Oh Hell No!

by Flint Sparks

Hayyy girls.

“Dayyuuum girl, you’ve got a fine-ass house AND a fine-ass business. You must be making real bank,” Lashona said as she plopped down on Rarity’s comfortable stool, sipping fresh tea. “So let me get this straight, sugar. Y’all magical talking horses are ponies living in Ponyville? Earth ponies are strong as hell, pegasi fly, and y’all unicorns can use magic and shit?”

“Er...That’s right, darling,” Rarity forced herself to say, her refined tastes conflicting with her hospitality. After their first encounter, they had agreed to slip Lashona into Carousel Boutique before anypony saw her. Rarity knew all about first impressions, and a new species would need the best first impression she could muster. As far as Rarity was concerned, considering that any other qualified pony was either too rambunctious or plain snobbish, Lashona was in the best possible hooves. Judging by her dialect, she was going to need it.

Lashona leaned back and sipped her tea again, deep in thought and going through Rarity’s brief lesson about her world. Magic, talking animals, and magical talking ponies. It was a lot to take in at first, but Lashona dealt with it. After all, she’s faced much worse. Bloodthirsty thugs, devil-empowered lawyers, and the American government. If she can face evil in the eye and win with sheer sass, then Equestria was a walk in the park. Besides, it’s just like driving a car. They both run on horsepower, after all. Right?


Lashona jerked in her seat, her clammy hands’ hold on the teacup somewhat shaking. Rarity frowned at her guest, concerned for the woman’s well-being. Despite her strong and confident demeanor, her new surroundings and awakening had obviously shaken the woman. Considering the tips of her fingers were pale and chilled, there had been physical effects as well.

Lashona nodded, not knowing the question. “Y-yes..?”

Rarity sighed, rolled her head, and blew her mane out of her face before repeating herself. “I asked, if you weren’t affected by conditions that may or may not constitute a medical check-up in the near future to listen, if you believe you’re ready to meet with my friends and eventually all of Ponyville. If we’re going to get you back home, you need to be able to interact with Twilight and any other pony who can help. If you run around and frighten everypony without introducing yourself or cause chaos in general, explaining yourself to Princess Celestia may be somewhat difficult.”

Lashona nodded in confirmation. “I’m sure I got it, girl. What am I going to do? Punch the princess?”

Rarity rubbed her temples for a moment, warding off a headache. Afterwards, she fluttered her eyelids and smiled at her guest, ready for the test. “Okay, darling, let’s run through this one more time. Who are our sovereign and beloved rulers?”

Lashona smiled and nearly bounced in her seat. “I got this! Er… you’ve got that one princess that actually does stuff and seems pretty strong and independent, I’d say.”

“Yes…” Rarity blinked, somewhat hopeful her guest would have an inkling of the new world before she set out like a newborn foal.

“And then you have Princess Celestia!”

Quite uncharacteristic of her, Rarity facehoofed. Hard. “Ohmygosh…”

“What was that, sugar?”

“Nothing!” Rarity immediately perked up, saving face. She continued the quiz. “Remember, darling, which of my lovely friends is the most sensitive?”

Lashona set her empty teacup on Rarity’s flower-design table, contemplating a memory of her brief lesson. ‘Coat of butter yellow, her demeanor is quite mellow. Remember that, dear friend.’ Lashona furrowed her brow, remembering faint details in her memory. Wings… sensitive… pink- “Butterfly!”

Rarity placed a hoof on her forehead and took in a deep breath. Don’t worry Rarity, it’s only her fifth attempt. She’ll get it… eventually. “No darling, it’s Fluttershy. And Princess Luna is the other princess you were referring to.” She lowered her hoof and gaze, her eyes beginning to lose their usual sparkle. “Last, but not least, how do ponies feel about clothes?” Rarity tensed up, expecting another nonsensical answer like ‘Y’all nudists’ or ‘Ride like the wind and feel the breeze, amiright?’ 

The answer surprised her.

Lashona leaned against the table and ran a hand through her brown hair. “Well, ponies normally don’t wear clothes, right? Y’all have fur coats, after all. Actual clothes are more decorative. Am I right?”

