//------------------------------// // Episode 2: Chickenman Uncooped // Story: Chickenman in Equestria // by GroaningGreyAgony //------------------------------// In our last very exciting episode, Chickenman found himself propelled by a strange accident into another world. There, he met some remarkable talking ponies, one of whom captured him and locked him up in a chicken coop, where he was surrounded by a flock of suspicious and territorial chickens... “Here’s that can of corn from my utility belt,” muttered Chickenman as the chickens squawked and flapped around him. “Now where’s my Chicken Can Opener...? Ouch! Stop that!” Meanwhile, pony Princess Twilight Sparkle, a purple winged unicorn, had received a message from her friend Applejack, on whose farm the Winged Warrior is now imprisoned. She is now flying through the air to assess the situation, soaring in the sky over the farm called Sweet Apple Acres... “It’s hard to see through all the apple trees... Ah, there’s Applejack now, near the chicken coop!” Without further delay, Twilight Sparkle sailed in for a perfect three-point landing (forehooves and chin.) Applejack gently helped her friend to all four feet. “Good ta see ya, Twi! Your landin’s are gettin’ better every day! Anyway, looks like we got another human here, wearin’ a big stupid-lookin’ chicken costume. Said he’s some kinda warrior, and called himself Chickenman...” Twilight shook the last bits of straw from her mane. “A warrior? Was anypony hurt? Did you have any trouble when you secured him?” “No trouble to speak of. Everypony was runnin’ around like a buncha loons as usual, shoutin’ some nonsense about griffons. To cool things down some, I made on like he was just some chicken that escaped from my farm. Then I, uh, ‘secured’ him real quick and brought him right here.” “That was quick thinking! Sounds like you did the right thing, AJ.” Applejack grinned. “Thank you kindly! So what now? We gotta bring him to Canterlot or somethin’?” Twilight gave a wry smile. “Not this time. I received a letter about it last month, actually. ‘Dear Twilight, should any more humans appear in Ponyville, you have our permission to deal with it without bothering us. Have fun! -Celly’” Applejack shook her head. “Well... I reckon she’s entitled to make you do the grunt work. It’s like when we send Applebloom to muck out the pig sty; it builds character. What are you going to do, then?” “Well, I’ll need to investigate the means by which he came here, then figure out the best way to send him home. Sometimes it’s a matter of waiting until the stars are in the right alignment, so at worst we should need to wait... oh, about a month...” Applejack spat on the ground and stomped her hoof. “A month? Suppose he kicks up a fuss?” Twilight frowned thoughtfully. “If he’s really troublesome, I could ask Princess Luna to speed things up a bit... But if he behaves himself reasonably well, I’d prefer not to bother her. I’ll start by applying for CDA funds to help pay to board him.” Twilight smiled slightly at the thought of filling out such a long and neatly categorized form. She had in fact designed most of it herself. “In the meantime, perhaps you could put him to work here for a while...?” Applejack shook her head. “Y’know, Twi, I really got no use for unskilled labor right now; it’s skilled labor we need. And speakin’ frankly, from the look of him, he ain’t never done an honest day of hard work in his life. But hey, he’s dressed like a chicken, maybe he’s got a special talent for tendin’ ’em or somethin’...” Applejack gently kicked open the door of the coop; the smell of straw and chicken emissions wafted out and made Twilight wrinkle her nose. In the gloomy furthest corner, a white hen-and-rooster pecked shape rocked slowly in the corner as the dominant birds asserted their territory with sharp darting beaks and claws. His feathers were patchy and scattered, his haunted eyes stared vacantly ahead. “No more...” he whispered hoarsely. “I have no more corn for you. Stop. I’m out of gummy worms too. Please stop...” “...And we can scratch that idea,” said Applejack flatly. “True. On the other hand, he doesn’t look dangerous. I think it’s safe to set him free.” Twilight, eyes shining with compassion, reached out with her magical levitation powers and scooped up the Winged Warrior, pulling him out into the daylight as chickens scattered frantically around him. He blinked in the bright sun, then uncurled and looked up. Twilight smiled at him. “It’s okay, human. I know you must feel very disoriented, having been transported to anther world, but we’re going to try to get you home as fast as possible.” Chickenman stood up, brushing away bits of straw and chicken muck. “Uh, thank you. So, where am I?” “You’re in Equestria, a magical realm ruled by sapient ponies, and here’s a pamphlet that will answer almost all of the questions you’re about to ask.” Twilight levitated a small booklet into his hand. “If you think of something I haven’t covered here, you can use the survey form on the last page to submit a comment, but I think you’ll find that I’ve been comprehensive within a 95% confidence interval; we’ve had a great deal of experience in dealing with human visitors like you. “I’ll just emphasize a few important points: Don’t try to ride anypony. Stay away from Fluttershy’s house—actually, just stay away from Fluttershy. Do not try to scratch strangers behind their ears. If you are offering anypony a treat, hold it on your upturned palm with your fingers held flat. The big dark creepy forest full of ravenous monsters is off limits, and I’m not sure why we even need to say that, but apparently we do. I think that covers it.” Chickenman frowned as he leafed through the pamphlet. “So how did—” “Page one, paragraph one.” said Twilight patiently. Paper rustled as Chickenman flipped to that page. “I see. But what about—” “Page two, paragraph three.” “And how do you always know what I’m—” “Page one, paragraph four.” “Oh. Well. This will take some getting used to... Maybe I'd better just sit down for a while and read this. And speaking of which... you know, it’s been a long day and... uhm...” Chickenman looked embarrassed and shifted his weight from leg to leg. “I think I need to, uhm, freshen up a bit.” Twilight looked puzzled. “You want to polish a coin?” “No, I think I need to see a man about a... horse...” Applejack scowled. “And just what do you mean by that?” “Err... Uhm... Restroom. Where’s the restroom—” Twilight and Applejack glanced at each other, then back at Chickenman. “Page two, paragraph five,” they chorused. Chickenman consulted his pamphlet, then looked warily at the nearest bush. “Oh.” Wellllll...! Our hero seems to be caught between a rock and a very public place! If Chickenman needs more explicit instructions, might he find them in paragraph... number one or number two? DUMM-DUM-DUMMMM! Be listening next time for another exciting episode in the life of the most fantastic crimefighter the world has ever known... Buck-bawk-buck-BAAAWWWWWK...! CHICKENMAN! He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere! DUMM-DA-DA-DUMM-DUMMMM!