Fluttershy's Private Book

(*CUTE LITTLE BUNNIES SHOULD NOT TOUCH!!!*)

(*THE SAME RULE APPLIES TO REFORMED DRACONEQUUSES*)

I don't really feel comfortable calling you a diary, since I might not talk to you every day. I-It's not that I don't feel like talking to you, it's just I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of talking about myself every day. Yet, I feel like it would be healthy for me to go over my feelings once in a while and not keep it bottled in. Besides, it would be a waste of such a nice gift from Pinkie if I didn't do something with you.

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I haven't really told you anything about me, have I? Well, my name is Fluttershy. I am a Pegasus pony that has recently moved to the town of Ponyville. I'm actually from Cloudsdale...well, not really, I just lived there a long time, whereas before, I...

I was actually born in a small town called New Neighland, where my dad worked to support me, my mom, and my foal sister. That was, until, the factory closed down after it was destroyed by a mysterious 'meteor.' All the town's fillies told stories that it was Nightmare Moon trying to get rid of my daddy, saying nasty things about my dad. My dad was actually a responsible member of the community, helping charities and always representing the weak at town meetings, but he was always stern about his morals to the other kid's parents, which upset them, which led to the kids taking it out on me.

They told, well...very scary and not appropriate stories for small fillies. It was those stories that started giving me nightmares and really made me a scardey cat.

After the factory closed, my dad had to move to Cloudsdale to find work. I didn't have any friends, so it didn't bother me (much) to leave New Neighland. Living in Cloudsdale...was the worst years of my life. I always chalk it down to the ancient Pegasus way of how 'the weak only live to serve the strong' and all the famines back in the day that forced the ancient Pegasus to get rid of any unhealthy foals. They grow them tough in Cloudsdale and if you aren't, you'll know soon enough. Regardless, that behavior deserves to be put to rest after a while...but I digress.

That taken into account, I tried to fit in, but Cloudsdale really wanted good fliers. Especially at summer flight camp. All the fillies used to make fun of me because I was years older than them at summer flight camp (I went every year until middle school). They weren't all there because they were bad fliers; some parents just couldn't supervise them or some were forced to go because of bad behavior (aka: most of my bullies). I guess the silver lining is that I got my cutie mark and met one of my very best friends, Rainbow Dash, an 'awesome' Pegasus that helped me deal with the bullies.

Luckily, Rainbow was there to deter them for the most part. However, she couldn't stop my love problems. Most ponies assume I never had, nor currently have, any sort of love life, but that wasn't always the case back then. There were many stallions who liked me (But not for the reasons I would've chosen) and I, unfortunately, gravitated to them because they made me feel special and wanted. Until, of course, I refused to um...play ball? I'm not sure how it goes anymore, but they left me when...relations...was out of the question. I was only in high school! How could they even think that I was that kind of mare! Oh and don't get me started on how they broke up with me and told everyone that they still got what they wanted!!! I need a minute! ... .... .... I digress. That, of course, led to many mares thinking I was a...whorse (sorry for the language). They added that to the list of insults they gave me until graduation day.

When I graduated and got the chance to live where I wanted, I headed to Ponyville. Not only was it was close enough to Cloudsdale to see my family, but I could also afford to live on the outskirts of town. My parents also got me a cute little bunny! I named him Angel because of how precious he is! I'm sure he'll like his new home here. Here in Ponyville, I can act as a mediator between the town and its wild animals, which is a big problem, but it's nothing I can't handle (Was that bragging? Sorry...I should ask Rainbow if that was bragging...Oh! Sorry!). Speaking of Rainbow, she just took an offer to become a lead weather pony in Ponyville, so we'll still be able to be friends! Yay!

It is still going to be very hard to fit in, but the welcome party Pinkie threw me (even if it was too loud) is one of the kindest gestures in my life. She even gave me a present, which turned out to be you. She said that she couldn't figure out what to get me, seeing as I was awfully quiet to her, and said if I ever did say something, I should write it down in you. At least, that's all I could understand before she went off on some tangent about furless, thunder monkeys and how too much exposition ruins stories and some people (?) should get on with it. I feel that even though she might confuse me, Pinkie is still a really good friend to have, and I hope she can be my friend for a bit longer. She also introduced me to a pony named Rarity, who offered to take me to the spa as a gift. Rainbow also made some friends with a farmer named Applejack, when they challenged each other to an apple bobbing contest.

Well, that's all for now. I, uh, should go feed Angel. He's been trying to get my attention for a while and even took you away multiple times. He's a mischievous little bunny, but I'm sure he'll grow out of it. Bye!
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The Summer Sun Celebration is coming up really soon. It's supposed to be a beautiful festival where our princess, Princess Celestia, raises the sun. Ponyville has just been chosen to host the event and the Mayor has given me the task of delivering the music for the princess's arrival. Well, not really me, but my birdy friends. I'm still very nervous. What if she doesn't like them? What if she decides to yell at them or yawn? Oh they would be devastated and I won't be able to contain my sadness. I need to breathe! ...Okay. I'm calm now. Anyway, I should probably get the birds to start practicing. Especially Mr. Bluejay (or 'The Jay,' as he says), because he really needs to stay in line with the rest of the group...sorry!
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I just had the most wonderful day. I figure I would tell you about it before I went to the Summer Sun Celebration. You should've seen how the day went. Ponies were busy going left and right trying to prepare for the princess's arrival, well almost everyone. Rainbow is good enough at least to make up for it. Things were even more hectic when we got word that the princess had sent someone from Canterlot to review our progress and make sure we did everything alright. We were all so worried that we Ponyville ponies wouldn't be able to impress someone from Canterlot, especially me. Anyways, I was near my cottage, where no one could disturb our practice, when suddenly somepony said 'Hello!' That somepony turned out to be the Canterlot pony, and even more surprising, the student of Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle. She had accidentally frightened away my birds, but I'm sure she didn't mean it. I was so scared that she would judge me that I could barely speak (again) and I think I made her feel bad (I'll apologized at the party). However, before she left, I caught glimpse of her friend, a baby dragon named Spike.