Rarity’s heart skipped a beat as her mouth curved into a wide grin. “Yes! You’ve-”

“ ‘Cause let me tell you sister,” Lashona interrupted and waved a finger. “Dem Earth clothes are too damn expensive! Y’all ponies decorate with gems and shit and it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg!”

Rarity’s grin dropped into a weak smile. “Right… perhaps we should finish testing and finally meet my friends? We have a dimension to find and no time to lose!”

Lashona nodded and the two stood up from their stools, making their way to the front door. Lashona, finding the pony race to be friendly so far, felt anxiety accelerate through her nerves. It was like a buying a lottery ticket, except this would actually affect her future.

Rarity bit her lip as she pushed the door open with magic. Her mind tried to run like a racehorse, but she reigned it in. Have confidence, Rarity! What could possibly go wrong?

“Everything has gone wrong! Everything! Horribly! Wroooooongggg-g-g!” a distressed mare screamed as she held her cheeks in the middle of town, despair and folly destroying whatever remained of her waning spirit. Drained of her livelihood, the mare collapsed in a dead faint.

The town was in utter chaos. Ponies from fillies to stallions were crying for their mothers as each building went down in flames. A few injured ponies collapsed in exhaustion and their family members tried to drag them along, to no avail.

A filly wept as she nuzzled her still mother. “W-why is there a monster, mommy? Why is it hurting everypony? Why won’t you wake up!?”

Rarity stared at the sight, tears coming to her eyes. She brought up her hoof holding a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “So much emotion, so much sadness.”

“Yeah, this movie sucks!” Rainbow Dash heckled from the couch as the projector sputtered and played the reel. “I thought this was a monster flick! Not some soap opera!” she continued as a couple onscreen said their wedding vows just before a giant green grimy foot stomped down, crushing them. The projector sputtered and jerked, beginning to overheat.

Lashona whistled as the credits began to roll, the small fictional town completely destroyed by the giant radioactive monster born from mad science. “Wow, you ponies got everything! Magic, safe city streets, and fancy movie screens!” Sitting on a spare bean bag chair in the middle of the library, lights dimmed for the girls’ weekly movie marathon, Lashona had been invited to join in their little get-together. She clasped her hands and turned her body to face the group. “Damn, talk about an ice breaker! So y’all the ponies my homegirl Rarity’s been talking about?”

Twilight Sparkle, the bona fide leader, took initiative and nodded. “Indeed. We’re the best of friends, I don’t know where I’d be without them.” The other five nodded in agreement from their bean bag chairs with their own individual, warm smiles. Twilight rolled off her chair, walked up to Lashona, and extended a friendly hoof. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia and Ponyville’s librarian. Welcome to Equestria.”

Lashona grasped Twilight’s hoof and shook vigorously, rattling the pony half her height. “Thank you, thank you! I’m glad for your hospitality! Not many folk just meet a creepy-ass stranger and invite her to a movie! Hell, back in New York someone would’ve just stabbed me and taken my money!”

Twilight grinned, a slight blush rising. “Oh, of course we wouldn’t do that! If Rarity can trust you, so can we.”

Fluttershy peeked outside her mane, only somewhat intimidated by the new creature. “We’ve seen far creepier and scarier monsters. You’re much nicer, and sweet.” The human reminded her of a few chimpanzees she tended to once, except Lashona’s sass didn’t involve flinging… items around. Yes, Lashona was definitely a step up. If she was lucky, Lashona might let her brush her hair…

Lashona placed a hand on her chest and fawned. “Oh thaaaank you, sugar! My, aren’t you the sweetest thang? You’re a nice little pony yourself, girl. Wait.” Lashona stood up from her chair, forcing every pony to take a step back from their resting positions. Lashona folded her arms and scratched her chin. “Hm… sensitive, sweet, and butterfly cu… magical butt tattoo. You must be Butt-er, Fluttershy!”

Rarity internally cheered as Fluttershy and Lashona exchanged a few friendly lines. Phew, she passed one of the hardest tests. As long as Rainbow Dash or Applejack doesn’t give her a hard time-

“Now wait a minute, sugarcubes!” Applejack interrupted Rarity’s thoughts, pushing past Fluttershy to give Lashona a glaring look. “How can we know we should trust her?” She glanced at her friends, each beginning to shuffle ever so slightly. “A strange creature that comes out of nowhere, talks fancy and friendly, and just accepts everything she sees? Doesn’t that sound the least bit familiar?”

