Letters From a Little Princess Monster
Thoughts, Shots and Lollipops
...never thought of putting fish in a box before. Miss Cheeralee’s house has several boxes called ‘tanks’ with little fish, some in just water, some salty, and some warm. they’re all pretty in their own way, but none of them have teeth or teniticles like the ones from home. some of them even glow in the dark without magic, or stick to the side of the tank. she said i could have a guppy which is a little like a parasprite but swims, but i said no. it would be too much like being a mom. have you ever thought about getting a pet? i don’t think a fish would be good for you because it would have to be in a tank all the time, but maybe a frog or a lizard. i’ll go with you to flutter shy’s house if you’re scared of them, because she has a whole lot and they kind of look at me when im there.
Trixie and Miss Cheeralee talked about school while we looked at the fish, and im a little scared, but not much now that i have Miss Smarty Pants back. you can borrow her to go visit flutter shy’s if you want to go by yourself. scoots was being neutered tuterd at Miss Cheeralee’s house for part of the summer so she will not be held back a grade only instead of magic like Trixie is teaching me, Miss Cheeralee is teaching her multiplication, which made me a little scared when i tried to multiply 7 times 8 and could not remember the number. i can get all the rest of the table, as well as the first sixteeen cubes, but numbers around 7 just seem to fade away when I turn my back. i was worried that i would not be in the same class as my friends but Miss Cheeralee looked at me real funny and talked with Trixie and mom real quiet while we watched the fish and fed them some stinky flakes. when the lid comes off the fish food, it makes a real mess but i got most of the food back in the jar so the fish will only be a little fat, like Trixie. i shouldn’t have writtne that because Trixie is only a little padded and even though she gets out of breath when following us, we’re going to get her into shape so good that stallions will be panting all over her…
* * *
At any other time, the concept of the Cutie Mark Crusaders surrounded by large tanks made of glass and filled with her various expensive and fragile fish would have driven Cheerilee into a nervous frenzy, but with the addition of Trixie, a zebra, and a changeling disguised as a zebra in her house, her sense of impending doom did not know which way to turn. Finally, after sitting quietly and listening to all three of them talk about Menace/Flower/Twilight Sparkle, one of whom declaimed in iambic pentameter when she was worried, Cheerilee held up a hoof and asked them all to be quiet just for a moment so she could think.
A faint glow around Trixie’s horn was the only sign of the curtain of silence she put up, and the Crusaders were being suspiciously well-behaved by her fish tanks, making every minute that passed without the sound of breaking glass and running water a little additional stress that was tying her neck up in knots. In her few years in Ponyville, she never had a student like this in her classroom, and she was willing to bet the previous teacher, Miss Chalks, had not either. Twilight was such a strange little filly and after listening to the stories from Zecora and Trixie, Cheerilee could not figure out if she wanted to run away screaming, or to pick the little alicorn filly up and cradle her gently, telling her everything was going to be all right.
Looking at Trixie for inspiration, which felt a little weird, Cheerilee sorted a few pieces of paper around and decided to start at the beginning.
“So Twilight Sparkle, the same pony who was featured in the school paper that I approved for publication, is not really a unicorn your age living on a volcanic island, but for the last twelve years, she has been living in the Everfree Forest with Miss Zecora, suffering from… issues.” Continuing quickly before Trixie could respond, she added, “Oh, and that she and her little friends somehow used the Elements of Harmony to free Princess Luna and turn herself into a little alicorn filly.” Cheerilee looked at the zebra, who nodded in return.
“That is quite correct, in each regard. Her life indeed has been quite hard.
“Now that her body has become transformed, into a pony both winged and horned,
her life indeed has become much better, as each night she writes to her Princess, a letter.”
“Uh-huh.” Cheerilee turned to look at the uncomfortable ‘zebra’ stallion, who was splitting his attention between watching the little ponies with the fish and the teacher with the headache. “And how do I know you’re really Tallgrass? If you’re a changeling, you could be anypony.”
Tallgrass paused before changing forms in a blaze of green fire that drew the little ponies attention momentarily away from the multicolored fish. The now muscular earth pony touched her on the shoulder and shook his head, his blonde mane cascading down his neck in a way that caused Cheerilee to surreptitiously suck in a breath of air and try not to look at Zecora. “Turn around and let me work on your neck and back. You’re broadcasting so much pain it’s hard to think.”
“Well, that’s certainly a unique opening line.” Cheerilee tried to make herself comfortable as strong earth pony hooves began working the kinks out of her back, zeroing in on every twinge and pain. “Anyway, -umph- you want me to put a dangerous adult into -umm- their classroom disguised -ahh- as a little filly, and hope -mumph- she doesn’t relapse or -uhh- wait a minute.” The teacher looked up at Zecora and frowned. “Featherweight’s pictures were real?”
“His cameras are perceptive eyes, but show only whats, and not the whys.”
“I had always thought the Cutie Mark Crusaders would bring some sort of hydra or dragon into Ponyville someday, not…” Cheerilee waved at the little ponies around her fish tanks feebly as Tallgrass moved up to rub her shoulders, but Zecora only sat back on her cushion with a smile and took a sip of tea.