Now, let me explain how I feel about dragons. I first found out about dragons when I began taking care of animals as a filly. It was on warm summer's day that I treated about several herds of animals for burns and they were simply covered with ash. I wondered what could have done such a thing. When I questioned my animal friends, they said that a dragon burned down their homes in the forest and that they used all their strength to get to safety. I researched and questioned what a dragon was exactly (Cloudsdale libraries are really unreliable) until I got a basic summary of what it was. I guess the image in my head made itself worse the more I thought about towering, fire-breathing, sharp-teethed, marenapping, carnivorous, magic resistant, flying, rock-devouring...I need to breathe! ... ... ... Okay. That was, until, I saw a picture of one in a history book and it was more terrifying than I even imagined. Every year, from then on, I would keep track of the newspaper's account of the latest dragon migration and did everything in my power to be as far away as possible. I always begged my parents if we could visit relatives or go on vacation just to never see a dragon for myself. I did, eventually, but that's for another time.

So, one would think I would be absolutely mortified to find myself face to face with one, right? At least, I hope you've been paying attention and would think so. In actuality, I wasn't scared in the slightest. Being a baby dragon, he was smaller than me, a mare, and he just had the cutest, chubbiest cheeks! More to the point, he could actually talk like a normal pony, with no hint of threats or hate in his speech. I'm not sure, but I think that facing my greatest fear and being able to actually be friends with him actually made me feel brave. I'm still feeling the rush and it just makes me so happy to be brave for once. Me! Fluttershy! When I met him, I mostly asked him about everything in his life and he was delighted to talk to me about it. Twilight came with us and I think she is very polite pony to not even interrupt us or anything. Maybe she is shy like me. Oh, I could show her all the routes to avoid the market and any other place that makes me feel uncomfortable! Finally, I'm not the only one! We could be SSSFF (Socially Shy Spectacular Friends Forever).

Anyways, I had gotten an invitation beforehoof to go to the library and greet a new pony in town. It seemed polite to do so, since I got the very same welcome. When I found out it was Twilight and Spike, I couldn't have been more excited! Maybe I'll be able to talk to them some more, I thought, and gain two new friends! Fluttershy is on a roll! Well, Twilight decided to go to bed early. Maybe she is a little shyer than even me! Yay! Oh, wait....I'm sorry, that's mean. Moving on, I saw Spike there and, still feeling 'the zone' (as Rainbow puts it), I went over to make small talk.

Now here's where he surprised me. He actually asked about me. He. Asked. About. Me. No stallion had ever really wanted to know me as much as, well ...get to know me. Also, I mean, don't get me wrong (please...) but Rainbow is the one that usually talks because I still find her too...too...awesome? So this was strange for me. You should have seen how awkward I was, trying to direct the conversation away from me. However, he said if I didn't feel like talking about me, I didn't have to. It was at that point I knew he was being sincere and I told him some of the same things I tell you, plus stories about my animals (I don't write those down because I want to save paper and more of my animal friend's homes). I actually had a really good time talking to him. He seemed to listen attentively and even related to me in some areas of my life. He told me how, being a dragon, not many of the 'snooty' Canterlot ponies would even treat him as a living creature. Now that was not okay in my book! Ah, not you, but my morals. Every creature deserves respect and care like ponies. Even...nice dragons. NICE dragons. But he also told me that Twilight never let it get to him and he still tried his very best to make friends, making friends with some guard ponies and castle staff. He said he had to learn a lot from the castle chef if he ever wanted anything BESIDES the boiled toast Twilight makes. Ha, he's a bit in touch with his feminine side, I see. Please don't tell him that!

Out of nowhere, Spike started scratching his back a lot. He heard I was a caretaker, of sorts, in Ponyville and asked if I could check out his back. I put on my professional face and obliged him. The only thing that seemed out of the ordinary was that a small spine was wiggling from his back. I told him this and he said it was a baby spine ready to be pulled out, much like foal teeth. He asked me if I could pull it out for him, and I just couldn't have let it disturb him for so long, so I did pull it out (gently). When I gave it back to him, he said that he read a dragon's baby spine symbolized a long life filled with fortune. He mumbled something about a gift for Rarity, but he shook his head and said I should have it because I helped him take it out.

At first, I insisted that he couldn't just give this gift to just a random nopony and he should keep it for himself. He looked tempted, but said that he wouldn't be giving it to some random nopony and that it was a sign of our new friendship. I couldn't argue with that because it made me feel so special that I scooped him up and gave him a quick hug before I realized I was making a fool of myself. I let him go and thanked him before I told him that I had to leave if I was going to get one last chance to practice with the birds before the celebration. I said my goodbyes to my friends and thanked Spike once more before I left.

Now I'm here in my cottage telling you this before I forget this feeling. I really should get going, but thanks for listening. Ooh, I can't wait for the celebration now! I sure nothing will be as bad as I thought!
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It wasn't as bad as I thought...IT WAS WORSE! You wouldn't believe it, but Nightmare Moon showed up at the celebration, with no Princess Celestia in sight! Ooh, it was so terrifying! What with her fangs and darkness and nightmares that just won't end! ... ... ... I decided to put my panic bag next to you from now on. I have to be honest; I was more scared in my life at that point than any other. It was as if all the teasing and nightmares from my fillyhood came rushing back and all I wanted to do was go home and hug Angel bunny!

Anyways, the Royal guard had no idea what to do and the Mayor was just as lost. The only one who seemed to know anything was Twilight, who is definitely not a spy, by the way (I really need to talk about Rainbow's manners). She told us about the Elements of Harmony and how we could find them in the ...Everfree forest! My animal friends have told me so many bad things about the forest that I have never gone in the time I've lived here. Unfortunately, that's where the Elements were located, in the princess’s old castle, and Rainbow didn't want to leave our friends alone. I knew that if anyone could get through this, it was my friends, and they would help me too. Imagine when it turns out that I helped them too!

There was so many dangers in the forest that it was only through one another's help that we were able to pull through it. However, what really helped me stand up to one of my fillyhood monsters is that I held onto Spike spine like it was a good luck charm, remembering how it felt to be brave. I don't know if I could've handled it without my friends nor that extra piece of bravery. I really have to thank Spike and the girls.

