" At this moment Frank slipped and tumbled over the railing.
"Tia!" screamed Luna, running to the edge and was terrified from the prospect, of finding her sisters broken body below her balcony. But there she was, hanging on with one hoof and her face twisted in a mixture of fear and rage.
"Oh good god Luna, please don't let me die! Help me!"
"Hold on take my hoof, I pull you up!"
With excessive amount of effort, Luna finally managed to pull Frank onto the balcony and he hugged Luna while at the same time showering her with kisses.
"Oh, I was so scared Luna. You are my hero!"
"Get off me! Stop that! Hey no licking!" Luna gasped, trying to wiggle out of his embrace.
Frank stopped and looked deep into her eyes. He didn't blink or move, only watching her with a large grin on his face. Luna felt a connection with her sister, that she hasn't felt a long time.
The face her sister is making right now, wasn't the regal and divine expression she was used to. Luna loved her sister, but even she was sometimes in the past humbled by her presence and felt inferior. To the ponies of Equestria, Princess Celestia wasn't a pony but a symbol.
Celestia had no failings. She was always right and loved everypony equally and nopony especially.
Not even her little sister.
That is how Luna felt deep down about her sister. In no other circumstance this became more clear than her banishment to the moon. Of course she knew that ultimately she left her sister no other choice, but nonetheless grew sad everytime she thought about how easy Celestia choose total strangers over her own family. All for the sake of everypony.
But now something was different. The way she looked at her and sat there clumsily, trying not to topple over. The godawful smell coming from her breath and coat. The unrational behaviour and mood swings. Every single one of those things, wasn't something Princess Celestia the symbol would do. This was something normal ponies would do. Ponies with flaws and weaknesses. Ponies who done things in the past they regret.
Ponies like Luna.
This thought brought a smile to her face. Not a full-blown toothy grin like her sister had, but a small one, born of the new feeling of closeness to her sister.
And then Frank puked her in the face.
"Heh funny, I don't remeber eating chicken... ooh bacon bits yummy!"
" She spent how much on this!?"
Luna and Trusty stood in the broken remains of the gala room. A place where countless monumental events of high society took place through history. Banquetts, weddings, galas, even several coronations. This place had seen them all.
And now they could barely get it to liveable conditions again.
Everything was smashed, squashed, spilled, stained, soiled, soaked, ripped , smeared, charred or otherwise damaged. The floor, the walls and even the ceiling. Nothing was free of damage. You had to try hard to find a single clean spot.
"As I said Princess Luna, Princess Celestia ordered all of this for her personal usage and no other company was present during the four hour stay in here"
Luna carefully trod through the giant piles of leftover scraps and empty bottles, stopping in front of a row of a dozen empty barrels. They were bonedry, as if somepony licked up every single drop.
"This is insane, even with her alicorn stomach she couldn't have the room for all of this. Where did she put all this stuff?"
Her question was answered, when she stepped into something which looked eerily familiar to the substance she was washing out of her mane and coat half an hour ago.
And it was all over the gala room.
"Excessively overindulging until you throw up and then start all over again, real classy sister," said Luna to herself while wiping her hoof on a tablecloth.
Trusty stepped beside Luna. "Your Highness what do you think is wrong with Princess Celestia? Why would she behave like that?"
Looking at Trusty she was about to say something, but then paused and lifted an eyebrow. "Before I answer your question, why exactly do you have the head of a pig impaled on your horn?"
"His name is Mr. Piggy"
The look Luna gave Trusty, told her that she expected more of an answer.
"Your sister gave it that name and she threatened with capital punishment, if I were to remove him from my horn and get away from his watchful gaze"
Luna deadpanned. "Did she now?"
Giving the pighead a little poke with her hoof, Luna let it jiggle around a bit. "And you intent to keep it there until she says otherwise?"
"Yes your Highness!" Trusty saluted with her right hoof, smacking the pig head.
Luna cringed, but quickly regained her composure.
"Huh, well to answer your question my sister was never a huge drinker in all her life. In fact, I've never seen her drink at all, so that would explain the loss of self-control. But why she decided to indulge like this in the first place, I have no idea"
Trustys gaze hardened. "It all started this morning during the morning council. She dozed of through half of the meeting"
Luna had to snicker picturing her sister snoring on her throne. "Having attended some of those meetings this seems not unusual to me. Somewhat rude, but understandable"
"Well yes your Highness it is, but as soon as I woke her up she started shaking her butt at the council members and doing hoofstands for them!"