“I will admit my surprise when my house was invaded,
by five little friends, traveling the forest unaided.
“Bringing a day filled with chaos, noise and great fright,
but ending in joy with the end of the night.
“Small friends are indeed what my Flower had found,
in numbers quite large, and big hearts unbound.
“Flower loves them all dearly, from their hooves to their manes,
so our future is clear, in this town we remain.
“While healing she needs from that terrible fight,
she needs love even more, against the return of the night.”
“And someday a few decades from now,” added Tallgrass, “We’re all going to Zebrica, which doesn’t really rhyme with anything. Zecora says the land there needs her, and when the time is right it will bring her to it. How’s your shoulder?”
“Heavenly,” grunted Cheerilee. She opened one eye and looked at Zecora. “Are you two married?”
“Not quite, but we might.”
“Well, you better hurry before somepony else nabs him.”
A little earth pony bounced happily into Cheerilee’s crowded home with a grin. “Hi, Miss Cheerilee! Hi, girls! I got to have breakfast with Princess Luna!” Apple Bloom joined her little friends and chattered away at full speed, while the adults watched with justifiable curiosity once Trixie dropped the sound muffling spell.
“Princess Luna just dropped in on Big Mac and his family for breakfast?” said Cheerilee as if the words would make more sense spoken than rattling around in her mind.
“Sounds a little more like she spent the night,” said Trixie with a smirk. “Sounds like Luna may introduce some more interesting traditions from the past, like droit du seigneur.”
“Or les majeste,” growled Cheerilee, switching from a scowl to a happy smile as the little alicorn came trotting up to her.
“Um. Miss Cheerilee?” Twilight seemed to be nervous, and looked back and forth between her and the disguised changeling rubbing the knots out of her back. “If Tallgrass marries mom, and you marry Tallgrass, would that make you my mom too?”
“No!” she responded almost instantly. “That would be bigamy, and it’s illegal.”
“Oh. Well, we were watching the fish, and I said it looked like one of the male fish was having sex with a bunch of—”
“Well, Miss Cheerilee!” interrupted Trixie as she grabbed her hat and cloak. “It’s too bad we can’t stay any longer, but we need to get going. Things to see, ponies to meet. If you need anything else from me, you know where I live. Come on, Menace.”
“But—”
“We need to get to the next thing on the checklist. Which is…” As Trixie trotted down the path, she leafed through the mess of papers with six little ponies trotted along behind her.
“Treats!” announced the little alicorn, floating the checklist up to Trixie so she could see the entry.
☐ Enjoy treats with student and friends
“Treats, yeah. We could go get—” Trixie looked behind her at the six happy little ponies who regarded her with the reverence older ponies only got when there was sugar involved. “Wait a minute. Where did you all come from?”
Featherweight popped up in the air with a grin. “Mom always said she found me under a cabbage leaf.”
Sweetie Belle scoffed with a disparaging snort that she only could have learned from her sister. “Don't be silly. Pegasuses are delivered by storks. Earth ponies are found under cabbage leaves.”
“Nuh-uh,” objected Apple Bloom. “Earth ponies have sex and have babies in their tummies afterwards. Then they go to the hospital where—”
“Ice cream!” snapped Trixie. “Right now! No more talking.”
But one little pony was not listening.
* * *
ice cream…
”I’ll be right back, Shining Armor. The ice cream vendor is right around the corner, so you just sit here and keep your sister safe while I’m gone. Do you understand?”
“Yes, mommy.”
The familiar purple and whites of the one who gave milk receded out of her vision, to be replaced by the white and dark blue of the one who made funny noises. The pretty light in the sky was shaded by the leaves of the giant plant she was propped up against, which was a nice break from the heat. The two of them brought her to this place often, ever since she had first been able to think, and sometimes even played in the tasty green stuff with the dark blue one who smelled of smoke and papers. It was great fun, and she cheered and clopped her little hooves in joy when they laughed.
“Hey, Twiley. Hi there. Can you make a smile for me? Say Shiney. Shiiii--neee. You can do it. Come on. Ow!”
Shiney turned to glare at a number of other ones at the edge of the plant’s shade and spoke in an angry voice she had never heard before.
“Hey, that’s not funny. You could have hit my baby sister with that!”
“Oooo, we’re so scared. Hey, guys. Five points for bouncing an acorn off the little purple twit.” Little bits of brown flew through the air in a strange game, and Shiney jumped to block them from reaching her, but as the other ones spread out, he could not block all of them. He darted out at the other ones, but that only let more acorns hit her, and she wailed in fear at the pain. Something dark in her lunged upwards with every impact, creeping up her horn in little sparks that snapped and bit at her skin. They were bad. They needed to be punished.
And then the pain stopped.
When she opened her eyes, Shiney was standing in front of her with a new splotch of color on his rear and a beautiful pink dome covering them both. She could see the little acorns bouncing off it like raindrops, until the purple and white one returned and chased all of the bad ones away. And all the while, Shiney repeated the same thing over and over.