It was so touching to see Princess Luna be free of Nightmare Moon and reunited with her sister. When we got back to Ponyville, we celebrated and reunited with our loved ones. Applejack with her family, Rarity with her parents and sister, me with my animals, Pinkie with...well everypony, and Twilight with Spike. From what I gather, Spike sees her as a sister or, at least, his best friend. Rainbow is too cool (or too proud) to show she loves anypony, but she was still very happy.

What's even better is that the Princess allowed Twilight to live in Ponyville and keep being our friend. Oh, this day may have started out terrible, but I feel so much better looking back on it! I'll tell you more as it comes, but for now, I really need to sleep.
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You wouldn't believe what Rarity and Spike got themselves into today. Spike was helping Rarity gather gems, again, when they got attacked by Diamond Dogs. Honestly, they should be more careful on the outskirts of Ponyville and I think Spike should ask for more than one measly gem for hours of work almost every other week. Ah well, I guess it's just because he is a real gentledrake.

Anyway, Rarity got kidnapped by Diamond Dogs and after many failed (and painful/embarrassing) attempts, it was Spike who thought of an idea. Faced with a tough situation, he sacrificed the only fruit of his labor to save Rarity. She might not appreciate it, but I for one am glad Spike is willing to do so much for his friends...

However, there was one strange thing that happened as he was using his gem as a fishing lure. It appears he was going off on some sort of daydream about being a hero, when all of sudden, he leaned in to kiss Applejack. Imagine our shock when he was almost about there, until Applejack stopped him. No need to make things awkward and mess with his feelings, right? I mean, what kind of pony would do such a thing?

...B-back to our attempt to save Rarity! We, uh, saved her. Well, Twilight used a spell to find gems that would lead us to her, as Spike suggested, and we found out Rarity didn't need our help. Apparently she could do things on her own, as a 'lady' should.

I just re-read what I wrote and feel I should say sorry for some reason. Ah well, my friend Rarity is back and we are going to the Spa next week. Hopefully that will soothe me by spending time with a good friend. Bye.
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...A pincushion? Really. Spike is my ... friend, but he should really know when to stop saying yes to Rarity all the time. It's not healthy to always do what someone else says. I know from experience...

Anyway, Rarity and I got into some crazy shenanigans today. A famous photographer named Photo Finish, came by and made me some sort of supermodel. To be honest, I hated being a model. Nopony ever gives you privacy and they are just waiting for you to mess up so they can laugh at you. All the time, staring, judging...panic bag! ...Hoo! I feel as if I'm getting braver with all the antics my friends have gone through. I don't use the bag half as much as I did before! Yay!

Fortunately, even if Rarity got me into modeling, she did the adult thing and confessed how she really felt. It was awfully nice of her to sacrifice her pride/happiness just for my sake. She really is the most generous pony in Ponyville. Although, I hope not in the way the walls in the outhouses say...sorry!

P.S.: Spike has a crush on Rarity. I mean, it's no secret, but I heard Twilight burst it out when we were only a few feet out of the room. Rarity knows it too, because she didn't seemed too shock or interested by the revelation. Poor Spike... well, if that is how she really feels, I can't stop her from having absolutely no romantic feelings for Spike, whatsoever! Shame...ah well! He has friends like us to help him through his first crush and I know he'll pull through.

P.S.S.: Do you think ~~Spike~~ my friends ever saw how ridiculous I looked in the magazines? I mean, unless they liked my new look. Maybe I should ask...
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Poor Spike. I heard that he got jealous because Owlowiscious was doing his chores at night. He felt like he was being upstaged, replaced, and not needed anymore. I know how that feels...

Remember when I mentioned my little sister? Well, Swift Light, was always a better flier than me. Even at birth she seemed to be better. Prettier, smarter, and a whole lot more assertive. She could make friends easily and was never hesitant to speak her mind and be rewarded for it. In fact, when I was a filly, a small hummingbird named Jenkins, was one of first animals I ever took care of for medical attention. He was a rescue from a forest that burned down and needed to have months of recovery. I could never get him to eat much and he was always so distant from me, unlike the rest of my animals. Imagine how surprised, and angry, I got when he got all cozy with my little sister. She fed him and he accepted her without a care in the world, while I struggled everyday just to feed him for months! Well, after that, I yelled at her and Jenkins, and flew away. I planned on never returning to a place where I wasn't even loved by my family...

It was foggy that night and I decided to stay the night in a cave and leave to a jungle or something once the fog cleared. That was, until, I came face to face with a d-dragon! He was a humongous, green, and nasty dragon that made me feel like a butterfly, waiting to have its wings pulled just for fun! It was so terrifying, that I forgot I had wings and just froze completely. He accused me of trying to steal his gems and that I had to suffer the consequences. I closed my eyes as he started to rear his head to blast me with his all-consuming fire, waiting for it to strike. Yet, it never came. I slowly opened my eyes and saw that Jenkins was pecking the eyes out of the dragon, the only real place it wasn't protected by its armor-like scales.

That was when I heard someone call my name and found out my dad was there. I ran to him and he scooped me up, flying far away from the cave. Jenkins soon followed us, but he said that we didn't have to worry about the dragon following us. He claimed no creature ever wants more of what Jenkins is 'dishing out.' When I got back to my cottage, my dad asked me why I ran off out of nowhere, in front of my mom and sister. I told them I was jealous and felt that they didn't love me because of how great Light was, even Jenkins. That was when she interrupted and asked me what I was talking about. She said she should be jealous of me! She said that I was pretty, graceful, always kind to others, gives everyone the care they deserve, smart, and is amazing with animals. She claimed that Jenkins only acts cold around me because he was too proud to let the one who saved him see him as weak. She went on to say that all he ever chirps about is how kind I was to him and the other animals, and how he wishes there were more ponies like me. I looked to Jenkins and he chirped bashfully, offering me a nuzzle. She also said that I was a great big sister, helping her with her homework and playing games with her. My parents comforted me by saying no matter how much they loved Light, it could never diminish the love they had for me and that they were blessed not with one beautiful foal, but two that make them proud each and every day.