A heavy sigh escaped Luna's lips and a look on the large clock on the wall told her, that it was almost time to lower the sun and raise the moon. "Be that as it may, but I am afraid until at least tomorrow we won't get any answers from my sister, with her being knocked out as a light. But for now I must leave to fulfill our sisters duties"
"Very well your Highness"
That said Luna turned to walk out the entrance, but before trespassing the doorstep she stopped for a moment.
"Oh, and Trusty?"
"Yes, your Highness?"
"I hereby declare Mr. Piggy an enemy of the state, so as of now he is officially banished from Equestria and your head"
Hearing this the face of Trusty lit up and she saluted, smacking the pig head again.
"Yes your Highness! Thank you, your Highness!"
"Sometimes I wonder, if they all would just turn blue and die, the second we tell them breathing is illegal now," Luna mumbled to herself, while leaving the premise.
Some time later in the dream landscape of a certain purple princess...
A large stadium, filled to the brim with ponies. Thousands of them sitting in their seats, filling the air with impatient murmur, all wating for the huge event to start. The audience silenced, when the lights went out and a single spotlight in the middle of the stadium illuminated a middle aged blue unicorn. He had a coifed brown mane and a moustache, wearing a matching tweed jacket. He materialized a microphone into his hoof.
"And now for our national spelling bee championship, we are happy to announce the reigning champion. The lady of literacy, the grandmistress of grammar, the paragon of punctuation, ladies and gentlecolts we present Princess Twilight Sparkle!"
In a large flash of blinding light and white smoke, Twilight Sparkle appeared beside the announcer pony. She wore a large cape with stars and a pointy wizzard hat. Twilight took the microphone from the announcer and pointed at the crowd surrounding her.
"Thank you Equestria! Are you ready to be educated?"
"Yes we are! Teach us your Highness!" roared the crowd.
Twilight reared up, only standing on her hindlegs. "I can't hear you! Raise you hooves and let me hear your answer! Who am I?"
"Best princess! Best princess! Best princess!" chanted the crowd stomping in rhythm.
Satisfied she gave the microphone back to the announcer, who put his hoof on her shoulder.
"Princess Sparkle, you beaten all your oponents and became a source of inspiration for colts and fillies all over the world. Now what is left for you to do, is to spell one last round of words from our guest of honor!"
The smile on Twilight's face lessened a bit and a table with a single seat appeared on the stage.
That's not how this dream usually went. At this point she got the last question, won every book in existence and started making out with the announcer, who turned into a weird mix of her brother and that new guard named Flash Sentry.
The mental implications of that was not lost to her, but she choose to ignore it for the sake of her own sanity.
All the more she was confused when instead, the entrance hall doors opened and a large figure entered the stadum, while the announcer started to speak again.
"Ladies and gentlecolts, we are happy to announce the second best alicorn. Princess Celestia!"
"What!?" screamed Twilight.
The crowd erupted in boos and whistles, some were even throwing their drinks or autographed copies of Twilight Sparkle's bestseller "Why being a egghead is cool" at her.
The walking figure of Princess Celestia seemed confused at first, but then continued walking down the aisle to the stage. This was accompanied by several shouts from the crowd.
"Boo you suck old fart!"
"Down with the Sun Butt! She looks so fat how can she even move?"
"Princess Sparkle is so much smarter and prettier than you, you ugly mule!"
Meanwhile Twilight was close to having a heart attack. "Oh my god you ponies, shut the hell up! Are you trying to kill me?"
A large stallion in the crowd with a Twilight Sparkle baseball cap, stood up.
"No need for modesty Princess Sparkle, she is no match for your greatness! Go back fornicating with your socially awkward retard sister you lardass!"
Twilight paled. "Shut up! Shut up! You are ruining me!"
At this point the crowd started chanting and stomping in rhythm again.
"Princess Lardass! Dum dum bam bam! Princess Lardass!"
Cold unrelenting despair took hold of Twilight, when Princess Celestia stopped right before her at the table. But then she smiled and took a seat besides the announcer, seemingly unfazed by all of this.
Maybe she was lucky Twilight thought, maybe this version of Princess Celestia was also just part of her dream and she dodged the bullet on this one.