The other mares exchanged nervous glances, remembering Discord’s (near) betrayal to Fluttershy. They doubted Lashona was evil, but she did have a certain aura of character to her. To be fair, they had casually invited her to watch a movie out of politeness, so their xenophobia was somewhat out of place.

Rarity opened her mouth to defend her friend, but was pushed aside by Rainbow Dash. “Hey, you can’t just assume she’s some changeling mutant or something! If Rarity likes her, then why can’t we? She seems pretty cool.” Rainbow Dash flipped her mane and held out a hoof.

“Yeah girl!” Lashona wiggled her hip and bumped the hoof with a fist.

“And besides,” Rainbow Dash said as she poked Applejack in the chest. “We’ve fought, defeated, and reformed Nightmare Moon and Discord. And don’t even get me started on an entire changeling army!”

Lashona couldn’t help but choke. “What army? Y’all ponies have wars and shit too? What kinda military were you using?”

Rainbow Dash grinned and tilted her head. “None. It was just us fighting.”

“The six of you? Fighting? Against a whole damn army? And you won?”

Rainbow Dash nodded, her grin widening.

Dayyuummm! Y’all ponies must be made of steel or something!”

“Well, actually that’s magic,” Twilight informed, putting a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder. “But don't get us wrong, we don’t like fighting. We only had to do what’s necessary to protect Equestria. And we will do it again if it’s necessary, Lashona. Otherwise, you’re welcome here as a guest. We learned our lesson from Zecora and Discord, and we’re willing to hear you out.”

Lashona nodded. With Rarity’s help, she began to explain her situation…

“OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie Pie hopped around Lashona, excited after her tale. “That was so cool how he was like ‘I’m a big meanie!’ and you were like ‘Oh heck no!’ and slapped yourself into a new universe!” Pinkie stopped, her eyes narrowing in thought. “I hate lawyers! All they do is make money and do mean things to innocent ponies! I bet Sombra was a lawyer!”

“You tell them, girl!” Lashona agreed, having briefly exchanged greetings with the last, but not least member of the group.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Still mad about the restraining order?”

“YES!” Pinkie shouted, rubbing her fore-hooves together. “That meanie clown was a bully and a jerk and all I did was show him how to party! Filthy casuals…” Her mane began to lose it’s pink, but she shook her head and regained her positive demeanor. “But who cares about lawyers and clowns when we can throw a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for Lashona! OhmygoshIcan’twait to show everypony our new friend! She’s going to love it!”

Twilight looked up from the table and rolled up a piece of parchment with her magic. “I finished the letter, Lashona. As soon as Spike gets back from his appointment, we can send it to the princess. We’ll find you a way home in no time, I promise.”

“Thanks sugar.” Lashona looked down at Pinkie Pie, currently bouncing in place at her feet. Pinkie’s tail wagged in her excitement, reminding Lashona of her old pooch. An odd urge tingled at her fingertips. As much as she tried to lie to herself, Lashona knew she couldn’t resist for long. “Oh hell with it! Speakin’ of sugar, come here you little cutie!” She dived down to her knees and wrapped her arms around Pinkie. Frightened, the other mares jolted in their place, but relaxed as Lashona began stroking Pinkie’s mane and scratching behind the ears. Pinkie reciprocated the feeling, letting her tongue roll out in a heavy pant as her tail madly flailed about, her eyelids drooping and eyes rolling in sheer euphoria.

Applejack took off her stetson hat and placed it against her chest, a small smile forming on her face. Rainbow Dash strolled by and nudged her side. “Huh, whatcha think now?”

Applejack smiled and replaced her hat on her head. “I think I like her now.”

Lashona and Pinkie finally stopped rolling about, releasing each other from their affectionate holds. Pinkie panted and rolled onto her back while Lashona leaned on the table with her elbow.

“Whew girl, that was fun!” Lashona panted, turning to look at Twilight. “I don’t think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for me, I think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Lashona’ party!”

Pinkie Pie raised a inquisitive hoof. “Does that mean we have to play pin-the-tail-on-the-human?”

Lashona thought for a moment, thinking of a proper response. There was only one.

Oh hell no!”