I can't express how many tears were shed that day. All I know is that I miss my family. I visit them so little nowadays, what with my duties and Ponyville's antics. Anyway, Spike learned a lesson that I think all ponies/living creatures go through and I hope he keeps it in his heart. I think I'll stop by Sugarcube Corner and get a lemon cake. They're my sister's favorite. Bye!
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I REALLY have some tough thinking to do today. I guess I should give you some context, right? Well, just yesterday, it was Spike's birthday. Twilight said she was a filly when she hatched him, so he actually wasn't too much younger than her. I realized this and wondered why Spike is still treated as a child, but I chalk it down to him being baby DRAGON. I guess I forgot dragons take a while to age, seeing as how they live long lives. Just food for thought...

Back to the point, we had all gathered to celebrate his birthday, bringing him grand presents that, he said, he usually doesn't get. Just wondering, is Spike a little too close to Applejack as well? Well, never mind. Now Rarity showed up to the party wearing a fire ruby as a necklace of sorts. I heard that it was actually Spike's fire ruby that he grew for his birthday, but, for some reason, he gave it to Rarity instead. Granted, it is a sweet gesture of his feelings, but he actually told me about the ruby before (I occasionally ask for Spike's help around the cottage, where we talk afterwards) and how he was so excited to eat it. Then, all of sudden, he decides to give it to Rarity, just when HIS birthday party is around the corner? Wouldn't it have been better to give it to her at her birthday, not his? That got me thinking that he didn't initially plan to give it to her, but she must have asked him or gave a hint that she wanted it in some way.

Why, you may asking, should I care about what Spike does with his present? Well, I shouldn't, but as a friend, I think it's absolutely horrible that Rarity would even abuse Spike's feelings like that when she knows she can't love him the way he loves her! Unlike the spine Spike gave me, I didn't want it at first, I didn't ask for it, nor dare even think about it because it would be wrong to take something like that away from a good friend!

I bit my tongue and plastered a face to not upset Spike on his special day. That is when I came to a realization. Why were my thoughts and feelings gravitated so much towards Spike? Moreover, why did I think so poorly of Rarity, all of a sudden? I tried to combat these feelings all the way through the party, and was doing fine, until Rarity got affectionately close to Spike and called him 'Spikey-Wikey.' Those same thoughts came back in an uproar and I couldn't take much more of it. Luckily, Pinkie told Spike about his surprise at Sugarcube Corner and he bolted out the door. We figured that the party was over at that point and I went home to ponder my feelings.

It was strange. I had so many confused thoughts and feelings that seemed so foreign that I might have felt them only once and locked them away. I can't comprehend these feelings, and I really don't like what they are making me think. So, I decided to not deal with it until they feel less fiery and more soothed so I can deal with it when they settle down.

However, what's more concerning is what happened today. You see, dragons are apparently greedy by heart and it is the actual feeling of greed that makes them grow faster and bigger than normal. Spike, feeling this in abundance for the first time, went on a rampage, taking everything he could. He grew and grew until he looked and acted like a full-fledged, towering, and terrifying dragon! He foalnapped Rarity and almost destroyed all of Ponyville today. He would’ve finished the job if he wasn't able to fight it off and turn back to normal. As a result, he and Rarity began to fall to their immediate doom, until Rainbow (with my help) saved them and brought them to safety. Spike was so devastated at the mayhem he brought, that he looked ready to go into tears. I wanted to comfort him, but Rarity beat me to it. It's for the best, actually. I know he loves her and he really needed someone to comfort him. In the end, he was able to deal with his sadness, which is all I could ever want for him.

Ponyville is under some big construction, but Princess Celestia has dispatched some builders to ease us in rebuilding. Plus, all of Ponyville is pouring their resources, time, and effort to getting it down as soon as possible, which means we can fix it within a few weeks. The Mayor has given Spike an opportunity to apologize to the town, once reconstruction is finished, and I hope the rest of town can forgive him. We all make mistakes in our life and Spike deserves a chance to atone for it. Bye.
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Hearts and Hooves day just passed again. For some reason, this holiday scares me even more than Nightmare Night, at least on that holiday you know everypony's mask is fake. On this holiday...it's anypony's guess.

I'm trying to be more positive about it this year, but I think years of betrayal in high school may have made me a bit cynical. It's not even that I can't find a stallion willing to date me, because I do get requests and love letters (too many in fact). It does make me feel a bit better, but anytime I think about going with a stallion and trying love again, I just get too nervous and decide against it. I feel like my cottage is a cocoon I made for myself, shielding me from the outside world, until the day I change myself and emerge stronger. My friends have been really supportive because they understand how it feels and can sympathize and comfort me. We (Except Rarity) have been living in a shell, trying to figure out what we want for ourselves and if someone can help us get there. Rainbow, of course, usually offsets stallions with her strong, independent nature, and she won't (with good reason) change who she is. The same goes for Pinkie and her chipper ways. I thought most stallions were intimidated by her hyperactive nature at first, but I realized that she is everypony's friend which makes it awkward for ponies to get close to her. Twilight has always been socially awkward and I think she is waiting for a stallion who can match her intellect. She deserves, at least, that. Applejack has rarely let any stallion get any impression where she stands on love. She is very traditional when it comes to love, and while that's good and well, it becomes harder as times change.

I guess, in a way, we all are a bit jealous of Rarity. She has been knocked down from her pedestal time and time again. Even if she is the most dramatic of us all, she actually doesn't let it keep her down forever. She tries and tries again, whether it be in her business, love life, or just being a better pony. Me and my friends all are the same, yet different in many ways, which I'm thankful for.

Anyways, this day already passed and tomorrow, me and the girls, will see how each other is feeling. I guess for ponies it hurts especially not to have love. In our society based on love, friendship, and what the elements represent, it hurts not to have the most important piece. Well, happy Hearts and Hooves Day...

P.S.: Even if I don't like the amount of love letters I get, I wasted my time expecting a particular one. The one that would actually give me some hope for this holiday. Hope that I might have been able to enjoy it next year. I really need to get down on these emotions of mine.
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I already wrote to Princess Celestia about what I learned the past few days, but I think I have to say it to you that these past few days made me feel like a horrible pony. You see, Angel was being very picky about his food (again), so I had to run to the market to get some ingredients for what he wanted. I hate going to the market, because it always reminds me that I can never stick up for myself, even if my life is way different now. Plus, the produce salesponies are very greedy and sneaky (sorry) and know how to push me around. I don't make a lot of bits being the town's caretaker, but I do make enough from grooming pets and the pay the Mayor gives me for keeping the wild animals away. It was never my intention to get paid for that, but I had to accept after taking in so many cute animals.