"Interesting dream you have here Twilight,” said Frank glancing around, ”I especially like the hoof-drawn banners in the crowd, very festive. Is that supposed to be me? My flank is not that huge or is it?"
No such luck for Twilight.
"Oh Princess Celestia, I am so sorry I can't control it! I am trying really hard to wake up!" Twilight wailed furiously bopping her head.
Frank leaned back in his chair, folding his hooves. "No no no dear Twilight, now that I am here we might as well end this dream properly. Don't you think?"
Twilight was confused. "Princess?"
"First word!” said Frank smacking the table with his hooves, “please spell the word retribution"
Twilight gulped. "Could you use it in a sentence?"
"Very well! Once this is over my retribution will know no bounds"
Twilight twiched. "Retribution. R, E, T, R, I, B, U, T, I, O, N. Retribution"
"That is correct!" said the announcer stomping excited with his hooves.
The crowd roared and exploded in cheers.
"Yes, that is our princess!"
"Off with the head of the incompetent sun monarch!"
"Rip of her horn and shove it down her sisters throat! Let her choke on it!"
Twilight covered her eyes, cowering on the floor. Frank turned to the crowd and blinked a few times, before turning back to Twilight.
"Wow, that's dark. Talk about hidden resentment, sheesh Twilight!"
"I don't mean it! This is all a big misunderstanding!"
"Sure it is,” said Frank in a monotone voice, “The next word is misery"
"Can I get that in a sentence?"
"Of course my priced pupil! When I am through with you, you will beg me to put you out of your misery"
"Eeep!” squeaked Twilight, doing her best Fluttershy impression, “mi... misery. M, I, S, E, R, Y. That's how you spell misery"
Once again the crowd erupted into cheers.
"Nice try Lardass!” said the stallion with the hat from before, “why don't you go back to Retardville where you.... .aaaaaaaahhhhh!"
The cheers stopped when the shouting dream stallion suddenly combusted into flames and his flesh started to melt from his skeleton, until nothing but ash and his hat remained of him.
Dead silence followed.
"I think thats enough of you thank you very much," said Frank blowing his now fuming horn, "last word Twilight are you ready?"
Twilight was only able to nod slowly, still horrified from this display of violence.
"Please spell the word vengeance. Do you want a sentence with it?"
"No, I'm good," said Twilight in high pitched whisper.
"But I insist. It would only be fair, wouldn't it?"
Twilight silently nodded, not daring to disagree.
"ahem, well here it goes”
Frank took a huge breath and in a low, but menacing voice said,
“I don't know when. I don't know where. If you are looking for specifics, I can tell you I don't have any at this moment. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you. Don't try to run or hide, for I will look for you, I will find you, and when I do..."
Frank stood up from the table and was now face to face with her.
"Vengeance shall be mine!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" screamed Twilight, before the dream and the stadium around her collapsed into itself.
Lunas Bedchamber in the morning...
"That was fun, but the mare has serious issues"
Groggily opening his eyes Frank noticed, that he was in a room who was not familiar to him.
"The moon decor is a dead give away though, ...urg my head"
Frank was ready to sink back into a deep state of semi unconsciousness and painless bliss, when the first rays of sunlight lightly grazed his eyes through the windows.
Considering his epic hangover, that was the equivalent of getting shot in the head with a shotgun.
And he would have none of that.
"Back to the shadows where you belong you burning, gaseous ball of misery," mumbled Frank pointing at the offending celestial body with his horn and yet again instinctively knew the right spell. And like on command the sun just sunk back from where it came, leaving a satisfied Frank to sink himself back into the the soft sanctuary of the pillows.
But like a nosy neighbour looking over a fence, the offending object started to peek over of the horizon again this time with greater speed and force. Frank glared out of his left eye.
"You shall not pass!"
Again the sun vanished behind the horizon, leaving the world in darkness and Frank really hoped it would stay down this time, because at this point he would rapidly run out of movie quotes and patience.
The third time it rose like fired out of a gun and Frank was pretty sure, that at six in the morning the sun shouldn't already be on the halfway point.
"TIA WE SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS DEAR TO US, IF YOU TOUCH IT AGAIN WE WILL SMITE THEE!!"
Groaning in defeat before the might of the Royal Canterlot voice of Luna, echoing through the whole castle, he closed the curtains of the room and curled up in ball.
"Should have done that in first place... well c'est la vie"