“Don’t worry, Twiley. I’m here. They won’t hurt you.”
* * *
The main room of Lickety Split’s Ice Cream Shoppe was nearly empty except for Trixie and her guests, which were all doing their best to bankrupt her of any remaining bits by repeated trips to the counter and a particularly ill-fated ‘milkshake race.’ Trixie morosely regarded her second scoop of Diet Vanilla Maple Crunch in mourning for lost calories, but could not help but be distracted from her own depressive moping by Twilight’s experiment in melting ice cream sculpture. It had been an impressive if somewhat disconcerting representation of some creature called an ‘Urlock’ that Trixie was quite glad was located deep in the Everfree and not anywhere nearby, although melting had reduced it to something much less menacing. Scooting her chair over next to the despondent little alicorn, she took a quick spoonful of the defunct monster and asked, “So, what’s got your tail in a knot?”
“Don’t want to hurt somepony.”
“Is that all?” Trixie scoffed and took another bite, intentionally ignoring the small pointed glare she got in return. “Everypony gets hurt or hurts somepony. Heck, I’ve hurt more ponies than anybody. Which reminds me.” Raising her voice, Trixie called out to the ice cream vendor. “Hey, Split. Have I done anything to you that deserves an apology?”
“You tipped me two bits on a fifty bit bill, but other than that, no.”
Flipping her coinpurse upside down and shaking it a few times, Trixie floated a small pile of bits over to the counter before turning back to Twilight. “Some hurts are worse than others, I guess. It’s part of what makes life. We get hurt, we learn, we try again. I guess that’s why I don’t like books very much. They’re too much like cheating. We get to see everypony else’s mistakes and try to learn from them, while I like to make my own, thank you very much.”
The little alicorn huddled deeper into her cloak. “What if you hurt somepony really badly?”
“Well, I…” Trixie paused with a third filched spoon of ice cream partway to her mouth. “You know, I’ve never thought of that.”
“What if you do something that gets you killed?”
A single drop of melted ice cream fell from Trixie’s spoon onto the table before she placed the spoon down and blinked a few times. “I never really thought of that either. I’ve always thought of myself as immortal, I suppose.”
“Am I immortal?”
Trixie picked up her spoon and fiddled with it for a while before dunking it firmly into the melting ice cream monster and taking a big bite. “Doesn’t matter. Whether you live for the next forty years, or four hundred, or four thousand, what really matters is what you do today. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero. That means—”
“Seize the day, and put little trust in tomorrow,” declared the little alicorn with one upraised hoof.
“You can remember that, but you can’t multiply — never mind. Yes, exactly.” Trixie grinned as she dug out another spoonful of the melty ice cream and tossed it onto Twilight’s forehead.
“Hey!” The little alicorn scooped up a spoonful of ice cream and hesitated before turning it upside down over Trixie’s nose in return, matching her grin tooth for tooth.
“Ice cream fight!” shouted Featherweight, diving for his own spoon before getting splattered by several of his friends as the combat began in full fury.
* * *
...and i really had not thought about how messy that much ice cream would be but after we were done and cleaned up i gave Mister Split two gems out of what Miss Rarity gave us and he said everything was fine and that we could come back whenever we wanted. i keep remembering new things every day, and they’re not as scary when i have friends to tell about them and play with and find new things like how we don’t all six fit into a bathtub without sloshing a lot of water on the floor.
im not as afraid of my parents any more and i think they’ll not be afraid of me. i thought a lot about what Miss Redheart R.N. and Doctor Stable M.D. said about immunizations, and i’m going to try it out for the rest of the week.
your friend and sister
Monster
* * *
Monster blew across the paper to dry the last of the ink, rolling it up into a scroll and addressing it with great care. There was no owl at her window tonight, and it would be a long night walk through the dark town to the library to have Spike deliver the letter to the Princesses, but there was a spell she had been thinking about ever since she had first seen Spike belch out a letter, and this was the perfect opportunity.
First she added a little purple gem inside the scroll, carefully sticking it in place with a piece of ‘gum’ twist had given her. ‘Paying for things’ was a new concept for her, but it seemed as if one gem was always enough, particularly for the little dragon. Then she placed the scroll down on the windowsill and concentrated.
Curls of purple magic coiled around the letter as she reached through the featureless nowhere that filled the world, reaching out for that one draconic signature to hook the other end of the spell onto. Spike was just a few clearings away, but distance meant very little to this magic, and it took her the longest time until she could feel his rumbling snores and furnace-like heat. With the most gentle flick of magic that she could use, the scroll curled up and vanished out into the night, leaving Monster free to curl up under her covers and dream about how excited Luna would be when she read her letter.
* * *
In a dark cavern half a world away, a tiny spark of purple light flared into existence for a moment, and then snuffed out, the only sign that it had ever been there being a small paper scroll on top of a mountain of gold and gems.
And one gigantic dragon, scratching his nose at the sudden itch that had awoken him.