Anyways, I was unaware that Pinkie and Rarity saw me get pushed around the market. I don't think they have ever seen me on the trips to the market, since I usually avoid it like the plague. They were shocked and disappointed that I would allow myself to be treated as a doormat by the town's ponies (I shared that feeling). They had good intentions by showing me how they were assertive, but, as I realize now, everypony has to be assertive in their own way. Unfortunately, I didn't know that then and when I didn't gave Angel what he wanted, I became desperate to stop being a doormat. That was when I came across Iron Will's seminar in the mail.

The rest, as ponies say, is history. I went to the seminar and I did become assertive, so assertive in fact, that nopony dared cross me. I felt great! I felt amazing! I felt like nopony could deny me what was mine! So what if I have been pushed around all my life?! I knew that I was worth just as much attention and respect as the next pony, and now I had the confidence to prove it! Regrettably, I took it too far...

I became a monster. I became blind to my actions and hurt many ponies in the process, even Rarity and Pinkie Pie. I attacked their feelings, our friendship, and even their dreams in life. I felt exactly like those who had bullied me all of my life. I felt powerful, in control, thought better of myself, and above all, didn't care about who I had to step on to feel that way. I guess this day was always coming. My frustrations, my rage, my tears, my confusion, all of those feelings I've bottled up all my life. I've allowed myself to slowly become more and more bitter. True, I have had good moments and have been good to others, which got me through all those years, yet they could never account for the fact that those feelings were still there.

Regardless of what I said or what my friends said, I don't blame Iron Will. He really did teach me how to be assertive...like him. That's why I felt horrible afterwards. I wasn't dealing with my problems like I would, I dealt with it like someone else would. I ran away from my issues and when it finally felt like I was in a corner, I let something else fight my battles.

Well...no more. From now on, I'm not going to deal with my issues the way others deal with theirs. I am Fluttershy. I am unique. I also can't bottle up my emotions anymore. Whether I should talk to it with somepony or face it head on is the choice I must make for MYSELF. So, on that note, I think I will try to be completely honest from now on and realize what kind of pony Fluttershy will be.

I don't think I have the right to judge anypony else anymore. We are all unique and from now on, I'll take that into consideration. Rarity is a good friend and good pony. I said I'll be honest and I meant it...I have been feeling jealous of Rarity. I can't say for sure for which reasons, because there are a lot, but I know I have to have the confidence to tell myself this problem and face it.

P.S.: I wrote some of my thoughts to Iron Will and he said that he learned from me too. He asked if we could meet and, if we can agree, he would like to have me at his next seminar. He said to consider it his payment for learning this lesson. I really do want to stop this from happening to anypony, so I agreed. I hope all goes well.
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Before we begin, I would like to say that Iron Will and I did agree, so I got to tell some ponies what I learned. I admit it. It was hard facing the crowd, but Iron Will realized it was difficult, so he asked just to look at him and tell him what I learned. Once I felt I was talking to another friend, I was ready to speak. Suffice to say, I never knew I was so capable of talking. I got so many cheers that it felt like I made a real difference. Iron Will then thanked me for my time and we parted ways. He's on the road now, but I'm confident we'll meet again. The best way to not have any enemies is to make friends.

Anyway, I learned there is a big difference between being assertive and being brave. I may have learned a valuable lesson, but I'm still miles away from becoming the Fluttershy I see myself as. Yesterday was the great dragon migration. I, unfortunately, lost it and flew as fast as possible. I do, however, feel good to say that I didn't let even my friends pressure me to go someplace where I felt uncomfortable (I have to apologize to Rainbow though). I guess it was a bittersweet victory for me, but I still have my phobias with dragons, so I don't think I'll force myself to be tortured for other's approval.

Moving on, I am disappointed that most of my friends teased poor Spike about how undragonlike he is (which I think is a good thing) until the point where he felt the need to 'find himself.' Honestly, do they even remember what happened at his birthday? If Spike didn't want to act like a greedy brute and instead be a sweet gentledragon, then he has every right to do so. I re-read my entries from time to time and find that I really get mad when my friends disregard Spike. Well, I guess I see most of myself in Spike when that happens. Sure he has his faults, like how sarcastic, cynical, and a bit naive he is, but he has proven that no matter what faults he has, he is willing to sacrifice so he can be there for his friends. Something, I'm sure, is no small feat for a dragon. I can relate to that because I have given up much of my own time, patience, and furniture just so I can be a friend for those in need of a little kindness. So when we get teased for our little quirks or just for the fact that we enjoy being who we are, yes I get a little annoyed.

I really have to stop going on tangents, it feels too random to think like Pinkie Pie (sorry).

At the very least, they didn't let him go alone. By the time I returned from hiding, Spike was back, safe and sound. When Rainbow told me what happened, I gave her a little lecture (she really shouldn't be so prideful, I know she still snores and secretly has a hoof fetish). I was a bit shocked to hear that Rarity went to make sure Spike was alright. I know Applejack and Pinkie Pie have businesses to keep and, of course, Twilight and Rainbow would go, but Rarity? I shouldn't be too skeptical, Rarity is an amazing friend who spends her time at charity auctions and takes the consideration of others to heart, but she can be a bit selfish sometimes, especially when it involves getting dirty.

Oh, I wish I wasn't so scared all the time. Even if my pony to pony skills improve, will I ever stop being known as the pony who gets scared at her own shadow? A description that gets really old, I might add. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm glad Spike chose not to live with those mean old dragons and even saved a defenseless, unborn phoenix. I mean, really, who attacks unborn creatures, for Celestia's sake?!

