Friendship sucked. I don’t know why I agreed to be friends with these ponies and do things for them.
“It burns!” said Rarity from the front of the airship.
“Didn’t you put on sunscreen this morning?” I shouted over the noise of the engine.
“I’m talking about my eyes!”
“Don’t you have sunglasses?”
“None fashionable enough to be seen in Canterlot!”
We here headed there to pick up Spike from the hospital. Thanks to his ironclad dragon stomach, eating too many donuts had only caused him to be sick enough for an overnight stay.
“Since we’re going to Canterlot,” I said, “why don’t we pay Blueblood a visit and kill him? Maybe getting rid of him will de-vampirize you.”
“But what if it doesn’t? I don’t think I could live with the disappointment.”
“I don’t think I could live with you sucking blood.”
“It’s a problem, isn’t it?”
That morning, she’d asked for my help. “I remember you talking about meat before,” she’d said. “I’ve got this strange…hunger.”
I took her to the Everfree Forest before the sun rose. She’d nailed a sleepy rabbit.
“Oh, it tastes simply divine!”
“Doesn’t the whole ‘Oh Celestia, I killed a cute bunny’ thing give you pause?” I asked.
She frowned and pushed the limp body away. “I think I’ve lost my appetite.” Her eyes widened. “Why did I even have an appetite? This is wrong!”
I was glad to see that she was resisting turning into a monster. Made my job easier.
“Anyway,” she said, sitting in the front of the airship, “perhaps Twilight knows something about this.”
“I thought you wanted it kept secret.”
“You live in a library, dear. It shouldn’t be hard to find something without arousing suspicion.”
I landed the airship in the courtyard of the castle. Celestia had given me permission to do so, as it was the only large flat space close to the center of the city.
“Don’t scratch it,” I said, tossing keys to a guard. “It’s worth more than your life.” Rarity and I walked to the castle gate.
“You go get Spike. Please try not to nibble on any hospital patients while you’re there. I’m going to go look for Blueblood.”
“Do be careful, Valiant, please.” She donned a large hat.
“Don’t worry.” I showed her the stake I’d carved.
We parted ways. I went up to where I thought Blueblood lived. I asked a couple of guards where he might be found.
“He’s not here,” said one of them.
“Where did he go?”
“I’m not telling you.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“No.”
“Exactly. Obviously I’m not important, and you can tell me with no trouble. I’m good at keeping secrets.”
“Well, since you put it that way…no.”
I whapped him across the nose with my hoof. “Listen maggot—”
He and the other guard charged me. I jumped out of the way and began running.
If the Royal Guards had not been wearing their heavy armor, I’m sure they would have caught me easily. As it was, we circled the castle a couple of times before I found a door that led to the courtyard. Rarity and Spike were just coming in.
“Quick! Get in the Dirty Hooker!” I slipped the knots that held it to the ground and slammed my hoof down on the emergency power button.
The rockets fired and the airship sped out of the courtyard. We were safe.
“I thought you left the keys with that guard?” said Rarity.
“No, those were the keys to your boutique. I just wanted to look cool, so I had to toss him something and say a one-liner.”
She sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to get another set made.”
Back in Ponyville, I took Spike aside.
“I know you have a crush on Rarity, but you need to stay away from her for a while. She’s got some big changes going on in her life right now and she might bite your head off.”
His eyes widened. “Menopause?”
“Um. Yes, that’s right.”
“Maybe Twilight has a book about it.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll find it. I need to look for another book anyway.”
After searching around the library, I discovered what I was looking for: Mythical Creatures Not Myth, a Reference Guide. I opened to the “Vampire” page and began reading.
Twilight came in and glanced at the book. “Interesting subject.”
“You have no idea.”
“I wanted to talk with you about your problems.”
“Which ones?”
“I heard that you didn’t meet your real father.”
“What? Who told you that?”
“One of the waiters at the restaurant. I’m sorry for you.”
“I’m still not sure whether I wanted my 'dad' to be legit or not.”
“Well, we’re back to square one. You’re either insane or human.”
“From my perspective, you’re either a dream or a skeptic.”
“Do you still want to kill me?”
“Yes.”
“Why? Is it that important to you? Will you feel better?”
“I…don’t know.”
“I consider you a friend, Valiant. Not a very good friend, to be sure, but I don’t want you to think that way. It can’t be good for you.” She turned to go upstairs.
Darn it, she was trying to guilt me into not killing her. Worse, she didn't believe I would do it. I had to move fast, I decided. I would prepare tonight, and put all my effort into the job tomorrow. Then we could finally be done with this. I’m sure Celestia and I could have a good laugh over it later.
Author note
You wanted a divergence from the actual storyline? How's that grab ya?
Up next: Discord!