Besides that, I know Twilight and the rest of us would have been devastated to have lost Spike. I mean, she practically raised him. Hmm, maybe I should talk to her and see...well, I talk about that another time. Bye!
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Dear Journal,

I'm happy to report that I'm making terrific progress! Ever since that Iron Will incident, I decided to change some things about me I personally don't like and think could live better without. These past few day were essential to my personal growth. You see, Ponyville was selected as the town that would deliver Cloudsdale's water this year. Rainbow Dash was made coach and had this amazing (if terrifying) goal to beat the all-time wing power record. I was very scared to say the least. The memories from flight camp came back again and this time, with a vengeance. Rainbow Dash managed to convince me to come practice with them, but when the initial test came for me to show my wing power, I could barely flutter, let alone fly. To make things worse, I humiliated myself in front of the town's Pegasus, my animals, and most importantly, S-my friends.

I was ashamed and I ran off like a coward, letting them know that I was still a pushover to this day. I cried and cried while my animal friends tried to comfort. When I was done feeling ashamed of myself, my animals convinced me that was not the way to act at initial failure. So what if I failed in the past and the first try? They made me believe in myself and I worked to the feather trying to prove to Ponyville and my friends that I was worthy of their respect, friendship, and maybe even love! ...Sorry, but when I get into 'the zone' I really get confident.

Unfortunately, even if I did not let any laughter get to me, I still was unable to meet Rainbow's goal. I worked so hard and I felt so proud, even if just for a moment. I couldn't believe it and I, again, quit. I have been having very emotional days, as of lately. However, my animal friends and my conscience told me that it would be wrong not to support my best friend, since summer camp, in her time of glory, so I went. Well, it would have been her time to shine, had it not been for the feather flu going around town (Thunderlane should really be more thoughtful of other's health) and making most of the Pegasus become bed-ridden. Rainbow failed the first time she tried to bring water to Cloudsdale, but she wouldn't give up, not in front of a wonderbolt. That was something I admire and could learn from Rainbow, above all else, is perverseness. To not give up on anything, whether it be herself, her dreams, her morals, or her friends. I guess as she tried, above her own might, to do something that would seem impossible to do, it dawned on me that this was Rainbow Dash. She had been there for me, being a friend I could rely on, for practically all my life, so was I going to leave her hanging in the moment she might need me most?

It took Rainbow struggling and Twilight pleading, but I finally realized that fact. I may be a coward, a pushover at times, perhaps even just a confused mare, but Celestia knows I'm not a bad friend! I am not doomed to fail forever! I will not let my life become dictated by the judgment of others! To that effect, I added my wing power to the hurricane and, miraculously, it was just enough to get the water to Cloudsdale. I was so focused on my task, Rainbow had to stop me from flying. I was so excited and happy, especially when Rainbow gave me credit for my contribution in front of her idol. My happiness escalated when the Pegasus cheered for me. I think that might have been one of my proudest moments, another thing off my list to bettering myself, FOR myself. Now, if you excuse me, I feel an inspiration for my art coming along!
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Today was certainly an interesting day, for more than one reason. Today was supposed to be the day Twilight performed a magic showcase in front of Princess Celestia and diplomats from Saddle Arabia. The act that was supposed to leave an impression, however, involved using levitation on my animals in fancy formations. And I was an absolute wreck! I was so nervous and scared for my little friends that I even used my assertive training on Twilight! Fortunately, Spike managed to reassure me, that everything would be fine. And he was right. This was Twilight we were talking about, the personal protégé to the princess and element of magic. I guess it just felt better to be comforted, even if I had nothing to be worried about.

Or so I thought. Remember Trixie? Well, she came back to wreak revenge on Ponyville for ruining her livelihood and to spite Twilight for making her feel bad about herself. Not only that, but she came in wearing an Alicorn amulet of power, giving her the ability to actually back up her threats! It was very terrifying, especially since the amulet made her sense of morality and logic become more and more loose. She managed to outclass Twilight in a magic duel (though only by cheating) and kick her out of Ponyville. I actually had to dress as a bunny just to escape the dome she used to trap and enslave us (even though I kept the suit). The mission the girls tasked me with was to go find Twilight, who was training with Zecora, and be the middle mare, as it were. After that, Twilight managed to come up with a plan and by using the one resource Trixie truly lacked, friendship, we managed to trick the trickster. Twilight managed to get Trixie to take the amulet off and get her senses back. In the end, Trixie added on to Twilight's performance and apologized for all the grief she caused her and the town. Twilight accepted her apology, claiming that she was under the control of the amulet, and hoped Trixie could start a new leaf.

While I believe Trixie will become a nicer mare, I don't think that it was the amulet's fault that she purposefully bought it and it was her full intention to use it to torment all of Ponyville, slowly bleed the town's resources, make us all her slaves, destroy my animal friends homes and ecosystems, and make us suffer a little more each and every day. Nevertheless, I hold nothing against her. Oh well, at least I wasn't in charge of reforming our former enemies, because that would be a disaster! They would just abuse my kindness, I suppose.

On another note, I don't know how to say this, but here goes. It felt nice when Spike held and comforted me...please don't judge me! Okay, so I was obviously worried about my animals getting used like stage props (what kind of pony would find that entertaining), but I was so nervous, I was actually about to stop Twilight's final performance, until Spike approached me. He could obviously tell I wasn't doing well and said not to worry about it, because we could trust in Twilight. I asked him how could he be so sure that she wouldn't mess up, that she wouldn't let me down? To my defense, I was borderline ready to cry. However, he just stood there and thought for a second and said he didn't. He said that there was no way to tell when everything would turn alright, but sometimes a leap of faith was necessary for some of the best things of life. I was shaken to hear such an insight and asked where he learned that. He claimed he learned it by watching me and the girls overcome any obstacle by believing and trusting one another. I was so touched by this statement, I had to hold back a tear. He asked me to never tell Rainbow, Twilight, Rarity, or anypony that he said something so cheesy. I almost laughed, until I saw Mr. Nibbles fly over my head. I jumped into Spike's shoulder to cover my eyes. At that moment, I truly noticed how comforting Spike really was.

His scales were actually very smooth. Each individual one felt slick, yet strong. Almost, as if, nothing could tarnish what laid inside Spike, what made him so special. You would think his body would be cold and uninviting, but the exact opposite was true. His entire being felt like a furnace warming me from head to hoof with a warmth emanating deep inside him, rising and falling with each breath. It was so inviting, you think I was born in a world of glaciers and ice, only to be led in front of a warm fireplace that warmed the very core of my soul. Celestia's scorching sun and Luna's icy moon could not compare to the coziness of this little dragon's embrace. Oh, and his hands, don't get me started on his hands. Unlike Harry the bear's claws or Minny the Mongoose's, Spike's claws did not hurt me nor use any bit of aggression. They felt so gentle and warm on my wings, that my very body shivered being subjected to this type of relaxation. I couldn't believe they felt so nice, he must be holding back their roughness, I thought. It was at that point I realized something...I was all over Spike and he was laying his hands over by back.

I was about to leave and stutter apologies how I was a terrible pony and that Spike probably couldn't even stomach my face again, when he said something that made my heart stop. "Jeez Fluttershy, you're just shivering with fear, aren't you? Don't worry, I'm here for you. Everything will turn out fine."

I believed him. For the first time in my life I actually felt like there was nothing to worry about. No monsters at every turn, no more abusing my kindness, no more world ending threats, no more unnecessary apologies, no more fear. Instead, all I felt was a sereneness. A peace. That this dra-stallion here meant every word he said to me. He would not spare me the truth, because at the end of the day, he would always be there for me. That he symbolized all I had accomplished in my life. Conquering my fears, making friends, a willingness to change, forgiving and showing kindness to others, sacrifice, and still being genuine to one's self. That we were the same kindred spirits, outsiders from birth, born into a world that is often not kind to those who are different. Yet, despite it all, he would be the one I could lean on when I felt weak and helpless, that he could be the one that would wake me up every day, and that he wouldn't allow me to live in despair when it got difficult. I, in turn, would not allow him be abused by others, that I would heal him when it did hurt, that I would be brave when he could not, and I would always believe in him when I could not even believe in myself. That we would believe in something that tied us to one another, something so powerful it would not allow us to be broken by those who would rather waste their lives in anger and aggression.

Then I realized it. What the thing that could tie us together and end the ache in my heart really was. Love. I-I cared for, believed in, and ... love Spike. I have to know if he could love me. If he could forget the one jewel that would always elude him, and instead, be happy living with someone whose love would never end. I realize this is a lot to take in, but...I can't deny it. I won't deny it. I have denied myself all of my life from happiness just to avoid confrontation and appease others. This, however, was a risk I must be willing to take.

For the rest of the performance, I just pretended to look scared at my animals, once in a while. Although, I have to admit, I was scared every time I looked. Fortunately, those feelings left as soon as I went back to Spike's shoulder, enjoying its bliss. When it was over, I accidentally lingered on Spike until Angel shook me out of my stupor and I saw how awkward I made things. Spike assured me it was alright, but I just took my animals and hightailed it home. I write this to you now because I have a goal I want to set, here and now. I want to see if Spike could learn to love me. This will be difficult, what with his infatuation with Rarity, but I will find a way for him to realize she is not right for him. Rarity will never love him and I think the rest of the girls would agree it's high time she stop leading him astray. I'm very tired right now, so this is all for now. Wish me luck!
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It's about Spike. Again. Sorry, but I'm too afraid to admit this to any of my friends until I know Spike may be willing to give me a chance. Once again, Spike was completely too close to Applejack again. Sometimes I wonder if Spike has a crush on her, but then I realize he has a crush on Rarity and is just really grateful. However, if there is one thing I can say I do NOT admire about Spike, it would be his compulsion to serve everypony and wait on them like a servant. With Twilight, I can understand how stressful being a protégé to the princess and running a library can be, but with ponies like Rarity, they just abuse his kindness and outgoing nature. Applejack obviously doesn't need or even wanted his help and just wanted to save one of her friends, but Spike wouldn't let that pass. I don't know where he gets that compulsion from (Rarity), but he really should learn when to accept that friends do things for one another without expecting anything in return. At least, they should...

I think I may harbor some jealousy over Rarity for Spike. I try not to, but it so hard when she just uses her friend, who she knows wants more from her, as some sort of butler. Not only that, but I get frustrated when Spike talks about other ponies or levitates around them. Remember how I sometimes ask for Spike' help around the cottage? Well, afterwards I treat him to some lemonade or tea and we talk among ourselves about random things, like how the library should get Pegasus insurance, why would anyone sells just quills and sofas, how he thinks Angel and Opal are demons from Tartarus (I admit I do chuckle at this one), or how we should put a flame protection spell around the library for Twilight. You wouldn't believe it, but Twilight almost burns down the library every other week. Ironic the dragon should ask for fire protection. She does so by getting mad, conducting experiments, losing her check list, or trying to boil water. I'm sorry to say, but I'm afraid that mare will just randomly combust one day.

Make no mistake, Spike always likes to hear about myself and how my week went, but I just get really jealous when he talks about how amazing any other mare is. I don't know, but if I don't solve this problem soon, I may get too jealous and let my feelings burst out. That is something which CAN NOT happen.

I just have to find a way for Spike to notice me in that light instead of every other pony. Well, that's it for now, bye.
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Today I learned that being a goody two shoe and kissing the Princess massive assets is how you really get anywhere in the world and, if you really believe, you can discover the true meaning of Hearts Warming Eve!

Sincerely yours,

Fluttershutter

P.S.: I just met the cutest raccoon today, I called him Cooper. You should just see the way he urinates on the furniture, it's so adorable. Oh, I also learned that being kind and patient to someone may be difficult, especially if they don't want you to, but it's all worth it if you can improve your friendsh-

-okay that's enough! Loki, I can't even make a satirical letter without gagging on the amount of fuzziness these ponies use! I really could have done a better job spreading chaos around here. But NOOO, ponies always have to make such a fuss over chaos. I bet Sheogorath never has problems with HIS dominion, I bet he barely does anything for chaos and madness to-

Oh, so you want an intro, I presume. Well, allow me to properly introduce myself...

Mares and stallions, in the purple corner, weighing in at *beep* pounds at a height of 'really tall.' Please, give it up, for...

Audience: We love you Discord! You are waaaay funner then our namby-pamby princesses!

Yes, that’s right Mrs. Journal, I am Discord. You may have heard of me before. Possibly in your nightmares (or even some of your more...exciting dreams). However, now I am 'reformed.' It's all due to your friend Fluttershy. Oh yeah, she is my friend too, I suppose. Oh, I had such plans for chaos. I was going to set up heavy metal band, start a new dance craze, and maybe even have tea with Morgan Freeman (that's not chaos, but a personal dream of all demigods). I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling elements of harmony, and their little dragon too! I digress.

However, one of the perks of being friends is that REAL friends don't hide secrets from one another, right? So, when I found you in a safe marked 'DON'T TOUCH!' in Fluttershy's shed, I couldn't help but feel that she would want me to read you.

To be honest, I am a bit disgusted. All she seems to talk about is friendship, the good in others, and how cute her animals are. Gag. However, I noticed a recurring theme in this little journal of hers. She even admitted it a few entries ago that she 'loves' the little lesser dragon, boy, whelp, thingy, guy. How revolting! The idea that the little twerp could ever catch the attention of my bestie (I have a picture frame to prove it). Fluttershy must be the most naive pony in the cosmos to think that any romance with just a creature could ever work.

What did you say? Why did I care about this so much? RESENTMENT?! Now listen here missy, I am not bitter about love! What, you think just because I don't believe in love, that it automatically means my love scorned me and I grew bitter being born a monster?! That is proposter-...wait. Why am I talking to you about this?! How are you forcing me to speak to you, an inanimate object, like a real living being?! Granted, being in stone kind of forced me to speak to inanimate objects, but...THERE IT IS AGAIN! OOHH, YOU MUST BE CURSED OR SOMETHING! Well played, missy, well played.

Don't think this is the last you have heard of Discord because next time I will discover YOUR secrets and you won't get me to admit anything. Not even the reason I know Celly's derriere is so big is because I keep assessing her situatio- LOKI DAMN IT! I WILL BURN YOU WITH CHOCOLATE MILK! ARRIVEDERCI!
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...Maybe it was a bad idea to make myself Discord's best friend...REFER TO THE ABOVE ENTRY! I also added a new note to the first page, by the way. I need an aspirin.

Just got the aspirin. Turns out Discord made all my headache pills into mints. And my bed is made of jelly now. Auugghh...
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Good news. I managed to convince Discord that friends should respect each other's privacy and if they don't, one friend could always make a letter to the princess and send what the other friend said about her at any time. I think he understood me perfectly.

Moving on, I just thought of something that could ruin my future with Spike. What if he doesn't like me and my passions? I already showed him and the rest of the girls my art collection, and they were very blown away by it (even if they could never understand the art within my soul). Spike already likes my friends and says that I am natural born singer (I had to hide the blush on my face all day). However, one thing that Spike has never quite liked about my personal life is Angel bunny. He claims that the sweetest, most adorable bunny in Equestria is just a nuisance and Tartarus-bent on making everypony's life miserable. Now that is a bit harsh, Angel may be a bit spoiled, but he really is a sweetheart.

Unfortunately, what if Spike could never be with me because of how difficult some animals could be? I promised myself that I would not change anything about me that I liked for Spike's sake, and taking care of animals is the top of the list. I wanted to see if Spike could learn to get along with Angel, if they really got to know each other. You see, me and the girls were invited to the Crystal Empire to help Princess Cadence make the empire the next site of the Equestrian Games. Spike wasn't invited because he had to oversee the library and the Crystal Empire is a little wary of dragons (the poor dear). Now, usually I leave Angel and some of my more needy animals with the vet or the pet grooming parlor, but I figured that since Spike was staying in town, he could look after Angel. It would be the perfect excuse for my little guys to bond and maybe become friends.

So, to seal the deal, I got a big gem (bigger than a fire ruby actually) to make sure Spike gives it a chance. I went over to the library and knocked on the door, knowing Spike usually get it. In that moment, I tried to make a cute pose for him and give a nice smile, but I let it go as soon as I saw him. I was so disappointed when he didn't want to do it at first, but he came around and I was so happy that I gave him a bit of a more meaningful nuzzle. In the end, it was just an excuse to feel his warmth again, but it might have been taken the wrong way, had any other pony seen it. Equestrian nuzzles are a very tricky social interaction that confuses most other species. Luckily, Spike didn't notice it (leaving me a bit disappointed) and I went home, happy he was giving it a chance.

Imagine my surprise and joy when Spike offered to take care of all the girls’ pets. That gave me hope that Spike could learn to love animals and appreciate what I do through his own experience. When we came back from the empire, Spike was already there waiting for us, with all our pets looking magnificent, if a bit tired. They must have had such a wonderful day of playing! Oh, and Spike managed to get Angel's tail fluffed perfectly and apparently became friends with him! With that obstacle out of the way, I truly believe he and I could be together, if he gave us a chance. Okay Fluttershy, I need to find a way to do this right. Too forward and it might scare him away. Too slow and he might not even notice it until it's too late. I'll talk to you later when I come up with a plan, bye!
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"Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry 'Lover, gold-hatted, high bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
-THOMAS PARKE D'INVILLIERS

I just read the most interesting book. I've never seen or heard of it before. That's strange, since being friends with Twilight usually means I know every book just by repetition (sorry). It was really sad the way that a character in the book did everything to impress the one he loved and thought loved him back, even risk going to jail. Sadly, she could never love him. How could she? She could only love money, fame, and power. No matter how much he loved her, she would only give herself to those she deemed worthy of her presence.

I guess someone like me could only understand that. N-n-ot that other people aren't smart enough to get it, because it's really not that hard to figure out...I mean I'm not bragging I'm smart but- Wait Fluttershy... Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Anyway, I guess what I'm thinking is that I can relate to the character in a way. We'll never be good enough in the eyes of the one we love. They'll always be THAT one pony that trumps us so badly that we didn't even have a chance. Then again...

...how could I blame him? The one I love. I can't because he is the exact same way. Just like me. I mean, he is just too naive to see what's in front of him, that's all. It doesn't HAVE to end like the book, does it? He has options after all. He's too precious not to.

Yet, when I think of him...I forget that I'm FlutterSHY and just think of myself as Flutters....if that makes any sense. However, when I think of her...I wish I didn't have my name, period. I think I have entertained these thoughts long enough. There is only one solution. I need to talk to Rarity and then talk to Spike about how I feel and what is best for us all. Wish me luck!

The Strings That Bind Us

by CanterlotCrusader

Fluttering Like Crazy